He hates that i'm on a relationship advice forum

[Miss Firecracker]

I told a friend on the site that he was coming home. He's helped me in great detail with my relationship with my bf. He's ALWAYS been there for me, even if i don't take some of his advice. Super great person. Anyway, when i told him that my bf was coming home, and also that i couldn't be on at night anymore, he was sad

 

The fact that this other man is sad he can't hang out with you anymore says you've crossed a line between advice and emotional cheating.

 

I would be hurt if some woman said she was "sad" that my husband had to stop PMing her. In fact, I'd be really concerned about why he was confiding so much in a strange woman about OUR problems. A public message board is one thing, but a constant exchange of PM's is another. It's very risky. And I think you should get away from the board if it's getting to that point.

[ghost69]

maybe the fact he is mad isn't because of the site, but, to him,it seems that you are always on it. or he has some other underlying issues with himself that he needs to get mad at you.

[ghost69]

sorry to post again so soon, but i just thought of something. perhaps, like you said, you haven't been having problems, but you are still logging on the site to use it. maybe he feels inadequate in the relationship dept. you tell him that you use it to help your relationship, but nothing is wrong when you are on. maybe when your relationship is good, you should stay away from it. that could be the cause of ur problem with this.

[SherriLi]

congradualtions on having someone who likes being with you, and is willing to see what his woman is doing

 

one day you'll look back and be so happy he did

 

Really, i'm sorry but you seem to be a little bitter.... Are you just going through a breakup or something?

 

is willing to see what his woman is doing

 

I really don't think he sees what i'm doing. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not having any sort of affair.... I'm not emotionally attached to anyone on the site. I'm attached to the site it's self. Because it was helped me improve upon myself.

[SherriLi]

The fact that this other man is sad he can't hang out with you anymore says you've crossed a line between advice and emotional cheating.

 

I would be hurt if some woman said she was "sad" that my husband had to stop PMing her. In fact, I'd be really concerned about why he was confiding so much in a strange woman about OUR problems. A public message board is one thing, but a constant exchange of PM's is another. It's very risky. And I think you should get away from the board if it's getting to that point.

 

You have misunderstood what i have tried to communicate.

 

I am pming this person for advice only. I can't ask for advice on the board because i know my bf will get VERY upset with me if i do. I'm scared that he'll do so much as to write things on the thread in anger then everyone will know i'm with him. ANd i don't want any negativity in the forum, that is caused by me.

 

If i could post advice on the board, i wouldn't have to pm anyone for advice. Do you see where i'm going with this??

[SherriLi]

maybe the fact he is mad isn't because of the site, but, to him,it seems that you are always on it. or he has some other underlying issues with himself that he needs to get mad at you.

 

We do have problems... I search the boards for similar problems, in hopes to find good advice. That's all i can do. He reads all my posts and would be very upset if someone was to say something badly about him... he'd post something to them.. I don't want to start a war on a place that is wonderful.

 

CHeck my past posts. I've been posting here alittle more lately because i can't post there.

[JadedStar]

You have misunderstood what i have tried to communicate.

 

I am pming this person for advice only. I can't ask for advice on the board because i know my bf will get VERY upset with me if i do. I'm scared that he'll do so much as to write things on the thread in anger then everyone will know i'm with him. ANd i don't want any negativity in the forum, that is caused by me.

 

If i could post advice on the board, i wouldn't have to pm anyone for advice. Do you see where i'm going with this??

 

I think she did understand your point. She is saying that this man told you he "felt sad" that you would not be talking to him anymore in private. What this suggests is that he was really enjoying these convos and PERHAPS it was a bit more personal for him then you. She is not really saying that YOU are having emotional feelings/affair with this man but moreso that it might be disturbing to your b/f that you are chatting privately with a guy and he is even sad you wnot be doing it anymore.

 

I would also be upset if my husband was privately talking to a female, no matter WHAT the issues were and she said when he could no longer talk to her "i feel sad" about that. If it were strictly her giving him some advice, when he said he no longer needed the advice or no longer would be asking for it, why would she be sad? that would concern me.

 

He should not feel sad if your relationship online was STRICTLY advice giving. Does that make sense? If it were purely to give you advice and not a hint of anything more, your telling him you can't speak to him anymore would not make him feel sad.

 

Maybe your b/f is picking up on this more than you are and that is part of his concern.

 

I don't think your b/f is necessarily a jerk I just think he communicates really poorly, as I already said. Poor communicators come off like this a lot. Simply because they can't rationally discuss their fears, instead they just get angry...and that anger appears irrational (because in essense it is - it could have been avoided with a heart to heart). Some men are not good communicators at all and they can behave like this (some women too).

[JadedStar]

We do have problems... I search the boards for similar problems, in hopes to find good advice. That's all i can do. He reads all my posts and would be very upset if someone was to say something badly about him... he'd post something to them.. I don't want to start a war on a place that is wonderful.

 

CHeck my past posts. I've been posting here alittle more lately because i can't post there.

 

It is inappropriate that he polices you in this manner. He sounds like a very insecure man and he should learn how to talk to you like an adult and treat you like one.

 

On your other thread it does sound like you two have a lot of alcohol fueled arguments. You cannot even rationalize an argument fired by drinking because neither one of you are going to come off as very reasonable at that stage. I suggest you both examine the drinking issues and the rest may clear up on its own. Sounds like you both feed off of each other. You striking him and becoming all bruised up and not remembering it the next day is BAD NEWS.

[SherriLi]

once again, you are both are misunderstanding me. He was sad because i was going to stop Posting on the public forum at night, not stop PMing him. i was going to stop because i didn't want my bf to see all my posts seeking advice about our relationship. Instead, i came up with another plan. I created a new username so i could post some nights also. THAT's How he knows about the forum.

 

If he ever seen the posts from the old user name. It would hurt him. Everyone basically told me that he was trouble and that i should leave him. I didn't want him to see that because it would make him feel terrible.

[SherriLi]

It is inappropriate that he polices you in this manner. He sounds like a very insecure man and he should learn how to talk to you like an adult and treat you like one.

 

On your other thread it does sound like you two have a lot of alcohol fueled arguments. You cannot even rationalize an argument fired by drinking because neither one of you are going to come off as very reasonable at that stage. I suggest you both examine the drinking issues and the rest may clear up on its own. Sounds like you both feed off of each other. You striking him and becoming all bruised up and not remembering it the next day is BAD NEWS.

 

I agree. We haven't had any more episodes like this, thank god. I have become numb to anger. He has yelled at me since, but i don't yell back i end up crying. I don't have any anger left. Just sadness.

 

He wants me to go to councilling for my anger problems. I want him to come. He says that his anger is geared towards me. But he's bitter about everything. from songs they play on hockey night in canada, to being critical and judging my friends and family.... to every... thing... I want him to come with me... He won't.. so i refuse to go also. I think we as a couple need councilling. Not just me.

[JadedStar]

once again, you are both are misunderstanding me. He was sad because i was going to stop Posting on the public forum at night, not stop PMing him. i was going to stop because i didn't want my bf to see all my posts seeking advice about our relationship. Instead, i came up with another plan. I created a new username so i could post some nights also. THAT's How he knows about the forum.

 

If he ever seen the posts from the old user name. It would hurt him. Everyone basically told me that he was trouble and that i should leave him. I didn't want him to see that because it would make him feel terrible.

 

I guess either/or you can't see what we are saying.

 

Would you be just a tad upset if there was some girl on a forum somewhere that told your b/f she would be sad if he stopped posting there?

 

Does that help this make more sense what we are trying to say? And perhaps it would not bother you at all, all that says is that you might be more secure than he is.....it doesn't necessarily make him WRONG for having those feelings, just means he might be more insecure about this kind of stuff.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm not misunderstanding a thing. I still feel the same.

 

As long as you like who you see in the mirror, that is all that matters.

[SherriLi]

I guess either/or you can't see what we are saying.

 

Would you be just a tad upset if there was some girl on a forum somewhere that told your b/f she would be sad if he stopped posting there?

 

Does that help this make more sense what we are trying to say?

 

My bf never seen these words. I wouldn't have a problem if he was posting on a forum, and was open and honest about it. If he gave me his username, no i wouldn't mind him making new friends. ESPECIALLY if it's a relationship advice site. Not a place where anyone goes to hook up with people.

 

It sounded as though you thought i meant that the member would be sad if i stopped PMing him. That wasn't the case. What i meant was stop posting on the forum. This was before i created the new username, and told my bf about the site.

[JadedStar]

I agree. We haven't had any more episodes like this, thank god. I have become numb to anger. He has yelled at me since, but i don't yell back i end up crying. I don't have any anger left. Just sadness.

 

He wants me to go to councilling for my anger problems. I want him to come. He says that his anger is geared towards me. But he's bitter about everything. from songs they play on hockey night in canada, to being critical and judging my friends and family.... to every... thing... I want him to come with me... He won't.. so i refuse to go also. I think we as a couple need councilling. Not just me.

 

 

Okay, I hope I don't hit a nerve in you, but in an effort to help you this must be said...

 

Your refusing to get counseling because he won't is as stubborn and immature as his blaming all of his anger on you. You can only be responsible for yourself, and counseling can help ANYBODY. That counseling can help you learn to deal with HIM better. Not going as a refusal to his going is not getting either of you anywhere.

 

I would suggest you go. Maybe if he sees it help you he will be more soft to going as well. Some people are terrified of a counselor as they think it makes them weak. This tends to be more present in men ... you going can have a positive affect on you both. A counselor can even help you learn how to avoid communication triggers that set him off.

 

His blaming you for his anger when HE himself should be adult enough to control it is huge evidence of his immaturity. HOwever, don't let that sway you from going and bettering yourself. You might have some insecurity issues of your own that keep you locked into this relationship and counseling may help open your eyes to this. It may even help open your eyes to this relationship and you realize it is just not working out for the best for you.

[SherriLi]

Yes, you have made some great points there. The crappy thing is that he doesn't want me to see just "any" councillor. He wants me to talk to his mother's friend. I have a problem with this because he isn't neutral.

 

I went to a councillor before we broke up last summer. Not because i needed help, because my mind was going crazy with thoughts. He was talking to his ex gf that he left me for and cheated on me with pretty much every time i left the house.

 

I went to her just to get everything out, and wanted to know if he was being true when he would tell me "she's just a friend" and if i should hold on, if i could deal with it better. The councillor was very angry at him. She told me he was in the wrong with what he was doing and was going to see me on an ongoing basis.

 

Then he beat me. My whole one side of my face was purple and black, my eye wasswollen shut, i missed my next few appointments because of this, i never called her back. I feel sheepish to go back now, after not talking to her or giving her an explanation of why i never came back. I told him about what she said not too long ago.

His remark was "all those councillors have been abused and are just hard on men"

 

I really don't want to see who he want's me to see unless he comes because he isn't a certified councillor and he doesn't have any confidentiality clause and could tell his mother eveything. He doesn't want me to see the public councillors because of what i told him the woman said. They are the only ones in this small town i live in.

[JadedStar]

Why are you still with this man? More than ever I suggest you see a counselor. Absolutely DO NOT go to the one he wants because you are right, you need someone neutral.

 

The one you were seeing does not sound all that professinal because she/he should not have gotten "angry" at your b/f. A good counselor does not show that kind of bias, they just offer you suggestions and help you make your OWN decisions that you arrive at on your own.

 

Past behavior is a strong predictor of future behavior. If he cheated on you more than once he has shown it is a pattern. The liklihood that he is telling you the truth is slim. His beating you is NOT even acceptable a little bit. Your self esteem must really be down because you would not tolerate this if you loved yourself.

 

My suggestion is move on from this man and find a counselor so you can heal and begin a new path that is not so self destructive. Once you heal yourself and grow confidence you will naturally attract better people into your life.

 

I gotta tell you, i would be FAR MORE worried that this man beat my face black and blue than I would be that he is worried about me being on a relationship site. Your priorities sound out of sync a bit....there are far bigger issues going on wtih this man than just his not liking you coming to forums. He is an abuser and a cheater - the top two most horrific traits a person can possess and he has them both.

 

Oh and let's add "manipulator" to his repertoire of creepy traits. Of course he wants to control WHO you see because he is terrified of a professional telling you to gather your collective stuff and get the heck away from this man.

 

The story is unfolding here and it is far more clear WHY he hates these sites. He knows once you start telling people how you have been treated they are going to urge you to get away from him. Of course these types of sites would give him reason to be upset...he knows the more INFORMED you are about what is and is not acceptable the closer you will be to freeing yourself of his behind.

[drewciouS281]

Thats all you had to say right there!!!!!!! The fact he beat you that bad! GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He obviously has anger issues and wont hesitate to hurt you maybe even kill you. please just get out!

[SherriLi]

I forgave him for that night. He lost it. And when he came to, i seen the look on his face and the astonishment and horror in his eyes at what he'd just done. He was going to call the police, and i wouldn't let him because i realized that he'd never do it again.

 

He cried like a baby after that. To this day when he brings up how bad he feels for it, that it was the worst thing he's ever done... He still cries in my arms.

 

With him cheating... he left me to pursue her after the first 7 monthes of our relationship. He lied about going to Calgary, when he went to Edmonton to spend a week with her.... he "said" he didn't sleep with her... Then he left me behind after inviting me, to go to her sisters wedding. He addmitted kissing her and getting carried away but that he stopped it. He to this day, still doesn't consider that to be cheating. That blows me away.

 

So.. i guess your right.. It's very likely that he cheated on me more than once.

 

The councillor wasn't "angry" i guess that was a bit strong of a word. She was more astonished at his behavior than anything. She was probably overwhelmed some what also. Because i didn't even fill out forms.. I jst sat down, and words exploded from my mouth non-stop for an hour straight.

 

I will build up the courage to make an appointment at that same place. I won't go see the person he wants me to. Unless he comes with me.

 

The reason why i'm seeking advice about the advice site, is because are slowlly working through all of the above... we are making progress... bit by bit. He's even stopped with all the secrecy, he's being more open about everything. Which helps alot.

 

The only thing he has left to be angry about is that i don't want to see the person he wants me to talk to alone.... and the fact that i post on a relationship advice forum.

[Miss Firecracker]

I feel ill just reading what this man did to you. Strange that you don't understand what you are dealing with. Men like this always cry after they beat you to a bloody pulp. He'll cry after he kills you too.

[JadedStar]

As I read this I see he has all of the classic signs of an abuser. Hon, abusers almost always cry after they beat their victim. He really has you locked in here.

 

I hope for your sake that he is making strides but I can't help but not feel it. But at the end of the day it is your life not ours.

 

The counselor was probably overwhelmed that you stay with him.

 

Oh and he slept wtih her. If there is anything I've learned in my life it is if a man admits to kissing a woman you can bet it went further...they will only admit to as little as they have to just to squirm out of the line of fire.

 

Please make that appt. That counselor won't care that you brushed off those visits. She will just be glad you returned. Don't let that worry you.

[Aleadragonhawk]

A few things to consider. What, if anything, do you gain by having this man in your life? Do you feel that his behavior is acceptable? If you were reading this same story on the site you frequent, what advice would you give the woman?

[WildChild]

JadedStar nailed this on the head IMHO. In terms of feeling bad that you just left the counselor with no explanation and now unsure about returning to them: don't feel badly! This is their job to help people, and I'm sure it has happened countless times when people return after "disappearing." I would bet they already have a good understanding of why you haven't returned. I agree with JadedStar whether he wants to go or not, you need to go for yourself. And DON'T go to his mother's friend. If you were comfortable with your counselor from last summer, than make the appt.

 

I also wonder if his being so upset about you frequenting relationship forums is because of unspoken feelings on his side about his affair with his ex. Maybe he knows his chatting it up with her about you and your relationship led to them "finding" one another again or whatever reason he has justified to himself, and is scared that you will do the same with someone else. I have a friend whose husband behaves the same way when one time something is o.k.for her to do something, and the next it's not. The pattern we realized is when it's a good time or a convenience for him i.e. he wants to do something, go somewhere etc. without her. Then he's o.k. with "whatever" and make suggestions of things she should do. BUT the next time she will do his suggestions i.e. go out with the girls, movie etc. and it's not to his convenience, he absolutely goes crazy. Next time he wants to do something w/o her, then he's all "A o.k." with her doing her own thing. You mentioned he was o.k. when hockey was on.....convenient for him because it will keep you "occupied" and "out of his way." See what I'm saying?? Ironically, her husband has anger control issues, is an alcoholic, has cheated on her, and is wishy-washy on an everyday basis. She never knows what direction the wind will blow him, and he loves to control dang near everything. She filed for divorce.

[Mavis VDSande]

I have to agree with JadedStar here Sherri, I really feel that her advice is really worth taking on board. I think you're making too many excuses for him because perhaps you're too scared to climb over the wall to the ther side, to having and living a full life without this man.

 

If someone can physically abuse you (man or woman), they will DO IT AGAIN. If you have children and they do something that irritates him or act childish (like they do), there is a VERY HIGH chance that he will abuse them physically. I know that you may be able to take the hits, but if you are considering a future with him, a real future, are you prepared to see your children be hurt as he has hurt you?

 

Please think about this. At some point in your rels you must be selfish and think of your own wellbeing and emotional/physical health.

 

I don't think your bf's issue is to do with you having an online forum. I think your bf simply needs to be in full control of your relationship. To the point of telling you who to see. Everyone knows that choosing the right counsellor to speak to is very important, sometimes it takes time, if he wanted you to be free to sort out any feelings you had, he would let you choose your counsellor. But he doesn't want you to be free, he needs to know that you're going to a source close to him. This is not healthy.

 

You also still sound very angry about what he did re: his ex. There is too much resentment, so why are you living your life in fear and anger? Do you believe that you deserve better? Or do you believe that this is the best it can get?

[Mavis VDSande]

I'll also add that my bf recently found out about my regular postings here. I lent him my PC and he found my details on this forum. I was very embarrassed at first but he basically said that "everyone needs an emotional release", so he didn't have an issue with it.

 

He also knows that I've made a close male friend through this forum, but as I've needed less support my contact with my male friend has naturally taken a back seat, mutually.

[Mavis VDSande]

The only thing he has left to be angry about is...

 

Sherri, it is not NORMAL to constantly walk on eggshells because you're counting down "things" that p*** off your boyfriend. Please think about this and perhaps share with us what "love" and a "relationship" mean to you.

 

Hugs x