Is she clingy, or am I crazy? I requested to take a break

[sunday_luthier]

I've posted about my relationship before on this forum.  We're about to reach our second anniversary, but today, I requested we take a break from each other and now feel absolutely awful about it.

My case :

I'm a pretty positive guy.  I like my jobs, I play in a couple of bands, enjoy taking walks, have two daughters (part time).  I don't need a relationship, but fell in love with one of my bandmates and we've been dating for almost two years. 

She never kept her depression a secret.  She has good days and bad.  She can be incredibly affectionate and kind and loving, but on her off days, she can be dismissive and cold. 

I have taken on the role of caretaker for her when she's down (which is often).  I really thought I could get used to her depression and not let it affect me.  But it has taken a toll on my mental health.  I feel her depression is making her a bit selfish, like she needs to be the center of attention.  But I have my kids, my hobbies. 

It's gotten to a point where I'm pretty confident that if we have time to ourselves, she'll be sweet, kind and a very loving partner.  But as soon as I go back to my family or hobbies, or simply because I want to spend time alone, she's resentful and needy.  I feel like I'm spending most of my time feeling guilty, inadequate or pressured into making her a priority (which I feel she has been, but not to her standards). 

She also sends mixed signals all the time, contradicting herself, complaining that I'm not making plans to move in together, then saying she likes her independance, complaining that I don't talk about certain topics, then shutting me down when I do, complaining that I don't invite her to my house, but always declining when I do (or in a hurry to leave).

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.  Time away from her feels like a breath of fresh air but then the guilt seeps in.

Today was the latest text of "we don't spend enough time together, I never know how you feel, I've been suffering for weeks, I don't know where this relationship is going..."

I (gently) snapped.  I texted her that these kinds of statements made be feel like I would never be able to satisfy her, that we should talk about it face to face, but that I felt the need to take a step back.

She answered "fine, take your step back".

I showed our most recent text exchange to one of my closest friends, who called her crazy and suggested I run away.

But I feel terrible and guilty, like I hurt an already wounded soul. 

 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

She answered "fine, take your step back".

Sorry this is happening. Definitely take some time to reflect if this is the right woman/relationship for you.  That's all you can do if you're both so unhappy.

[tattoobunnie]

56 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. 

It's okay to have outgrown the wounded bird appeal. She sounds like a chore and a half.  The perfect one for you is a partner, where you are both bringing your best self, and filling up the jar as much as you can, so you can both take turns at the soapbox when needed, and feel supported and loved.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

I'm really not one to use words like "crazy" or "clingy," as I see those things, most often than not, as symptoms of the real issue. In this case: you plus she does not seem to be equalling what either of you want and need from romance. 

Things I'd reflect on, in your shoes, during this break? Why was I drawn to someone who I thought needed caretaking? What part of me benefits from playing the role of caretaker? Have I outgrown that part? Did I need this relationship to understand that part of me better? Have I been weary in the past of dating women who feel like my equal, in terms of their ability, as I perceive it, to cope with life? Am I ready to date someone who can care for herself? Do I want this break to be an ellipses or a period? 

Focusing on these sorts of questions can sweep away the eggshells, because they allow you to tap into your own foundation, the thing you have full access to, rather than hers, which, like anyone's, is always going to be somewhat mysterious and inaccessible.   

 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think you understand what depression is. Person with depression doesnt function in a healthy way lots of times. Its literally like you described it, one day its fine, next its all doom and gloom and cant get out of bed. And as such those kind of individuals are not a good fit for a relationship. For anyone.

But hey, you wanted to be "white knight". You are not her therapist nore you are suppose to be, if she has a depression she should treat that accordingly. You are her boyfriend. That means that you should date and see if it works out. Which clearly doesnt. From last year you are describing exactly the same problem on 3 different threads. 3! In almost a year you have the exact same situation. Because you are trying to be her "knight in shinning armor" and her therapist. 

[Cherylyn]

She sounds high maintenance.  You will determine how long of a break you need from her but after you resume your relationship,  do you foresee any improvement?  If not,  she needs to sort herself out before she can have a sound relationship with you.  She is very mentally unstable and insecure.  She leeches onto you.  If you decide to breakup eventually,  it will be awkward since you're in the same band.  If this is the case,  remain natural,  well mannered and kind yet maintain a safe,  professional distance.  It's a delicate dance but you can do it. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.  Time away from her feels like a breath of fresh air but then the guilt seeps in.

Today was the latest text of "we don't spend enough time together, I never know how you feel, I've been suffering for weeks, I don't know where this relationship is going..."

I (gently) snapped.  I texted her that these kinds of statements made be feel like I would never be able to satisfy her, that we should talk about it face to face, but that I felt the need to take a step back.

Nope, I agree, You did the right thing, for your own mentality.

No, you can't solve her problems for her.  you can't always be able to 'lift her up' or make her feel better.  She is dragging you down with her 😕 .

I have an ex who was the same.  One can NOT be happy walking on egg shells!  

You tried.  Good on you.  BUT, your own mental health is number one!

I feel it's time to walk away & stay away.  you've admitted you need some time away.  Stay there 😉 .

 

3 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

But I feel terrible and guilty, like I hurt an already wounded soul. 

This wounded soul will be as they are unless or until they can work on themselves etc.  Either way it's not your job to try & fix them or anything.  ( Is maybe a good idea she not be involved at all, but to focus on herself more to work on trying to improve etc).

 

So, try NOT to feel guilt, but feel relief.  You experienced 2 yrs of this.  Now, enjoy this breath of fresh air and no more stressors 🙂 .  Like I said.... you tried, but this isn't for you.

[rainbowsandroses]

I understand guilt but you'd be doing her a favor by ending it.  It would cause her to look within, seek changes within herself and grow and evolve into a functional human being. 

I read somewhere (can't remember where) that a good healthy relationship requires two people who are whole and complete.  Before meeting! 

Not one person "completing" the other, as many believe. 

Also, it's a good time for you to look within too to determine why you need/needed to be her savior aka white knight. 

It's also been said hurt people attract hurt people, which I believe. 

Something to consider?

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time

I've been there, in my first marriage, and would always advise anyone not to enter into any romance with a person who fails to keep their depression in check with therapy and medication.

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are not her therapist nore you are suppose to be,

On Dr. Phil, I once saw a show where a woman quit her job to be the full time caretaker for her husband who'd become a paraplegic. It was well intentioned, but ended up as the couple feeling less like a romantic couple and more like a nurse caring for a patient. Dr. Phil helped them come up with a plan to use resources where she went back to work and they used  someone else the majority of the day for her husband's care, so they could go back to going on dates and acting more like a romantic couple. Seems as though the same thing happens when you have to coddle and do whatever is expected from your partner who hasn't sought treatment from a psychiatrist like she should have. It's draining.

I'm happier after divorcing my ex. Breaks don't work. Breaks mean the person isn't right for you because you feel like the air is toxic in their presence. She survived two years ago without you as a partner and she will survive post-breakup. You can't sacrifice your happiness because you think she will wither away without your support. That's attributing too much importance to yourself. She herself told you to go ahead and step back.

[smackie9]

Making you feel like $%^& is what they do. They pull you down into their misery, want you to feel as bad as they do. They can be quite selfish, but say you are the selfish one. Heaven forbid if you are happy, heaven forbid you give your attention to someone else, heaven forbid you stand up for yourself, heaven forbid you don't put them up on a pedestal, heaven forbid you don't coddle them, heaven forbid you ever try to discuss their behavior, etc. You can never do anything right when they go down that path of negativity. Clinical depression doesn't go away, and treatment doesn't completely maintain it. There is no cure. 

Sounds to me she's not doing enough like taking meds, regular doctor appointments, seeing a psychiatrist. 

Dude a break is prolonging the obvious...time to save yourself and rip that band-aid off....run for the hills. 

[sunday_luthier]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Making you feel like $%^& is what they do. They pull you down into their misery, want you to feel as bad as they do. They can be quite selfish, but say you are the selfish one. Heaven forbid if you are happy, heaven forbid you give your attention to someone else, heaven forbid you stand up for yourself, heaven forbid you don't put them up on a pedestal, heaven forbid you don't coddle them, heaven forbid you ever try to discuss their behavior, etc. You can never do anything right when they go down that path of negativity. Clinical depression doesn't go away, and treatment doesn't completely maintain it. There is no cure. 

Sounds to me she's not doing enough like taking meds, regular doctor appointments, seeing a psychiatrist. 

Dude a break is prolonging the obvious...time to save yourself and rip that band-aid off....run for the hills. 

Wow, that description is exactly what triggered me to stand up and tell her I needed space. 

Basically, she texted to ask me how I was doing and what I had been up to the day before (I was at home by myself).  I told her was doing fine, I had done some gardening, cleared some things I wanted to get rid of in the basement, worked on a little guitar project and ordered some delicious thaï food, and was pretty happy about my day.  She pretty much responded by saying that we're obviously not on the same wave length, that she was miserable and lonely (although I know her daughter was with her that day), and that I was clearly not making our relationship a priority.

[sunday_luthier]

Another anecdote :

One day, I needed to drive my kids to their aunt's house for a weekend stay.  It was a one hour drive.  I told my GF that I'd spend the evening with her, that we'd order food when I got back. 

I drive the kids.  Their aunt asks me if I want to stay for dinner.  I tell her no, I have other plans.  I kiss the kids goodbye, hurry back to my car and start driving home.  I call her and ask her if she had any thoughts about where she wanted to order food.  She got all cold and said "whatever, did we even plan to see each other?"  I tell her yes, but then she says she doesn't feel like it. 

So I figure that's fine, no big deal.  And while I'm on the road, and since my brother is in town with his kids, I figure I'll call them up and see if they want to eat together.

Before I get a chance to call him, my GF calls me back, says "fine, you can come over".

Just as I'm entering her street, I see her car's not there.  And I receive a text saying "I'm not home.  Goodnight".....  Too late to make any other plans.  I went back to my place and ate by myself.

[boltnrun]

It's hard to understand why you expect her to respect your boundaries and need for space when YOU clearly don't.

Your most recent anecdote? Demonstrates clearly that she says "jump" and you jump. She says "don't jump", so you don't. Then she says "go ahead and jump", you do, then she leaves.

Why you put up with that is beyond me. That's manipulation she's demonstrating, not depression.

And yes, I get that depressed people are manipulative. My mother was clinically depressed and she was extremely manipulative. But me leaping to accommodate her did nothing but enable and prolong her depression. And it encouraged her to continue to be manipulative. 

It's hard for you to say her behavior is unacceptable when you've been accepting it. 

What kind of treatment is she receiving for her depression, BTW?

[bluecastle]

I’m sure these anecdotes are numerous. So the question is: What’s the draw to all this? Is it the ecstasy, however fleeting, that occurs when she is stable? Is it the empowering feeling, however illusory, of being the thing that stables it? Otherworldly sex? The challenge of decoding the enigma of her moods? 

Maybe it’s pieces of that, or none of it. Whatever it is, or was, the exasperation in your tone here indicates that it’s worn you ragged. 

Are you still in a band together? Trying to figure out why you’re so reluctant to make this “break” a more permanent condition. Sounds like both of you would be less taxed if that was the case. 

[sunday_luthier]

Yes, these anecdotes are numerous, but that particular one was the worst.  And yes abous the empowering feeling of making her better, and the sex, and her incredibly affectionate personnality when she's stable.

The reason I put up with her shenanigans is because I (wrongfully) believe that this is my way of showing her compassion and support.  I want her to feel understood, but in the end, it's helping neither of us.

[sunday_luthier]

She takes many meds, on a daily basis.  She is very organised and consistent with her meds, but has been reducing her dosage lately, as suggested by her doctor.  She won't hear of going to a therapist.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

I receive a text saying "I'm not home.  Goodnight".....  Too late to make any other plans.  I went back to my place and ate by myself.

Do you believe that she felt 'guilty' for jerking you around like this?

Does depression entitle a person to take you for granted and mistreat you?

Why would you feel at all guilty for no longer putting up with that from her--or from anyone?

Just for the record, I know many kind and lovely people who suffer from depression yet have never mistreated anyone.

[Capricorn3]

When reading your last anecdote, speaking for myself only - I would have dumped her on the spot and headed for the hills and never looked back.  You can never have a successful, happy, or healthy relationship with someone who is so dysfunctional (description in last anecdote), imo.

My advice (if you want to live a healthy life), would be to end it, once and for all, and move on.  She needs professional help.

[rainbowsandroses]

After reading your anecdotes, I'm convinced more than ever you'd be doing her and more importantly yourself a huge favor by ending things.  Franky she sounds horrible, cruel even.

Not buying it's due to depression, I've suffered from depression and it doesn't cause people to be thoughtless and cruel. 

If me, I'd be asking myself (not her) - does she even like me?  Nevermind love, just like, as a person, another human being? 

You must know that by accepting this, you're sending her the message her abhorrent treatment of you is OK, maybe you even like it on a subconscious level, otherwise why stay?  Which provides her no motivation to treat you with kindness, respect and thoughtfulness and to continue being thoughtless, dismissive and cruel.

At this point, I would forget about trying to understand her, but rather understand yourself and what keeps you there.  It's not a healthy or functional place to be imo.

I'm sorry and best of luck navigating this. 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

........when she's stable.

This is an important aspect of what's going on. You seem to have your life figured out as far as profession, interests, coparenting and more on an even keel.

In addition to the mood swings, you're incompatible. Almost working against each other.  It's understandable that you're hesitant to move forward . 

If having a nice time becomes a crap shoot depending on her moods and attitudes, it becomes a vexation, especially for people who prefer a more predictable life.  

Maybe you're trying to let her down easy, maybe you need to consider the risks and benefits. But needing a break is your instincts telling you, you're not happy.

A lot of people don't want to jump ship too soon. However when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, it's time.

You seem to be at that point. 

[sunday_luthier]

About that last anecdote, she apologized the next day, said she had had a major mood downer and had left her house to take a drive and try to calm herself.  

That's also why I let her off the hook.  She always apologizes profusely and treats with great affection afterwards.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

.  She always apologizes profusely and treats with great affection afterwards.

The make up sex is probably great. In fact all this drama and volatility contributes to that. But at what price?

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, sunday_luthier said:

That's also why I let her off the hook.  She always apologizes profusely and treats with great affection afterwards.

Research 'cycle of abuse'.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, sunday_luthier said:

That's also why I let her off the hook.  She always apologizes profusely and treats with great affection afterwards.

And then wipes her feet all over you again. And again. That is not depression. 

You have too little self-respect, OP. You have enabled this terrible, unstable behaviour from her and you need to figure out why. Concentrate less on the anecdotes and more on figuring out where your standards have disappeared to. 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It's hard for you to say her behavior is unacceptable when you've been accepting it. 

 

This.

The reason people treat us bad, whether its stuff like cheating or even abuse, is because we are the only one who would tolerate that kind of behavior. Anybody else would just turn on the other side and left. For example, in your case, nobody else would tolerate setting up a date and then if that somebody would throw a temper tantrum about your obligations, and at the end dont even show up for the date but go somewhere else. That would be inexcusable for the most people. But you passed over it. Most people who treat their partner bad stay with the partner precisely because of that. Nobody else would tolerate them. That is why she apologizes and continues to do the same. Because even she knows that nobody would tolerate her behavior othervise and doesnt try to fix or changes her behavior. Its way easier for her to abuse you in that way then to actually work on herself.