How Can I Deal with My Husband's Ex-Girlfriend Who is Driving Me Crazy?

Dear eNotAlone: It started off innocently enough - she was a former flame of my husband's, and seemed to have some unresolved feelings around the end of their relationship. I thought that over time that she would get over it and move on. Instead, it's gotten progressively worse and more frustrating. Now she's constantly sending him messages and trying to invite herself over. My husband insists that they no longer have any relationship of any kind, yet her actions remain the same. She even asked if he could come repair something at her house, despite the fact that he has no skill at anything home-related!

I don't want our marriage to be affected by this woman continually hanging around, doing things like sending him cards on his birthday and telling him how much better she is than me. I just want her to leave us alone and take her 'obsession' elsewhere. Aside from notifying her that my husband has a wife, what can we do to protect our marriage from her relentless pursuit?

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A situation like this involving your husband's ex-girlfriend is certainly delicate, perplexing and unique. No one wants to fear the presence of another individual in a marriage, so the first order of business is to actively work to limit interactions between the two of them. This means insisting upon polite but firm boundaries being set. You may need to remind your husband that respecting you and your marriage is of top priority and should always remain at the forefront of his mind when dealing with his ex.

Communication is vital in this process; speak openly and honestly with your husband about your concerns and make sure that he realizes that they are valid. Depending upon the situation and history between them, it may even be appropriate for your husband to speak directly to his ex, reiterating in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over and that ongoing communication, in any form, is unwelcome.

As a couple, you might also consider consulting with an impartial third party as part of the resolution process. A therapist, life coach or clergyperson who can provide insight and understanding can be extremely beneficial in situations like this, helping manage the emotions involved and ensuring that both of your voices are heard. Don't feel bad for seeking outside help if needed; you are ultimately protecting yourself and your relationship.

Your own emotional well-being should also not be neglected; this kind of stress can be exhausting. Consider self-care routines like yoga, meditation, journaling or taking time for yourself as ways to reduce tension. Talking to friends and loved ones can go a long way towards helping you cope as well. And above all, express your feelings freely and avoid bottling up your resentment or anger towards the situation. These kinds of human dynamics are never easy to grapple with. But if both parties remain open-minded and do their best to establish a sense of normalcy in the midst of the chaos, there is no reason why a solution cannot be found.