Leaving your partner for someone else

What do you think of a man/woman who leaves their gf/bf/husband/wife for another man/woman WITHOUT physically cheating first.

 

You know.. that situation where you are with someone, in a committed relationship. Possibly for years. Suddenly your good friend of the opposite sex confesses they are in love with you and you leave your current partner to be with the friend?

 

Or.. where you are in a relationship, meet someone new, sparks fly, and you leave your relationship to start a new one with the person you've met.

 

What do you think about the person who leaves their relationship in those circumstances?

 

Is it related to or akin to infidelity?

 

Is it just as bad?

 

Is it different, but still wrong?

 

Why?

 

 

I have a friend currently pursuing a girl who is taken who believes that this happens all the time (which I realise it does) and that there's nothing really wrong with it.

 

I disagree, but I wonder if my own personally experiences cause me to be biased about this.

I think pursuing someone in a relationship is terrible but other than that, sometimes people click or a relationship beings to fade and someone finds someone knew, in that case it's appropriate and right to break up first before moving on to a new person.

This happens all the time? I've only known of one time, and it happened because of me but I did not know it at the time.

 

Without the physical cheating, I'd say it's personal choice what you want more. Could be a good choice, could be a bad one, but it's acceptable.

I've known it happen a few times.. and I think it does happen a lot. Maybe I am too hard about it then. I just think you'd have to be pretty cruel to leave someone just because the grass is greener. But maybe that's silly and that's exactly what you are supposed to be doing.

 

I guess I just thought if the relationship isn't working for you - end it. Don't just keep it going until someone else comes along that you can immediately relationship hop to.

 

And if the relationship IS going along.. but someone comes along and dangles a potentially juicier carrot in front of you.. it just seems unfair to leave your current partner.. who has only tried to do the right thing by you.. and was doing the right thing up till then.. in the learch and heart broken.

 

But maybe that's too idealistic a view.

I'm guessing things wouldn't have been right in order for them to jump so fast, at least if marriage is involved. That's an expensive jump. So it might be simply the boost needed to do what they wanted to do anyway.

 

Or they are making a tremendous mistake and will have to live with that choice. But the choice is there, and at least it's being open about it.

I think it's one of those things where "it depends".

 

If the current relationship was already dying, relatively new, or struggleing, then I can't blame someone for leaving with someone who they "just click with". I mean, if you met someone who opened your eyes and yet you had the integrity to not cheat on your partner, what exactly are you supposed to do? Stay with someone how you're settling with? Break up but not date someone who could be your soulmate?

 

But, you can't "just click" with someone without some degree of emotional cheating. There is no love at first sight. There is some sort of friendship/relationship already with that person that led to real feelings.

 

I left a boyfriend (of one month) to date someone else (we dated for over two years). Do the ends justify the means? Because the person I left for and I lasted and had a "real" relationship, does that justify my leaving a relationship to be with him, even without any cheating?

 

On the other hand, that same boyfriend left me for another woman without any physical cheating. It hurt like hell, but I can't blame him.

 

For me, that's the sort of sticky situation where I think it's all on a case-by-case basis.

my ex wife left me without physically cheating with other guy. She met him in a ballroom dance class and develop a relationship. She ask for divorce and it hurt like hell.

No, you are right. It depends on the situation.

 

I think where it bothers me is where the original couple have been together for a long time and supposedly love each other. I find it really hard to reconcile the notion of loving someone (warts and all) with the idea of leaving them .. under any situation where they have done nothing wrong to you.

 

When my H and I were dating there was an issue which propped up. For a while I didn't know if we would resolve it. Actually it's the issue that first bought me to ENA. But at the time I didn't know if we would get past it and if we couldn't get past it, I thought I wouldnt be able to continue the relationship. It was a really big issue at the time. So I was sitting there with all these doubts and worrying about it.. when this friend (interestingly enough, the same friend who is now chasing the other taken girl) .. made it pretty clear to me that he was interested in a relationship with me and if I broke up with my H (bf at the time) he'd be there.

 

If this friend had asked me out first, I would have gone out with him. There was even a time many years ago where I had a crush on this friend. He wasnt a friend then.. and by the time we became friends the crush wasn't there.

 

But when he said that to me (and it really took me by surprise because our interactions had been purely friendship based, and often in the company of my H (then bf).. it just really brought home.. that no matter what my issues with my H (then bf) were.. it just wasnt within me to leave him because it would break his heart and I just couldnt live with that. I couldnt be happy knowing I'd done that.

 

[in the result I stopped meeting up with the friend, told H (felt I had to) what had occurred.. and now we just catch up over the occasional email. Which sucked because I lost a friend.]

 

Anyway so I just cannot understand how you can love someone and leave them - when they haven't done anything to you (like cheat, abuse, cripple you financially etc). I just can't. It seems so wrong.

 

But maybe that's silly and it's just not a fair way to think/feel. I don't know.

my ex wife left me without physically cheating with other guy. She met him in a ballroom dance class and develop a relationship. She ask for divorce and it hurt like hell.

 

That's awful eonsunshine.

I loved my ex and left him and there wasn't even another person involved. Would have been a helluva lot easier if there had been I think, because he has to reconcile the fact that I left him because of him.

Yeah.. that's true. At least in that (leaving for someone else) situation the dumpee has a right to feel somewhat hard done by and angry about it.

My loving ex left me for another woman-his long lost ex, and it happens in a week since she initiated the contact. They haven't talked to each other for two years and one phone call from her destroyed all the love for a year. Guess how much it hurts for me? I hate them and don't think I'll forgive them ever. I'm trying hard to forget and treat him as if he's dead. Personally I wouldn't do it. Even if I begin to fall out of love and there is another man interested in me I'll gently wane off instead hurting the man who loves me. I'll tell him friendly lies like I fall out of love, instead of telling him this other man.

Wow Thornbirds18.. that's awful

 

That must have been truly devastating. Something like that would have taken me a long time to recover from.. just because it's so out of the blue. You'd wonder if anything was dependable.

 

Perhaps the other thing is, I've never experienced the sensation of falling out of love just because time has passed. And i've never experienced feeling bored with a relationship. Perhaps if I had, I'd understand it better.

If someone wanted to ditch his current partner to head straight for me, I'd consider him emotionally unstable and disloyal, basically.

 

Think about it--if someone would set up an 'on deck' person while their lover still holds faith in their commitment, then what level of dissatisfaction would they secretly need to hit before doing the same to the new person?

 

A relationship with someone like that would be hell on earth, and I'd pass. Easily.

I agree with catfeeder. I don't think it's healthy for anyone to leave a long-term relationship just to jump into another relationship right away with someone else. Even if you meet someone you "click" with, how can the feelings for the current partner just disappear so quickly? They can't, unless they were never real to begin with. So essentially, that person is either someone that cannot be alone or they're heading into a rebound relationship, most of which never work out. I couldn't personally be with someone like that because if the feelings for the current partner can be "turned off" so easily, I'd always be wondering when it was going to happen to me.

1) I think most people who fall in love with someone else while in a long-term relationship were unhappy or not 100% into the relationship before the new person came along -- I don't think if you are truly in love that you can fall for someone else. (Notice I'm saying "in love" rather than "loving someone" -- there is a difference.)

 

2) If you develop feelings for someone else while in a LTR, I think you should immediately go to your partner and talk to them. Before you speak to the person you're fallen for, in my opinion. If you only admitted your feelings when they told you how they felt, you should still go straight to your partner but tell them the whole thing. The longer you keep your partner in the dark, the harder it is on both of you.

 

3) If you actually want to get over those feelings for the new person and work on your relationship with your partner, I think it would be a good idea to seek professional couples counseling after performing step 2. Leaving them in the dark about your feelings just puts more stress on a relationship and builds walls between you and your partner. It also denies both of you the opportunity to try to figure out and resolve what went wrong in the relationship that led to seeing other pastures as greener than your own. If you take the relationship seriously enough to want to put work into it, it's foolish to not accept help, and couples counseling can be very helpful. Considering my fondness for Transactional Analysis, I prefer MFTs who are familiar with that model -- most are. (Seriously, "Games People Play" and "Scripts People Live" are two great books. GPP is a bit simplistic, but it's a necessary intro before SPL can be understood.)

 

4) It is always better to leave your partner for someone else than to cheat on your partner with someone else. Generally the second leads to the first anyway.

 

The true root of cheating is lying. Deception. It has no place in a healthy relationship -- honesty is truly the best policy. Even if that truth is not pleasant.

Its not technically cheating... however if I was the new guy, I would question my girlfriends morals, and faithfulness if she left her old boyfriend for me. I think it shows a clear lacking in several departments... honor, commitment, etc.

i agree with rabican - it makes a guy think twice about how much 'maintenance' this girl will be. If I don't give her exactly what she wants, let her win all the time, be a doormat - is she going to start looking for the next guy that will?

I'm glad you guys (orangesoda, Rabican, notquitepsycho, lissy, catfeeder..) think that way.

My loving ex left me for another woman-his long lost ex, and it happens in a week since she initiated the contact. They haven't talked to each other for two years and one phone call from her destroyed all the love for a year. Guess how much it hurts for me? I hate them and don't think I'll forgive them ever. I'm trying hard to forget and treat him as if he's dead. Personally I wouldn't do it. Even if I begin to fall out of love and there is another man interested in me I'll gently wane off instead hurting the man who loves me. I'll tell him friendly lies like I fall out of love, instead of telling him this other man.

 

Same thing happened to me.

It dpends not only on the situation but also on the love & maturity of the persons who are involved. If the person caught in teh love triagle is matured enough & knows that (s)he loves his current partner, the crush or temporary infatuation will fade.

 

If the relationship is suffering a serious or a hard time or when the couple is having a hard time trying to sort some problems out, that could mean very bad news.

 

If one has tried to find a way to solve or compromise to the other partner & it is not working, then the chances are high that (s)he will go to the new guy/gal. In this case, then i don't blame him/her for that. The relationship was in a deadlock & would have to end sooner or later.

 

All in all, love is a very fragile thing & should not be taken for granted. One moment it is very strongly there... the next moment, it might be gone forever.

How often do these relationships work? I have had my gf leave me for someone else just out of nowhere. Together 5.5 yrs. We did have our arguments. But we were by no means in any sort of turmoil. Things were fairly smooth. When she left she used lame excuse of fights that we had years ago. Basically she convinced herself (or the other person did) that she had a bad relationship Talking about soulmates and such, as she called me when wefirst started to date. She had a hard time leaving. She said she love me kissed me hugged me. But never really came out with the truth. This was a mere month ago. We are not young she is 38 yrs old. Just a very strange occurrence

What do you think of a man/woman who leaves their gf/bf/husband/wife for another man/woman WITHOUT physically cheating first.

Often they are nothing more than forward thinking cheaters that are capable of exhibiting some physical self-control. Their character is the same, given that they made a choice to engage in (and more than often even secure) an emotional affair while in a committed relationship. Instead of choosing to communicate, identify, and address the cause of this issue with their partner, they instead choose to bail for what they prospect as a new, shiney, exciting "sure thing". So while they may not be as self-destructive and as thoughtless as physical cheaters (by greatly sabotaging the odds of a lasting relationship with the new person by physically demonstrating first hand their ability to be disloyal and deceitful), they still are cheaters none the less.

 

However sometimes there is no actual emotional affair. I suppose in that case then they bailed due to some kind of superficial attraction meaning they were either too confused, shallow, or cowardly to break up with their current partner until something else they were actually interested in pursuing came along - meaning they had already pretty much given up on the relationship and were actively seeking a replacement (even if it was only mentally). If they were aware of it themselves or simply confused but not being honest with their partner about it, then I suppose you could say they were cruel and selfish enough to string them along and pretend everything is fine without even filming the footage to submit for an oscar nomination. And of course it is always possible that the partner they left behind was actually a really poor one who gave up, wasn't trying, or even abusive or deceitful themselves and the relationship was going to fall apart anyway. Still a shameful way to go though, not having the character to be willing to stand up for yourself on your own two feet and leave them in spite of "OH MY GAWD" being *cringe* SINGLE "GASP!" for awhile.

 

What do you think about the person who leaves their relationship in those circumstances?

I think they have poor character and thus those that do not have poor character (and would never do this to their partners because they have good boundaries and strong self-esteem) are better off without them.

 

Is it related to or akin to infidelity?

Yes, I think in most cases it is emotional infidelity. Sometimes it could just be GIGS and/or immaturity though.

 

Is it just as bad?

Yes, I think so. While the physical act of cheating is extremely painful for the betrayed partner to think about - ultimately it is the betrayal of the love and trust that was shared that I believe will always hurt the most.

 

Is it different, but still wrong?

Abusing somebody you once loved emotionally is different from abusing a person you once loved physically, but they are both still abuse (and therefore wrong).

 

Why?

Because it more than likely involved some level of deceit on the behalf of the dumper - assuming it wasn't just GIGS and/or immaturity. Then it is just being shallow/young/inexperienced/confused/ignorant/whatever.

 

 

Why? I have a friend currently pursuing a girl who is taken who believes that this happens all the time (which I realise it does) and that there's nothing reallywrong with it.

I had an old friend who still does this too, yet he wonders why they never work out for him. Hopefully your friend isn't as thick-skulled or immoral as mine, and he will get burned once by such a dishonorable pursuit and never engage in one again. The wayward partners that fall for this crap have their own set of issues that unaddressed will manifest into more problems down the line anyway making history likely to repeat itself.

 

I disagree, but I wonder if my own personally experiences cause me to be biased about this.

I am definitely biased from my own personal experiences as well. However, I think it just boils down to a matter of one's personal set of ethics.

on0s1111----agree with everything you said.

I personally don't think people who leave their partners because they fell in love with someone else should be judged. If they had enough respect for their partner to end the relationship first before getting into another relationship that's way better than cheating. Yes their partners will be very hurt. There is no way to avoid this but they should not be judged as cruel people. Most likely they had difficulty with this decision themselves and struggled with their own emotions.

 

The truth is you can control actions but you cannot control your emotions. You can't help the way you feel. If you fall in love with someone else or develop a crush on someone else while you're in a relationship, believe it or not, it happened to you. You didn't choose for it to happen. If you like or love someone else there is nothing you can do about it. What you choose to do with those feelings is entirely up to you. But if those feelings are so extremely powerful it's understandable that people will give into them and follow their hearts. You cannot sacrifice your own happiness to avoid breaking someone else's heart unless you truly can save your relationship but if your heart is not in it what are you going to do?

 

My current relationship with my boyfriend is in trouble. We have been together for 11 years. He has been unemployed for about 3 years and it's been a burden on me financially. Probably because of this problem my mind has wandered, I have a crush on someone else, which I probably should not pursue but the fantasy has been occupying my mind constantly. I fight with my own mind and emotions daily asking why do I feel this way? Why am I not feeling so in love with my partner like I used to. How can I make myself fall in love with him again? Will I miraculously fall in love with him again when he finally finds a job? What if I don't. Yes, he's a very nice guy. He hasn't done anything other than lose his job a few years ago and have trouble finding employment. Believe me if I could get a brain transplant or take a pill to change my feelings I would do it because it would make my life easier but that isn't an option and I truly can't help the way I feel. So please don't judge people who fall out of love and in love with someone else. It's a harsh fact of life but it happens. In the meantime my boyfriend and I are sticking it out a little longer to see if our relationship can be saved but it's not guaranteed. And I may not even pursue the crush after we've broken up if it comes to that. I may have to live with the consequences of reacting to my own emotions which I did not choose to feel. Becoming single and starting over. Does it make me a bad person???