How Can I Overcome My Partner's Fear of Commitment?

Dear eNotAlone,

I am in a troubling situation that I need help getting out of. I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost a year and we live together. He's amazing – kind, funny, and most of all, endlessly supportive. However, he isn't comfortable committing in any way. Everywhere I turn, whether it be my friends or family, I'm constantly reminded about how commitment-phobic he is. I am terrified of losing him and the thought of us breaking up petrifies me.

We've discussed this issue many times, yet he still won't change his mind. I love him, but his noncommittal attitude has made me miserable. I'm desperately searching for ways to make him see that a committed relationship is not something to feae. I don't want to give up on us just because of this one problem, but I'm at a loss as to how to approach it. I need advice; what should I do?

A Troubled Relationship-seeker

Dear Troubled Relationship-seeker,

It sounds like you are in an incredibly difficult and frustrating situation. Finding someone who loves and cares for you as much as your commitment-phobic partner does is a great blessing, so it is understandable why you're hanging on, hoping for a positive outcome.

The first step towards finding a solution to your dilemma is for you to clearly understand your own needs. Re-evaluate yourself and try to identify why you want a committed relationship. Once you have a better understanding of what you want and why, it will be easier for you to communicate your needs to your partner.

It is important that you also make sure you understand your partner's perspective. Fear of commitment can stem from various backgrounds, and there could be certain aspects in their past that have caused them to be hesitant to take things further. Compassion and patience can go a long way in helping you to get through this situation.

Communication is key. Talk through things calmly and explain your feelings and your needs. Try to remain neutral and talk to your partner from a place of love, not frustration. Be open to discussion and ask your partner questions to gain insight into why they are afraid of making a commitment.

Making progress towards committing to each other can take a long time, so it is important that you both remain patient and genuine in your attempts to overcome the fear. It may help for both of you to take some relationship counseling sessions, and if possible, speak to a therapist or a psychologist together, who can give invaluable advice on how to work through the impasse.

It is understandable that the thought of the relationship ending petrifies you, but it is important to note that only your partner can decide what they are comfortable with, and they may not be able to give you the commitment that you need. Good luck, Troubled Relationship-seeker.