Why do I have to pretend like the relationship never happened?

Hello everyone,

I'm new here and have been reading some posts for the past few weeks and have found things really helpful. But I thought it might be time to try to get some more specific thoughts on what I'm having trouble with right now.

My story in a few sentences is we dated for three years, really intense loving relationship (we were each other's first everything and I have not seen two people more in love), the entire relationship was long-distance, then he changed schools--the change in his scenery meant he needed different things while I was still where I had always been, the relationship started falling apart because we were in different places. He initiated the break-up, I resisted, we got back together after two months of being apart but constantly talking, then broke up finally a month later.

I know that our love and care for each other was real and incredibly deep, but I also totally understand all the reasons we broke up and I have tried as hard as I can to come to peace with the fact that it needed to happen at this point in our lives. I just hoped that if we broke up now it wouldn't mean we could never be together again.

But, what I really can't come to terms with right now is the fact that after our second break-up he has essentially ignored me and cut me out of his life. In the last six months we have talked maybe three times and seen each other twice--all initiated by me. Yet in the few times we've communicated he claims he wants to be friends and that he still cares about me, yet there is no evidence of any of that in his actions.

How can love and care be like a light switch? I get that we shouldn't be together, but our relationship was so loving and caring that I never thought that we would abandon each other if we couldn't be together romantically. I don't know why not being together means we have to pretend like the other doesn't exist (or never even existed). That makes me feel like our entire relationship wasn't worth anything because if we really loved and cared about each other, we would still actively care about the other even if we couldn't be together romantically. Do I have to pretend like our relationship never happened--because that's what it feels like what he is doing. How am I supposed to cut three years out of my life?

There's so much more to the story (obviously), but this is the bare bones...

Thanks for any insight or advice.

L

How long since you broke up?

sigh, I know what you mean but this doesn't take anything away from what you once had. He may still love and care about you, but it's easier to let go if you're not in constant contact. He must want to move on and this will help him do it. That's all.

Someday you might be friends. For now you have to put distance between you (like he is) so you can cultivate your independent life. You don't have to cut out three years of your life. Your relationship will always be part of your life story and you'll always remember it. But you have to let it fade into the past and be replaced with new people and experiences. I think he's doing the right thing and you should probably do the same. Yes, you have to act like he doesn't exist because for you, he doesn't. At least not right now.

Most people who break up do eventually move on... I think the problem here is that he is healing and moving on, and you are not ready to let go of him yet. It doesn't mean you never meant anything to him, it means it didn't work out and he is healing and keeping you as a casual friend rather than treating you like a girlfriend, and you are upset by that. You live in different areas and are no longer dating, and eventually your bond has to be broken because you will both get new partners and having an ex lurking around usually doesn't work...

I think rather than focusing on him, you need to start putting efforts into finding local friends you can bond with, as well as people you can date... friends and dates come and go in our lives, and they may have once meant a lot to us, but life is about change. And you will one day meet someone who will become your permanent partner, and the sooner you get out there and start looking for him and into the future rather than back into the past, the sooner you will feel better and heal.

The first time he broke up with you it was contact that persuaded him to try again. Breaking up a second time means he's not likely to set himself up for that to happen again. By 'friends' he means no hard feelings, but that doesn't mean he intends to be in active contact right now. That doesn't mean he won't ever want to reach out, but for the time being he's deciding not to make this more difficult than it needs to be.

You might believe that staying in contact would make healing easier, but if you read these boards a bit more you'll see hundreds of arguments against that. Take some comfort that most people can relate to your feelings and know how difficult this is.

Head high.

Thank you so much you guys for your insight and advice. I really appreciate it.

Coolchick, we broke up for the first time in January, got back together from March-April, broke up again at the beginning of May.

Lavenderdove, you are right in saying that I am having trouble moving on--this is true, as much as I say that I understand why we broke up and know it could be no other way. I do still love him and do wish that we could have a second chance at some point (though the anger I will mention in a second is slowly starting to change that I think).

And I totally understand what you are saying, catfeeder. I guess I just wish he had been enough of a man to admit to not wanting to be in contact and to say "look, this is hard for me, we should probably not talk for a while." Instead of saying that he has only shown it in actions, in ignorance and dismissal--but he continues to say things like I want to be friends and "you exist very much to me" (in the few times we've talked over the last six months).

I guess I'm struggling with my anger right now and with the fact that I switch back and forth between giving into my anger and therefore trying to move on, and holding onto my love for him. I understand NC and see how it has been really good for me, but six months is a LONG time. I don't see how he can shut himself off from me after what we've been through together. The weird thing is that I really understand that we had to breakup, I'm more not ok with our current state. I'm not looking for a friendship, I'm looking to be in a place with him where we can nod to each other from time to time in an email and say, "hey, you exist in the world and I care about you, I hope you're doing well." I've been reading mayday11's posts and he has this concept of low contact--and I have no idea why we can't be there yet and why it is taking him so long to get there. He's acting like i did something horrible to him at the end of the relationship when really, it was a pretty mutual break-down. At this point though, I'm going back and forth between extreme anger and wanting to never see him or talk to him again because I can't believe he could abandon me like this (i also can't believe he would jump into another relationship three weeks after we broke up--I've decided he's a serial monogamist), and trying to understand what you all are saying: that the dumper needs to heal too and that some people just need more time than others. I don't know whether to cut him slack because this is supposedly normal for break-ups (this is my first one), or to be absolutely outraged and incredibly hurt at his ability to cut me out of his life without being man enough to own up to it ever. I hate him for making me hate him so much.

laur - i know how you feel.

I constantly check my phone and email waiting to hear some sort of response...but I am always let down. It makes me feel like maybe he forgot all about me. Or maybe he doesn't love me. Or maybe he found someone else. My thoughts drive me crazy sometimes. Honestly, we can try to analyze our exes all we want. But in the end...we'll never really know what they're going through. They may be perfectly fine, or completely miserable. Who knows?

It's obvious that you still have hope of a reconciliation. I do too...but we shouldn't wait for it. I know of people who get back together years down the line after having no contact whatsoever. It's definitely possible, but we can't wait for it. Life doesn't stop...if people are truly destined to be together, I believe they'll find a way. In the meantime, focus on yourself and don't worry too much about what he's doing. Let time do it's job.

[…] I guess I just wish he had been enough of a man to admit to not wanting to be in contact and to say "look, this is hard for me, we should probably not talk for a while." Instead of saying that he has only shown it in actions, in ignorance and dismissal--but he continues to say things like I want to be friends and "you exist very much to me" (in the few times we've talked over the last six months).

I understand. Some people are best loved from far away. Our love for them may be real for us, but our limits in dealing with them are our own to decide. We're entitled to identify such people in our own lives, and some people will make -us- into that person for themselves.

All relationships are voluntary. We can't decide someone else's readiness to have one or to what degree. How they opt to express their limits is irrelevant, they're still entitled to uphold them. They're allowed their own definition of a 'friend,' even if it's nothing more than not viewing another as an enemy.

I'm not pointing this stuff out to be patronizing, it's just that criticizing what he says as he distances himself won't help you to gain his friendship--or a new perspective. Resentment might serve a certain purpose in your grief process, but it focuses on the wrong stuff--he's not of the mind for interaction right now, so look past him. Decide whether it might best serve you to become the woman who surprises everyone (including you) at your resiliency and your ability to bounce back and create a fabulous life for yourself. Decide how that will feel and what it will look like and how you can start moving yourself forward to that place.

Six months of grief can seem like years of torture, but it's a relatively short time in the scheme of getting over a long relationship. I wasn't completely healed a full year after my last breakup--you get to do this in your own time and your own way. I'd try to focus on ways to be kind to myself, to reward myself, and for ways to make this time easier for myself, not harder.

If ex is ever ready to reach out and discover the person you've become, he'll make sure you're the first to know. Meanwhile, liberate yourself from waiting for that day. Focus on ways to make him matter less while you matter more.

In your corner.

catfeeder, thank you so much. and you are in no way patronizing. sometimes you need to hear these things over and over again because you keep forgetting them--and being reminded that i can't in any way change what he wants is really helpful.

it sounds like you think that anger and resentment aren't really the way to go, and i'm still having trouble with that issue. i think i might need it for now to help me move on, because for the first time i'm thinking that maybe he isn't the best person for me and i think that's good for me. but i hope that once i've healed the anger and resentment will melt away, so that if he does come back (for friendship or anything else) i don't have to attack him. i just think that if he contacted me now, i am so angry i wouldn't be able to help but lash out--which is the last thing he wants and will only push him further away...this stuff if hard.

but again, i really appreciate your words and encouragement. they are very helpful.

[…] it sounds like you think that anger and resentment aren't really the way to go, and i'm still having trouble with that issue. i think i might need it for now to help me move on, because for the first time i'm thinking that maybe he isn't the best person for me and i think that's good for me. but i hope that once i've healed the anger and resentment will melt away, so that if he does come back (for friendship or anything else) i don't have to attack him. i just think that if he contacted me now, i am so angry i wouldn't be able to help but lash out--which is the last thing he wants and will only push him further away...this stuff if hard.

 

but again, i really appreciate your words and encouragement. they are very helpful.

 

No, I don't view anger as bad--just depends on how you work it. Anger can be beneficial if you use it to push yourself ahead instead of creating a barrier that keeps you stagnating in the past. There's ass kicking anger that motivates, then there's self-defeating anger in futility that squelches the soul.

 

Any 'tool' can be used to aid or harm.

 

Resentment is a different story. That's the stuff that churns and eats your stomach lining. It builds when you keep investing in controlling people or circumstances that you can't control. I'd skip that, get angry as hell for the loss you're suffering, step through the ashes and rip down some smoldering drapes and sew a new cape--then go rebuild a life that would knock whatshisname's lights out.

Hi laur,

I just read your post! Your story reminds me so much of my own! My ex broke up with me beginning of August. We were in a LDR for 3,5 years (the entire time), we were our first serious relationships, as well. Our relationship was amazing, I've never felt like that with anyone before, I have loved him with all my heart and wanted to stay with him for the rest of my life... I never saw any signs of him being unhappy, on the contrary, he seemed just fine, he also told me, how lucky he found himself to have me as is gf, we were planning our future, the furniture we would buy for our flat, how we would call our children one day...End of next year, I will have my degree and would have moved to be with him, finally... well, then he broke up with me, out of the blue in order to be with someone else, someone local... It was never easy with the distance, but for me he was so worth it, the thought of waking up next to each other every day without having to say goodbye after a few days, kept me going, gave me the energy to continue our LDR...now he is leading a LDR with his new gf as well, since he had to move to another country due to his job... well, after the break up, he went NC, I initiated contact after about 7 weeks, I asked him for some answers that I still had in my mind, since he litteraly just disappeared from my life, not really giving me any explanations or reasons for his behaviour, just avoiding me...he avoided answering my questions and let me know, he is happy with his new gf and that she has a problem with him staying in touch with me and that he understands her, of course. He wished me good luck for my exams end of next year and wished me a happy future... I was devastated and so hurt of him being so indifferent...!

I'm soooo sooo hurt, he just kicked me out of his life, as if I'm garbage, as if I never existed, as if he never knew me, as if he never loved me....as if everything was just a lie.... it hurts so much to know, how easily he can move on, how easily he can forget about me and our relationship, which lasted for 3,5 years and not just 1 month or 2...I just don't understand how this is possible... I'm really struggling and can't stop thinking about him... I find it very weird to act like strangers... but what can I do, it is his choice?! Although it hurts and feels "wrong" for me, I have to act like he doesn't exist either, since he does exactly that... I know, how much it hurts, believe me...

wow, destiny, that is similar! though we didn't break up because of other people, he did get with someone about a month after we broke up the second time and is now doing an ldr with her. i have no idea how he can do that! jump from ldr to ldr!

anyways, i know exactly how you're feeling. i don't understand how this is possible either. i think i believe that if you find someone in your life who you love, care about, and connect with, then no matter what, even if you cant be together romantically, you shouldn't let that connection go completely. these things are so incredibly rare that you should never take it for granted. we know things about each other that no one else knows--even if we can't be in a relationship we should be able to be there for each other, as two people in the world who care about the other. i kept pleading when it happened that i dont just want to be acquaintances, that i want to continue to have a meaningful relationship, and he agreed with all of that. but look at where i am now. i understand that people need time, but i shouldnt have to act like he doesn't exist! that is just crazy. we have enough history and love and care to not have to go through this dismissal and ignoring eachother and and to shake the break-up off and talk to each other as two people in the world who care about the other. our relationship was so much more than this and we have so much more of a foundation--we shouldn't have to throw that all away. i understand nc for a while, but this has just been too long. i hate this and won't ever understand it!!

I'm in the same boat Laur..we were together for 5 years..3rd breakup was almost 6 months ago. She's only reached out once with a business-like, mechanical email. Right there with you with the anger and resentmemt..its like it meant nothing to her...I even called her after 4 months and talked about keeping a friendship goin, and she swore that she would call me, and then effing never did...its just astounding how she could just trash everything like this )sigh((((

I'll offer my own psychological assessment of this kind of behavior:

I think whether it's the dumper or dumpee "ignoring" or "neglecting" their ex, it has to do with each individual psychological and emotional tendencies. If someone is avoidant, they will avoid the source that makes them feel uncomfortable. If someone is emotionally unavailable, they will shutdown in order to feel less pain.

In a lot of these instance, including my own, the time since the breakup has not been significant. There HAS to be a substantial amount of NC if there is to be any kind of friendly relationship in the future. My friends -- all very mature and kind people -- have remained friendly with many of their ex's, but they all said it took them 1 to 2 years of not speaking to be able to become friends. If you keep on talking to your ex, those emotional bonds and ties are never going to break.

pillowtalk, i definitely know you're right--he's avoiding what will hurt him and make him uncomfortable/guilty, etc. i just can't believe he's that much of a wuss. i guess i hoped that if he felt guilty that would make him call more to show me that he still cares, even if we can't be together. again, i don't want to be friends right now, i just want some show for the first time in six months that he recognizes my existence and that i mean something to him still after three amazing years (and after being friends for four years prior to that). and i guess i don't understand why all of the emotional bonds have to break...i have trouble with the idea that you will never talk to some bfs again--i don't think i believe in that or understand that at all. friendship was the basis of our relationship, so i dont understand how we would let our romantic relationship get in the way of that. ugh, i know i'm being naive in a way. and really the only person who can understand is him--he's the only one who knows what our relationship was like and so he is the only one who could get how messed up it is that we aren't talking--that he isn't talking to me. and you're right that i need to accept it but i guess i don't think i'm there yet. and i'm afraid i will never get there--that i will be so angry at him forever if this is what he decides to do with our amazing connection, romantic or not.

ah, sorry i'm sounding like such a broken record and probably really stubborn. i'm really trying. it's just so hard when you don't recognize someone after so long because of how they have started treating you.

god, sometimes i think of what you all are saying and about how i don't care if we're friends and that i know i can't change what he wants. but other times i feel like shaking him so hard and saying "WE'RE NOT STRANGERS SO LETS STOP ACTING LIKE IT!" "WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND EVEN IF WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER, LETS NOT THROW EVERYTHING AWAY!" i'm feeling all of that right now. so much anger at him and desire to make him remember what we had and that we can be ok--even if not together. i'm so angry that all he is taking from the relationship is bad memories--otherwise he wouldn't need all this space. i can't believe he's not remembering the good!!! AHHHHHH!