male commitment

I've heard lots of women in my lifetime complain about the lack of male commitment. To ensure that this didn't happen to me, I made sure that I only dated men who were the marrying kind and also who were REALLY into me.

I've never had commitment be an issue unless it was my fear of them making me commit before I was ready to make a decision. To me, marriage is forever and its something you really have to think about hard before you drag someone around on false hopes.

Well, its odd but when I was younger, men wanted to marry me a lot and I was afraid of them trapping me so I broke it off.

Now, I'm 25. I think the dynamics have changed, for some reason. When I date men, they have been the types who don't want to settle down...marriage is connotated with "entrapment". Its very similar to the way I viewed things when I was younger.

However, its very odd but I've had to actually start worrying about this as I'm not getting younger and having children is a goal of mine. I want to have a few free years being young & married and then I want to have a child.

Something has changed and its not fair.

Now, its as if I have to take on this role I don't want...for instance, this one guy was very fearful dating me and I was like, "Dude, I don't even care about commitment at this point- whats your problem?" because they seriously treated me like I was gonna try and trap them forever or something when I wasn't even into anything serious at the moment.

Why is it so prevelant for men but not for women?

What do you think happened? Any opinions?

just a guess.... maybe you were dating men who were 20, 21, 22 who said they were serious about marriage in a few years.... but now that that age has come upon them, now they are realizing they are kind of scared of it and divorce. you know, like you are all excited to skydive or bungee jump right up until that second that you have to do it.

a question - how are you approaching the topic of marriage with these men? are you talking in generalities, or that you specifically want to marry THEM? that can scare some guys off for sure.

It could just be a "vibe" they get from you. You may not say, "I want commitment", but I think a man's instinct can pick up on such things emanating from us.

My ex, when he broke up with me, said that he sensed I wanted more of a commitment. I guffawed at that because not once had I said anything of that sort. But, looking back now, I can see how he got that feeling from me based on my frame of mind and my actions. I didn't even realize it myself, it just felt like a natural progression for me, as my "life approach" began to change once things really started to feel settled with him.

just a guess.... maybe you were dating men who were 20, 21, 22 who said they were serious about marriage in a few years.... but now that that age has come upon them, now they are realizing they are kind of scared of it and divorce. you know, like you are all excited to skydive or bungee jump right up until that second that you have to do it.

 

a question - how are you approaching the topic of marriage with these men? are you talking in generalities, or that you specifically want to marry THEM? that can scare some guys off for sure.

Well, I never approached the topic with them. When I was younger, I dated a large number of men who said, "I want to marry you," and they scared me off.

Well, now, I certainly don't want to talk about marriage but I get these vibes from the guys that say that they fear getting too deep into anything. Its a different set of men as I ran from the guys who wanted commitment at 21.

My guess is these men feel very much like you did and that you are probably giving off the same vibes these men in your early years did to you.

From what you have wrote it sounds like you have a very detailed plan Eg a few years being free and married and then having children. My guess is the men sense this.

I can only speak for myself and possible a good few men out there but I certainly dont want to feel like I have to conform to a womans veiw of what she wants. That should be entirely left up to me. As it should be left up to her whether she wants to be part of my life.

It's mostly players who don't want and are not interested in commitment.

Some aren't ready, some think there is always something better just around the corner and they don't want to wind up with second best, some get scared off by girls they find too forward, aggressive or some have been hurt and are afraid to get burned again. These are many reasons... But when a man is highly into dating and all that jazz he's a player and doesn't want commitment.

It could just be a "vibe" they get from you. You may not say, "I want commitment", but I think a man's instinct can pick up on such things emanating from us.

 

My ex, when he broke up with me, said that he sensed I wanted more of a commitment. I guffawed at that because not once had I said anything of that sort. But, looking back now, I can see how he got that feeling from me based on my frame of mind and my actions. I didn't even realize it myself, it just felt like a natural progression for me, as my "life approach" began to change once things really started to feel settled with him.

I can see how that would happen. Like, when a guy asks me what I want in a man...some of the things are spoken from the p.o.v of someone who is looking long-term. I'll say, "someone who will be easy to live with," things like that. Perhaps that is what makes them sense it. So what does that all mean? Why now and not earlier? Why the unfair change in relational dynamics for me? Now I'm the one whose doing all the worrying...before it was them.

That should be entirely left up to me. As it should be left up to her whether she wants to be part of my life.

I guess thats the way I generally act & feel for myself. Perhaps its too much, though. Its all about him conforming to me...and I use the same wording...its up to him to decide if he wants to be a part of my life. But thats essentially selfish...I mean, if I truly considered marriage, I should think, "I want to be a part of his life."

But then again I usually date men who aren't as selfish as I am.

It's mostly players who don't want and are not interested in commitment.

 

Some aren't ready, some think there is always something better just around the corner and they don't want to wind up with second best, some get scared off by girls they find too forward, aggressive or some have been hurt and are afraid to get burned again. These are many reasons... But when a man is highly into dating and all that jazz he's a player and doesn't want commitment.

A lot of the guys I've dated aren't into dating a million women. They date but they never commit...to any women, including me.

it's easy to scare someone off when they start acting in a higher 'stage' of the relationship than you are. like the example you said, where you are at the 'hi - what's your name?' stage with a guy, and he says back to you, 'i want to marry you.' that is weird, and you ran away screaming, rightfully so.

i dunno - maybe you said something more subtle that indicated you saw the relationship more long term, and maybe he wasn't quite at that stage yet. for example, in my case, i once asked a guy i was dating for a few months if i would be invited (if we were still dating at the time) to this annual event that him and all his friends (male and female) have every summer. he said yes. but we did wind up breaking up a short time later, him citing that i was more into the relationship than he was. in hindsight, was that one comment of mine the straw that broke the camel's back - probably not. but maybe saying little things, even if prefaced by the statement that we may or may not be together at that time, well, that can maybe be a red flag to a person if they are not at your committment level.

I think its because as a woman gets older their biologics start to tick, and we want the family and the stability.. and we also take it very seriously early on.

Where as a man doesnt want to give up his youth and wants to stay in a mode of bachelorism. Its just nature.

But there are exceptions to every rule.

You'll find him.

A lot of the guys I've dated aren't into dating a million women. They date but they never commit...to any women, including me.

only Derek Jeter can afford to date that many

you should read this article, it's very interesting. it's about committment, the birth control pill, and why divorce is good for women. has some interesting ideas.

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you know what - at this point in my life, i have lost my desire to get hitched. i am having so much fun being single, and doing what i want, when i want, and i don't see the rush anymore to find a guy. if it happens, it happens, but i want to find the right guy who will be fun to enjoy life with, and not just any old dude who will make my life complicated and not fun.

you should read this article, it's very interesting. it's about committment, the birth control pill, and why divorce is good for women. has some interesting ideas.

 

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you know what - at this point in my life, i have lost my desire to get hitched. i am having so much fun being single, and doing what i want, when i want, and i don't see the rush anymore to find a guy. if it happens, it happens, but i want to find the right guy who will be fun to enjoy life with, and not just any old dude who will make my life complicated and not fun.

Really interesting article. You also might be right about the commitment thing. It just seems somewhat unfair that so many women have to care about this idea and men don't. Its such a bore to have to be the one who worries about it, like taking on an extra responsibility for no pay when before it was their job.

Really interesting article. You also might be right about the commitment thing. It just seems somewhat unfair that so many women have to care about this idea and men don't. Its such a bore to have to be the one who worries about it, like taking on an extra responsibility for no pay when before it was their job.

Come on Gratsy. Use some logic here. You said in the first post you didnt want to get married early on but these men did. It doesnt make sense to me to say so many women care and men dont. Right?

I couldn't help but notice that you said a few separate times how "unfair" it all is. But what is fair, really? I don't mean that in a cynical way. Just that it's best not to consider things fair or unfair, just try to have a positive outlook on it.

I had a similar experience. My first four serious bfs occurred before I was 25, and they all would have married me. My take on it is that for whatever reason, I heightened my standards significantly once I got older. And got my heart broken for the first times as a result. I don't regret any of it, though. I wouldn't have been happy if I married at a young age.

I don't buy all that commitment-phobe stuff. I think people are with the people they want to be with, at the end of it all. I think it's an excuse we make when we don't want to admit otherwise.

Does anyone know when they are making a pill like this for men?

"And then the contraceptive pill came along, making women—as we have seen—more highly educated, career-minded and employer-friendly."

Does anyone know when they are making a pill like this for men?

 

"And then the contraceptive pill came along, making women—as we have seen—more highly educated, career-minded and employer-friendly."

hahahaha, would men actually take a pill that killed their sperm?

hahahaha, would men actually take a pill that killed their sperm?

Nope but if it advanced my career then hell yeah. You know it all about the monetary gain in life right?

Come on Gratsy. Use some logic here. You said in the first post you didnt want to get married early on but these men did. It doesnt make sense to me to say so many women care and men dont. Right?

Well, for some reason I hear it more from women than from men.

In my personal case it was that the boys wanted to get married...the older men (as in 24-28 for me) don't.

Okay, so you don't buy into it...then where do the complaints come from? Why would more women complain about this thing than men?

I believe commitmentphobia is real. I mean, the use of "phobia" is probably a bit far-fetched, so let's say commitment-avoidant. Whatever terminology you want to use doesn't really matter - the meaning behind it all is still the same.

This argument has surfaced many times on eNA, but I do believe that a man or woman has to be marriage-minded in order to want to commit. If he/she isn't, it doesn't matter how great their BF/GF is, because the commitment-avoidant individual will be focused on other aspects of life, not on appreciating the amazing qualities of the person standing right in front of them. It's all a matter of priority.

Gratsy, I agree that the age-range you pointed out is about where you find these types. I say, go for 30+. As for the young ones, maybe they're marriage-minded because they haven't entered the real world yet (still in college, perhaps) and don't realize how daunting all the options out there can be.

Its funny, I was less committal when I felt like there were options. Upon entering the real world I felt as though there was no meaning to anything and just wanted to get married.

I'm usually very attracted to a youthful look...I like men with bright looks in their eyes, energy, and thin waists. I also like men who are more inexperienced in relationships because I'm not very experienced in some ways. I don't want someone whose fallen in love a million times or even once and that happens with the 30+.

But I can definetly see the points you're making...I might have to curb my appetite a bit, lol.

Okay, so you don't buy into it...then where do the complaints come from? Why would more women complain about this thing than men?

I don't know for a fact that more women DO complain about it. Some might argue that if they do, maybe they are just more vocal about their problems. Maybe it's because they have childbirth to consider while men can move on more quickly from heartbreak since they don't have to worry about being able to reproduce. It could be that the whole commitment-phobia myth was created when women were no longer assured of being married, since society has changed greatly in that respect.

The fact is, I have been the dumper and the dumpee. I know why I dumped people, and it wasn't because I feared commitment. I can only assume that the guys who dumped me didn't fear commitment, either. They just didn't want to be with me, which is their loss.

i don't think it's so much of a 'fear of committment' as not liking a woman/man enough to give up their other options (ie, singlehood, the opportunity to meet someone they like better.....)