How Can I Make My Fiance Understand That I Still Want to Be With Him, But Also Maintain Friendships?

Dear eNotAlone: My fiance has a problem with being jealous of my friends. He gets territorial when it comes to them and he doesn't want me to talk to any of them, especially guys. It's hard for me to be in a relationship where I feel scared to even speak to a good friend because he'll get angry. He used to be okay with it, but he's been really bad lately and I don't know why. I'm not sure if I should break it off with him or if I can find a way to make him understand that I still want to be with him, but also maintain friendships.

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It's understandable that you're feeling uncomfortable about your fiance's sudden possessiveness. You have a right to keep the same friends you had before you started dating, and it's unfair of him to expect otherwise. Jealousy isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's a sign of caring. That said, it's important to nip this behavior in the bud so that it doesn't become a serious issue between you and your fiance.

The first step is to acknowledge your fiance's feelings. Let him know that you understand why he is feeling jealous, like that he cares about your relationship and there is something valuable between you two that he wants to protect. You can also explain to him that no amount of insecurity on his part can make you love him more. Reassure him that you are only interested in him, and that there is nothing to fear.

Once you have affirmed his feelings and thoroughly reassured him, you can work together to find a compromise. Have an open-ended conversation with him allowing him to express himself. This will give him a sense of understanding while allowing you to establish new boundaries. Explain to him that although you appreciate him wanting to protect the relationship, he cannot dictate who you can and cannot talk to. Ask him if he is comfortable with you taking a few precautions in order to allay his fears - setting boundaries together such as no social media contact with exes, setting a reasonable limit on the amount of time you spend with friends, or no late night hangouts when he isn't around. Explain that satisfying his needs would enable you to both feel secure and trusting in the relationship.

If he is willing to listen, then set down these boundaries and institute healthy communication habits into your relationship. Make it a point to check-in with each other about how you both are feeling. Talk about any situations that might be concerning either of you. Bringing problems to the surface instead of suppressing them will help you avoid future fights. Most importantly, show your fiance that you love him and that he has nothing to worry about. Give him more attention, listen more closely and make more time for one-on-one activities. Re-establish love and trust in the relationship. Doing so will let him know that he has nothing to fear because your commitment to him is strong.