Was it the alcohol talking, or what?

[DMRB]

I've been reading on this site for awhile now, and am finally ready to post my relationship issues in hopes of receiving some good advice.

Me and my boyfriend have a good relationship. We have a lot in common, but our main difference that causes us to fight sometimes is that I'm very optimistic, and he is very pessimistic.

I'm 20 years old, i have a good office job with regular dayshift hours and make decent money, more than my boyfriend...He works at a job he hates, they treat him unfairly, he has random hours that are mostly evenings, and he is trying to get his degree, but can't stay focused since he is so broke and needed to take on more hours at work, so he now has dropped out of school (again) and is going back in the fall. (He is 25 years old)

He really is a smart, talented, and responsible guy, but there is NO telling him that, he gets very upset and tells me that I just say that because I'm his girlfriend. That's just one example of how negative he is.

The problem herein lies with what happened last night. He got drunk before I went to his house. He's been drinking a lot lately since he hates his job so much. He first started talking about how we're so different and he doesn't think he could ever live with me (we live about 45 mins from eachother with our parents) and that he really cares about me but doesn't like to say 'i love you' because it loses meaning (yet he says it every time we hang up the phone and when we're going home) and of course this upset me. I didn't take it too seriously though, knowing he was drunk. Later on we were having sex, and out of nowhere (while we're doing it) he says, "i think we should move in together"...Soo confusing.

So we stopped and talked and he had all these ideas about how he screwed up his life the past couple of months and all these other negative things and he even cried. Then he starts talking about the 'i love you' thing again and me being dependent on him - which i was b/c it was hard for me when he moved back to his parents and we can now only see eachother once a week - but i told him i was working on it. And again i was upset, but i knew he was drunk...

...and again we start having sex...and he starts talking AGAIN - and telling me he loves me and asking me to never leave him, and he needs me and he can't move out on his own without me (not only financially, but he said he needs me there for support and motivation...)

So we stop and talk again. This happened like 5 times last night. I know he was drunk, but I just don't know what to make of it all. This is a bottled-up guy that I can't ever get to open up, and now he throws all this stuff at me at once. I love this guy so much and I know he loves me. He's been having a rough time with figuring out his life - He's going through that quarter-life crisis. I mean, i've learned that when he's drunk, he tries to make all kinds of important decisions and won't calm down until he figures things out. So I know I shouldn't take this too seriously, because even though I called him an hour ago and told him to call me tonight and talk about everything, I know he probably won't want to talk at all...But should I be thinking about anything that he said when he was drunk? The whole insinuating that we don't have a future together - then saying he needs me and wants to live together - or him saying he cares about me but doesn't understand love then turns around and tells me he loves me???

[Blue Skittles]

Ok - PLEASE do not move in with this guy - It sounds like trouble. ONe thing - the alcohol. Secondly - if he is having enough trouble supporting himself right now and is constantly drinking, you WILL end up supporting him financially if you move in together.

The thing is I've been in this situation with an alcoholic guy, for 2 years of my life, and I would have been talking the exact same way you are, that I loved him and all this, but he used me for 2 years, getting as much money and stuff off me as he could, and I was completely blind to this, I didn't even notice. So its my advice to you to for the least part don't move in with him until you KNOW if his alcohol/job situation is under control or not. Cuz if its not under control, you're just gonna get trouble...

[AwdreeHpburn]

DMRB - glad you posted. Welcome.

can I be brutally honest with you? I mean this with the best of intentions.

Alcohol and/or substance abuse of any kind does not mix well with relationships. He may be in a slump and having a hard time right now. We all do. The drinking will only compound his pessimism and things will get worse before they get better.

I'm not saying he's an alcoholic but if he's using alcohol to "help" him thru this, he's got issues. He may need to hit a bottom before he realizes he's got no way to go but back up and things can turn around for him.

It may be ultimatum time. From what you say, he sounds like a smart guy. Time for him to pull it together.

But that's just my two cents. Take it for what its worth.

[DMRB]

He is a smart guy - not an alcoholic, just really down - not to stick up for him or anything. I would never be with an alcoholic!! Never. I can understand how hard things are for him, I'm just wondering about his conversations and if any of it might have been some emotional releases since he never expresses any kind of intense emotions like last night. ...I didn't mean to make it sound like he's an alcoholic, he's been drunk maybe 3 or 4 times in the whole year that we've been together. ...and it doesn't take much to get him drunk, he drank a bottle of wine last night that was it.

[kellbell]

Hi there and Welcome!

Ok...my take on this...

"Me and my boyfriend have a good relationship."

Are you sure about this? It sounds like your relationship is extremely volite and lacks communication. Any relationship that lacks communuication is not a good one.

"He works at a job he hates, they treat him unfairly, he has random hours that are mostly evenings, and he is trying to get his degree, but can't stay focused since he is so broke and needed to take on more hours at work, so he now has dropped out of school (again) and is going back in the fall. (He is 25 years old)."

I see some big red flags here. First, he complains how he hates his job and does not do anything about it. He dropped out of school twice. This a guy whom cannot take on any kind of responsibility for his life, nor take charge of his happiness. And only he can do that. Is this what you envisioned as a possible partner? A person whom whines and complains about his job and can't finish what he started?

"He really is a smart, talented, and responsible guy, but there is NO telling him that, he gets very upset and tells me that I just say that because I'm his girlfriend. That's just one example of how negative he is."

True, we are all smart and talented in some way....but it is not smart to waste it.. and that is what he is doing. He is feeling sorry for himself.

And all this stuff about his drinking. Red flag. That is how he copes. Instead of taking life by the horns, he drowns himself in a bottle. Is this what you want? And no, alcohol is NOT a truth serum. If it was, they would serve alcohol to criminals during an interrogation or before a person testifies in a court of law. You cannot take what a person says to heart while they are under the influence of a drug.

You are trying to take on his problems and are making excuses for him. Not good at all. I would take a hard look at your relationship and figure out if this is what you want to deal with. The only way this is going to get better is if your BF takes charge of his life and makes things happen on his own. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink. And from the sound of your post, he is no where near taking responsibilty for his life let alone your relationship. I would do a lot of self reflection and figure out what to do. Take care and wishing you all the best.

[Dako]

It would help if he knew what he wants. Right now he seems to be confused. I'd give him room to grow.

[AwdreeHpburn]

OK - so he's not an alcoholic. That's great. He's just down. Even better.

To address the specific issue you asked about, I think its very common for people who bottle, as you said, to use sex and or alcohol as a good time to release or unload. I'm quite sure he actually meant what he said and it was not "just" the alcohol talking.

[Dako]

I think he may be telling you the truth.
My wife and I used to split a bottle of wine to discuss problems, and it made it easier to be open with each other. I think inhibitions are lowered and sincerity takes hold, as long as you aren't wearing lampshades or howling.

[AwdreeHpburn]

lol! But that can be fun too...

[Shadows Light]

My filters go up when I hear.. "I need you emotionally and for motivation"
ok... so to be supportive of each other, can't you stay where you are at.. and he can be emotionally supported and motivated from where he is at????

Right now, financially, the best place for the both of you to be is with your parents. Until you can hit the ground running and find a place to take root. Moving in together would compound to your/his issues right now.

I think he needs room to grow a little more. And to be able to do it on his own. Knowing he can make it on his own. I think if you become his "anchor" eventually he'll grow to resent you... because he's man enough to find his way.

Leave things as they are. Don't make any big commitments right now, such as shackinig up together. He needs to find a job he LIKES and to look for his own brand of happiness.