laboheme Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 How do I show him I'm interested? Oh yeah, that one hasn't been asked on here before. Basically, there's a guy in one of my classes that I would like to get to know better. There are about 16 people in the class, and he gives off a friendly vibe to everyone, but talks almost exclusively to me and the girl right next to me -- the three of us constantly joke about being the biggest nerds in the class because of the dorky things that we talk about. The three of us are usually the first to get to the room and we inevitably strike up a conversation about literature, philosophy, and whatnot. Obviously, the girl is a problem. She's a sweetheart (I would actually love to become good friends with her), but if she's there, I can't have his undivided attention. Sadly, due to the nature of our talks, I only get to see his intellectual side. I know all about his favorite books, education plans, intellectual pursuits, etc., and it's all very intriguing and attractive (I like smart boys, haha.) But, I don't know much else, and in the presense of other classmates -- especially the other girl -- it doesn't seem appropriate to ask. I don't even know if he's single. I've only seen him outside of class once, briefly, at a very nerdy event that I knew he'd attend...but the other girl attended as well (though all of us came separately), so it was the three of us nerdin' it up again. Sadness. Now, I only have one month of class left, and unless I do something quick, my chance will be gone, as we have totally different majors with no overlapping classes (this was an elective). He doesn't even have Facebook, so I can't randomly send him a message this summer/next year. Oh, what to do, what to do? I can't ask him out for coffee when we talk before class, since the entire small class (and the other girl) would hear. I can't ask him to coffee as we leave class, because the entire class takes the elevator down and, once again, would hear. And in a class of 16 people, you don't want people to hear. Also...if I somehow manage to ask him to do something outside of class and he doesn't agree, things would become very awkward for our little Nerd Trio. But if I wait until the last day of class...well, he might be gone for the summer, so that won't do me much good. And I don't even have a good excuse to ask him to do anything, since the class is just reading and discussion, no tests/finals that we could study for together Darn, it would be such a shame if my first major crush since The Breakup (almost a year ago, gah!) didn't yield any results...He~elp? Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 How about asking him to a lecture you think he might be interested in? You could do it via e-mail - as in "Hey I just saw this seems really interesting, I think I am going to go, are you in?". Once you were there together (hopefully without the girl and the rest of the class!), maybe you could ask him for coffee? Link to comment
laboheme Posted April 10, 2007 Author Share Posted April 10, 2007 The thing about email is...if I sent one to him, he would know for sure that I did some sleuthing to find his address, which would potentially make me look like a stalker. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Do you have any ideas as to why he hasn't asked you out or tried to get to know you better out of class? I don't think it's because of the other woman - you have decided you liked him without his undivided attention so I assume he could decide the same thing. Not saying he doesn't like you, just trying to get more information on the situation. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Do you guys not have school-issued addresses? Do you ever run into him anywhere else? Link to comment
Hondadonkey Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Well I think you could ask him to do something outside of class, and if he doesnt agree, just dont let it get awkward. Brush it off like its not a big deal, and act exactly the same the next day you are with your trio. Hey you better scoop him up before the other girl in your trio does! Why not ask him to watch a movie with you? An intellectual one? (Like 'An inconvenient truth' along those lines) Or something you know that he is interested in. Say that no one will rent it with you and ask if he would come watch it with you. Thats how I showed my gf I was interested. She was talking about the movie 'bowling for columbine' and how good it was and I said that I had never seen it and none of my friends would rent it with me. So I asked her to come over and watch it with me. Then we had a private relationship outside of any of our classmates. So I asked her to come to a community theater show with me that weekend. After the show we went for a drink, and well, the rest is history. Link to comment
laboheme Posted April 10, 2007 Author Share Posted April 10, 2007 Do you have any ideas as to why he hasn't asked you out or tried to get to know you better out of class? I don't think it's because of the other woman - you have decided you liked him without his undivided attention so I assume he could decide the same thing. Not saying he doesn't like you, just trying to get more information on the situation. No idea. Our conversations aren't exactly flirty (although today I did tell him that he looks cute with his new glasses), so maybe he doesn't realize that I'm interested. Maybe he's shy, maybe he likes the other girl better, maybe he has a girlfriend, maybe he's gay...who knows? Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 uhhh.... ask him to study with you sometime! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 I agree with the others that you can ask him to do something but unless you think he is extremely shy I would venture a guess that he is either not interested or not available, unfortunately, so be prepared for a "no" or a lukewarm response. By chatting with him as much as you do the risk of rejection for him is quite low - i.e. - he knows you at least like him as a friend -- and especially since in a school situation he can do the same thing you can do - ask you to study with him, ask for your number so he can ask you a question about an assignment, etc. - he doesn't have to go all out and ask you on a date. I don't think asking him to study or to do some group or platonic activity will turn him off if he is already interested but I am somewhat more in the camp of letting a man initiate that kind of invitation so that things start out with the man doing most of the initiating. It's not generally a mistake to turn the tables unless he is the type who feels more comfortable being the initiator and might think twice about a woman who initiates. I had a crush like that in college. It was an acting class so I arranged it that he and I - and another guy - would do a scene together - which meant rehearsing at one of our homes. He seemed potentially into me. Shortly after I planned the "group activity" he mentioned his girlfriend. Link to comment
FortunateOne Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 I got it! Take your lecture notes and ask him to review them to make sure you got all the info. As he reads them write in an obvious font size, "Hey, I find you intriguing; lets get coffee , okay." That's it. Make sure your body language is serenely confident when you do that. Link to comment
Hondadonkey Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Well if you don't know if he has a girlfriend, asking him is a good way to show you're interested. Another idea is to just sort of randomly say, "So ____, do you have a girlfriend?" If he says no, follow with, "Me and a couple friends are going to (some local bar, or show, or whatever you do with your friends) this weekend you should totally come!" If he seems interested, get his phone number immediately. Then you can communicate through text messaging which is a lot more impersonal and alot easier, but still effective. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 I wouldn't ask him if he has a girlfriend - I would ask him to do a group activity and it is up to him to tell you if he has a girlfriend. and I would avoid texting - if you want him to know you are interested, the more face time or at least phone time you get will let him hear your voice, get the vibes - rather than an impersonal text. Link to comment
Hondadonkey Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 I am somewhat more in the camp of letting a man initiate that kind of invitation so that things start out with the man doing most of the initiating. K I totally disagree no offense Batya. But as a fellow "nerd" I know that alot of men wait for the woman to innitiate. Its a new day and age. OP, show your confidence and even if he hasn't been interested thus far he might just agree to trying it out. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 K I totally disagree no offense Batya. But as a fellow "nerd" I know that alot of men wait for the woman to innitiate. Its a new day and age. OP, show your confidence and even if he hasn't been interested thus far he might just agree to trying it out. Ahh - I am referring to men in their late 20s and up. I know many men who would consider themselves somewhere in the continuum of geeky and when it comes to dating they do not wait for the woman to initiate. I wouldn't know about men younger than that although from what my niece tells me it's still the same. I don't agree that a man who is not interested gets interested by being asked out. He might say yes out of curiosity but it typically is an uphill battle and makes for an awkward/pulling teeth date. He might be very flattered and go out, but the woman he chooses for a relationship will be the one he was interested enough in in the first place to ask out, even if she does the asking first. Link to comment
WrongTurn435 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 The part that stands out is where you said that you've already met him outside of class at a very nerdy event where you knew he'd be at. Since that's the case, a potential plan of attack is to find another equally nerdy event that you know he'd be interested in attending and inviting him to go with you. Maybe bring up the past nerdy event to lead into whichever nerdy event in the future you're interested in, then invite him. Simple enough. This way, you're not "officially" asking him out, but at least you're initiating something. If there's only one month remaining of coursework, it's either you act now or risk losing out on an opportunity. From the guy's perspective, these sort of opportunities are passed on habitually, so expecting him to do all of the work in this instance undoubtedly runs the risk of nothing occurring at all. Oh yeah, if he hasn't made any mention of a girlfriend to this point, hopefully that's a positive indication for you. Good luck! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 I don't think that him making the first move is "all the work" particularly since she is being warm, friendly and interested. I know of men who enjoy harmless flirting and thereforeeee might not mention "the girlfriend" until/unless they are directly asked out on a date. I agree in asking him to go to a similar event next time - nothing to lose there. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 No idea. Our conversations aren't exactly flirty (although today I did tell him that he looks cute with his new glasses), so maybe he doesn't realize that I'm interested. Maybe he's shy, maybe he likes the other girl better, maybe he has a girlfriend, maybe he's gay...who knows? exactly. who knows. try a bit harder. Link to comment
laboheme Posted April 18, 2007 Author Share Posted April 18, 2007 Update on the whole situation: YIKES!!! Today the other girl and I talked after class for a decent amount of time...and it turns out that she likes him. She is not planning on going for it because she doesn't think it's going to work out and she isn't very sure of herself...but YIKES!!! I tried to let her know that I'm attracted to him, too, but I don't think she got the idea. So what do I do now??? I was JUST working up the courage to ask him out for coffee, and now this. Am I supposed to be a complete jerk and go for it anyway? I really don't want to upset the girl, because she's really sweet, and the whole guy thing aside, I think we could be good friends. Then again, it's a dog eat dog world, and I like the guy! Do I let him know? Do I wait for her to make a move and see if she's rejected? Or should both of us have a little party where we gush over how cute and smart he is, but do absolutely nothing about it out of respect for each other? ARGH!!! I wish I hadn't found out. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 i think you should tell her. it really shouldn't matter to her though. it's your passion, your life. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 Ooh, exciting. In your shoes, I would probably go for it. Then if you and the guy have gone on a few dates and it's going well, I would tell her the situation, that you two clicked and have been dating, etc ... I suppose it depends on her personality, but in the past I have been sensitive to the argument of "we like each other, we might as well date", especially since the two of them have no history together. I think the fact that she is a new friend might factor into your decision - if you think things with this guy could really go somewhere, then maybe it's worth risking her? I would not tell her until you have been on a few good dates with the guy. If you never get to that point, then don't ask don't tell, IMO. I would not talk to her about it BEFORE you ask him out. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 I would not tell her until you have been on a few good dates with the guy. If you never get to that point, then don't ask don't tell, IMO. I would not talk to her about it BEFORE you ask him out. I agree. I mean, if you DO ask him out and have a "study date" over coffee or something, it's not like it's a big formal date, and it's not like you two are committing to each other. you know, it's just coffee. So if you want to ask him out, do so, see what happens, and then tell her only if you and he get serious. Link to comment
laboheme Posted April 19, 2007 Author Share Posted April 19, 2007 Thanks for the responses, guys...I guess it does boil down to which I would rather risk, a potential friend or a potential boyfriend. The thing is...I only get to talk to him alone for maybe a minute until the other girl comes for class. Obviously, I can't ask him when she's there! Also, if I ask him without telling her first, what if she asks him after I do and then finds out about me from him? Awkward... Gosh, this really isn't the best introduction to the dating scene post-breakup... Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 do you have his e-mail or his phone number? Link to comment
laboheme Posted April 19, 2007 Author Share Posted April 19, 2007 No, but his email is listed in the school directory (but looking it up would be stalker-like). Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 Is there an excuse for which you could get his number (studying together or something), and then you could call him up and ask him out? Or could you ask him to e-mail you something (notes??), so then you could reply? Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.