Possible bachelor party. Please give thoughts.

Hi--i just have a quick question of you think will happen.

I feel very uneasy about a b/f going to a bachelor party or being apart of those types of things etc. But i know--most guys feel its ok and dont want to be considered "whipped".

I called my b/f today and then he just mentions we have a wedding to go to. His cousin is getting married. Its in a few weeks. His mother and his family will obviously be going too. I asked if you were close and he said its my cousin. I asked where he lives and he said upstate but he think the wedding will be located in NYC. He said he hadn't seen him for a few years after i asked that. I'm assuming 2 or more. Do you think my b/f would be invited to the bachelor party? Its usually the friends who plan something right? In a year and a half i never heard anything about his cousin so i am hoping this means my b/f wouldnt be apart of it or his friends wouldn't know to invite him unless the groom mentions him. I know some will say oh i should just trust but i'm sorry--i just dont like this even though i know guys will be guys and would wanna go to one eventually. If the wedding is in nyc--do you think the bachelor party would be too? I really don't want him to be apart of this. I know how i feel about it and i know he would go to one if invited so my question is do you think he would be invited if obviously they aren't that close. Isn't it usually close friends planning it or something?

Please write back on your thoughts.

Ahhh, the dreaded bachelor party! Sooner or later these things creep in to a relationship and BAM!...Pandora's box is open. The trust issues begin to unfold. I trust him but..... If he really cares about me, he wouldn't go.... Maybe I should give him an ultimatum....

Will he get invited, probably but more importantly, what are you going to do when he does? What are your trust issues with him in the past if any?

RC

You think even though they aren't close he would be invited? I thought it was the best man's job to get a group of guys he is close with to go.

Maybe you should ask him about it. See if he plans on going or not.

I vote for not stressing, loosening your grip on his leash and be that rare GF who doesn't needle him about posssibly, just maybe being invited to a party where nothing will be as threatening to your relationship as your imagination tells you.

well i gave in and brought it up to my b/f and he said well nothing was said to him yet and he said of course he would go if invited and i am being ridiculous and that a bachelor party is a fact of life....

The wedding is in the beginning of september--wouldn't he know by now if there was one?

You just have to know all about it so you can worry.

The batchelor party is NOT a formal event planned in perfect detail like a princess's wedding. It's put together on the fly by a couple of guys for guys, so it's informal in scope.

Once you go through this a few times you'll see it's no big deal. Often guys go to support the groom in his last hours of miserable singlehood before he enters the magic kingdom of everlasting bills, diapers and crabgrass.

I'm sorry but i dont like this at all..now this is what i will worry about for the rest of the summer til it happens. He even said so if i was getting married, you dont think i would have a party--my response was--so there are no men out there who WOULDNT have a stripper, give me a break.

Why do i need or should be ok with him looking at naked women dancing or grinding their bodies over him? I'm sorry but even saying--oh no lap dances to him is not realistic..if you are in the middle of this party and everyone is getting one including the groom, i really honestly doubt a person would walk away and just say my g/f doesnt want me to get one. I dont think that has anything to do with trust--i really think its human nature and its just not believable to place limits--if he is at a strip club--i really think all bets are off and a person is just gonna have a good time. Sorry it may sound pessimistic or others may say its insecure--but i honestly just think its human nature, part of instinct, and just what happens.

Well MJMJ your problem is that ONE day he is going to be invited to a Batchelors Party...probably lots of them if he has a decent circle of friends.

So if your planning a long term relationship with this guy, or any other guy, you probably have to get used to the idea of them going to Batchelor parties.

Unbelievable.

have you ever heard of the saying--what goes on at a bachelor party, stays at the bachelor party---why do you think that saying exists?

Often guys go to support the groom in his last hours of miserable singlehood before he enters the magic kingdom of everlasting bills, diapers and crabgrass.

Ha ha ha ha

Now seriously, I would have a huge problem if my bf decided to have a bachelor party if he was the one who is getting married - of course if it includes striptease- if it is just a boys night - going out, drinking I think it's o.k. If striptease is in the picture my first idea would be - why are you getting married to me if you have an urge to "celebrate" that by looking and possibly touching some other naked woman?! I guess the wedding would be off. But of course you have to figure out who are you dating and why before it comes to the point of wedding.

If a friend of my bf would be getting married and my bf decided to go to his bachelors party that includes striptease than I would say to myself look at the friends of a person and their values and you will have a pretty good idea who the person you're interested in is. Than if it's something I can accept I would. If I couldn't I'd choose not to.

I guess younger guys think of bachelors with striptease as cool, but if a guy is more mature than such form of celebrating marriage is completely out of the question. And I would prefere to get married to a mature guy.

I think you are worrying to much over this and in a wrong way.

have you ever heard of the saying--what goes on at a bachelor party, stays at the bachelor party---why do you think that saying exists?

Because some guys do get carried away. I agree with Syrix, look to his values. If you are comfortable with them then you should trust him.

well obviously my b/f feels its a fact of life--and he would want one at his own wedding which i agree--then why would he be marrying me.

I do not know the groom nor his friends--never met them so i can't evaluate anything. And i'm sorry--you can trust someone and love someone but these things still tend to cross the lines.

never met them so i can't evaluate anything.

Don't evaluate them....evaluate your b/f. Either he has values that you are comfortable with or he doesn't. People aren't sheep. They will not blindly discard their values to follow the herd.

I wish women who put men on a short leash had a clue how that ruins a guy. The resentment, frustration and shame of being treated like a potential disaster by someone you love with all your heart is a powerful reason to run away.

Trying to control him in this manner will put your relationship at risk. As I asked you before, have you ever had trust issues in the past with him?

You seem to be getting frustrated because you are not getting the answers that you are looking for, maybe that in itself is telling you something. I understand how you are feeling but I think you need to realize he is going to do what he wants in this regard. If he goes to the BP it does not mean that he is going to cheat on you. You make it sound if all sense of intelligence, morals and judgement gets "checked" like a coat at the door to this BP and they are giving testosterone and Viagra away as party favors. If you are worried that he may enjoy himself too much, maybe you need to spice up your sex life with him. There are some great DVD's that will teach you how to strip for your man.

RC

Honey, if you trust your boyfriend and have a good strong relationship, even a bachelor party full of drunk strippers would not concern you, honestly.

Yes, some people do get carried away, but this is not something specific to bachelor parties, nor is it something that is REQUIRED at bachelor parties.

So, if you are this concerned, I would be looking at what else is going on in the relationship. Because truth is, he will probably be invited to many parties in his lifetime, some may have strippers, many may not either. And yes, ones without naked girls DO exist! I know my boyfriend really could care less about the strippers, but they are not HIS bachelor parties, they are his friend's so they can do as they like.

If he is trustful, honest man, it does not matter what the OTHERS want, or what the GIRLS try and do...because he would stick to them. If he doesn't, he was never trustworthy in the first place...it just happened sooner rather than later.

And he may still be invited, I know many times that bachelor parties are not exactly well organized!

The LAST thing I think you should be doing is barring him from going to a friend/cousin/siblings whatever bachelor party. Instead, discuss with him what makes you uncomfortable and establish those boundaries with one another. For me, strippers are fine. What is NOT fine for me is lap dances, cheating, etcetera. My boyfriend and I are BOTH aware of one anothers boundaries and respectful of that, without telling one another what they must do. We respect those boundaries as we love and respect one another. He can definitely say "no" to a lapdance not only because it is against MY boundaries, but to him it does not feel right either as he feels it is disrespectful. That goes both ways.

How can a bachelor party with strippers exist without lap dances? i have a very hard time believing that a guy will go to this event but then say no my g/f doesnt want me to get a lap dance but its ok to look and put $1 bills in her panties..it doesnt make any sense--i think if a guy goes--he is gonna participate in this stuff such a lap dances and not see it as any harm b/c its a bachelor party and all in good "fun". Sorry--just my thoughts

How can a bachelor party with strippers exist without lap dances? i have a very hard time believing that a guy will go to this event but then say no my g/f doesnt want me to get a lap dance but its ok to look and put $1 bills in her panties..it doesnt make any sense--i think if a guy goes--he is gonna participate in this stuff such a lap dances and not see it as any harm b/c its a bachelor party and all in good "fun". Sorry--just my thoughts

This is about what you as a couple establish together as the boundaries. This is also about the INDIVIDUAL involved.

I am sure you can go to a "hen party" and not grab men's crotches, right? Why then can't he not get lap dances? I really don't think that hormones or having testicles and a penis override one's ability to make choices for themselves and their relationship that serve the best interest of their relationship and respect their partner, whatever temptations are thrown their way.

I KNOW my boyfriend does not agree with getting lap dances if he is in a relationship (though he never had one out of one either, he had the chance too but passed it up). He does see it as harmful to a relationship, and not "all in good fun" whether it's a bachelor party or not.

Honestly, if you really feel your boyfriend is not able to make decisions independent for himself whatever his friends are doing...that points to deeper issues.

Holy crow!

Don't you want to keep this guy?

RC and Ray Kay are giving you golden advice, and you just won't listen.

I give up.

My brother in law has been to the occasional bachelor party, and my sister hates it.

She doesn't hate it because she doesn't trust him, she just doesn't care for him being in that kind environment.

How can a bachelor party with strippers exist without lap dances? i have a very hard time believing that a guy will go to this event but then say no my g/f doesnt want me to get a lap dance but its ok to look and put $1 bills in her panties..it doesnt make any sense--i think if a guy goes--he is gonna participate in this stuff such a lap dances and not see it as any harm b/c its a bachelor party and all in good "fun". Sorry--just my thoughts

I'm sorry MJMJ you really don't understand men at all.

I have been to numerous batchelor parties with friends. Some have strippers, some don't. Some guys get into the strippers but more do not. I have seen lapdances performed but have absolutely no desire for one myself.

Your perceptions of men are really quite insulting.

MJMJ, I wonder, are you the same person as hope123? If you are not, I am absolutely staggered by the coincidence. You seem to have a great deal in common.

It appears you have trust issues. You have been told this before. I know that doesn't make life any easier, but it also doesn't make your boyfriend a cheater. As has been said before, how your boyfriend will behave is absolutely rooted in what type of person he is. This is the key issue. You seem to be assuming the worst of him – how do you think he feels about that? I'm not sure anyone deserves that, certainly not if there's no evidence that it's warranted, and if they continue to be patient with you.

I'm sure we can all talk further with you about how to manage this issue, but until you engage a bit more about who he is and where you're coming from, it's hard to be of much help.

This is not to say that bachelor parties are not concerning, I myself am concerned about my fiance's impending bachelor party. But he knows the boundaries and I trust him - I have to trust him! The bachelor party is not the issue here though. Neither are the stained sheets, the texts/phonecalls, etc. Each time you have had the same response from people – try talking to him, try trusting him, etc.

I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm trying to shut you down, I'm really not, but carrying out surveys with "here is an incidence of something, is he cheating/will he cheat, or am I being paranoid?" and then ignoring the answers, doesn't seem like it's really helping your situation.

What would you like from the people here, and what are you looking for from your boyfriend? What would it take for you to trust him?

see

for the rest of my 2 cents' worth. Having just gone through the posts of both MJMJ and hope123 I am positive you are the same person. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but for anyone responding to your posts it's worth them being aware of the whole picture and the range of issues you have raised.

MJMJ/hope123, please give yourself and your guy a break. If your alarm bells are going off so much perhaps you need some time out from the relationship anyway, time to take stock and focus on yourself, and also think hard about what you want from a relationship and what might be reasonable expectations of others.