Cheated on my boyfriend who's in jail. :(

[EmptySoul]

This might be slightly long, but please read it because I need replies.

 

I met my current boyfriend on myspace. We talked online and on the phone for a few weeks then met in person. He lives in the same town as I, had went to my high school and knew a lot of the same people I know. We hit it off really really well and a few days after meeting he asked me out. But about a week into us dating, he went to jail. (I made a post about it before.) He's in for 3-6 months. After discussing it through letters, we've decided to stay together. But there's a problem.

 

A couple days after he went to jail I got very very drunk. I hadn't gotten any letters from him, so I didn't know if he wanted to stay together. But I told everyone at the party that I was still considering myself his girlfriend until he told me otherwise. But I kept drinking and eventually they talked me into flashing them and fooling around with my ex girlfriend. I told everyone it wasn't going any further but they took my clothes off even though I said no. I was down to my underwear and said, these are staying on, but no one cared and these 2 guys just wouldn't stop touching me and kissing me and doing things to me even though I said no. They finally took off my underwear and I finally gave up and just did what they wanted. I had sex with 1 of them and fooled around with the other.

 

After it was over I went in the bathroom and cried. I got dressed and cried some more. I had bruises on my chest from the guy being so rough with me. I missed my boyfriend so much and I just felt disgusting.

 

A few days ago I went with a couple friends to visit where I lived at a little while back. And got very drunk and high. We were with this really nice guy that helped us out when we lived up there. I was just dancing around to the music, in the rain, actually happy for the first time since my boyfriend went to jail and I ended up making out with him, and then later having sex with him.

 

I know, I am horrible. I would do anything to take these 2 nights back. This boyfriend is the 1st person I've dated in over 2 years because I'm aftraid of committment and getting close to people. I care about him so much, he's amazing and I would do anything for him. He makes everything better and he says I make him smile, I make him happy. I've never had such an instant connection with someone, we've been together every day since the 1st day we met, we have so much in common, he's just beautiful and a great person.

 

I've read in a magazine how sometimes it's really not constuctive to a relationship to admit to cheating if you aren't going to do it again. But I don't know if I could stand being dishonest with him. And what if he found out about if from someone else later? I don't want to lose this boy or hurt him, but I don't know how to take back or fix what I've done...

 

-E.

[Luke Skywalker]

If you are really sincere about your boyfriend, then file rape charges on the guys who had sex with you and prove it.

[EmptySoul]

I talked to my friend, he said the same thing. But it wasn't rape. Because I gave in. After saying no for an hour or 2 while they were touching me I gave in and willingly had sex, so it wasn't rape.

 

-E.

[Luke Skywalker]

I talked to my friend, he said the same thing. But it wasn't rape. Because I gave in. After saying no for an hour or 2 while they were touching me I gave in and willingly had sex, so it wasn't rape.

 

-E.

 

If you say no once then it's rape.

[GQstatus]

I think there's a bigger issue here. And that is, WHY are you putting yourself in these positions? You're only 17, you need to realize most guys your age will do just about anything to get in your pants, and you're letting them.

[Batya33]

You don't know your boyfriend because you only knew him in person for a week. What you do know is that he commits crimes. You also know - or should know - that you have a drinking and/or drug problem for which I hope you get some help and soon before you harm yourself more than you already have.

 

I would focus now on taking care of your health - get tested for STDs and pregnancy, ASAP, promise yourself you will not hang out with the people who drink/get high and go talk to a counselor about your drinking/drugs. Then, when you are sober for at least 6 months, you can think about dating again. As far as your boyfriend who is in jail tell him that you need to take care of yourself but that you will call him/write to him once a week just to be supportive and see how he is doing.

 

You are really not in a position to be in a relationship right now in my opinion because you need to focus your energies on getting yourself back on track.

 

I probably would not file rape charges because it sounds like you consented and that will take too much time and emotional energy which is better spent on taking care of you.

[agent1607307371]

Being coerced into having sex you don't want to have is rape.

But I agree with Batya, and that filing would probably be even more traumatic for you.

 

Stay away from drink and drugs and these people. You don't seem to have a great self-esteem, and they play on that.

You need to get emotionally healthy before you start worrying about other people.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Please get yourself some help and sort your life out. Every single guy you have been with is a low life and you deserve better than that. Your 'boyfriend' is in jail...you really think he is going to turn himself around and be a responsible adult? You deserve better than that. What are you doing with your life, what are your goals for the future, career plans. Go work on figuring that out and then perhaps your self-esteem will increase and you won't find yourself attracted to the drugs, alcohol and guys who just want sex from you.

[avman]

Well I would think that that first night would be considered more rape than anything else. If you were drunk and had said no previously then they took advantage of you. You weren't able to consent once you were intoxicated. So I don't know that I'd say it's cheating.

 

The second night is a very different story.

 

After dating this boyfriend for only a week though I'd hardly say you were into a serious and committed relationship. I'd question the real worth of this guy if he's in prison now. But I'm willing to accept that you care about him and perhaps he is going to straighten out his life.

 

You might want to consider not drinking and doing drugs as they are going to really mess up your ability to think and make clear decisions. Any advice I could give you won't help you much if you are wasted.

 

What's going on that is hurting you so much that you feel you need to self medicate like this?

[EmptySoul]

Thanks for all the replies, all try to provide some more information because I need the answer do i tell my boyfriend about these 2 nights? etc. more than I needed the other advice.

 

(oh, and the rape thing- i'm not going to press charges, i couldn't do it on a clear consience because they were intoxicated as well and because i eventually consented. i'm getting tested for pregnancy and stds asap...)

 

My boyfriend, this is the only time he has ever got into trouble with the law. My dad even works at a prison and looked into the computer for my boyfriend's name to make sure he wasn't lying. He's only in jail because he took the fall for an ex-girlfriend and had pot, and it was from when he was younger, they'd kept calling continuances. He's seems to be very responsible now, polite, respectful, mature, etc. He just made a mistake.

 

I realize that I have problems with drug/alcohol abuse and being promiscuous, but this boy was helping me a lot, I just sort of fell apart again when he went to jail. I know I've only known him in person for a few weeks but I'm going on a gut feeling that he's worth it, I've only been in a couple serious relationships because of trust issues and I'm used to the users and fakes and the jerks, I've seen every kind and he just blows me away because he's such a great person. I'm not saying he's an angel or perfect by far, but he's nowhere near in the same classification of the people I usually know.

 

I respect him. Which I feel like is a much more real feeling than infatuation or whatever.

 

I have a lot of problems, yes, and I am definitly not the greatest person. But I'm trying to change. He inspires me to change. But then all of a sudden he was gone and I fell back into everything that used to control me...

 

I need to know if I should talk to him about those two nights?

 

-E.

[avman]

I think telling your boyfriend about the first night is a good idea. Like I said, you were taken advantage of and I don't believe you had any intention of cheating that night. You were raped.

 

The second night, well that's a pickle. That was some very bad judgment and I don't know that you fully understand why you cheated. Before telling your boyfriend I think you should do some reflecting on why you did what you did because the first thing your boyfriend is going to say is WHY?

 

I do think eventually you need to tell your boyfriend. I think the guilt is already eating at you and it will only cause more problems in your relationship. You need to come clean and hopefully figure out why you are needing intimacy from others.

[Gracelove]

I don't think you're horrible at all. I just think that you were traumatized by what happened the first night. I mean those people undressing you against your will is quite awful.

 

Maybe you should call a crisis hotline, just to explain what happened and to get advice.

 

And if you feel comfortable enough maybe you could see a counselor at school.

 

I don't think you should be beating yourself up for what happened. I think you're probably having a really hard time dealing with everything right now and you just need a little help.

 

I don't think you should blame yourself at all. Those guy doing that stuff to you was inexcusible. (sP?)

 

And when it comes to the second guy I think you were just vunerable and needed to be comforted. I think it's always great to be honest, so you should tell your boyfriend when you feel comfortable enough to do so.

 

Just hang in there, k. You'll probably have bad feelings about that first night for a while.

 

I don't know if it's rape or not. I would ask a counselor, and they'd be able to tell you.

 

I've never been a situation like yours before.

 

I was pressured into having with a boyfriend once, so I know what that feels like.

And then I was raped by a stranger in a separate situation.

 

I'm kind of confused on the matter because I know what it's like to give in or give up and have sex when a person is pressuring you. When that happened to me (with a boyfriend), I felt horrible, but I didn't consider it to be rape.

 

But you, you said "no" before you gave up, so I think that definitely makes a difference, but I don't know what that's called. I do know that when you say, "no" someone is suppose to respect your decision.

 

After you said, "no" did you say "yes". It doesn't make any difference to me. I think what happened to you is just as horrible with rape. But I know when it comes to rape everything gets so technical. And I don't know much about that side of it. Oh, I know! I'll look up the definition online and post it here for you.

 

Either way I think you should go to the police station and make a report. What they did was absolutely wrong, no matter what it's called, and they could get in serious trouble for it.

 

I'm really very sorry.

 

Lots of love your way!!!

 

~Grace

 

rape1 ( rāp) image removed

n.

1. The crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse.
   
2. The act of seizing and carrying off by force; abduction.
   
3. Abusive or improper treatment; violation: a rape of justice.

tr.v., raped, rap·ing, rapes.

1. To force (another person) to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse; commit rape on.
   
2. To seize and carry off by force.
   
3. To plunder or pillage.

I don't know, it sounds like you were raped to me.

[EmptySoul]

I'm doing okay enough that I don't need to call a hotline or see a counselor. That's why I write on enotalone and xanga lol. I used to be in counseling, now I'm trying to make it on my own, but my anxiety has flared up again since he went to jail, so I am going to the doctor to get back on anxiety meds.

 

The first night, that only happened because I got tired of saying no. I think I could handle telling him about that night.

 

The 2nd night, I've thought about that...there's no excuse for it at all, but I think I was just happy drunk/high and dancing around, that guy is a cool guy and things happen when I'm under the influence. I look at him purely as a friend with the exception of that night. He was just lying there talking and he was very pale and thin like my boyfriend, and I missed my boyfriend and things just led to sex because we were both intoxicated/high. I was just in a different town finally away from all the places I'd been with my boyfriend and I took the escape too far and made a very wrong choice.

 

-E.

[Batya33]

Why not see a counselor or call a hotline and let that professional evaluate whether you need help - tell her the facts and see what she says - you have nothing to lose.

 

It sounds like you are not in a place where you can commit to someone and it sounds like you are with your boyfriend because you feel you need to say you have a boyfriend to feel ok about yourself. He is in jail, he will be for a few months and you barely know him. Isn't it obvious that, given your problems with drinking, drugs and your sexual issues you don't also need a man who is in jail who you barely know as a "boyfriend" who you now need to tell about your various hook ups this weekend? If you cannot see why this is a bad idea then, respectfully, you need to speak to a professional.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, if it will not get back to your bf and you can move past it, don't tell him.

 

If you think it will get back to him via a different route, come clean.

 

Otherwise, I think you should just chalk them up to bad situations that were exaserbated by drugs and drink. Use them as the call to getting off the drugs and cleaning up who you hang around with. Use the time your bf is in jail to work on yourself.

 

I also think that speaking to a councellor would be beneficial, just in getting to the route of why you are making these choices and finding new ways to be.

[EmptySoul]

I do plan on working on myself while my boyfriend is in jail...I think I will have to tell him about both nights rather than risk him finding out from someone else...I don't want to do it in a letter so it will be whenever he gets out of jail and I really don't know how much it will bother him, if it will make him not want to be with me? I don't know.

 

-E.

[avman]

I don't know if it will bother him enough to break up with you either, but there is only one way to find out. Honestly I doubt that first night will make him turn against you. It's that second night...

 

But seriously, please stay off the drugs and tone down the drinking so that you don't get completely drunk and out of control. Otherwise you will not be able to make decisions about what you really want and need in your life.

 

Take a look at what you are missing in your life that you really need, and then let us know so we can help you take active steps to fill those needs in a healthy way. Everybody has needs - we just don't always fulfill them in a good way.

[metrogirl]

Don't admit to cheating if you are not going to do it again???? But you did it again.... It seems like your clothes fall off when you have been drinking and perhaps you should stay away from alcohol and drugs so that you do not put yourself in a position of cheating or getting raped again. Just curious, why didn't you press charges against those 2 guys?

[iblv]

"I told everyone it wasn't going any further but they took my clothes off even though I said no. I was down to my underwear and said, these are staying on, but no one cared...."

 

Your friends didn't listen to you, obviously don't respect you and showed no decent, human level of concern or compassion. You definitely need to get away from these people. I'd say seek out better friends, but right now it seems like you need to get to know, value, and respect yourself more first. With self respect and self love comes the power and eventual acceptance that you're worth more than that, that you deserve more than that. And with that acceptance hopefully comes the ability to love others in a healthy and more complete way.

 

It seems also you're drawn to people who aren't available, either physically, as with your boyfriend who's locked up in jail, or emotionally, as with those you "got tired of saying no to." By forming these sorts of relationships, you guarantee distance and sabotage honesty and intimacy with another. If you really won't seek counseling, my only advice is to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and work on the difference. I know this is an easy answer but it's all I can offer.

 

Last thing, wait until he gets out of jail before working on a real relationship and telling him what happened. It's easy falling in love when the real person isn't there. If, after you've spent time and honestly get to know each other, you both decide to form a relationship and commitment, then tell him about your past and past mistakes. It'll be easier for him to forgive you if he's gotten to know, respect, and trust you.