unhappyinlove1

Was he creepy? Dc you think it was a message? Could he have been scratching his arm? I assume a similar position sometimes when I scratch my forearm... just a thought. Sorry - can't help.

I have to said I really got a chuckle out of reading all of these posts just now. I just posted a reply on this very subject the other day. I believe that people who differentiate between "in love" and "love" are talking about lust/passion/desire/obsession versus profound feelings of tenderness and concern for another person. Real love includes acceptance of a person's true self - flaws and all. Love is what takes over after the in love/lust phase dies down. Love is more profound and develops over time... it involves respect, trust, companionship, compromise and work and doesn't go away overnight. I get really frustrated that so many people don't get this. So many people think being "in love" is all magic and real love involves no work. They get so caught up in fantasy that they walk away from love because they can't deal with the reality of it. They always doubt... they only feel sure they were in love when they've lost the person. Love takes work and effort - but everyday you love the other person as a dear friend and you respect them deeply. You have those passionate moments of being "in love" but they are fleeting. Those moments are necessary - although they are few and far between once you've been together for a long time. I must say it's really nice to know that there are men that have the same notion of love as me... I was REALLY starting to wonder if I were the only person on Earth with these beliefs. Now if the next guy I date and love actually believed the same thing - and behaved accordingly - that'd be great!

There's a genetic component to so many things - the problem is really sorting out what percentage each contributes and in what ways they contribute. Female orgasm is very poorly understood. Only recently has research started to focus on female orgasm. Male orgasm is better understood b/c funding has been spectacular in that field - drugs companies fund studies that will give them lots of money. Those same companies started coming to the realization that women will spend money on drugs to increase sexual pleasure/orgasm only when they found women were taking Viagra. At any rate, research is in it's infancy in this field. There is so little that is understood right now about female orgasm, that it's going to take lots of studies and many years to sort these issues out. It's nice to see it's getting publicity, however - that's a GREAT sign.

I would definitely relax and just see what comes. I would guess it would either be that the mail just sent it back to the sender or that he was too scared to pick up the letter, or he moved and so it was returned to you after some time. I'm sure it's nothing mean or hateful. I'm sorry you feel all of this stress over it. I know we all have setbacks sometimes. IF it is him sending the letter back - just consider the posting of the letter as a cleansing experience. Your attempt at closure, nothing else. He doesn't need to read it for you to still benefit from sending it. You did what you could to make it clean. I hope you have a relaxing evening and don't let this bother you.

his family lives accross the whole country - not an inexpensive or quick trip. I met a sibling and friends from home that flew out here for visits - this was going to be the big one 'though - parents, all siblings, all friends, etc. We'd lived in the same town for over a year and only the last few months had been long distance. More importantly, we both agreed about that kind of thing - we were acknowledging our future together and announcing it to the family. We're not 12 and asking their permission to date. I don't bring every guy home to the family - my family also lives far away - and I only intend to bring home the man I will marry (that was to be him, or so I thought). I believe - as does he - that it's acknowledging a serious comittment to the future with your SO and telling that to your family. We'd looked at wedding rings, etc. and were preparing for the next step (spending several days with each other's families was part of that for us). I realize that many people live with their family in the same town or state and it's easy to bring people home with you. When you live over a 25 hour drive away (both families) and over a 5 hour flight with mutliple lay-overs - it isn't as easy. And, when you've lived most of your life away from your family, providing for yourself and pursuing your career in a city with no family - as we both did - family's acceptance or knowledge sometimes becomes less important to you until you're ready for that last step - marriage. You don't have to agree with our logic and I don't know why I'm responding to this anyway

Thanks all - part of me wants him back, but that is not an acceptable option to me. If he called me in the next day or so with some evidence that things will be different - i.e. he's starting therapy for this problem or something - otherwise, there's no letting him back into my life to just do this to me again. I was an idiot - last night he offered to refund my plane ticket - of course I said, "I don't want your money and I don't care about the ticket". I don't, but the ticket did hurt my finances - and it wouldn't pinch him a bit. I'd rather have my dignity 'though. If I contact him and send a kind summary and goodbye e-mail I can guarantee not to hear from him again - that would probably be the best thing for me, but I just can't bear the thought of regretting it so terribly tomorrow that I do something really stupid - like calling him. I think I'll do NC - but permanently. I have no desire to try to manipulate him back into my life. He's messed up... I truly know that now. Of course, I'm so unpredictable right now I have no idea what desire will overcome me later today or tomorrow. I can't help but wonder how he's going to break this to his whole family - or what they're going to think - the first girl he's mentionned or tried to take home in 10 years and he breaks it off days before the visit that HE organized. Oh well. I appreciate so much the sympathy and caring comments everyone has posted - most of my friends are out of the country right now - so there's very little local support.

Thanks for the comments everyone. Wimpy - I read your earlier post and your story is similar to mine - he'd get scared and I'd give him a little space and then the relationship would move forward. We were talking about marriage and me moving out there and everything. It would have required my sacrifices. I think the hardest part right now is the disconnectedness - I wasn't talking to HIM last night - it was a robot stranger. I know he's going to wake up at some point and all of the feelings are going to flood back to him. That's when he's going to want to call me and work things out. He told me we could still talk - I said there was no point. I'm terrified of him calling back here when he starts feeling all of the pain and regret. Part of the problem here is that I have no idea when that's going to happen so I can't prepare myself for it. I have no intention of getting back with him - it's better this happened now then on the alter - or even worse - after our first child. I just hope I have the strength to say no when he tells me everything I want to hear. If he hasn't worked out these problems since the last time - he's never going to be able to. I just don't know what to do right now - I'm dealing with it almost too logically (probably shock). It'll get worse before it gets better. I just feel this juvenile desire to send him an e-mail. I wrote (but haven't sent) an e-mail that kindly states the situation and that he'll regret this someday and his feelings will return, but that I will be over it by then. Stupid, irrational desire of mine. I hate being depressed and absurd. The other option is I could send it and add a line at the end (which I will regret in the coming weeks) that says "when you get the desire to call me and fix everything - please respect me and don't". I know him extremely well - and he wouldn't contact me again if I asked him not to, despite his desire to the contray. Arggh... I'll probably end up sending the stupid thing by the end of the day. I probably shouldn't...

Summary - my boyfriend invited me to visit and meet his entire family (first girlfriend in over 10 years to meet them). He'd had commitment issues before - and we thought they were resolved. He got a little snotty right before my visit... Well - talked to the boyfriend last night. He's now my ex-boyfriend. He just broke it off with me - he said "he doesn't know if he could ever commit to me". He had commitment issues earlier in the relationship (and before we met) but I thought we'd worked through them. He was so cold and calm and so unlike himself - he sounded like a machine. Not normal at all. I know he's just panicked about me meeting his family and his feelings will return and he'll regret this later, but I guess that's it. He's in run-away mode. He did this once before - so I recognize it. He can't even admit that it has anything to do with meeting his family. I just hate that the last time I'll talk to him is like that - a heartless machine. He said the one sentence above and he said "sorry". That was it. That was it after 1 1/2 years and all the great times. He completely just shut down his emotions out of the blue... from being "in love" a few days ago - he couldn't even tell me he cared about me or anything last night. He hasn't even told his family yet - they're all excited to meet me still. I have a plane ticket to leave in a day and a house sitter organized and all my friends have wished me luck and now everyone's going to ask for details about a trip which is never going to happen. Ugggh. Not happy. Going to be alot of embarrassing questions from friends and family over the next few days - it'll be really hard to control the emotions. Everyhting about this sucks - that moron. We really had it all together. I'm in shock. I just wish I could scream... crying just isn't cutting it for me.

Well - just talked to the boyfriend. He's now my ex-boyfriend. Will post update with more detail.

Thanks everyone for the insightful comments. I pondered over this for some time and decided not to tell him (at least not now). If a related subject ever comes up or if he asks about the ex - I'll tell him, but otherwise I'll drop it. So, I'm going with the thought that there's nothing to tell, so why bring it up. I believe in total honesty, so I won't avoid it if a related subject somehow comes up. Thanks all - and I'll let everyone know on my other post how the "visiting the family nerves" situation turns out!

I'm not sure if the above was a serious post, but... Sorry kids - going to a b/f is almost certainly the last place you'll learn what you like ESPECIALLY at your age. Most women have to learn how to have an orgasm by themselves long before they can have one with a partner.

Did she leave a message? Or did you just see her number on caller ID?

Listen to these wonderful comments people have already made. You just need to calm down and get control of yourself. That means staying away and out of contact with your ex until your emotions return to normal. You're chasing him away... be that strong and independent girl you once were. Work at getting yourself back, not him. He'll probably come around once you get yourself together. I have been there too - and when I forced myself to get some distance and I gained control of my emotions - I ran into him again and we got back together for a very long time. Best of luck - just focus on you - get busy and force yourself to have some fun (at least get out of the house everyday).

It takes time and lots of dates with Ms. Wrongs to find Ms. Right... just don't give up. From your last post it looks like you're not doing anything wrong - just go with it and keep your eyes open for more serious possibilities.

Alrighty - this just happened a few moments ago. My ex and I broke up seven years ago and stayed friends all this time. We talk once every month or so - sometimes not for a few months and once not for a year. I have no feelings for him except friendship. That's how it was with him, too (so I thought). He's been depressed lately and he just called me to tell me that he misses me and is still in love with me. He said he wants us to have another chance if things don't work with my current boyfriend. I was nice, but I told that he was hard to get over and that chance was gone a long time ago. I think he's just sad and is confusing his loving feelings for "in love". We once were in love, but that was a really long time ago... he's just remembering the good times we had. He lives accross the country from me, so it's not like he's going to come knocking on my door to try to change my mind. My mind couldn't be changed anyway. My current boyfriend and I are serious (I'm in love with him) and I'm meeting the family very soon (I posted on that before). My current boyfriend knows we still talk sometimes and is fine with it. This last conversation crosses the line in my opinion (not on my part) - should I tell my b/f about this? Should I just let it go b/c it is nothing for him to be worried about? He's been irritable lately, so should I tell him after I visit the family or just forget about it? Is it a betayal to not tell him? Thanks in advance for any input!!!