The Best Marriage Advice from a Divorced Woman

A Voice Worth Listening To

There's an old saying, "Experience is the best teacher," and when it comes to marriage, these words hold tremendous weight. Some lessons are learned only through the crucible of life's trials and tribulations. Divorce, as painful and difficult as it may be, often provides some of the most insightful wisdom on marriage. It is with this hindsight, a divorced woman can give unique, time-tested advice about building a successful marriage.

Her perspective, colored by both the joys of marital love and the anguish of a relationship lost, offers a profound and valuable roadmap for couples looking to navigate the complex terrain of matrimony. The lessons learned from a failed marriage can serve as guiding lights for those in a committed relationship, helping them to avoid common pitfalls and work towards a stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling union.

There is an added value in listening to the stories of those who have walked through the fire and come out the other side. Their experiences can be transformative and insightful, offering up nuggets of wisdom that might have otherwise taken years or even a lifetime to discover. This is why, today, we're focusing on the best marriage advice from a woman who has experienced divorce.

This article is not meant to be a playbook for a perfect marriage - as such a thing does not exist. Instead, it aims to offer advice gleaned from hard-won experience, with the hope that it might help others navigate the tricky waters of matrimony. This advice, however, is not only applicable to those who are married or planning to be but can also be enlightening to those in committed relationships.

Understanding the Value of Communication

Without a doubt, one of the cornerstones of any successful relationship is communication. It's the lifeline that keeps partners connected, ensuring that both individuals are seen, heard, and valued. Yet, it's often the first thing to crumble when troubles arise. Many divorced women cite poor or insufficient communication as one of the primary reasons for their marriages' demise.

The art of communication is more than just talking or sharing day-to-day details. It's about active listening, expressing one's thoughts and feelings honestly, showing empathy, understanding, and acknowledging your partner's perspective. It involves resolving conflicts constructively and having open, sincere discussions about needs, desires, fears, and dreams. When communication falters, misunderstanding, resentment, and frustration often fill the gap, leading to a growing divide between partners.

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their partner knows what they're thinking or feeling, or they shy away from discussing hard topics. But as many divorced women will tell you, it's crucial to make communication a priority, to keep those lines of understanding open, even when – or especially when - the going gets tough. It is through this open dialogue that couples can truly connect on a deeper level, providing a sturdy foundation for their relationship.

Some practical tips to improve communication in your relationship include setting aside regular time for undisturbed, meaningful conversations, actively practicing empathy and active listening, expressing feelings and needs clearly, and seeking professional help if necessary. Remember, communication is a skill that needs constant practice and fine-tuning, so don't be disheartened if it doesn't come naturally at first.

Recognizing the Importance of Individuality

When two individuals decide to tie the knot, they often do so with the intention of becoming one. While this unity is a beautiful part of marriage, it's important to remember that you are still two distinct individuals. You have your own interests, hobbies, passions, and dreams, and maintaining these individual identities is essential to the health of your relationship.

Many divorced women often reflect on their marriage and realize they had lost a part of themselves in the process. They may have given up hobbies, distanced themselves from friends, or abandoned their dreams to fit into the marriage's mold. Over time, this loss of identity can lead to feelings of resentment, dissatisfaction, and unhappiness.

Marriage is a partnership, not a merger. It's about two unique individuals coming together to share a life while respecting and encouraging each other's individual growth. It's crucial to support your spouse's interests, give them space for personal time, and recognize their individuality as equally important as the shared bond. Remember, a tree needs space to grow, and the same is true for individuals within a marriage.

This isn't to suggest that you live separate lives, but rather that you find the balance between togetherness and individuality. Encourage each other's personal growth and interests. Make time for your hobbies, friends, and solo activities, and support your spouse in doing the same. This mutual respect and encouragement can enhance personal satisfaction, bring new energy into the relationship, and deepen the bond between you.

Nurturing Emotional Intimacy

Often, when we think of intimacy, our minds go to the physical aspect. But intimacy in a marriage is multifaceted, and one of the most critical forms of it is emotional intimacy. Many divorced women have highlighted a lack of emotional intimacy as one of the factors contributing to their relationships' breakdown.

Emotional intimacy refers to the closeness that comes from sharing your deepest, most authentic selves with each other. It's about being able to open up about your feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams without fear of judgment. It involves mutual empathy, understanding, and the ability to be each other's safe place in the world. This level of vulnerability can be challenging for many people, but it's a necessary ingredient in building a deep, fulfilling, and lasting relationship.

Building emotional intimacy takes time, effort, trust, and, most importantly, open and honest communication. Start by making time for each other every day, without distractions. Use this time to share your feelings and thoughts, ask about each other's day, or discuss dreams and aspirations. It could be as simple as a quiet dinner together, a nightly chat before sleep, or a regular date night.

Be present and attentive during these moments. Show empathy, validate your partner's feelings, and make it a safe space for both of you to share without fear of judgment or criticism. Remember, it's about understanding and connecting, not fixing or debating.

Emotional intimacy is also about supporting each other through thick and thin. Being there for your partner in times of stress or difficulty can significantly strengthen your emotional bond. It can make your partner feel loved, valued, and secure in your relationship, further enhancing your emotional closeness.

Realizing That Love is a Decision, Not Just a Feeling

When we talk about love, we often focus on the passionate, intoxicating feeling that initially sparks a relationship. It's a beautiful, vital part of the love story, but it's also just the beginning. As many divorced women will attest, sustaining a marriage requires understanding that love is not just a feeling – it's a decision, a commitment that needs to be consciously made every day.

Feelings can ebb and flow, affected by mood, stress, changes in life, and even the mundane routines of daily life. If love was solely based on feelings, relationships would be at the mercy of these ever-changing emotions. But love, in its truest, most enduring form, is about choosing to love, even when the butterflies have settled.

It's about choosing your partner, every day, in both good times and bad. It's about choosing to be kind when you're angry, choosing to communicate when it's easier to shut down, choosing to work through issues when walking away seems simpler. It's about choosing to be there for your partner, not because you're swept up in the whirlwind of passionate love, but because you've made a conscious decision to love them, unconditionally and wholeheartedly.

True love is not just about passion; it's about friendship, respect, understanding, patience, forgiveness, and commitment. It's about standing by your partner, celebrating their successes, supporting them in their failures, and always striving to bring out the best in each other. As many divorced women would advise, never forget that real, enduring love is a choice - one you should consciously make every single day.

Respecting and Resolving Differences

No two people are exactly alike, and this is even truer when it comes to a marriage. You and your spouse will have different personalities, backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives. These differences, if not handled correctly, can lead to misunderstandings, disagreements, and conflicts.

However, as many divorced women will point out, differences are not the problem; it's how couples handle these differences that matters. Conflicts, when managed constructively, can lead to growth, understanding, and a stronger bond. However, when handled destructively, they can lead to resentment, hurt, and a widening chasm in the relationship.

Therefore, it's crucial to learn effective conflict resolution skills. This involves understanding that conflict is not a win-lose situation, but an opportunity to understand your partner better. It's about active listening, empathizing with your partner's point of view, expressing your feelings and thoughts clearly and respectfully, and finding a solution that respects both partners' needs and feelings.

Remember, it's not about who's right or wrong. It's about understanding each other and finding common ground. It's also about choosing your battles wisely. Not every disagreement needs to be an argument, and sometimes, agreeing to disagree is the best solution. What matters is that, at the end of the day, your respect and love for each other should outweigh any differences or disagreements.

Appreciating the Importance of Quality Time Together

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, couples often neglect to spend quality time together. Work, kids, chores, social obligations - all these can take up significant chunks of time, leaving little space for one-on-one interaction. Many divorced women emphasize that one of the elements they missed in their marriage was spending meaningful time together.

Spending quality time together is not about being in the same space doing your own things. It's about being present with each other, engaging in shared activities, having meaningful conversations, and creating shared memories. This time spent together strengthens the bond, improves communication, increases understanding, and enhances emotional intimacy.

It's essential to prioritize time for your relationship amidst the daily demands of life. It could be as simple as a shared meal without distractions, a walk in the park, a weekly date night, or a shared hobby. What matters is that you are present, engaged, and focused on each other during this time.

Remember, relationships, like plants, need regular nourishment to grow and flourish. Don't let the busyness of life starve your relationship of the time and attention it needs to thrive.

Conclusion: Learning from the Past, Building for the Future

Every relationship is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all formula for a successful marriage. Yet, the wisdom shared by those who have walked this path before us can serve as a valuable guide. Divorced women, having navigated the highs and lows of a marriage, offer an insightful, realistic, and often overlooked perspective on sustaining a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

As shared in this article, effective communication, respecting individuality, nurturing emotional intimacy, understanding that love is a decision, managing differences constructively, and spending quality time together are among the key pieces of advice offered by divorced women. These insights not only shed light on common pitfalls and challenges in a marriage but also offer practical guidance on building stronger, healthier relationships.

Marriage, like any meaningful journey, is filled with unexpected twists and turns, ups and downs, joys and challenges. It requires effort, commitment, patience, and a lot of love. By learning from the past, we can make better choices in the present and build stronger foundations for the future. May this advice guide you on your journey, helping you cultivate a successful, fulfilling marriage.

Further Resources

1. "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman

2. "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson

3. "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver