He hates that i'm on a relationship advice forum

[SherriLi]

Hey all,

 

I found a (not this one) relationship forum back in august 2006. I never told him about it for a long time. I was terrified of him finding out about it back then. I was using it for advice for our problems.

 

We broke up, he moved and we got back together and LDRed it for a while. I had alot more free time at work and at home with him being gone. So i spent alot of time on this site. I met some amazing people and made some friends. I loved spending time there!

 

Then he decided that he wanted to come back home. I was super happy, then i realized that i couldn't go on to my site at home anymore. I told a friend on the site that he was coming home. He's helped me in great detail with my relationship with my bf. He's ALWAYS been there for me, even if i don't take some of his advice. Super great person. Anyway, when i told him that my bf was coming home, and also that i couldn't be on at night anymore, he was sad, and told me to get him out of the house everynow and then so i could hang out on the forum at night every now and then. Then we came up with the idea of me creating a new user name.

 

So i created a new user name and left my old one behind.... And told my bf about the site I was sad to leave my username behind because i couldn't tell alot of the people that i'd come to know and that have come to know me, out of fear of someone slipping and him finding all my old posts.

 

Well....... when i told him about it and showed him my user name, he flipped! He was sooo jealous of me "chatting" as he called it with other people. It was so bad that he was actually monitoring my posts, the temp internet files showed me that some days he'd be a home scanning the whole site watching to see what i'd post while i'm at work.

 

He went so far as to post on there, wondering of he should worry about be being on there. He even verbally attacked a friend. Ugh. I know i was stupid and naive to think that he'd be ok with it.

 

We fought alot about it. I said i'd stop posting, and i did for a week. Then he would say it was ok. Then blow up on me... it went on and on. I'd only post at home when he wasn't there or asleep. I thought he was ok with it after a while, he was even posting on there.... Then the other night he woke up and started in on me because of it. I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems that every thing is a battle with him.

 

I so badly want to post on that site about my relationship problems, but i'm scared to.... He gives me about not posting about our problems.. But he's actually left subtle hints in his posts that i'm his girlfriend on there. He wants me to include that i'm "taken" in every post i make, so no guy on there gets the wrong idea! If i do post about our problems, i'm scared that it'll cause more between us.

 

Do you think that it will cause more fights if i post on there about our problems?

[Siriana]

I think he's not a bf for you.

[TheFoglifter]

There are some that would consider forum posting a form of emotional cheating, or breach of trust.

 

Another forum I was on had a long sticky thread about NOT using a familiar username. If your forum ID is also your AOL, your myspace, your MSN, and your nickname, then expect to be found out.

[Balbina]

You were stupid and naive to think he'd be ok with it??

 

No, no, no...you're entitled to gather personal support where you like. You did nothing wrong. If anything, I would be pissed at HIM...scanning the site to see all your posts? spending the day looking? starting fights with people who have nothing to do with him? Your online account has nothing to do with him and he is disrespecting your privacy and crossing WAY too many lines.

 

Trust me, coming from a person who had my ex do the EXACT same thing, along with making posts telling all on here I was a *** or something of the sort (it was deleted and banned by the time I got on here) when he was really ticked off, get rid of him. He doesn't trust you and that isn't your issue - its HIS.

[JadedStar]

I would much rather my partner come to a place like this for help where no one knows us vs confiding our problems into a close female friend. The former I do not consider betrayal, the latter I would and would be very hurt.

 

This is why you have to be open and honest because everyone has a different feel on what is betrayal and what isn't. If a couple has differing opinions on what is betrayal and what is not then they MUST talk this thru and come to a consensus and a compromise. If compromise is not able to be reached, the relationship will always experience doom.

 

My husband knows I come here to these sites. Mostly to help vs ask for advice because he knows Psych is my hobby. We have talked about this a lot and we both agreed that getting relationship advice from a neutral panel of people who want to advise is preferable then either of us going to a close friend of the opposite sex who knows us both.

 

If he went to a guy friend i would feel less weird about it, but I don't like people I have to see the next day knowing the intimate details of a problem we had. Makes me feel funny. I don't care that he needs advice sometimes, i just care when I have to face that person later on and thinking "good God what all does he know about my private lfe". I mean you can't help but when you hear private details about a person when you see them next start thinking about it. It is human nature and we all do it. I'd rather not be embarrassed like that.

[TheFoglifter]

... entitled to gather personal support where you like"

 

... God what all does he know about my private lfe"

 

These two sentiments do well to sum up each side of the equation. I feel there is nothing wrong with seeking advice here. I can see someone else feeling that problems are private, and feeling betrayed.

 

Glad I didn't use a usual screen name. Gf would have to stumble accross my posts, and read a lot of them, and even then I try not to reference anything too specific (I usually alter details and dates just in case).

[Scout]

It seems that every thing is a battle with him.

 

If that's truly the case, then your posting on a relationship advice site is only a symptom of a much bigger problem in your relationship.

[Dako]

He doesn't trust you or respect your privacy.

He sounds like a controlling child, and doesn't realize you aren't his property.

[fnlyfrei]

My fiance' knows about this site...and I am not sure if he reads my posts or not...he has asked what kinds of things I have posted here..usually things we have already talked about. I have nothing to hide, and I hope that if he does read my posts, he will learn more about how I think and feel. As far as a betrayal of trust...I guess if someone went to their friends and talked about thier problems in a relationship, that would be the same thing. I think anyone who tried to tell you NOT to tell anyone about how you feel for some outside feedback could be considered very controlling. That would be basically isolating someone completely.

[ghost69]

posting on a forum and chatting with some guy all night is different. i could care less if my chick was on a forum like this. but i do like my relationship's privacy too. but no names are given out or anything. but if she is talking to someone specific (a guy) all night and day, i'd be upset.

[JadedStar]

My fiance' knows about this site...and I am not sure if he reads my posts or not...he has asked what kinds of things I have posted here..usually things we have already talked about. I have nothing to hide, and I hope that if he does read my posts, he will learn more about how I think and feel. As far as a betrayal of trust...I guess if someone went to their friends and talked about thier problems in a relationship, that would be the same thing. I think anyone who tried to tell you NOT to tell anyone about how you feel for some outside feedback could be considered very controlling. That would be basically isolating someone completely.

 

Let me readdress that to say that neither me nor my husband have forbade each other from talking to a close friend about our problems, but we both AGREED that we shared the same concerns with each other going into INTIMATE details with a close friend of the opposite gender just because we both know that it would be uncomfortable for us to face that person later on knowing they know our business. IF we were not both in agreement on that then neither of us would forbade the other from doing it. but that does not mean that if it still happened we might not feel betrayed. A person can't help how they feel.

 

Not to mention that many studies have been conducted and it has been PROVEN that one of the number one ways two people end up in the middle of an affair is when someone was consoling the other over relationship issues or other traumas. There is a bond that can be built that is mistaken for deeper feelings. ONe of the top reasons people have found themselevs in an affair.

[SherriLi]

posting on a forum and chatting with some guy all night is different. i could care less if my chick was on a forum like this. but i do like my relationship's privacy too. but no names are given out or anything. but if she is talking to someone specific (a guy) all night and day, i'd be upset.

 

 

But see, this isn't what i'm doing. I am on a VERY healthy and positive forum like this one. No on is on there looking for romance, they are seeking help with their relationships or dealing with broken hearts. I've told him that it's helping my to grow as a person, and yes, there is one male person on there that i'm friends with. But nothing more. He has a gf and he knows what i'm going through with my bf. There are no romantic feelings involved. It's a support site.

 

He just hates it. He criticizes advice i give on there. He was mad that i posted on a thread that had to with sex. He says he hates it, yet, he posts on there too. Which is ridiculous, it's a healthy site. Our relationship is unhealthy.. If you read my others posts, you'll see what i mean. We are working on it though and things have been getting alot better..

 

Until the past few days. It almost seems like he's ok with it when he's happy and then when he wants something to be mad about he uses that.

 

Happy day----- "So honey are you up to 600 posts yet???" "My hockey is on tonight babe, so you can go on your site if you want"

 

Then when he's generally grouchy or i DON'T even know why some days are like they are....... "Your obsessed with that f*cking site" "You don't even hear anyone while your on there"

 

Two nights ago he fell asleep on the couch and he woke up to me posting. His first words OUT OF THE BLUE ANGRY "Why the f*ck don't you get off that site and come over here and deal with our F8Cking problems instead of helping those people with theirs " We weren't even fighting before he woke up.

 

Keep in mind that i don't ever ever go on there when he's awake. I spend my time with him... Only when he's sleeping *past out* or gone will i go on there because i know it will piss him off.

[SherriLi]

and the funny thing is, last year when we were going through hell, because he was mantianing a friendship with his ex that he cheated on me with...

 

He was talking to HER about our problems, and he sure as hell didn't seem to see a problem with that. He was so freaking blind that he couldn't seee the horrible pain and betrayal i was feeling at the time. He didn't see that up until just 2 months ago. THen he knewthat he could never speak to her again if we were to remain together. Because of the pain he put me through.

 

Also, I've remained very annonymous on this site. He's told people about it! He said that he never gave out my handle, but i don't know if i can believe him. I hate that i've told him about the place... He's also gone to great lengths to hint that i'm his gf on there. I don't think that anyone caught on which is good.

 

No one needs to know that... It just shows his insecurity

[JadedStar]

AFter reading this I don't think it is really the site itself is the issue.

 

Then when he's generally grouchy or i DON'T even know why some days are like they are....... "Your obsessed with that f*cking site" "You don't even hear anyone while your on there"

 

This is an issue separate from just being here alone. I did this sometimes in the past when on the net...if this is true, and he talks to you when you are on the site, or t he PC in general, that is what the problem is. He feels neglected and second to the internet. Really evaluate if there is TRUTH to this before you get defensive. I got defensive with my husband over this once and when i really took off the defensive hat i realized he was right. i DID do that sometimes. When he woke up angry, think for a minute - maybe he fell asleep waiting or hoping you would have come over there to him and didn't, and when he awoke to find you still on the site his feelings were hurt. Sounds more like he is a poor communicator vs a jerk. He needs to learn how to voice his wants instead of throwing a tantrum when they don't work out. I used to do this when i was younger and more immature. He could have just let you know BEFORE he fell asleep that he wanted you to come over and spend time with him. Some people are just LOUSY at communicating what they want and just instead get angry when they failed to do it.

 

The second is the issue of the one on one convos with the male friend. That is a bit different than just being on the site. Maybe he feels nervous that if you are confiding your issues to this man, even tho he has a g/f, feelings could develop. That is not entirely an irrational thought for him to have.

 

I think the problem is just he is feeling nervous about being second to the internet and even moreso that you might turn the heat on with this male friend on line at some point.

 

IT is wrong for us all to call him irrational because these are two very REAL fears that have come to interfere with many couples since the advent of the internet.

[fnlyfrei]

I agree. Telling some man your problems in your existing relationship is asking for trouble. You should find someone who isn't emotionally involved or attracted to you in any way. I also believe though, it is every persons choice to let someone "in"...and if you love the person you are with and want to protect that relationship...you will not allow that to happen. Forum or no, internet or no. If a person is looking for an affair, they will find one, and you cannot blame the net', advice forums, chat rooms, or social sites. You need to blame the actual person. Everyone is capable of the right choice...as well as a wrong one.

I have seen people here blame myspace, chat rooms, dating sites and the "other woman" for their SO's cheating or breaking up with them. If the person really loved you...none of that would be a factor. They let it in. The temptations did not knock at their door and kidnap them.

You just have to trust..and if the other person betrays you, they have made their choice really. You can't keep someone in a bubble, or a cage..or control them. You can say however, I do not appreciate your behavior, and if it doesn't change, I am gone. But sifting through someone's stuff will just make them resentful, lets them know you do not trust them, and you expect the worst from them. When it is understood you expect the best from them, and will not accept any less...that sets the bar higher, instead of lower.

[SherriLi]

But the thing that i don't get is, is that I wasn't on there when he fell asleep. I was sitting with him watching tv. After he fell asleep i was bored and nothing was on so i popped on my site to get support about something other than our relationship. He was still rubbing his eyes when he said that, and everything was fine before he fell asleep.

 

Also, yes i admit that he does have some communication problems and an anger problem at that... It's like he hates it one second and the next it's ok.

 

He doesn't get mad when i'm playing games on the computer and i don't hear him... AND as soon as he woke up i got off the computer and he just kept arguing about our past problems.

 

Also about the one on one convos, i'm sorry. You misunderstood me. We haven't had one on one convo's. Only off topic banter in the off topic section. No flirting or anything. There was many more posters on the threads other than just the two of us. He just can't stand that i joke around with people of the opposite sex on there...

 

He doesn't know that i go to my friend for advice about us. He'd have a coniption, i talk to only him about my relationship problems through pm's and with my old username. It's the only person that knows my whole situation through and through and the only person i can trust that knows i'm now who i was, before i had to change usernames.

 

He asked that i turn off pm's on my user profile and to stay out of the sex advice section. He also decided that my avatar was too "sexy" and made me change it. While it wasn't provocative at all. It was a cartoon picture of an animal!

[JadedStar]

I would never blame a site or the internet, but I am also VERY realistic in knowing that a person is at their most VULNERABLE when going thru a trauma such as a relationship issue. We all know that a VULNERABLE person could potentially make a choice that they may not make when NOT vulnerable. It is this vulnerability that was shown in the studies that led someone into the arms of the other because the vulnearabilty caused them to confuse the compassion from their friend with possibly PASSIOn or feelings of love.

 

IT is just much easier for a vulnerable person to find comfort in the arms of another that is why it is BAD business to confide such intimate details and issues to a close friend of the opposite sex. Normally there may be no temptation at all, but we must be realistic in saying that vulnerable people are more likely to make this mistake than those who are not.

 

Sorry to veer slightly off topic.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

hey just grab some smores and have an intellegent convoersation as to why u frequent theese places

[SherriLi]

There is no emotion involved between and my friend. None what so ever. He's a decent person who just wants to help. There's no affair here.

[SherriLi]

hey just grab some smores and have an intellegent convoersation as to why u frequent theese places

 

We have had MANY discussions about that site. He posted a thread on there asking if he should be concerned that i'm on there. EVERYONE said, leave her alone. She's come here to get help for your relationship and nothing else. If it was a dating site then you have cause for concern. This isn't a dating site... They were all right!

 

I've told him many times why i'm on there, we've spoken in a calm manner. Its ok one minute and the next i'm getting shyte on for being on there.

 

He reads every single post i make. Like i'm about to cheat on him or something.

[JadedStar]

There is no emotion involved between and my friend. None what so ever. He's a decent person who just wants to help. There's no affair here.

 

I don't think anyone implied that you did.....that exchange between us on that topic was hypothetically speaking and not really about anyone in particular. I started that convo to just kind of illustrate WHY your b/f might feel jumpy about that sort of thing but not that that sort of thing is occurring.

[SherriLi]

I don't think anyone implied that you did.....that exchange between us on that topic was hypothetically speaking and not really about anyone in particular. I started that convo to just kind of illustrate WHY your b/f might feel jumpy about that sort of thing but not that that sort of thing is occurring.

 

Alright, thanks for the clarification.

 

He can see everything that i post. I just don't understand why he gets so upset every now and then about it.

 

I don't flirt by any stretch of the imagination. And i definitley don't have any romantic feelings for anyone on there.

 

*Sigh* i don't know what to do about it. Part of me wants to say screw it! I don't want to be controlled this way and just keep doing what i want. But another part of me wants to make him happy and stay away from there, but then i'll end up resenting him for it. Because i'm doing nothing wrong by being on there.

[drewciouS281]

I think he is overreacting about it. Its obvious when your on here your here for advice, not for picking up others. Majority of us are in relationships we want to salvage not move into another one. It does also depend how in depth you are talking with a certain user. That you need to watch for. I told my girl that i have posted a couple things on here and at first she was a tad skidish but when i told her, after reading some other peeps threads we got it easy. When i told her that it was sorta like counceling she accepted it no problem.

[SherriLi]

I think he is overreacting about it. Its obvious when your on here your here for advice, not for picking up others. Majority of us are in relationships we want to salvage not move into another one. It does also depend how in depth you are talking with a certain user. That you need to watch for. I told my girl that i have posted a couple things on here and at first she was a tad skidish but when i told her, after reading some other peeps threads we got it easy. When i told her that it was sorta like counceling she accepted it no problem.

 

Exactly. I wish he'd see that there's nothing to worry about. I know what you mean about watching how indepth the conversations get... I'm very aware of this.. and before every post i put him into consideration.

 

I have followed and accepted all of his wants and needs in regards to me posting on there.

 

He asked me to change my avatar, he asked me to disable pm privilages, and he asked me to stay out of the sex health part of the forum. I've done all of this and he still isn't happy.

 

He want's me to go for councilling. I refused to, unless he comes with. A friend on another forum told me that i shouldn't go unless he does to.. Because he needs it as well. But he won't. So i'm not going to go either. The only form of councilling i have is my site. It helps ALOT.

 

Sometimes i think he gets upset that i'm on there because, i'm learning about different characterisitics of people and the ways of REAL and decent relationships, also, it's strengthened my backbone ALOT... I don't put up with as much shyte from him as i used to. My site has given me this strength.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

We have had MANY discussions about that site. He posted a thread on there asking if he should be concerned that i'm on there. EVERYONE said, leave her alone. She's come here to get help for your relationship and nothing else. If it was a dating site then you have cause for concern. This isn't a dating site... They were all right!

 

I've told him many times why i'm on there, we've spoken in a calm manner. Its ok one minute and the next i'm getting shyte on for being on there.

 

He reads every single post i make. Like i'm about to cheat on him or something.

 

congradualtions on having someone who likes being with you, and is willing to see what his woman is doing

 

one day you'll look back and be so happy he did