Relationship Dilemma

[Ed1]

 

Hi Everyone.....after 2 months of racking my brains, and travelling on an emotional rollercoaster, I would really appreciate some advice and members opinions on the following:

 

Firstly, I have never been unfaithful before - this was something that I always said I would Never do. I have been with my g/f for 6 years, and we are living together. In january this year I went away on a training course for a week with work, and met this girl, who I felt instantly attracted to. It became apparent quite quickly that she felt the same (despite being in a similar situation to myself, b/f of 5 years). One thing led to another and we basically spent most of the week together, talking to the early hours, heavy petting, which made us both feel as guilty as hell, but that was as far as it went. We both exchanged mail/mobile details before we left, and kept in touch daily. We knew there was another week course coming up in 6 weeks, but after 4 weeks guilt got the better of us and we agreed to cool things off. Thaat was until we saw each other again at the next course. We couldn't keep our eyes, minds, or hands of each other, and things became a lot more passionate..... That was 6 weeks ago....again we have been keeping in touch daily, and speak for hours on the phone....Now for our feelings:

 

We both feel the same for each other, that being with are IN love with each other, and have told each other so. We constantly think about each other, and the deprth of feeling, wanting to be with someone is at a level that neither of us have felt before. I could see myself Marrying / Kids everything with this girl, and she has said she feels the same. We share the same life ambitions, everything feels right - apart from the fact that we are both in serious. long term relationships.

 

Problem is the guilt is eating us both up, it feels like our lives are in limbo, and just don't know what to do. She says she loves her b/f, but there have been problems for some time, but there is no passion or omance there, jher friends have likened her relationship as just good friends. She does not know what to do, and feels like she should give her relationship a last try, but when she says this to me, she cries (a lot) and then changes her mind when I ask her if that is what she really wants. I want to be with her, as hard and as much as it hurts me to have to hurt my g/f.

 

What are peoples thoughts on this situation - I feel really bad, and know that things can't go on the way they have. Is it possible that we can go our speperate ways and re-focus on our current relationships, and consider this to be a glitch in our relationships - or has the damage been done, and the fact that we have such strong and intense emotions/feelings for each other mean that we should split up with our current partners, and pursue this relationship properly. Is it possible to love 2 people? My mind is so messed up - please help!

 

Thanks, Ed

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Going on training courses is not real life. It is almost like meeting someone on vacation where you are having a good time and the daily pressures of life are miles away. It is fantasyland. The feelings you feel for this other woman are likely just lust and the excitement of the moment and I wonder if things would be so rosey had you met her in your home town when you have the pressures of work, paying bills etc. I think you need to break it off with her and do some honest to goodness soul searching of WHY you went astray. It may be that you are bored with life, your current relationship etc and you were craving some excitement. Do not mistake excitement for love. The cheating is not really about love, it is about some underlying issue within yourself that requires some deep thinking and introspection from you. I also think you owe it to your girlfriend to come clean on what you have done so she can decide whether she wants you in her life. Cheating is horrible on jilted party and it is better that she finds out now rather than living a lie with a man who she thinks loves her.

[karvala]

Yes, it is possible to love two people, and painful when it happens. The important thing is to end the indecision as quickly and correctly as possible, as that is a major cause of stress in the situation.

 

Two things to bear in mind (one on each side, if you like)

 

(1) You will have to tell your gf about your infidelity if you're to have an serious, honest relationship with her in the future. That might make your decision for you.

 

(2) All loving relationships go through an initial honeymoon phase where you feel very much "in love", and then fall back into a pattern that some people say looks more like friendship, though it's much more than that in reality; there are real hormonal changes that reflect these different times. As such, to compare your relationship with your gf to the one with the new girl is comparing apples and pears. How will it be in a year's time with the new girl, when you beginning to discover the various things about each other that you're not so keen on, stop putting on your best front to each other, and the chemistry alters?

 

Think seriously about the situation before jumping, but think quickly as well. Ask yourself all the usual questions e.g. can you see myself having a future, family etc. with your gf? Make a list comparing the two, but ensure that it's honest. Imagine your gf being with someone else. Imagine the new girl being with someone else. And above all, realise that the decision is likely to be irreversible.

[Ed1]

Hey....thanks for the replies / advice.

 

It is always difficult to convey a rounded picture of the situation in a relatively short thread. I don't believe that we are mistaking Lust for Love. We are late 20's early 30's and are not new to relationships etc. It has taken 3 months to get to the stage of knowing our feelings are of love and being in love, and not just the physical aspects / excitement of lust. We have both tried to cool things off, but can't get each other out of our minds. She went on a romantic break with her partner last weekend, and said all she could do was think of me, there was no intimacy during the weekend, but they had a nice time visiting places etc. I agree that courses are like vacations in the sense that you do not have day to day worries to consider, but the course is very intensive, is work related, and of a high professional level.

 

I have been in situations before when I have been approached by very attractive women, but have never done anything because a) it went against my principles and b) I knew it was just a lust thing and would not be any different than my current relationship in a year. As I said before neither of us have been unfaithful before, and the fact that we have such strong feelings for each other, suggests that we are with the wrong partners - but this is all alien to me, and I just don't know how to rationalise my feelings. I was hoping that was would have a sudden Eureka moment sometime over the past 3 months, but the longer this goes on the more confused I/We get. We are miserable when we are not in regular contact, but equally feel so guilty for the feelings that we have....

 

We both truly feel a lot for each other, we are IN love, but also love our partners - but as soon as I write that, i think how can we love our partners when we are doing this. We could both see ourselves marrying each other, having kids, etc - and this is something that I have never really discussed seriously with my current partner. We have both talked about how we felt when we met our current partners, and the feelings do not compare - everything clicked when we met in January, and she ticks all the boxes (so to speak).

 

As for telling our partners about this - is that a wise thing? Would that not be just moving the guilt/pain onto our partners? We both know that neither of our partners would forgive this level of infidelity - at least we think that. Personally, if I told my g/f the trust would be gone - which I know I deserve.

 

This is such a mess, and I don;t know what to do - neither of us do. I have suggested going away for a weekend and having a really long talk about our feelings etc - but don't know if this would be a good or bad idea.

 

Ed.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

We are late 20's early 30's and are not new to relationships etc. It

 

Age and having prior relationships are irrelevant to the "lust vs love" issue. I have known plenty of older and experienced people who have been unable to make that distinction and then it blows up in their face. The fact that you are considering going away with the other woman to "talk things out" means that you both should get out of your current relationships. You know that if you go away, you will not just simply "talk things out", there will be lots of sex involved. Think hard about whether your motives are honourable in that you don't want to tell your partner because you don't want to hurt her. The fact is that you are cheating on her and thereforeeee hurting her anyway because even if you don't tell her and just break it off, you will immediately be in a new relationship and she will immediately guess that you weren't being faithful. That will hurt her anyway. You have already gone way down in the slippery slope of dishonesty and deception, it is time to come clean once and for all. Pretending to her is insulting her and disrespecting her. If you think what you are feeling is "love" for this other woman, then you can't keep your current girlfriend in the dark because you are trying to hedge your bets in case things don't work out with the other woman.

 

Just think of this....your other woman is cheating on her partner and you are cheating on your partner. If you could cheat on your partner, then what happens when your new relationship settles down...will you cheat again and call it love. Similarly, will this other woman cheat on you and call it love. Also, you both cheated on business trips...can you ever trust that if she goes on a business trip she will not "fall in love" with someone else?

[TTTT]

Hi Ed,

 

You are certainly in a bit of a situation. I think that perhaps if you feel the need to seek another relationship with other women then your current partner is not for you. If this new women decided that she no longer wishes to see you then would you just go back to your current partner? Like she is second best? That is the impression I get by the fact that you are hesitant to tell your partner about your relationship with this woman.

 

You wrote that is woman ticked all the boxes you require, does this mean that your partner does not?

 

I think that you should break it off with your partner, as it does not appear that she has what you want. Regardless of the feeling the woman you are seeing has.

 

I hope that you come to an pleasant ending to this situation.

[Ed1]

I think I may have painted a rather poor picture of myself, and believe me I feel as bad as I can right now...infidelity is not something I am proud of, used to despise, and thought I would never do. This situation has effectively made me something I never wanted to be - a two timing B*stard! My g/f deserves better than this - I know that.

 

The hesitation does not come from being unsure of my feelings for this woman, it is my mixed up feelings/emotions regarding my current partner. I did not plan for this to happen, and was certainly not on the look out for someone else - neither was she. This whole situation has turned my life upside down, has got me questioning everything about my current life, my values, if my current g/f is right for me - an emotional rollercoaster..... I feel so bad, so messed up, but the feelings I have for this woman are so strong. I have told her things I have never told anyone else, and she too by her own admission has shared her most intimate secrets, which she has not shared with her b/f. Neither of us have had full sex with our partners for months - since we met.... maybe this is just the guilt, I just don't know, as this is totally alien to me.

 

I don't think the issue of trust would be an issue/concern if we got together, as I do trust this woman, and I thinkthat this has happened becuase we do have something very special. As I said before I have been propositioned on many occasions but have never wanted to act on this - I do know that the grass is not always greener, and that relationships go through rough patches.

 

I just keep thinking what if this woman is "the one". As for the weekend away, it really is time to talk about our feelings and spend some time together. The sex is exciting yes, but that is not the driver here, my feelings for this woman are a lot deeper and sincere than sex. I really care about her, it hurts me to see what this is doing to her aswell.

 

Ed.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your words sound so noble but your actions aren't and you are still questioning what to do which perpetuates the not so noble actions. You need to step up to the plate and end it once and for all with your girlfriend, regardless of what happens with this other woman. Just as you say you trust this other woman, I am sure your girlfriend also trusted you and never believed you would stray. I am also sure this other woman's boyfriend trusted her and never believed she would stray. Forget about whether or not your current girlfriend is right for you...you are not right for her. I am sorry to be so blunt but your posts are full of self-pity and all about you without any real regard for the ultimate pain you will be causing your girlfriend. It also doesn't matter that sex would not necessarily be the driving force behind the meeting, cheating is cheating whether it is emotional, physical or both.

[Batya33]

Two questions: why are you and your girlfriend not engaged or married (and this is not written to be "critical" but I believe that information is relevant to responding to your current situation). Second question: How is it that you believe that you can be faithful to this new woman if you end up with her and if she has a boyfriend, how can you be sure she won't go after the next guy she meets if she is apart from you for a few days?

 

Ok, that was probably three or more questions.

[Aleadragonhawk]

You've made it pretty obvious from your posts that you aren't in love with your girlfriend. You should probably end your relationship with her, let her go find a man who can be devoted solely to her - while you pursue the woman that you do care about.

[Ed1]

Batya33 - in response to your questions:

 

1) Engaged/Married - can't answer that question as I don't know why. I do know that my g/f wants us to get married though.

2) Faithful - because I know, this is not a rgular thing for me, I have been dating for over 15 years, and have NEVER cheated before. As for the other woman, I believe the same for her, as she has never cheated before.....I would never have done this, neither of us would, if we had not have had such a profound effect on each other - both physical and emotional.

 

Aleadragonhawk

True, I don't believe that I am IN love with my g/f, and she has said that she is not IN love with her b/f. We do however still feel that we love our partners, but are IN LOVE with each other - if that makes sense?! This is the crux of the dilema - can you love 2 people? Does the fact that we are in LOVE mean that are current relationships are doomed? Has the damage already been done, to a point where the relationships with our current partners are irretrievable?

 

If I could answer the above then my mind may be a bit clearer. We both feel the same about each other, we both miss each other, we both think about each other all day every day, BUT we have never been unfaithful before, and still feel like we love our partners, albeit in a completely different way. A poor comparison I know, but we have both said if we had been given the opportunity to go out with our present partners or each other, we would definitely be together, and probably be married now. We are both 5 years into relationships though and so it is totally hypothetical, but may help with the advice.

 

Thanks for the advice so far, much appreciated.

 

Ed.

[Batya33]

Well, of course "you would have done this" - you did it and the "because I felt this connection" simply means that you prioritized the connection over being faithful.

 

I don't mean that in a judgmental way but to rationalize that you are not the type of person to cheat because it only happened this once and it is only because of a strong connection simply means that you are the type of person to cheat if you feel a very strong connection to another person.

 

If you get married, the vows don't say "I won't cheat unless I feel a very strong connection." Certainly you had the choice of doing nothing about the connection until you broke it off with your girlfriend but you chose to prioritize the connection over being faithful. You were not a "victim" of the "strong connection" - you had a choice and you chose to be unfaithful.

 

If the answer is "I never cheat unless I feel a strong connection" your girlfriend deserves to know -- not that you cheated -- but that you think it is ok for either of you to be with another person as long as there is a strong connection. Right now she believes that you will be faithful even if you felt a strong connection and that if you did you would break it off first rather than cheating.

 

Your answer to the engaged/married question was revealing - it sounds like your girlfriend and you are on different wavelengths based on the strength of your commitment and my guess is it was not the "strong connection" but rather than you were vulnerable to feeling a strong connection because of the commitment issue you have in your relationship with your girlfriend. thereforeeee, to me the thing to do is to work on your relationship and see if you can resolve your issues rather than focusing on the strong connection to the other person.

 

I would not tell your girlfriend unless you put her at risk for an STD. That would simply unburden your guilt and hurt her unnecesarily. Rather, I would decide whether I wanted to work on the relationship and resolve the issues or break it off. If I broke it off I would not start dating the other woman until a few months down the road at least to make sure it is not a rebound and to start fresh. If it is such a strong connection it will be there at that time and she will be available. My friend met her husband at a bar - he then called her the next day and told her he would call in two months once he resolved his prior relationship. He said he didn't expect her to wait around. He called 2 months later and they got engaged 6 months later.

[Batya33]

Well, of course "you would have done this" - you did it and the "because I felt this connection" simply means that you prioritized the connection over being faithful.

 

I don't mean that in a judgmental way but to rationalize that you are not the type of person to cheat because it only happened this once and it is only because of a strong connection simply means that you are the type of person to cheat if you feel a very strong connection to another person.

 

If you get married, the vows don't say "I won't cheat unless I feel a very strong connection." Certainly you had the choice of doing nothing about the connection until you broke it off with your girlfriend but you chose to prioritize the connection over being faithful. You were not a "victim" of the "strong connection" - you had a choice and you chose to be unfaithful.

 

If the answer is "I never cheat unless I feel a strong connection" your girlfriend deserves to know -- not that you cheated -- but that you think it is ok for either of you to be with another person as long as there is a strong connection. Right now she believes that you will be faithful even if you felt a strong connection and that if you did you would break it off first rather than cheating.

 

Your answer to the engaged/married question was revealing - it sounds like your girlfriend and you are on different wavelengths based on the strength of your commitment and my guess is it was not the "strong connection" but rather than you were vulnerable to feeling a strong connection because of the commitment issue you have in your relationship with your girlfriend. thereforeeee, to me the thing to do is to work on your relationship and see if you can resolve your issues rather than focusing on the strong connection to the other person.

 

I would not tell your girlfriend unless you put her at risk for an STD. That would simply unburden your guilt and hurt her unnecesarily. Rather, I would decide whether I wanted to work on the relationship and resolve the issues or break it off. If I broke it off I would not start dating the other woman until a few months down the road at least to make sure it is not a rebound and to start fresh. If it is such a strong connection it will be there at that time and she will be available. My friend met her husband at a bar - he then called her the next day and told her he would call in two months once he resolved his prior relationship. He said he didn't expect her to wait around. He called 2 months later and they got engaged 6 months later.

 

As far as this woman being unfaithful, good luck to both of you feeling secure that the same thing won't happen when one of you is tempted by another person. Are you sure you could trust her to be faithful to you and vice versa?

[RayKay]

I agree with whomever said regardless of what you are feeling now, your girlfriend deserves better.

 

And, while I know you have had quite a tongue-lashing already, I am going to say that it is EASY to be IN LOVE. It is even easier when it is an affair; because it is also the newness, the excitement. Typically the in love part lasts two years, maybe a little longer if it is an affair. But sure enough, it does wear off and the REAL work begins. That is when what matters is you are with someone where there is a high trust level, commitment, and where you are going to work through things even when the connection is not strong, where the effort is required. Because I can guarantee, this "connection" will take work at some point, no matter how "special" it is right now.

 

I have read that the odds of a relationship born out of an affair staying together is less than 5%. Generally this is due to those huge trust issues, and the excitement factor fading as reality sets in...and you say "wait, who are you?".

 

Your girlfriend deserves to be set free; because you are not LOVING her (because real love is action, not feeling and connection) and well, then I wish you all the luck, but be careful about confusing what you want to be there, for what is really there.

[Aleadragonhawk]

One thing that I would do is look back over your posts. In every post, you're grouping yourself and the woman you are sleeping with together. You're pushing your girlfriend to the outside of the circle - a bystander affected only minimally, when the driving force of the situation is your emotion.

[Rabican]

You cheated on your GF with this girl. So at some point, she will believe that if you cheated with her, that you will cheat ON her.

 

She cheated with you, so you will believe that she will cheat on you also. At some point, there will be a huge trust issue for you to overcome... I dunno if you can get past it or not.

 

That said, you met a girl for a few days, and talked to her some... and are ready to leave a gf of 6 years... sounds more like fantasy than reality to me.

[Ed1]

Hi again, and thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review/consider my dilemma. Yes, I have had a tongue lashing, but no more than I expected or deserve. I agree that my g/f deserves to be loved, and well - and I feel that I have done this up until the moment that I me this new woman. Rabican - I have not fallen for this woman over a few days of chats, it has been 4 months, 2 weeks of being together 24/7 and then a lot of time e-mailing, talking on the phone, texting etc. That does not make it right, but it also means that we have had time to get to know eah other. As for focusing on our current relationships, I feel that both of us have issues with our current partners, and this is bound to have had some influence over our actions - again this does not condone our actions though. Nobody knows where a relationship is going to take them when they first embark on a relationship with a partner, and over time people can and do change. The dynamics of a relationship can change, and maybe my lack of commitment to get married should make me think long and hard about why, and what I really want.

 

I do love my g/f, I care for her a lot - which is why this situation has hurt so much. I don't want to live a life of regrets, and the feelings that I have for this new woman, have made me act, as I feel like she may be the one for me. Yes, that sounds really bad when you read it on this thread - BUT I am trying to be honest here.

 

What are peoples thoughts on me meeting with this woman for a weekend to really discuss our feelings, and try and come to a decision as to what we should do. This has obvioulsy gone on for 4 months.

 

There are obviously a lot of members on this forum who have a lot of excellent advice to give, and I thank everyone for their input - as painful as some of it is to read......

 

Ed.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are going to do what you are going to do. Having said that, my opinion is that before you go and meet this other woman, you break it off with your girlfriend, otherwise, don't meet her. You want the best of both worlds. Morally you know what you are doing is wrong, but you seem to want some kind of permission to go meet this other woman while keeping your girlfriend around just in case. If you want to discuss with this other woman, where you go from here....then why do you have to meet her, why not discuss it over the phone? Of course, that is still cheating and playing your girlfriend for a fool, but at least it is a bit better than actually meeting this other woman where physical cheating will go hand in hand with the emotional cheating and deception.

[Daligal83]

I agree with what everyone has said here and I think you are searching for validation for what you're doing by saying you'd normally never do this and that you have a strong connection. I'm sorry, but that doesn't excuse yourself. I completely agree with Batya in that you CHOSE this connection over your relationship with your girlfriend. In fact, you are continuing to do so by still wanting to go meet her to figure out your feelings. That's putting that relationship before the one with your actual girlfriend. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Work things out with your girlfriend instead of with the girl you're cheating with. I really think you should break it off considering she's not your priority in your romantic life. No one deserves that.

[Batya33]

You are going to do what you are going to do. Having said that, my opinion is that before you go and meet this other woman, you break it off with your girlfriend, otherwise, don't meet her. You want the best of both worlds. Morally you know what you are doing is wrong, but you seem to want some kind of permission to go meet this other woman while keeping your girlfriend around just in case. If you want to discuss with this other woman, where you go from here....then why do you have to meet her, why not discuss it over the phone? Of course, that is still cheating and playing your girlfriend for a fool, but at least it is a bit better than actually meeting this other woman where physical cheating will go hand in hand with the emotional cheating and deception.

 

Completely agree and as you know - or you might not - talking on the phone and getting to know each other as friends has nothing to do with what she might be like in a relationship. Except for one thing. If you date her, always know that she will cheat on you if she gets dissatisfied and that you will cheat on her if you feel a "strong connection." Luckily for you modern technology means you can monitor her emails and conversations because of course given you as an example, she will "get to know" the other guy for a few months and you won't be able to tell if he is that "buddy from work" or a "budding love interest." Or perhaps you can hire a private investigator. Sounds like loads of fun, eh? Good luck with that.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you should date anybody you want, and meet this woman for a weekend if you want BUT neither of you should do this while in a relationship and lying to your current partners.

 

it sounds like you are asking for permission to 'try out' this new relationship while still having the security of hanging onto the old girlfriend in case the new relationship doesn't work out. that is really selfish to be honest, and it will be much harder for your girlfriend to recover from both being betrayed and being dumped.

 

please be honorable and tell your girlfriend that you have met someone else you want to be with. that is the simple truth, no matter how you try to complicate it with questions about whether one can be in love with 2 people etc. etc. if she is willing to stay with you while you go off vacationing with someone else, that is her choice, but she deserves to be able to make that decision for herself, and not be jerked around and seen by you as second best because you want to be able to date other women without actually breaking up with her. really, if you can't be exclusive with your girlfriend, then she deserves to be set free to find someone who does take the relationship seriously enough not to sleep with and date other women while still pretending to be faithful to her.

[facade]

What are peoples thoughts on me meeting with this woman for a weekend to really discuss our feelings, and try and come to a decision as to what we should do. This has obvioulsy gone on for 4 months.

Ed.

 

Personally, I think you should make your own decision without the influence of this woman's decision factoring. I think you're waiting to hear her say she's leaving her man for you, so you will feel safe to leave yours. The only fair thing to do, if you really care about your girlfriend in the least, is to come clean and let her go. THEN go meet with this other woman and have that talk. I think to do anything different is selfish.

[finewhine]

Go Batya! You're owning this guy. Awesome!

 

I agree with everyone else. Break up with your girlfriend if you plan to meet this other woman. Oh, and break up with her anyway because you shouldn't bother being in a six year relationship if you're not "in love" and don't plan to get married.

[jenny_mcs]

Well, if you get together with the new girl, at least you both know how the other acts if your relationship gets stale.

 

Instead of talking about it, going to counseling, being honest, you find someone else you "have a connection with" and cheat for 4 months.

 

Yuck.

[ghost69]

i don't truly think it is because you are fully attracted to this woman and could have a future. i think it's the situation. you are on a trip, you both could cheat, potentially nobody would know. it's almost a fantasy i guess. if you love your girl, get over it.