please, i really need help. i love my ex more than anything

help! some of you might have read my earlier post: so in love, so hurt, so confused, i've pasted it below if you haven't. i'm so scared i'm losing him. after he broke up wiht me he was calling me (some times i asked him to call me) and then he stopped, because i kept bringing up the relationship and crying. then one of my friends (a guy) came up to visit me the next weekend, and my ex got a little jealous, i could tell, but i tried appeasing him by explaining it really was just a friend, he didn't even stay at my place. i called him on sunday crying again and just made a mess. then he called on monday and we were doing really well, had a good conversation, then i brought up the relationship again, and he said stuff like he felt like when he was dating me he couldn't talk to his old friends again. but that wasn't my fault, it was his own. so why is he hurting me? i moved here to be with him, and now that he dumped me i feel like our friends have to choose between us, i get so lonely, i miss him so much, i would do anything for him. but tonight i messed up. one of my friends sent me two dozen roses to make me feel better, and then i went out dinner with a couple of other friends, and i put an away message up saying "two dozen roses and out to dinner" and i suppose it was to make him jealous, but, i was angry for him taking so much that i had worked hard for and loved away from me. but then he put up an away message saying something like "girls can have sex with any piece of trash they want. " he knows that i'm not like that. i don't want him to be angry with me, i just wish things could be normal. i just wish we could talk and work things out and i'm scared i'm messing it up even more.

so in love, so hurt, so confused:

i'm so confused and lost. i love him so much. i moved out to boston to be with him and was about to move to california with him. we've been dating almost 2.5 years, and were doing long distance for one of those years, but i met him 6 years ago and i fell in love with him then. the past few months have been very stressful on him, so much school work, he's finishing up his masters at MIT, and i've been so depressed because i hate boston (bad weather, no friends, etc.) and i know we just kept taking it out on each other. but i love him so much. about a month ago we went on a little "break", but it lasted less than a day, he called me to tell me how much he loved me and missed me and it made me feel so much better. but i think i was just hurt from the break and couldn't stop being upset. two days ago he broke up with me, he said such awful things, like he didn't think he was in love with me anymore, that he felt so much guilt for my moving to boston and being depressed, but yesterday he IMed me telling me he was sorry, he had to reassess our relationship, was worried if we were unhappy now it would lead to an eventually unhappy marriage, etc. but i love him so much and would do anything for him. i'm trying to give him his space, but am so hurt at the same time. i don't want to go through life without having him in it. what do i do to get him back?

gradle, I know you are hurting and you miss him very much but you have to take a step back and give him time to breathe.

I understand that you are lonely and need someone but you won't get him back like that. Don't send messages by those sort of posts - they don't work.

Try to spend some time with other people, or get out to a new place where you can meet new friends or get new interests. Don't spend all your time thinking about him - it won't help you.

Take care of yourself.

HI Gradle,

First off let me say I am sorry you are going through this. It's a really hard thing to move somewhere and not know anybody, and then lose your relationship too.

Fortunately for you, Boston, aside from the bad weather, is a great city and you have lots of options to keep yourself busy while you are giving your ex the space he needs to have right now.

I suggest this to others who are going through what you are now, why not sign up of a college course? You can take one at night so it doesn't interfere with your job, it will keep your nights busy, help boost your self esteem, and help you to meet new friends.

Right now you do need to give your ex some space. He does sound confused, and it sounds like he has some feelings for you, but right now he is confused and not happy with the way things are going.

The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and work towards what makes you feel happy and satisfied, not including him.

Give him some time and space, keep the lines of communication open, and for God's sake don't talk the relationship to death. I know how insecure you feel about it now because he left you, and the temptation is to ask and ask and ask where it is going and what will happen, but it will only drive him farther away.

Give yourself and him both some space, keep busy, work out, try the class suggestion, go out for a drink and dinner, read, pamper yourself, and post here when you are going crazy.

You know there is no magic method to winning a guy back. He has to have the feelings and the desire to make things work as much as you. You have to be prepared that that might not happen.

Hang in there, girl, if you have to be single in any city, Boston is where it's at!

so he just called me tongiht to talk, and yet again i screw up

it was going so well, and we were both being so rational, and i just got so emotional in the end and he said he can't think with his heart, only his head. he said that he feels like we just need to be apart so he can realize how much he appreciates me, and he says he is realizing it, incrementally, but then he says stuff like, you're a wonderful girl, you should go out and find someone else. that he can't and won't make any promises to me, like about us getting back together, and that hurts so much, cause i love him so much and i have given him everything. and i went crazy and start crying and yelling and having a fit, and pretending like i was going over to his place. don't you see, it would hurt me so much not to hold his hand, or wake up to him, or just know how he's doing and what he's up to. he hung up on me, and he won't pick up his phone and i left a crazy long message. i know he needs his space, but why can't he just be like, i need my space, and we'll work things out, don't worry. i'm sorry, i know i'm so emotional right now.

you see, he just believes that you don't have to work on relationships, that it shouldn't take work, that it shoudl just happen. but how can it not take work, everything takes effort. he's just making it harder b/c he hates that he's the only one o fhis friends in a serious relationship. he's tired of considering me when we go out, making sure that i'm happy. i've nevfer asked him to do those things, or to not talk to people hte way he woudl when i'm there. he says he wants to meet new people, not girls, without me there, but why, i ask, and he says b/c he can't be the same iwth me there. and i say , well, why don't you just call me and tell me that you're going out with these people and i can eventually meet them, and he says he just wouldn't act the same. i don't understand. i never wanted him to change just b/c i'm around. i fell in love with him when he was just a scrawny little dork, and now that he has grown, i still love him the same, even more, i've never wanted him to change who he is.

Hi Gradle,

I'm sorry to hear about the relationship problems you've been having. It sounds like you really love this guy A LOT. But I must agree with some of the other responses: you have to give him space. It seems like the more you show him how much you need him, the more he runs away from this relationship. Instead, if you indulge in new interests, go out and meet new people, he will come to realize that your world doesn't revolve around him....he will perhaps stop taking you for granted, and be more willing to work at being in a relationship with you.

Hi Gradle,

Reilly brings up a very good point. Right now your ex is taking that fact that you are hung up on him for granted, to him, right now you will always be there, no matter where he goes or who he sees. It isn't fair for you, and it's not the way you want him to see you.

he said that he feels like we just need to be apart so he can realize how much he appreciates me

This line is bogus, if a guy can't appreciate you when you are right in front of him, I don't see what he is going to see when he leaves. It's an excuse.

You really need to try and remain calm if and when your ex calls. I know you are hurting and very emotional right now, but pitching a fit like a child who doesn't get her way is not appealing, and he isn't likely to listen to anything you have to say when you act like that. From my experience, the minute you snap and flip out like that, the guy just kind of shuts down and can't hear you anymore.

It's OK to get emotional, just try and do it when you are on your own, or talking to a friend. Get it out, so you can be calm and get your point accross when you talk with him.

I did what you are doing now, back in Nov. when my guy broke up with me. I asked over and over where the relationship was going and he was the same stubborn way, thinking with his head and not his heart when I was living through my heart. BUT.... you want him to be thinking with his head, because if he takes you back on a whim because he feels lonely, and then a week later he realizes he doesn't want to be with you, how painful will that be?

Hang in there, these first weeks are the hardest, but you are going to be OK.

i know he is. and i'm an idiot who told him that i would always love him and be there for him. and you were right hope, i don't know why i go into these fits like a child. i don't mean to at all, i'm not usually like that. i'm just frustrated and i wish he would realize how much he loves me and come running back. he's just confused and sending mixed messages. like yesterday when we were talking he said that this break was for the best so if we were to get back together we would be even stronger, which gave me hope, and then he said he didn't want me to wait, that he wanted me to get on with my life, etc, which killed me. i know i have a life without him in it, but he just adds something, i do't know what, but he adds something that i just adore.

it just gets hard and frustrating, i feel like i can't even call him to ask how he's doing, that if i did htat i'd be "crowding him" which means he can contact me, but i can't contact him, which is crap, b/c it just gives him so much power, as if he doesn't have enough, you know?

why do i keep screwing myself over?

a few weeks ago i got my ex (not at the time) red sox tickets for him and his friend to go to the game, i thought they needed to spend some tiem together cause his friend was leaving soon. my ex came by today to drop off soem sex and the city dvds that he got for me in return ( i never asked for them) but i screwed up and wouldn't let him leave. i was crying and freaking out. and he told me that he misses that i used to be strong and independent, and now i'm just lying in front of the door not letting him leave. and he's right, i used to be strong and independent, and this year has taken such a toll on me, i've just become so weak...

in the end though he said he'd consider us getting back together, but now i'm scared that i somehow guilted him into it, adn i didn't want that. i want him to come back to me cause he cares for me. i want to be strong and independent again, but i was working on it, i have already accepted a job in dc, knowing full well he's not going to be there, and turning down the idea of going to california, which is where he'll be for a year before moving to dc. i was working on being me again, and i feel that once i did that, he dropped me....

he's going home for a week now, and i'm going home for a few days, so i'm thinking maybe after he gets back, i'll wait a little while and surprise him wiht cookies and a movie? and then leave, ie, make sure not to stay too long so i don't ruin it by being upset? is this a bad idea?

i screwed up and wouldn't let him leave. i was crying and freaking out. and he told me that he misses that i used to be strong and independent, and now i'm just lying in front of the door not letting him leave.

Agh! Gradle! Why did you do that?? Think about this from his perspective. Let's say you broke up with him, and all you wanted right now was some space to think things over and to cool off. You drop some things off at his house and he throws himself in front of the door, bawling, and won't let you leave, and all you wanted to do was drop off his stuff and get out of there.

Would you see his actions as attractive?

Or would you see them as desperate and sad?

You have to learn to control yourself. If I were him, you'd be scaring me away.

I know it's hard, and I know it's unbelievably painful, and you can't imagine life without him, but for now what you need to do is disregard all the things he says to you that give you hope.

You need to assume, for your sanity, that it's over and done with for good. Great start that you've taken a job in DC, that will get you away from him for a bit and give you some time to start fresh and think it over. When do you go?

I also think it's good that you won't see one another for at least a week, take that time and regroup.

so i'm thinking maybe after he gets back, i'll wait a little while and surprise him wiht cookies and a movie? and then leave, ie, make sure not to stay too long so i don't ruin it by being upset? is this a bad idea?

Yes, this is a bad idea. You are way too unstable around him right now to be trying this kind of thing. The odds are against you that you will get overly emotional again.

i know, i know you're right. even as i was writing it i knew it was ridiculous. what i had done tonight and what i was hoping for by being idiotic and throwing myself at the door. i am just in so much pain. and i know he cares, or he wouldn't keep calling, etc? i know you say to move on, but i think it's too soon.

he said he wouldn't do anything with anyone, he wouldn't kiss, etc, and i said i wouldn't either. i know i'm being irrational about all of this, i'm just so hurt. i called him after he left. and i apologized, and i know he was angry. i told him he was right, that i had somehow forgone my old, more independent, and attractive ways. i mean, i know that's what he wants me to be again, and i so desperately want to be that too. we have the same wants, there's hope in that? yes i know, i keep alluding to hope. i'm an idiot. i also had to apologize for the childish ways i've been acting. i guess all i can do now is attempt to act somewhat adult.... try to preserve some of my dignity. i do hope he can forgive me for the ways i've acted. he's really not a bad person at all, i've just been a mess the past few months... i'm too emotional

i'm having a hard time today. i'm really really tempted to call him. i know i woulkd be so much happier if he were to call me, but he hasn't since thursday and i'm feeling so sad right now. really really depressed....

Hi Gradle,

Just wanted to see how you were doing?

(I've been away for the long weekend sorry I didn't get back to your PM sooner)

Forgive yourself for acting irrational. We all do it sometimes.

As for what I said about giving up, I said it because for you, right now, holding desperately onto hope that this guy will take you back is stopping you from living. You are a wreck! It is paralyzing you from doing anything except obsessing over him and what he is doing. What about your life? How long are you willing to put your own existence on hold for this guy, who for right now is holding onto his decision not to be with you?

I'm concerned for you, and while it's normal to grieve, you are letting it consume you and that isn't healthy, and the only way to get past it is to let go for at least a little while and focus on yourself.

Please let me know how you are doing.

so the last few times we've had contact i've initiated this... i know i shoudlnt' have, but he always returns my calls, and the last couple of calls have been somewhat short and sweet. god i miss him so much.

it's been since monday night since i've talked to him. i'm just feelign really sad. all i could think about on my way to work was j. i wonder if i could tell him that, and that there's a little part of me that feels really empty with out him, next time i talk to him. he's still at home, and i'm sure he's been busy with his friends from home.

so his bday is coming up, and his favorite band is coming into town at the same time. woudl it be rash for me to get him tickets? maybe i could just get them and see how things go, and if they go well great, but if not, i could sell them or try and find someone else to go with.

would it be rash to tell him how much i love him. how i want him in my life so badly, that i don't think anyone else would do...?

am i going nuts?

he called me last night, and it gave me hope. it felt so good to hear his voice and see how he's doing and just talk to him. of course we kept the conversation light, and it felt so good. i know it's bad, but his phone call cheered me up! i feel so much happier and so much more productive, even though i miss him so much still. i hope he calls me again soon...

Hi Gradle,

I'm glad that you had some moments last night where you felt like you could function. It's important to keep trying to move forward.

You know that although he did call last night that you can't hinge every moment of happiness on him and what he does. Remember, he broke up with you.

The more time you spend on your own, hopefully the more you will begin to realize that you already are living as a single woman, you are surviving and you are doing it. It does get easier, I promise.

Did you meet your friends for poker the other night? How was it?

so his bday is coming up, and his favorite band is coming into town at the same time. woudl it be rash for me to get him tickets?

 

would it be rash to tell him how much i love him. how i want him in my life so badly, that i don't think anyone else would do...?

 

am i going nuts?

I don't agree with any of this. Don't get him the tickets unless you hand them to him without any expectations of any kind...he can enjoy the concert with someone he chooses to go with not feel forced to take you. Are you ok with that? You're supposed to be giving him space remember?

Don't confess your undying love to him right now. He broke up with you and maybe ( I hope) he is working his way back to you. If you show this much obsession right now it will only slow things down and push him further away. Trust me, I've been an obsessed ( almost) stalker once and it was not good.

You have to show that you are strong and you are OK by yourself. Isn't that what his complaint was in the first place? Your lack of independence ...

Listen to these wonderful comments people have already made.

You just need to calm down and get control of yourself. That means staying away and out of contact with your ex until your emotions return to normal. You're chasing him away... be that strong and independent girl you once were. Work at getting yourself back, not him. He'll probably come around once you get yourself together.

I have been there too - and when I forced myself to get some distance and I gained control of my emotions - I ran into him again and we got back together for a very long time. Best of luck - just focus on you - get busy and force yourself to have some fun (at least get out of the house everyday).

Gradle?

Just wanted to see how you were doing.....

Gradle?

 

Just wanted to see how you were doing.....

 

Yes, me too

hi everyone,

thanks so much for listening!

i'm okay.... things were going well for a while... he called me on wednesday and we had a very normal and good and positive conversatin and i felt really good about it....especially the fact that he called me... but yesterdayi had this anxiety attack and it seemed that everyone i called wasn't there..

so i called him (yes i know, bad move) but i coudn't help it.. i guess he was staying at his friends place on his way back to boston and we talked and i was upset, and i just told him how sorry i was, he said he was sick of having to always check in with me any time he went out, and sick of worrying if i were okay with it, i nver meant to make him feel that way.. but i kept telling him i missed him and that i was sorry, and he kept saying that he was sorry...

i guess i stayed pretty calm, no major freak out moments, he changed the subject a few times, i could tell he was trying to think of anything other than us to talk about...

i guess i was really upset too, b/c i felt like the friends i had made here (our mutual friends) were ditching me, i don't know if htey were, they ended up calling later that night, but i had already made plans...but htat really hurt, and i guess htat's what started my anxiety attack, i feel like right now if i'm not keeping insanely busy and social, i just get upset. a nd i can tell j is the same way, he's made certain he's been going out almost every night since the break up, even with people he can't really stand/get along with, jsut to keep busy....i wish he could just sit and deal with his emotions, i don't know how some guys jsut have a switch to turn on and off their emotions, you know?

but i finallyh made it out last night and it was alright, but of course i miss him so much... but i feel somewhat confident that i can go a few more days without talking to him, and i feel somewhat confident that he'll call me soon again and hopefully i'll be good and not talk about us, or even better, i'll be too busy to pick up the phone... i just miss him so much and love him so much...

Sorry don't know too much about your break-up, but understand how you are feeling at the moment.

My only advice is not to expect too much from him at the moment, do not expect that he is going to call and don't panic if he doesn't call.

The first few weeks of my break-up I would be staring at the phone all the time, wondering why she hasn't called, doesn't she care anymore...etc

You need to give him time and space, you need to give yourself time and space.

I love and miss my ex very much but I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that she dumped me, I'm not going to chase after her, to make her realise what a wonderful person I am.

Go out, meet new people, keep busy, everyone advises this and its true.

Oh I hadn't read your update before I pm'ed you--and it looks like my advice was right on, but I want to add something.

Talking to you should be a pleasure thing for him. I know I mentioned something like this in my letter.. it shouldn't be a "chore" he HAS to do.

Also.. you need to be OK when you are not with him. I know you guys are broken up now...but hopefully you will get back ( we never know do we? ) and you'll remember this. You shouldn't be so dependent on his attention to be OK.. you should be living your own full life with or without him in it. Yes I know you will say this is easier said than done...but at least go through the motions until it feels "real."

Keep yourself occupied. Start a new hobbie, read a good book... take long walks.. you get the idea.

We are here for you.. hope you are doing better.

Mun

Hi Gradle,

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. It pervades this thread. The other thing that I felt while reading your story was anger. Your ex is contacting you far too frequently for an ex. He is causing so much damage to you by doing this. I think that his reasons for calling you are likely very selfish as well. He is worried about the hurt he has inflicted on you and needs to assuage his guilt by trying to be there for you now. Unfortunately, as the source of your pain, this is not a role that he can play. He needs to understand this and give you some space to heal a little bit. If he can not figure this out on his own, I think that you should consider telling him. Almost impossibly hard, I know, but you need to start looking out for yourself here, no one else is.

You have done a great thing for yourself already by posting here. This place has been a tremendous support for so many people in similar situations. I hope that in time things will also brighten a bit for you as well. We are here for you until they do!

Take care of yourself.

hi everyone, you've all been so wonderful! thank you so much...

so, i've managed to feel a little bit better...i woke up today and immediately went shopping and spent way too much money, but, i'm going to forgive myself...after j and i started going out, i was so comfortable that i woudl just wear jeans and tank tops over and over, and i knew he would get annoyed that i didn't wear dresses, or cute things once we moved to boston and were more "professional"... so i bought the cutest things i could find and tried them on and remembered, hey, i'm pretty cute! and it made me feel so much better...and it will feel even better when j sees what he's missing out on, if he's so lucky...

what made it even better was that one of the guys i know here invited me to a bbq, and i met someone who seemed very interested...so i guess he wants my number, and while you and i both know that i'm not ready for anything serious or really anything at all, i think this guy knows my situation and it might be fun to hang out with him...i think he's actually been dealing with something similiar...it would be nice to have someone else to just talk to... then i went out with another guy i know to meet up with his friends and we went to the bar and it was ok, and i did something slightly stalkerish, on my way home i drove by j's dorm to make sure his car was there, so i would know he got back from the long drive okay... i'm hoping the next time he calls he'll know that i'm doing okay, and he'll start realizing what he's missing out on...

what was really upsetting to me was that i'm positive j and i's mutual friends ditched me tonight... i called them twice to see if they wanted to go to the bar and no call back, so that hurts me a lot...they are the only other girls i knwo in boston and they had said they would be there for me... and they haven't been recently. i don't know, maybe i'm just taking it harder right now because of what i'm going through, maybe they didn't want to go out at all, but still, i'm hurt...

i think i'm a very forgiving person when it comes to people i love, and that may be my downfall...but when it comes to friends, i've always held them at pretty high standards, even to the point that i feel like i would never be able to meet them, so i feel like i knwo who my closest friends are and how much i mean to them... and i know none of these people are my closest friends, but i tried to open myself up to them, but i feel like it's getting to the point where it's almost forcing myself on them....i keep calling to hang out and they keep putting me aside...

i love j so much, but i'm coming to the realization FINALLY, that i have to give him his space, i know he is the love of my life, i just hope it's not too late and it won't be too late when he realizes what he gave up on...i forgot how awesome i can truly be... you people rock for putting up with me!