Batya33

Great advice. In the past few years I added a few people from work on FB. With one -if we private message 99% of the time it's about our shared interest- reading fiction and in particular historical fiction. Her FB posts (I never post) are very harmless -her cats, her cute nephew, stuff going on around town -and I comment in kind -if it ever went to a level like you describe I totally would have boundaries. Another work friend -we don't work together and until she left recently- we would talk about work but again nothing that couldn't be published in the newspaper. However we used to have lunch every two months or so and we did have more personal conversations but nothing concerning and we steered clear of any work "gossip". It can be done. And very rewarding. I have several close friends I met at work. Just spoke to one today - I met her in 2000. I originally met my husband at work!

I agree and especially agree - start practicing being assertive in this way. I'm sorry you received an email like that -it's cringey. And as you seem to know -this is about her. Not you. Her issues.

I'm not as convinced but would follow this advice as well. I've worked in toxic environments as well -one I was taken to by my mentor and our team from another company so I really didn't interview. Another I was fresh out of college and he also pressured me to accept -and sign a 5 year contract (long story -not a private company)- I then had to go do my official contract signing at a huge agency with a lot of other people -a stranger looked over at me, saw where I was about to sign up with and told me not to do it -can you imagine?? Of course -well -I didn't listen -a stranger? She or he was right. And call it coincidence but I got very sick the first day of orientation -at the location- and when I got up to leave at the end of the day the boss mocked me "always the new people who leave first" I ended up hospitalized with an infection -only time in my life - and realized what a mistake I'd made - also other employees had come up to me that day to warn me etc. I was able to get out of the contract thank goodness and I never actually worked there. Someone I guess was sort of smiling over me. Maybe hospitalization was sort of a blessing. I did learn my lesson after that as far as vetting places to work (and no internet to look to until much later) I work for and with really good people the last 7 years. We all work very hard. It is a really good place to work and I cannot tell you what a difference it makes. OTOH when I was new and going up the corporate ladder so to speak I worked in very stressful, intense environments with certain people who mistreated me for sure -but it was worth my goal. That's my hesitation with your opportunity here. It's such a tough balance. I no longer need to "climb" etc so it makes that decision easier, I wish you all the best and -congrats on all the offers!

Thanks. The lie plus the justification he gave plus how he lied would have me thrilled to dodge a bullet and move on from the time wasted before he revealed his lack of character, integrity and basic humanity. To me it’s not just a lie. Certainly if she had to interact with him as an acquaintance or in a business situation no real worries there but if I were she I’d avoid any close personal contact from now on. That’s my opinion.

I think it's too much with a man who lies and has told you, basically, you're getting traded in when you're the age he deems cannot keep up with his energy (must take a lot of energy to leave stuff with his DOB lying around). Or heaven forbid you get some illness etc like my friend in her early 40s who is in and out of hospitals with MS and sometimes depression and pain and is right now using a walker -the person with the energy is in her 70s -her MIL moved to where they live some years ago to help with their child. I hope OP you stay extremely healthy in every way -just please don't venture even one step more with a man who is telling you that you're only worth dating if you meet his criteria -but of course you have to give him another chance after this pile of manure lying as Miss Canuck mentioned. No need to scrape the bottom of the barrel OP. I don't think the age gap per se is a dealbreaker. Maybe a factor to consider just like people typically consider such things when they choose who to date.

But he already told her he doesn't want a woman who now is his age so she already knows she'll be traded in given his presumption that younger is -- more "energy". Also assume that if he could be this devious and manipulative in his lying -leaving "hints" imagine what other aspects of his life are affected. Won't you wonder if you're supposed to go on a regular scavenger hunt when he leaves clues around about -I don't know -his infidelity, his shady business dealings, whether he's still employed, and heaven forbid if you ever buy property with him or have your name associated with his? Assume this is his MO -his approach to justifying misleading people and outright lying so long as it makes life more pleasurable for him.

Yes -that appears very unstable on his part.

OP be very very careful in dating this man to stay youthful and energetic and heaven help you if you were to fall ill or be out of sorts from I don't know -menopause etc. Are you in tip top shape? Youthful looking? I mean obviously he's basically told you you'll get traded in for a younger model eventually. Right? (Oh and he's full of it -I am 57, became a mom at 42 -married my husband who was 42 - -and I have overall had much more energy than in my 30s because of positive changes in diet, exercise, hydration etc. I know many women like me. Also didn't you catch him in his lie so what's with the apology for not "telling you sooner" - anyone's guess if he was ever going to tell you.

But at some point you will date grown up women who maybe are a bit more mature? Yes people change partners, date more than one person which is fine, but typically if someone is only dating someone else casually and sees someone else they are interested in they won't mention the other person - because it's ok to go on a date with someone when you're not committed elsewhere. She told you because it's a way to let you down easily since she has to see you at the gym.

Yes and as far as you knowing she won't choose the option of dangling both of you -or just you -as you wrote above -here's the thing -you also didn't think she'd pull this. And once someone exits as she does -especially to be with an ex -you don't really know the person well anymore in that sense. They're moving on living their own life, creating new and significant memories with someone else. I'm sorry. "Holding on to hope" is cute in a movie and damaging to you physically and emotionally in this situation.

I agree it's a bad look -she could have said thanks for the offer but I'm good or - "instead-please give to your favorite charity you and/or your mom support with the coffee money. I'd be honored" Also the OP didn't have to tell her boyfriend - unless he asked for the cashapp on IG -again too much social media shenanigans it seems.

Basically same-ish here.

I agree and I suspect that is why she's not asking. The only time that worked fine for me was at a short time in my life when I was happy just to date people casually. I met a guy who was kind, smart, fun and had nice friends. For 6 months we saw each other typically one evening a week and the last month or so more like twice a week. We both realized it wasn't going anywhere and we "broke up" amicably. Back then only landlines so we spoke once or twice a week (not even e-mail - 1994!) and one time he called me from his business trip in Berlin -long distance! -and I was so excited he thought of me - but it worked because neither of us was that into the other- we just had fun going on dates and it never progressed. To me that's the only way this sort of arrangement works -when neither is focused on getting more serious. You are OP and you're focusing on the texting when the real issue is he doesn't want to share his life with you/invite you into more of his life. I'd exit.

But you're not happy with the way it always has been. Instead of considering -why not just ask? And if you think the answer will be no and feed your worries -that is your answer too. Do you see yourself being with him long term?

What do you mean - what do you do to see him more often?