Possible bachelor party. Please give thoughts.

[ClandestineMonk]

I think that even if he did go it's a stripper for chrissakes - entertainment - and hardly a threat to your relationship. I doubt he'd take a lapdance because, I think most men respect their partners enough not to cross that line.

 

My g/f went off to a hen-night a few months back and they had a fireman stripper who did the whole bit and she even put some money in his trunks. Do I care? Not even! She had a great night and the girls laughed about it for days afterwards. How can that be harmful?

 

You need to chill out on this issue.

[annie24]

Interesting thread -

 

to rodeo-rider, I think you may have an over-negative view of men in general, because of your experiences working as a stripper and your experiences with your first husband. The men that came into your clubs were obviously alright with strippers/lap dancing, hence, the 80-97% "approval" rates of those establishments. However, there are plenty of men that don't have their bachelor party with strippers, so I don't think they were included in your sampling.

 

For example, I know some men who only went out to dinner, and drinking for a bachelor party. I know them well and trust me, no strippers involved. just too much beer. They just aren't "those types of guys."

 

Anyways MJMJ.... I think your boyfriend is going to do whatever he wants to do anyways. You are neither his mother nor his caretaker. I think you can either trust him to be true to you, or you can not trust him, and end the relationship.

 

Has he done anything else to make you not trust him? like melrich said, people don't just check their morals and values at the door, like a coat.

 

and another point - why would a man cheat on his wife/gf at a party, in front of 20 other guys, all with cameras? If he cheats, it's going to get out eventually. like melrich said, if he's going to cheat, it would be easier for him to do so over the internet, or in the privacy of somewhere else, not a public nightclub with hundreds of patrons who may recognize him!

 

Anyways, my gut feeling is that if he is untrustworthy, he will cheat/lie to you, regardless of whether or not he goes to this party. if he's getting lap dances from strippers, he's probably doing other stuff too. If he's trust worthy, he'll go to the party, but say no when a stripper offers him a dance.

[lemontorilime]

My 2 cents...

 

I read most of the posts in response to the original. I have to wonder why our society tells women that they should "trust" their men and feel "confident" when another woman has her breasts shaking in their face or is rubbing their vagina, which is covered only by a thin string on their penis through their pants???

 

This to me is cheating. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. If the poster is uncomfortable by the possibly of her man going to a strip club she should tell him straight out. So many women just accept this behavior, "because they are just being men".... Makes me a bit sick.

 

I do not think that any man would be okay with it if they came home to find their woman sitting on a chair in the living room with a barely clad male girating in their face. Maybe the woman could just respond, "Oh, it's okay honey I paid him to do this, I'm not cheating. Some random guy off the street came up and asked me if I wanted a lap dance."

 

I am very sorry to inform everyone but the "entertainers" are simply random girls off the street that walk in and get a job. They are not trained specialists such as doctors or lawyers. It would be no different than my man grabbing a girl from the grocery store and getting a lap dance in a car.

 

Sorry for ranting it just really aanoys me how women are supposed to be "accepting" of this and keep quiet etc. "Don't you want to keep your man?"

 

Well, if he is a cheater, no.....

 

Anyways, as for advice. Do not get worked up over something that you don't even know will happen. DO sit down and talk to your man about your feelings. It is okay if you are not comfortable with this. You need to let him know though, not just "wait and see if it ever happens". You could drive yourself nuts worrying. What it all comes down to is this, if my man cared more about having other womens * * * * in his face then he did about the fact that it would deeply hurt me (aside from the cheating aspect) that would be enough for me to leave. I would not intentially do something that would hurt my bf.

 

Good luck

[MJMJ]

I agree with a lot of what u said--i guess it is hard though to leave an almost 2 year relationship over this. What should i do the next time with a guy--interview him and if he says if there is a bachelor party of someone he knows and would go--dump him?

[MJMJ]

i also wanted to point out that the wedding is in 2 weeks..don't you think the bachelor party would have occurred by now? from what i know--the parties that occur a few days before the wedding dont really happen as often anymore but usually a week or 2 before. It is just better for recovering purposes i guess lol

[annie24]

sometimes, bachelor parties are just a few days before.

 

but, I think you should talk to your bf about it. After all, at some point you will be going to bachelorette parties, and maybe some of the brides will want male strippers at her party. Maybe you should ask your bf if it would bother him if you went to such a party. See what he says, if he is ok with it or not.

 

(some guys would be ok with it, by the way....)

[MJMJ]

Ok--they live upstate but the wedding is probably 3 hours away in a different area. Do you think they would be taking the week in that area or just a few days or just arrive that morning of the wedding with a limo.. if the party is upstate--i doubt my b/f would travel for it. wouldnt my b/f know about it already?And he already mentioned about the weekend so i am thinking i will see him(and after this weekend the wedding is a week away)..a bachelor party at a strip club would occur on a tuesday? or monday? doesnt sound as much fun as a friday or saturday nite. What do you think?

[annie24]

why don't you just ask your boyfriend? and ask him what the rules are for the future when you attend a bachelorette party.

[MJMJ]

I would really rather not bring it up again after having an argument over it. I would rather guess at the chances at this point regarding this wedding.

 

And my b/f would be fine with the bachelorette thing BUT i still believe it is different for a girl and a guy..i wouldnt be turned on by looking at these guys..guys get more turned on visually i think. It just wouldnt do much for me looking at a buff guy dancing around on me.

[annie24]

i think you should be having this conversation with your bf, not with us. none of us know when and where this bachelor party is, or even if he is going.

 

I really do think you should be honest and upfront with your bf about what your limits are and what you feel comfortable with. none of us here can tell you what is going on in his head right now.

[lemontorilime]

I agree with annie, u should be able to talk to him about this. It isn't healthy to just go over and over this in your head thinking of the possibilites. You don't feel that you could just have a sit down "talk" with him rather than an argument?

 

Just say something like "honey, there has been something on my mind and I would really like to talk to you about it." Then keep it calm and level headed. Tell him how this would make you feel and as annie said, ask him how he would feel if it were to come up in the future for you as well.

[MJMJ]

Ever hear of it would just be beating a dead horse? Why should i bring this up again? I would have rather heard what people thought from my last post. A lot of people have said i should not bring this up again and pretty much nag about the same issue. He obviously knows i am not for it and knows i wouldnt want him getting a lap dance. Bringing this up again is just going to annoy him like it probably would for a lot of people.

[annie24]

you are the one who still has the questions. I guarantee you, this will not be the last bachelor party he goes to. you have to make peace with the issue one way or another. we don't have the answers you seek.

 

i also wanted to point out that the wedding is in 2 weeks..don't you think the bachelor party would have occurred by now? from what i know--the parties that occur a few days before the wedding dont really happen as often anymore but usually a week or 2 before. It is just better for recovering purposes i guess lol

 

Ok--they live upstate but the wedding is probably 3 hours away in a different area. Do you think they would be taking the week in that area or just a few days or just arrive that morning of the wedding with a limo.. if the party is upstate--i doubt my b/f would travel for it. wouldnt my b/f know about it already?And he already mentioned about the weekend so i am thinking i will see him(and after this weekend the wedding is a week away)..a bachelor party at a strip club would occur on a tuesday? or monday? doesnt sound as much fun as a friday or saturday nite. What do you think?

 

I agree with a lot of what u said--i guess it is hard though to leave an almost 2 year relationship over this. What should i do the next time with a guy--interview him and if he says if there is a bachelor party of someone he knows and would go--dump him?

[caro33]

MJMJ, I ask you again: what would make you feel better able to cope with all this uncertainty you are experiencing? Only you know the answer to this.

 

If you are driving yourself mad with this and you need answers, you have to ask him. None of us have a psychic connection to your boyfriend or have any idea what his distant cousin's bachelor party plans are likely to be.

 

If you can cope with the uncertainty you are experiencing, and decided to keep quiet because you have already pushed it too far with him, then let it go. Please. Once again, no one here can give you the answers to what some other person's plans are.

 

Of course you already know my fundamental position to date, which is that you need to think about what your issue actually is here, and what his values are, but you have conveniently ignored all of those sorts of comments and I'm sure will continue to ignore them.

[craving_normalcy]

I agree with this one. I think MJMJ wants us to tell her she's going to be OK, that her man won't go to the party and/or if he DOES go, he won't cheat or get a lap dance. All of which are things that WE have no way of knowing! She wants a CRYSTAL BALL! She seems to be giving herself a self-fulfilling prophecy - she's so concerned about 'what ifs' that she's neglecting the fact that she's ruining her relationship.

 

Facts are - he could cheat ANY time ANY place - I would be he'd be LESS LIKELY to cheat in front of a bunch of GUYS who are going to be seeing you at the WEDDING!!!! That's just asking for trouble.

 

I don't think a bachelor party is an excuse for a guy to cheat, nor do I think that it's just 'guys being guys'. If a man is in a committed relationship, he shouldn't be getting lapdances - BUT, if in the heat of the moment, his buddies goad him on and he does - its NOT cheating. It is entertainment. Pure and simple.

 

Another fact: you are terribly insecure with yourself, but you would rather worry about 'what ifs' than focus on things you can do to make yourself feel better...I would start with TALKING to your bf about this. REALLY talking. Not ranting/raving/pitching a fit - but SERIOUSLY saying "I have a real issue with this - I don't want to 'beat a dead horse', but you need to know how I feel." If he's a good guy - he'll listen and you can get these issues off your chest. If not, well, then you have your answer either way.

[MJMJ]

To you it may not be cheating but to me and many others it is. And once again how i write here is not how i am acting with him. People probably think i am nagging him everyday or making comments when it is actually the opposite. We had the argument and that was that and i guess i am really just wondering if there will be one in the first place.

[annie24]

To you it may not be cheating but to me and many others it is. And once again how i write here is not how i am acting with him. People probably think i am nagging him everyday or making comments when it is actually the opposite. We had the argument and that was that and i guess i am really just wondering if there will be one in the first place.

 

we don't think that you're nagging him but it clearly sounds like you two haven't discussed the issue FULLY.

 

for example, you are still wondering if there will be one in the first place. like we said, we don't know. we are not psychics. however, I can guarantee you, that he WILL go to a bachelor party in the future, and your future husband, whoever he is, WILL have one also before he marries you, so it is in your best interest to have an open and honest discussion about what you are comfortable and not comfortable with in these situation. It seems from your posts that you and your bf have not come to a resolution of this issue.

[melrich]

To you it may not be cheating but to me and many others it is.

 

That's fair enough. We all have our own values. So how do you feel about a partner who cheats? Is it a deal breaker for you?

 

If so, then if he goes to the batchelor party you will have to dump him. I'd suggest you do it with as much sensitivity as possible and have some empathy for his feelings as you never know what may happen in the futurre and if you can end it now on a reasonable note then at least the door is open for a friendship down the track.

[craving_normalcy]

To you it may not be cheating but to me and many others it is.

 

We are all entitled to our own 'definitions' of cheating. That being said...you need to explain that you feel bachelor parties with strippers is cheating. But, don't explain it to us - explain it to your BOYFRIEND! You can tell us until you are blue in the face, but, it won't help eliminate any of your fears or concerns!

 

And once again how i write here is not how i am acting with him. People probably think i am nagging him everyday or making comments when it is actually the opposite. We had the argument and that was that and i guess i am really just wondering if there will be one in the first place.

 

NO, actually, I think we are all on the same page when we say YOU AREN'T TALKING TO HIM AT ALL!!! If you are wondering all these questions - why don't you ASK him and find out? I already know the answer: I have this FEELING that you aren't asking because IF you don't bring it up, maybe (just maybe) he'll forget about it and NOT go if there is one. On the other hand, if you bring it up, and obviously aren't receptive to the idea at all, then it just might make him say "oh yeah, that's coming up soon and I'm going"...which will do nothing more than piss you off (because you've been too busy wondering if there is GOING to be a party in the first place) and cause a fight.

 

You are never ever going to get anywhere with your relationship if you don't even try to trust him...just because he's there doesn't mean he'll do ANYTHING wrong. That's showing VERY VERY little faith in him and showing IMMENSE low self-esteem (because you obviously feel that you aren't someone who a man would be faithful to)...

[craving_normalcy]

I don't think anyone is trying to be mean. We've all given her advice on what to do - yet she refuses to take it. We've all said "talk to your BF before the party so you can discuss what is/is not appropriate behavior". She doesn't want to talk to him about it because she fears she will be 'beating a dead horse'...

 

She's so scared that she's allowing it to consume her, which is evident by all the posts asking US (people who have NOTHING to do with this party) questions like "Don't you think they would have already had the party?" "Is there going to be a party?" - things we cannot know the answers to...instead of turning to the 1 person who COULD answer her questions and alleviate her fears - HER BOYFRIEND!

 

It's 'tearing her up' because she is LETTING it control her...instead of controlling herself and her actions/thoughts - she's refusing to 'take the bull by the horns' and just ASK about the stupid party! Instead, she chooses to mope, worry and be paranoid over something she doesn't even KNOW will or will NOT happen. That's just silly!

 

It's just sad and disheartening when people give advice only to have it so blatantly ignored.

[Azual]

MJMJ... as a guy... I can honestly tell you I don't want one. No point in seeing what you can't have, as that would be cheating (having it of course). I'm just gonna get drunk and watch somethin funny with a few good friends. Thus is my idea.

 

If you're scared of him cheating on you, tell him and see what his reaction is, but don't push too hard, just let him know you're concerned.