We still love each other.

I broke up with my ex last February. After we met to give each other the last of our things, I initiated NC. I blocked him on my phone and he blocked me on social media, so we really did have NO. He was with someone else after and so was I.

About 3 weeks ago, I found a funny picture I wanted to share with him because I knew he would really enjoy it. I sent it to him and he sent me back an equally silly pic. For about a week we would just send each other funny things - not really talking at all. Two weeks ago my grandmother (who he knows) had some scary health issues and one weekend during a hospital visit, my family and I had a falling out over something and I had to walk away for awhile. And I found myself at the same spot he and I were when we went to the hospital because his ex let their daughter swallow a penny. At that moment the only person I wanted to talk to was him, and so I did. And he talked back, and told me he was always there if I needed him for anything. I knew right then that not only was I not over him, but I still loved him. I broke it off with the guy I had been with immediately. No sense stringing him along with the hope of getting my heart, especially since it still belongs to someone else.

Since then we have been texting, not every day, but most days. On Monday, we met in a mall parking lot to talk about things. He's still with the girl from before and is living with her, but he said that after me, he didn't want to be alone and that they are basically over and he's trying to find his own place now, but it's difficult to find an affordable one with 2 bedrooms (he wants a room for his daughter when she comes over). Since I realized I was basically with that other guy for the same reason, I can't really blame him. We mutually decided that we still wanted to be in each other's lives, but I'm still hurt and angry over how he treated me before that I'm not sure to what capacity.

At the end of our relationship, he told me that he felt like moving in with me caused him to run away from his problems and left his daughter behind, for me. He was in a custody battle with his ex and in moving in with me, felt like he had chosen me over his daughter, even though I wanted him to fight for her and us become a family (although it wasn't until much later that I felt that way - kids scare me). I was so hurt and shocked by the resentment he felt for me, that I completely shut down. Not only that, but he started getting cozy with a girl he worked with. He frequently went over to her and her boyfriend's house and spent much more time there than with me. I tried very hard not to be THAT girlfriend and become very clingy, but I felt it was very unfair to me. It was a combo of her and his resentment that made me end it. The girl from work - that's who he is with now. He caused a break-up of her and her man because he moved in with them after me.

I was very angry at him for a long time. Up until now, actually. I buried all my feelings under that anger. And now that we're sort of friends again, it's coming back to the surface of how much he and I were to each other. We were all each other had for years. It's hard to forget that. I can't forget the total devastation he put me through, but neither can I forget shutting him out completely when he repeatedly made attempts to contact me to talk about it.

I'm at a crossroad. I'm back to checking my phone all the time to see if he texted me. And when he does, I get so happy. After seeing him on Monday, I completely feel like our story is not over yet. He has been the love of my life so far and I honestly think I would be okay with dealing with everything that has happened, to move forward with him.

I guess I'm just looking for some insight. I have told him that I felt like we weren't over yet, and he said he felt the same. He has apologized so many times, with the knowledge that it's just words. I guess I'm just looking for thoughts and opinions.

First - There is a lot of unresolved resentment here that you touch on but need to keep sight of. For anything to ever occur YOU must let that go.

Second - DO NOTHING until he moves out from living with someone.

Third - Its sounds as if he has so issues with attachment versus commitment. From what you describe, he needs attachment but has issues with "clinginess".

You need to have a clear cut conversation and plan of what would be different where BOTH people's needs and feelings are considered and accepted BUT NOT UNTIL he moves out of living with someone else.

Thank you for your reply. I contacted him a little while ago and said I wanted to move forward, but nothing would happen until he moved out from that's girl's place. I said I wouldn't pressure him about it (because he doesn't respond well to pressure) but that it is up to him to remedy his situation. He said he understood completely and wanted to meet to talk over everything that has happened. I asked him when, and he said he's not sure because the last 72 hours have made his life very complicated. I said mine too, and asked if he wanted to do NC for him to get everything handled that needed to be handled. So as for right now, we're sort of in limbo.

Thank you for your reply. I contacted him a little while ago and said I wanted to move forward, but nothing would happen until he moved out from that's girl's place. I said I wouldn't pressure him about it (because he doesn't respond well to pressure) but that it is up to him to remedy his situation. He said he understood completely and wanted to meet to talk over everything that has happened. I asked him when, and he said he's not sure because the last 72 hours have made his life very complicated. I said mine too, and asked if he wanted to do NC for him to get everything handled that needed to be handled. So as for right now, we're sort of in limbo.

That's fine. Just be sure not to be left in limbo.

I contacted him a little while ago and said I wanted to move forward, but nothing would happen until he moved out from that's girl's place.

I wouldn't hold my breath, but if that were to happen, the grand prize would be a man that cheats on his girlfriend to be with you. I think you're looking at this through rose colored glasses, rather than seeing the facts, along with turning a blind eye to what likely lies ahead.

You have some thinking to do...

I wouldn't hold my breath, but if that were to happen, the grand prize would be a man that cheats on his girlfriend to be with you. I think you're looking at this through rose colored glasses, rather than seeing the facts, along with turning a blind eye to what likely lies ahead.

You are right. I acknowledge this. But when you love someone, aren't you supposed to love all sides of them, and if you can't love the bad sides, you at least appreciate where they're coming from? He has a lot of issues, I know this; but I have a whole lot of my own. I don't trust easily. I have self image issues. I'm majorly depressed and type II bipolar. But he has always taken everything in stride. I am aware that it will be constant work on both of our parts to keep the lines of communication open. But after everything we've been through, I have hope. And if something else happens, then at least I'll have learned. I'm a firm believer in 2nd chances.

"But when you love someone, aren't you supposed to love all sides of them, and if you can't love the bad sides, you at least appreciate where they're coming from? He has a lot of issues, I know this; but I have a whole lot of my own. I don't trust easily. I have self image issues. I'm majorly depressed and type II bipolar. But he has always taken everything in stride. I am aware that it will be constant work on both of our parts to keep the lines of communication open. But after everything we've been through, I have hope. And if something else happens, then at least I'll have learned. I'm a firm believer in 2nd chances."

It is possible, and in fact often recommended to love someone without inviting them into one's life.

My exH and I love each other. We divorced to arrive at the distance apart that allows us to love each other constructively. I want him in my life no more than I want illness. I respect his choices hardly ever. I never quite feel like I have the absolute truth from him. But I do love him and want the best for him and understand his heart and love his parents. He does not harm me, directly, or undermine our kids, intentionally, but he has caused financial ruin and self-esteem issues, all of which I was able to correct/counterbalance only once I created and secured significant boundaries between us.

Do not confuse love with a need to adopt someone else's problems as your own, or otherwise invite them into your life.

" He has been the love of my life so far and I honestly think I would be okay with dealing with everything that has happened, to move forward with him."

- But, I don't feel you have dealt with anything.. that has happened.

You broke up last February.. you both went and found someone else. ( was that a rebound?)

You are saying you are still feeling resentment against him.. That is not good.

>>"I was so hurt and shocked by the resentment he felt for me, that I completely shut down. Not only that, but he started getting cozy with a girl he worked with."

"I was very angry at him for a long time. Up until now, actually. I buried all my feelings under that anger. And now that we're sort of friends again, it's coming back to the surface of how much he and I were to each other."

"We were all each other had for years. It's hard to forget that. I can't forget the total devastation he put me through, but neither can I forget shutting him out completely when he repeatedly made attempts to contact me to talk about it."

At this point, I feel you are NOT ready to get into something again, with him.

You've still got those issue's to deal with here. And if you don't? That'll be dragged into this one too, should you two get back together..

Best thing for you now is to deal with it, on your own.

Someday... you may be ready to 'try dating' again. And do it all slowly, like you just met.

We have been chatting via text for now. We haven't decided on a time to meet to hash things out yet, but I think he is waiting until the weekend because we both have Saturday off. I listen to Pandora most of the time at work and he wanted to know what songs I was listening to today. This spawned some recollections of previous happy memories and I enjoyed remembering those with him. I'm hopeful that things will work out - but I'm also more level-headed about the past. I won't wait for him to fix what needs to be fixed forever.

Don't wait even a day.

Take him as he is, or don't take him at all.

If you need reasons to understand that, here are several:

(1) Taking him with the hope of him changing is fundamentally insulting to him. He may even acknowledge that he would like to change, but he still deserves someone who loves him as he is, so that the love he has from his gf is UNCONDITIONAL. Your affection is conditioned on him changing. Not fair.

(2) You wait a day, a year, whatever. He takes you off the market on a promise-to-pay contract, basically. You would not let someone else drive your car this way: sure, take it! Pay me later! That is what is happenging here: Sure, take me! Change later! No.

Don't go back. Its a bad deal for everyone. Let go of the memories, the connection, the dream. It will arrive again in your life, when you are again ready for it, in better form.

We are what we attract. Make yourself who you expect to become, and let life deliver your next man to your doorstep.

We have been chatting via text for now. We haven't decided on a time to meet to hash things out yet, but I think he is waiting until the weekend because we both have Saturday off. I listen to Pandora most of the time at work and he wanted to know what songs I was listening to today. This spawned some recollections of previous happy memories and I enjoyed remembering those with him. I'm hopeful that things will work out - but I'm also more level-headed about the past. I won't wait for him to fix what needs to be fixed forever.

He needs to make his daughter his priority. If he is in a custody battle, he has NOT been divorced long or is not divorced yet, I would imagine. I think you should stop the meaningless conversation you are having and go no contact. I would not even entertain the idea of thinkign ANYTHING about a guy who was living with a woman who was not me. You don't want someone to jump from woman to woman.

I said mine too, and asked if he wanted to do NC for him to get everything handled that needed to be handled

You are way too accommodating. Don't ask him if he wants to go no contact. Just go no contact, You decide to do it and then stop responding to meaningless conversation and silly pictures. Do it for YOU. This guy is not ready for a relationship at all. You need to find someone who is. And don't move in with someone right away and specifically do not move in with someone if commitment is very important to you.