Is she clingy, or am I crazy? I requested to take a break

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like an abrupt breakup. Definitely sort out the details of collecting your things at a mutually convenient agreed upon time. It's your responsibility to collect them from her place. Please do so neutrally, maybe bring a friend. Get the details of your deposit and in writing to get your refund. Do everything in writing and as politely as possible to just get it over with effectively. 

Sounds to me like this isn’t a person who will deal with you on practical matters. She’ll use your desire to work these details as a game to force you to grovel and acquiesce before she’ll respond, and she’ll continue to toy with you about them.

Skip that. Nothing is worth dealing with her anymore. You finally did the smart thing, and it makes no sense to allow belongings to be used to blackmail you into submission.

I’d change my locks so the keys are useless, and I’d file a small claim for a court to get your money back instead of attempting to deal with her. I’d bet money she won’t deal with you otherwise, she’ll just turn it into a circus to humiliate you without ever complying. Don’t save small court as a last resort— just go straight there, and hopefully when she’s served, she’ll comply rather than face a judge.

[sunday_luthier]

The dust has not even settled from the breakup that she is already back.  She sent me a soft-toned and sweet e-mail saying that our breakup was the shock she needed to finally start taking care of her mental health, that she's sorry she hurt me through the whole length of our relationship, and looks forward to better days.

I have not responded yet.  But I will keep it short and firm.

As for the deposit, I am in contact with the owner of the place we paid a deposit for.  I explained the situation to him and he seems to be on board to solve it from his end.

If I lose the deposit (which I paid for entirely), it will still be much less than what I lost when my kids' mom left after 15 years together.  So yes, I'll bite the bullet if comes to that. 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

The dust has not even settled from the breakup that she is already back.  She sent me a soft-toned and sweet e-mail saying that our breakup was the shock she needed to finally start taking care of her mental health, that she's sorry she hurt me through the whole length of our relationship, and looks forward to better days.

I have not responded yet.  But I will keep it short and firm.

As for the deposit, I am in contact with the owner of the place we paid a deposit for.  I explained the situation to him and he seems to be on board to solve it from his end.

If I lose the deposit (which I paid for entirely), it will still be much less than what I lost when my kids' mom left after 15 years together.  So yes, I'll bite the bullet if comes to that. 

 

Why do you need to respond at all?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

The dust has not even settled from the breakup that she is already back.   I have not responded yet.  But I will keep it short and firm.

As for the deposit, I am in contact with the owner of the place we paid a deposit for.  I explained the situation to him and he seems to be on board to solve it from his end.

So you want to try to work things out? It's much better to work things out with ower if you get your refund. You can't just drag people to court when there's no dispute. 

[boltnrun]

She'll be nice long enough to ensure you're hooked. So, probably a few hours. Then once you agree to give her "another chance" she'll go right back to berating you and making accusations and name calling. 

You've seen this movie before. Many times. It's up to you if you want to put yourself through this another dozen times. 

[sunday_luthier]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you need to respond at all?

To get my deposit back

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you want to try to work things out? It's much better to work things out with ower if you get your refund. You can't just drag people to court when there's no dispute. 

There will be no court.  I want this to be short and over with.  If it means I lose money, so be it.  

[sunday_luthier]

32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She'll be nice long enough to ensure you're hooked. So, probably a few hours. Then once you agree to give her "another chance" she'll go right back to berating you and making accusations and name calling. 

You've seen this movie before. Many times. It's up to you if you want to put yourself through this another dozen times. 

No, I do not.  No other chance will be given.  I just sent her another mail to make it crystal clear

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

No, I do not.  No other chance will be given.  I just sent her another mail to make it crystal clear

I’d respond no more. Have a friend or family member contact her for business reasons - the deposit. 

[boltnrun]

Do you have to get the money back from her or from the vacation destination?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sunday_luthier said:

.  I just sent her another mail to make it crystal clear

That's the best approach. Document everything, put things in writing and try to keep it uncomplicated and make a clean break. Yeah court is ridiculous and drags things out. 

[sunday_luthier]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you have to get the money back from her or from the vacation destination?

From the vacation destination.  The problem is that the reservation was made from her Airbnb account, but I paid for the deposit, which is now in the custody of Airbnb,

So she needs to cancel the reservation so that Airbnb can free the deposit and give it to the owners.  

So I'm counting on her good will to cancel the reservation, then on the owners' good faith to give me at least a partial refund.  Or let me make a new reservation in my own name

[boltnrun]

33 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

Or let me make a new reservation in my own name

You're still planning to take her on this vacation?

I wouldn't expect any "good will". She can use the money as ransom to try to force you into reconciling.

I would contact Air BnB and/or the property owner and explain the situation. 

[sunday_luthier]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You're still planning to take her on this vacation?

Noo!!  I would go with my daughters only

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

Noo!!  I would go with my daughters only

If you are successful in getting your deposit back may I recommend you choose a different destination? If you choose the same dates, destination and lodging she could show up and cause all sorts of drama. 

[sunday_luthier]

21 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you are successful in getting your deposit back may I recommend you choose a different destination? If you choose the same dates, destination and lodging she could show up and cause all sorts of drama. 

I told her to cancel the reservation (which she did, btw) and that I would take it from there to get a refund from the owner.

She's unstable, but I don't think she would be so deranged as to travel to the vacation spot, which is very far away, and show up without any right to be there.  She doesn't know I'm still planning to go but without her.

Good news is my car keys weren't at her place after all, and I'm changing my house lock this afternoon, just to be safe.

So all that's left of mine at her house is a pair of jeans and a toothbrush.....  They can stay there.

I don't know how I'll feel in the next days and weeks, but right now, I feel liberated 

[sunday_luthier]

She came over unannounced on monday to bring me back my stuff in a paper bag, even things I didn't expect back (a microphone grille I gave her, and a couple of sheets of paper I had scribbled some unimportant things on). 

We asked each other how we were holding up... she gave me a sweet puppy look and shy smile, and I thanked her for the stuff and wished her a good day and shut the door.

Sorting through the bag I noticed she hadn't given me back my house key.  I KNOW she didn't forget it or lose it.  If she didn't give it back, it's because she chose not to. 

On wednesday, she sent me a message saying that she had finally found the earrings I had given for christmas and that it warmed her heart.  I replied that I was happy that she had found them, but that I felt we needed to stop messaging to heal and both move on, but she could still contact me by e-mail if there was practical issued that needed sorting.

On thursday, she sent me a scathing e-mail, saying that we were never a couple, but a temporary partnership, that if I needed to "heal", I could get laid with just a few clicks online, that she had wanted to build a future with me and I shattered that dream, and then she signed "the deceased".

I've been riddled with guilt since, but I didn't reply, blocked her phone and her e-mail address.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

.On thursday, she sent me a scathing e-mail, saying that we were never a couple, but a temporary partnership, that if I needed to "heal", I could get laid with just a few clicks online, that she had wanted to build a future with me and I shattered that dream, and then she signed "the deceased".

Now that most of your stuff is sorted out, it's time to delete and block on everything if you're getting hate mail.  Dragging out the breakup and rancor isn't doing you any good. Stop taking the bait. 

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

I've been riddled with guilt since

That was her goal. 

She'll flip flop between tactics searching for whatever one gets her what she wants...you remaining as her sycophant, her admirer and her servant. 

You don't need the house key. You can add an additional lock or change the locks completely.

And don't be surprised if she does show up at the Air BnB. She knows the location and the dates. If she wants you back as her plaything she'll do whatever it takes to make that happen. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

I've been riddled with guilt since, but I didn't reply, blocked her phone and her e-mail address.

What, exactly, do you feel guilty about?

Challenge yourself on that. She knows how to press your buttons, because she installed them.

You knew she'd drop the docile act the moment you didn't comply, so why would you be surprised by the drama routine?

Head high, and good job blocking her. You will thank yourself.