As some of you know I have been going through a tough time of it. I am realizing things about myself I MUST change. I also am realizing more and more the reasons of why I am the way I am. Why my relationships with men are so horrible, well at least why they end so horribly.
A lot of it comes down to the relationship I had/have with my dad. I being the oldest child and the only girl in the family he wasn't really sure how to go about being a dad to a daughter. His dad died when he was younger and after that his life was full of abuse, boy's homes, and eventually joining the military at 17. So he did not have anyone to watch or observe on how to 1. Be a father or 2. Raise children.
He was verbally abusive towards me when I was growing up. You know the "your never going to amount to anything but trailer trash." One thing I notice about him is that when he steps over the line; either saying something truly nasty or now where he sees how hurt and broken I have been in the past couple of years he offers me money or things.
One time we were on a family vacation and my little brother was acting up. So like all siblings we were fighting. My dad came in slapped me accross the face. I didn't even do anything but I was the closest to him and he was mad. Anyways he realized that it was my little brother who as being the brat and that he slapped me for no reason. The next AM he gave me $50 to buy something really nice. That's one example of an action with a monetary apology. Then last night we were celebrating my brother's birthday. He knows about my tough times via my mother. Anyways he asks me if I would like a 27" flat screen TV? Again another way he tries to make things better.
He is not one that will tell you his feelings unless its anger. I have wanted his approval and love that's all. Not $$$ nor material things. All I have ever wanted was an "I am so proud of you S." That I believe is why I am so hard on myself and continually find fault with everything that falls apart as MY fault. This has been seeping into my adult relationships. I love my dad; I just don't love how he treated me growing up.
Does anyone know of any great reading materials or resources about the correlation of father/daughter relationships and the effects it has on her future relationships?
Is it really true we seek out a man that is the image of our father?