Was it the alcohol talking, or what?

I've been reading on this site for awhile now, and am finally ready to post my relationship issues in hopes of receiving some good advice.

Me and my boyfriend have a good relationship. We have a lot in common, but our main difference that causes us to fight sometimes is that I'm very optimistic, and he is very pessimistic.

I'm 20 years old, i have a good office job with regular dayshift hours and make decent money, more than my boyfriend...He works at a job he hates, they treat him unfairly, he has random hours that are mostly evenings, and he is trying to get his degree, but can't stay focused since he is so broke and needed to take on more hours at work, so he now has dropped out of school (again) and is going back in the fall. (He is 25 years old)

He really is a smart, talented, and responsible guy, but there is NO telling him that, he gets very upset and tells me that I just say that because I'm his girlfriend. That's just one example of how negative he is.

The problem herein lies with what happened last night. He got drunk before I went to his house. He's been drinking a lot lately since he hates his job so much. He first started talking about how we're so different and he doesn't think he could ever live with me (we live about 45 mins from eachother with our parents) and that he really cares about me but doesn't like to say 'i love you' because it loses meaning (yet he says it every time we hang up the phone and when we're going home) and of course this upset me. I didn't take it too seriously though, knowing he was drunk. Later on we were having sex, and out of nowhere (while we're doing it) he says, "i think we should move in together"...Soo confusing.

So we stopped and talked and he had all these ideas about how he screwed up his life the past couple of months and all these other negative things and he even cried. Then he starts talking about the 'i love you' thing again and me being dependent on him - which i was b/c it was hard for me when he moved back to his parents and we can now only see eachother once a week - but i told him i was working on it. And again i was upset, but i knew he was drunk...

...and again we start having sex...and he starts talking AGAIN - and telling me he loves me and asking me to never leave him, and he needs me and he can't move out on his own without me (not only financially, but he said he needs me there for support and motivation...)

So we stop and talk again. This happened like 5 times last night. I know he was drunk, but I just don't know what to make of it all. This is a bottled-up guy that I can't ever get to open up, and now he throws all this stuff at me at once. I love this guy so much and I know he loves me. He's been having a rough time with figuring out his life - He's going through that quarter-life crisis. I mean, i've learned that when he's drunk, he tries to make all kinds of important decisions and won't calm down until he figures things out. So I know I shouldn't take this too seriously, because even though I called him an hour ago and told him to call me tonight and talk about everything, I know he probably won't want to talk at all...But should I be thinking about anything that he said when he was drunk? The whole insinuating that we don't have a future together - then saying he needs me and wants to live together - or him saying he cares about me but doesn't understand love then turns around and tells me he loves me???

Ok - PLEASE do not move in with this guy - It sounds like trouble. ONe thing - the alcohol. Secondly - if he is having enough trouble supporting himself right now and is constantly drinking, you WILL end up supporting him financially if you move in together.

The thing is I've been in this situation with an alcoholic guy, for 2 years of my life, and I would have been talking the exact same way you are, that I loved him and all this, but he used me for 2 years, getting as much money and stuff off me as he could, and I was completely blind to this, I didn't even notice. So its my advice to you to for the least part don't move in with him until you KNOW if his alcohol/job situation is under control or not. Cuz if its not under control, you're just gonna get trouble...

DMRB - glad you posted. Welcome.

can I be brutally honest with you? I mean this with the best of intentions.

Alcohol and/or substance abuse of any kind does not mix well with relationships. He may be in a slump and having a hard time right now. We all do. The drinking will only compound his pessimism and things will get worse before they get better.

I'm not saying he's an alcoholic but if he's using alcohol to "help" him thru this, he's got issues. He may need to hit a bottom before he realizes he's got no way to go but back up and things can turn around for him.

It may be ultimatum time. From what you say, he sounds like a smart guy. Time for him to pull it together.

But that's just my two cents. Take it for what its worth.

He is a smart guy - not an alcoholic, just really down - not to stick up for him or anything. I would never be with an alcoholic!! Never. I can understand how hard things are for him, I'm just wondering about his conversations and if any of it might have been some emotional releases since he never expresses any kind of intense emotions like last night. ...I didn't mean to make it sound like he's an alcoholic, he's been drunk maybe 3 or 4 times in the whole year that we've been together. ...and it doesn't take much to get him drunk, he drank a bottle of wine last night that was it.

Hi there and Welcome!

Ok...my take on this...

"Me and my boyfriend have a good relationship."

Are you sure about this? It sounds like your relationship is extremely volite and lacks communication. Any relationship that lacks communuication is not a good one.

"He works at a job he hates, they treat him unfairly, he has random hours that are mostly evenings, and he is trying to get his degree, but can't stay focused since he is so broke and needed to take on more hours at work, so he now has dropped out of school (again) and is going back in the fall. (He is 25 years old)."

I see some big red flags here. First, he complains how he hates his job and does not do anything about it. He dropped out of school twice. This a guy whom cannot take on any kind of responsibility for his life, nor take charge of his happiness. And only he can do that. Is this what you envisioned as a possible partner? A person whom whines and complains about his job and can't finish what he started?

"He really is a smart, talented, and responsible guy, but there is NO telling him that, he gets very upset and tells me that I just say that because I'm his girlfriend. That's just one example of how negative he is."

True, we are all smart and talented in some way....but it is not smart to waste it.. and that is what he is doing. He is feeling sorry for himself.

And all this stuff about his drinking. Red flag. That is how he copes. Instead of taking life by the horns, he drowns himself in a bottle. Is this what you want? And no, alcohol is NOT a truth serum. If it was, they would serve alcohol to criminals during an interrogation or before a person testifies in a court of law. You cannot take what a person says to heart while they are under the influence of a drug.

You are trying to take on his problems and are making excuses for him. Not good at all. I would take a hard look at your relationship and figure out if this is what you want to deal with. The only way this is going to get better is if your BF takes charge of his life and makes things happen on his own. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink. And from the sound of your post, he is no where near taking responsibilty for his life let alone your relationship. I would do a lot of self reflection and figure out what to do. Take care and wishing you all the best.

It would help if he knew what he wants. Right now he seems to be confused. I'd give him room to grow.

OK - so he's not an alcoholic. That's great. He's just down. Even better.

To address the specific issue you asked about, I think its very common for people who bottle, as you said, to use sex and or alcohol as a good time to release or unload. I'm quite sure he actually meant what he said and it was not "just" the alcohol talking.

I think he may be telling you the truth.

My wife and I used to split a bottle of wine to discuss problems, and it made it easier to be open with each other. I think inhibitions are lowered and sincerity takes hold, as long as you aren't wearing lampshades or howling.

lol! But that can be fun too...

My filters go up when I hear.. "I need you emotionally and for motivation"

ok... so to be supportive of each other, can't you stay where you are at.. and he can be emotionally supported and motivated from where he is at????

Right now, financially, the best place for the both of you to be is with your parents. Until you can hit the ground running and find a place to take root. Moving in together would compound to your/his issues right now.

I think he needs room to grow a little more. And to be able to do it on his own. Knowing he can make it on his own. I think if you become his "anchor" eventually he'll grow to resent you... because he's man enough to find his way.

Leave things as they are. Don't make any big commitments right now, such as shackinig up together. He needs to find a job he LIKES and to look for his own brand of happiness.

Unfortunatelly I have to say that I agree with all these things people wrote to you.

Always, I say always, by all means, try to avoid people who complain about their lifes - it's not a healty habit, and it says a lot about their caracters. These people try to control other people by drawing attention on themselfs.

Negative toughts are very easily transmited and they can distroy your positive outlook on life and make things apear worse than they are. And when you are with someone positive it can help you being more positive.

He's not having big broblems - he just hates his job! Many people in this world are currently working on a job that doesn't interests them. It's reality and we are not living in a fairy tail. The only thing you can do is to try to get a better one and working on improving your skills. So, what is he doing? Complaining and drinking!

He doesn't have money? It's not a huge problem - I live in a country where we all don't have enough money - and I hate hearing people complaining about it. If you don't have enough money talking about it woan't help you.

He says people are treating him badly on his job.. Yeah right, like you are having fun on yours?

I noticed one very nice thing about you while reading your thread - You are not a negative person. You said you have nice job...and everything.

It's not nice of him to complain to you ... Does he asks you are you happy, whats going on in your life, is your job awfull, what are your dreams?

And you said something that reminded me of my ex: that he's smart, ineligent, not lasy...yes, I bet he's intelligent, based on IQ, but what about emotional IQ? It's very easy to make a wrong asumption about someone: if they are sharing their heavy toughts with you, depressive views on life, talking about world problems, knowing a lot in general, always thinking about something serious....you might start thinking that they are really, really smart.

Yes, they are, but only thing they actually do is complaining, thinking and talking.....But in my opinion life is something different - having kids, credits, family problems....and imagine having all that with a negative person who complains... than you are all alone in this mess.

Ask yourself if your life is soooo much better than his life is? I've asked myself that while I was with my ex and I realised that we were in the same s..t but I WAS POSITIVE ABOUT IT, and he was bringing me down.

he needs me and he can't move out on his own without me (not only financially, but he said he needs me there for support and motivation...)

Wow -- you obviously support and motivate yourself -- why should you be expected to do that for another adult, too? It's one thing if you're referring to doing this at the time of an unusual event (death or tragedy) but on an on-going basis this will suck the life right out of you. This is what you do for children, until they grow up and figure out to do for themselves.

I feel your pain, I know your pain, I fell for a guy just like this! Still married to him. It's not pretty. I say: Run away! Run away!

Nothing crushes intimacy like one person being all needy and clingy and conflicted. What you have here is a child, unwilling to grow up.

I'm sorry to say I laughed right out loud when I read about him moving back home with his parents. Many, many people at age 25 may be in school but are still able to support themselves, at least to an extent they can be a roommate somewhere. When my spouse and I discussed a possible separation, he already had planned "moving back home". So our home was not "home", his parents house is "home". A very telling comment. Most adults would not dream of moving back with parents unless very dire situation or they wanted to be taken care of again.

He's confused about becoming an adult. A man. Arranging to not complete the college education is very telling. You have to be committed to graduate, but if he does, everyone will expect so much of him! So he will put that off as long as possible.

He's using you. Know that he may not even realize it. He thinks if he piggy-backs onto your strength, your independence, your positive outlook, you will "cure" him, you will "fix" him. Using your strengths, he thinks he can then become the man he is resisting becoming. Trust me -- this will NEVER happen. If he is like this at age 25, he will be like this at age 35, and 45.

He may very well be highly intelligent ("smart" you say) but that is really not the point here at all.

My final comment, never, ever have a serious relationship conversation when one or both of you are drinking. It will only bring misery.

He will ALWAYS be "confused". That's his refusal to grow up and be an adult that is so confusing to him and to you. This is a manipulative ploy they use to protect themselves.

And if at age 25 he hates his job and is unable to make that change, that would apparently be so meaningful to him, what makes you think he'll be able to handle this type of stuff when you are married with children and you are really depending on him? He will still * * * * * and moan, but won't actually DO, he won't actually ACT.

Here's when you SHOULD move in together -- he is happily employed and the drinking has dropped to a more reasonable, social amount. He is able to fully support himself. He has completed -- no excuses -- his college education. When you see living proof, over an extended period of time, that this guy is an adult, you will be very attracted to him and he won't be able to keep you away.

Why take on all these problems?

Absolutely great post! Bit scary, though. There's signs there that I (51) and my wife (42) may still not have totally grown up. Having said that, how many of us REALLY, REALLY do. I'm sure one day, I'll be lying on my deathbed, bemoaning the fact that I never really managed to work it all out before I went.

Have to admit that both my wife and I are a bit too co-dependent, although not as bas as we were. We both feel "victims of circumstance" rather than adults in control of what's going on. We are both inclined to avoid discussing anything that has provoked strong disagreements with each other in the past.

Scariest thing of all is I see so much of this in other people as well!

AGREE With Momene... GREAT POST LUNABELLE!!!

Absolutely great post! Bit scary, though. There's signs there that I (51) and my wife (42) may still not have totally grown up. Having said that, how many of us REALLY, REALLY do. I'm sure one day, I'll be lying on my deathbed, bemoaning the fact that I never really managed to work it all out before I went.

 

Have to admit that both my wife and I are a bit too co-dependent, although not as bas as we were. We both feel "victims of circumstance" rather than adults in control of what's going on. We are both inclined to avoid discussing anything that has provoked strong disagreements with each other in the past.

 

Scariest thing of all is I see so much of this in other people as well!

There you go. Codependent. That is the word I was looking for. I'm reading a book called..."Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie... and POSTER.. it sounds like this may apply to you as well. You are looking to SAVE HIM. To Rescue him. And HE in turn is looking to be rescued.. saved... looking for someone to put him on track and be the cruise director.

From personal experience, I'll tell you.. you gotta pull back and stop yourself from doing it. SHORT TERM.. you'll feel like you are doing a LOVING thing by helping him. You'll feel great about yourself for being so kind, giving, his knightess in shining armor. BUT... the more you do it.. and the deeper you get into it. YOU will resent it later. You will find yourself thinking... "I have no more to give, when do I get???" you'll find the scales tipped and feel used. And he.. unconsciencely will by into it. And take take take.. cause he hasn't learned to step up to the plate. YEP.. its his fault for NOT stepping up to bat. But your fault for maiming him and not allowing him to grow on his own. The KINDEST BEST MOST LOVING thing you can do for him.... let him figure it out on his own. Let him be responsible for himself.

I was married for 15 years.. and now I am out. It was a PAINFUL learning on both of our parts. Well at least on mine... I've learned my part in the play.. he's still cycling on the hamster loop.. spinning his wheels.