What to do if breakup is entirely my fault?

please no flames as this is my fault. i accept full responsibility.

had a huge fight 1.5 weeks ago with SO where i said a bunch of hurtful things i really didnt mean (and im ashamed of)

i tried to text/call for 3 days afterwards -i was desperate/traumatized and told him i wanted to work things out. that i was sorry and couldnt imagine him not in my life. i would truly work on myself. no answer to anything. total silence.

the day before he shipped all my things back to my house (that really broke my heart). that's when i knew it was bad...

i have since done no contact since it seems like he doesnt want anything to do with me. a part of me is still hoping he will somehow come back. it was a 10 month relationship where we were happy (usual argument here and there but we immediately patched things right back) and had plans for the future.

so my question is this -at what point do i move on? when do i even start dating again?

if he really cared about me wouldnt he at least try to hear me out or make things work? or at least tell me it's over? is he the type who just shuts down and avoids conflict? is that the type of guy im even supposed to be with?

i know you cant guarantee closure after a breakup but this is eating at me. we were so happy just minutes before this stupid argument. it couldve been prevented.. and now it's all over just like that?

What was the argument about and what did you say? Without knowing what happened it is impossible to know what to advise.

What did you say to him?

I do think he could have at least broken up with you over the phone. But shipping your stuff is a pretty clear non-verbal clue that it's over.

I wouldn't even worry about when to date when you are so desperate for your ex.

If he shipped your stuff back he's done. Work on yourself before you get into another relationship.

What sort of things did you say? Give some examples.

Breakups are never just one person's fault - it take two to make AND break a relationship. Every one of us has said and/or done things that we wish we could take back so whatever one thing you said was not the reason this relationship failed. If all it took was ONE argument with hurtful/mean things to end it, then he is not someone who can or will work through difficult times. No one wants a partner that is going to flee any time there is trouble - someone who just walks out without a word and sends your stuff back to you??

On the flip side (and I had to work on this, too, after my breakup) words DO hurt and learning to control what we say to others is important in maintaining healthy relationships. When I was feeling hurt or in pain with my ex, I would say things hurtful things. For him, that was part of the deal-breaker. (Funnily enough, though, he lashed out in the same way AFTER the breakup, so he got a taste of what it's like to have that pain/hurt and react in an angry way.)

You have said what you have said to him, about working on yourself, etc etc... he knows you want to get back together and there is nothing more that you can do now but leave him alone. Do NOT think about dating at this time. He may come back, he may not - there is nothing wrong with hoping - but you do need to live your life without him in it... if you can, work with a therapist to find out why you lash out when you're hurt, insecure, etc. and keep his "runner/extricating/conflict-avoider" behavior as a reminder of what kind of relationship it would be if you were to be back with him... that doesn't sound like a relationship you would want - you don't want to be in a roller-coaster relationship.

My recent ex (14mo relationship) was a runner-outer when things were tough in the end- doing the "it's through!!" and storming out several times, only to come back a few days later... it made for a very miserable last few months of our relationship. My other serious relationships (five-year, 12-year and an 8-year marriage, all of whom I'm still great friends with) were with people who were more stable during the normal conflict that arose, and I didn't have to live with that painful roller-coaster. Take his behavior as a sign of how things will be and ask yourself if that's really something you want. For months after the end of my last relationship, I would have done ANYTHING to have him back and I blamed myself for EVERYTHING ... now with time (nine months out) and a great therapist, I am able to see that that isn't the kind of man I want for the long-term and, yes, "il faut être deux pour danser le tango"... Good luck to you.

Kadbanoo, the problem with your therapist is that he or she would be coming out with the same lines to your ex if he was on the couch in front of them. My take on it is that the dumper will attempt to blame ALL the problems and reasons for breaking up on the dumpee to lessen the guilt they feel, and that because of the dumpees weakened emotional state they will literally absorb this BS and blame themselves for a period of time until they come to their senses a few weeks or months later. During this time they're in a confused state, like most of the people posting on this forum.

I agree with you that words do hurt, and there are boundaries that people cross at their own peril. When you're with a new partner and confiding all your most innermost secrets and issues with them, you're doing it so they can understand you and the way you deal with life. If these confidential and intimate thoughts are then thrown back in your face during an argument, or like my ex did, discussed them with her close female friends and family then it's actually a complete betrayal of confidence and trust and can be a deal breaker for a lot of people. I've always respected things said to me in confidence by friends or partners, and can't understand why other people can't.

The OP doesn't state exactly what she said to this guy for him to send her stuff back to her, but for example words said in anger about his family, sexual performance, lack of money etc could have been such an assault on his self esteem that she might as well have cheated on him for what it's worth. I've known a couple of women who've gone beyond the pale with things said in anger to boyfriends, and been duly dumped for it.

You describe the guy being a 'runner/extricating/conflict-avoider' like it's some of behaviour problem, but is it? I would avoid arguments with a girlfriend like the plague, because every sensible guy who understands women knows this. It's what a lot of professional therapists would advise also, it's way more sensible to discuss things in a calm rational fashion.

The bottom line is that if you're the sort of person who throws up deeply personal and nasty comments in an argument, then you shouldn't be surprised if you end up getting dumped because it's you that needs to get therapy or work on your issues after the dust has settled.