Wait for committment or move on??? Thats the question...

[JanetJ]

Hi everybody - im new to this forum but just had to write/talk to someone who doens't know me or my partner.

 

I am 27 yo next month and feel very ready for marriage/the whole deal. Kids I feel I can wait for but would like to think about starting a family in about 5 years time. I've been going out with a younger guy for just under 2 years (he turns 21 this year). Before you judge about the age, he is much more mature then the usual 21 year old otherwise my parents would never have accepted him. I have been honest with him from day 1 - i told him from the start that if he was the type to want to wait till he was a lot older for marriage then we couldn't work as I am ready! So, he accepted this and we've had a pretty good relationship. He is good, kind, loving, respects me and is sweet to everybody around him. Everybody likes him. We have been speaking about getting engaged this year but I must admit - it is probably at my instigation most of the time... so yesterday I bought up the topic again and told him that I felt like he wasn't as enthusiatic about getting engaged as I am. He admitted that it isn't as important to him and that I probably think about it a lot more then he does (true). He tells me that he does want to marry me but can't give me a timeline.

 

We had big dramas yesterday and now I don't know what to do. I don't think im ready to give up on us because I do love him - lots and I do think he is worth waiting for. I've had a few relationships prior to this one and I dated other guys but I haven't felt for them what I feel for him. I don't want to look for somebody new because I doubt I'll find somebody as special as him. I just wish I could stop feeling like marriage is my top priority.

 

I've already told him that I will try to accept the way he feels but that things between us will probalby change.

 

I'm thinking that if I find other priorities such as travelling that this help take my mind of it...

 

Has anybody been in a similar situation before?

 

Any advice?

[RayKay]

I just went to a wedding this weekend for some very good friends; it was a total blast...at same time sorta hard too. My boyfriend was the best man (he was one that set them up 14 months ago on blind date in fact) and while we do have a house together, we are not yet married (together almost 2.5 years).

 

Now part of this is for reasons we chose together at this point in time, but it is still tough; and we have been going through some rough times lately we are working through (my mums illness, I left my job and went back to school full time plus working part time, he had some issues at his own work, buying a house and moving (very stressful!) but it was hard because I thought - I want that with him more than ANYTHING; because I really do know him after this time, know how we work together, know that I truly love him unconditionally and am ready to spend the rest of my life showing that and living that....but I also know a couple months ago he was feeling a bit stressed, in doubt due to various issues and so there has been a shift lately. One of those shifts that is normal time to time in long term relationships that you have to work through, but still hard when you feel "what is OUR future" since I can remember well being like this new married couple and in the same state of bliss.....we just did not get married then! Anyway, I had a blast, but yeah at times it was tough (and it did NOT help that everyone on the groom's side whom knows my boyfriend well well kept making comments to me on us being next, or when were we going to do it?! GAH!).

 

I DO think you DO need other priorities in life to not make this the end all! For myself I am back in school again (I am your age too, so it is kinda tough!), I am very involved in my training, my family, and so on.....for me it may be different as my focus is not all on marriage. It is certainly right now on my relationship as we work through some things, but ultimately for me it is about us working together, loving one another and being friends to one another.

 

I don't pressure him either though, and never have about it. I really believe that I mean if after I was done school there was still nothing, we would need a very serious talk, but I do believe he WILL do it, when he is ready to do it. Men often, though not always, see less benefit in marriage and it takes them some back and forth first. I often hear women want to get married when they meet right man, men when they are just ready to get married!

 

And I am sure he is mature, but he is still 21, and I know even though I was a very mature 21 I was myself not ready for marriage or what it REALLY was all about!

 

Anyway, what the truth is to that I don't know...though I have seen it many times. But what I will say is that it tends to be a long journey of thinking of the ramifications, benefits, purposes and compatibilities whereas I think women need to learn to ALSO do this more often rather than just say "he's perfect, let's do it!".

 

I know men whom after going through that stage of doubts and uncertainty, realized more than anything they wanted to marry their partner. Sometimes unfortunately for them the partner had already ran the other way after dealing with that but many of those couples I know are stronger than ever now and very married.

 

Bottom line is...it is good to talk about your desires, but not in a way that causes drama! You need to communicate you love him, you want to be with him....but you also want to know that you are working towards something in your relationship and sharing these goals. Then, don't pressure it. But have your own timeline for yourself if marriage is that important, that in one year, or two years, if nothing....time to move on.

[honeyspur]

I do - I'm in your place right now and my guy is the same age as me.

 

All I can do is realize that if I really want this to go EXACTLY as planned - I need to break things off with my man since I can't "convince" him of anything - he has control over his own mind.

 

In reality, I think I am expecting him to fulfill my dreams instead of living with the imperfection and learning to not be anxious about it. This takes trememdous skill - so it's no wonder I clung to the belief instead of practicing something different.

 

Now that's what I do. I practice in my mind being ok with the imperfection of my plan. I brought up to my man almost the exact same sentance - that I felt he wasn't enthusiactic and thought little of marrying me.

Although it definitely woke him up - he said the same thing your guy did. That I did think about it more and was probably more organized about it.

 

But he also said that doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married.

It took a few days for me to really understand this.

For me to expect him to have the same thought patterns, devote the same amount of time - well it just seems like a lot to ask and an indication I am not accepting him on an unconditional level.

Unconditonal love is the ultimate love and the love I want from others, so perhaps that is what I should be focused on.

 

Because of that, now - like these last 2 weeks - my guy has mentioned how he wants to marry me and we have started saving money to buy our rings.

I am very impatient and still find myself freaking out.

But since it is ME freaking out - then it must be ME who talks myself back to earth. I am still practicing - but I have faith in myself - I know I will get there.

[annie24]

Welcome to enotalone.

 

I think that his age is adding an extra layer of complications here. In addition to the normal doubts RayKay mentioned that a man can have before "popping the question", this guy is 21, and all his peers are out getting drunk and out clubbing, not getting married. So he may feel that he is not ready for that step just yet at this point in his life.

 

So now the hard part..... do you wait or stay? I know you have a "timeline" but now you have to decide how important is the timeline to you vs. this man. This guy might not be ready to marry for another 5 years. Would you be ok with waiting? or angry and resentful?

 

The book, "Mars and Venus on a Date" has a very good chapter called, "When the clock is ticking and he isn't wearing a watch." It has a "script" of sorts that you can say to your boyfriend, without pressuring him or forcing an ultimatum. I suggest you pick up the book.

 

What are your other goals in life? I think you are right, it is good to focus on those goals.

 

good luck

[JanetJ]

Thank u all for being so helpful and supportive. it really helps. I think I need sometime to adjust to what he told me and then see how I feel after that. I actually do have a copy of men are from mars, women are from venus so I will definitely look up that chapter. I will keep you all posted.

 

Again, thank you and have a wonderful day

[JanetJ]

After reading through the many threads on this forum, especially thoses of girls in similar situations, I have decided to give my relationship with my BF a bit more time. He is definitely clear about what I want but I will shut up about it now. If he truly wants to be with me he'll ask and he already knows the answer he'll get. But if he doesn't propose by beginning of 2008 I will have to end it. I know he is young but if he isn't ready to make a committment to get married (instead of just saying he wants it) after being with me for over 2 1/2 years then I think he might never be.

 

what do yous think? Do you think this is reasonable?

[anydaynow]

This is a tough situation. Taking into consideration that he is a mature 21 y/o, I'll just pretend he is your age and it isn't an issue. This may be ignoring a huge factor, but I don't want to focus on it too much, either.

 

I'm about your age, and I just got engaged to my boyfriend (a couple years older than me) of over 8 years. We are getting married in about 10 months. When I was ready to get married, and he was not, it was really tough. I think sometimes my pressing the issue really had a negative impact on our relationship. There were tearful conversations and there was some drama. Thankfully, we've always been very open, and everytime I wanted to talk about it, he would always oblige. So I'd end up hearing the same things over and over again. But he never said "not this conversation again" or "can we talk about something else?" He never avoided the issue. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but I think the fact that he was always willing to discuss marriage is key. I think some guys that avoid the issue are probably not ready to get married to that person.

 

I think your timeline is reasonable. You shouldn't tell him about it, because I think that would be an ultimatum, and I think that ultimatums are not part of healthy relationships. I do think you can tell him that you are ready to get married, and you are willing to wait, but you cannot wait forever.

 

It is really hard to shut up about it, I know. And it is so frustrating, like RayKay was saying, to put on a happy face at weddings of couples who met, promised, and married one another in a fraction of the time your relationship has been going on. It is very very hard to deal with everyone's inquisitions about your status and when it will change.

 

Think about what it might be like if in 2008 he proposes because you would not shut up about it. It will feel like the proposal was born out of nagging, and I imagine that will not feel good. I'm happy to say that I was able to let the issue of when it would happen go for a while, and really focused on other parts of my life. I was still 100% committed to the relationship, but I took a step back and looked at my life as a whole, our relationship as wonderful time to spend together, and tried to put the rush of marriage out of my mind. I'm so glad I did, because when it finally happened, it was a huge surprise. I'm happy to say now that I wouldn't want things to have turned out any other way.

 

I think you might want to pick a date for your timeline. What is the beginning of 2008? January 1st? Mid-February? After Valentine's day, in case he is planning a holiday proposal? Maybe at the end of March if your birthday is in March? I'm just saying that the "beginning" of 2008 could easily turn into the middle or end. I know it seems harsh, but you draw a line and hope that it doesn't matter where you drew it in the end, because you hope you get a proposal before then.

 

Tell yourself that this time until that date is time you will happily spend with your boyfriend, even if it means you might end up without him. Tell yourself that if that date comes, and you have to leave, you cannot be mad at him for "wasting your time." You are making the decision that it is okay to be with him until that date.

 

Are you living with him? If you aren't, I suggest you keep it that way. I think I'll get some arguments on the other side of this, but personally, I've seen guys get too comfortable with that situation, and the proposal never happens. Or, the proposal and marriage happen, but almost due to sequence of events (like, it is the next step after moving in, right?) but not due to true feelings.

 

Also, I think it is okay to talk about marriage, but not when. Like, my boyfriend was always willing to talk about what marriage would be like, expectations and ideals. We would talk about everything from where we would live to who would do the laundry. It was an ongoing assumption that our futures would be together, but a huge question of when. I think talking about the marriage helped him imagine what it would really be like to be married to me, and that helped him decide that he was ready for it.

THis didn't ruin the surprise, because, again, it was still a huge question of when, and also because we'd been talking about marriage and our future for the past 7-8 years. (Yes, we started talking about it very soon in our relationship, when we were still in college)

[JanetJ]

Wow Anydaynow - thank you for your wonderful advice. I really do appreciate it. First of all - I would like to say congratulations on your engagement and upcoming day

 

I guess I'm afraid of "wasting time" with my guy because of a lot of warnings i've received from girls at work who have spent time with younger guys and the outcome (their relationships didn't result in marriage). However, after the Easter weekend I've decided to really give my relationship some more time... for about a week I was treating my bf pretty badly - i felt anger, resentment, bitterness and sadness then one night I had a dream about him. We were split up but still friends and in my dream I just felt incredible sadness that I had let him go too early - the dream really bought me to my senses. I am going to give him and our relationship a proper shot... your right though Anydaynow - i have to set a deadline date. I'm just not sure of which date now - maybe after valentines day... give me a bit of time to think this one through.

 

We do talk about marriage and have since early on in our relationship (at his instigation) but i'm going to stop talking about it for a bit and just see what happens. We don't live together and I don't plan on living together until marriage. He has accepted this and agrees with my reasons.

[Daisymay2003]

Although he may be a mature 21 year old, he will always be 21. You guys are at different phases in life. Now if you were forty and he was in his thirties things would be different. He just graduated from high school a few years prior.

 

I'm in a simliar situation. I'm 22 and my fiance' is 23. I'm afraid of committment where as he wants to get married this summer. I'm not ready! I'm scared to death that it will fall apart. I want to continue working on things in our relationship before I jump into marriage.

 

My advice? If you really love him then wait. Let him grow up more. You can still do all the things you want to right now and not be married. So marriage is just that piece of paper right?

That's the way I see it.

 

Good luck!

[anydaynow]

I'm in a simliar situation. I'm 22 and my fiance' is 23. I'm afraid of committment where as he wants to get married this summer. I'm not ready! I'm scared to death that it will fall apart. I want to continue working on things in our relationship before I jump into marriage.

 

My advice? If you really love him then wait. Let him grow up more. You can still do all the things you want to right now and not be married. So marriage is just that piece of paper right?

That's the way I see it.

 

Being engaged means you've promised to marry someone. Why be engaged if you are afraid of commitment and not ready to get married, Daisymay? And a year difference is very different than JanetJ's situation. She is talking about a 6 year difference, where she is older than him.

 

You can do all the things you want and not be married, but some of us prefer to wait until after marriage for certain things. For me, this includes moving in together and having children. I assume JanetJ also prefers to wait until after marriage to have children, since she has already made the decision to wait until after marriage to move in, and it would not make much sense for mom and dad (being together as a couple) to live apart.

 

JanetJ- I think you've made the right decision. Try to stay level headed about things, and feel free to use these forums as an outlet to vent your frustrations every once in a while. I think these forums are good for discussing this type of issue if you are trying to avoid the topic between you and your partner. But be careful not to vent too often or take any negative comments here (like ones that view your bf negatively) too seriously. You don't want to end up resenting him. I just found this was a good place to come. I would tell myself that I wasn't allowed to bring it up and would maybe stay quiet for two weeks before I had to talk about it. So I came here before bringing it up with my bf.

 

Go ahead and make your deadline date as far in the future as you are comfortable with. Don't make it too short, otherwise you might feel like he needs "another chance" if you get to it and there are no definite plans for marriage yet.

[JanetJ]

Ur right Anydaynow - I don't want to live with him before we're married and I definitely will not have children with him unless we were married. I even don't want to take any major holidays with him (and meet extended family overseas) unless he is ready to make more of a committment.

 

I've been in a really good mood these past few days and I haven't mentioned the "M" word however I have made little jokes about "being ready" but in other contexts. I'm sure he knows what I'm getting at though... I don't know why i'm doing that - maybe to let him know that although I'm cool with things at the moment that I have entirely forgotten what i want. Is this a bad idea do you think?

[Batya33]

After reading through the many threads on this forum, especially thoses of girls in similar situations, I have decided to give my relationship with my BF a bit more time. He is definitely clear about what I want but I will shut up about it now. If he truly wants to be with me he'll ask and he already knows the answer he'll get. But if he doesn't propose by beginning of 2008 I will have to end it. I know he is young but if he isn't ready to make a committment to get married (instead of just saying he wants it) after being with me for over 2 1/2 years then I think he might never be.

 

what do yous think? Do you think this is reasonable?

 

Have you ever considered that maybe subconsciously you are the one with the commitment issue and it was safer to choose someone who would not have a quicker timeline so you wouldn't have to make a choice? What I would do is similar to what you are doing - find a deadline internally and then decide - if I knew he was never going to marry me would I stay past this deadline or go and if I would stay, how much longer. when that time comes you tell him nicely that you need space from him for three months, that you will not date anyone else for those three months and that he can call you once a month for 15 minutes but otherwise cannot call you unless it is to propose and set a wedding date. you can call it an ultimatum - I don't because your'e telling him that you won't date anyone else for 3 months - you're not threatening to break up totally. He has to see what it is like to be without you and to miss him.

[Beyondthesea]

I am engaged to a younger man, and understand where you're coming from.

My only concern though, is as Annie said...he may be too young to settle down yet. If you really love him, stay and wait. If you want marriage and commitment, you may need to go somewhere else.

[JanetJ]

it really is so hard. I do love him and really can't imagine being with anybody else. But last night it all hit me again and I was a really b%&$h to him just because he can't give me want i want right now. This morning I woke up all loving again but he's going to get real tired of me acting all !!!

 

I've given myself a deadline and Feb 28th 2008 is it. That gives us 2 1/2 years of being together. At that time if he hasn't proposed I will reassess but most likely I will be moving on because if i'm acting liking this now I don't see the situation getting any better. i just need to be quiet about it now around him

[anydaynow]

Janet- so sorry you had another "episode" about the matter! It is so hard, and I know exactly how you feel. I remember waking up the morning after a tearful conversation, feeling just fine about our relationship, very lovey, and just wishing I had been able to keep my mouth shut about it.

 

The frustrations are nearly impossible to keep at bay, in my opinion. The trick is to divert the frustration elsewhere.

 

When you are with him and you find your mind wandering into that area, actively try to focus on whatever you are doing him. Live in the here and now as much as possible.

[JanetJ]

I'm really doing my best... thank u again. it helps so much to get different views but it helps especially to hear from people who have been there. Like i said earlier, i work with 2 girls who it didn't work out for and i think that is probably contributing to my panic mode at the moment.

 

Take care all xx

[JanetJ]

GREAT NEWS!!! I backed off my younger men (with great difficulty) but put a time limit on things in my mind and HE PROPOSED OVER THE WEEKEND!!! He really came through for me.

[annie24]

Congrats!!! Glad to hear it went well!

[JanetJ]

I know! it was unbelievable. He asked me and the first words that poped out of my mouth was "are you serious"? I was totally in shock.

Thanks Annie

[veryunhappy12day]

After reading through the many threads on this forum, especially thoses of girls in similar situations, I have decided to give my relationship with my BF a bit more time. He is definitely clear about what I want but I will shut up about it now. If he truly wants to be with me he'll ask and he already knows the answer he'll get. But if he doesn't propose by beginning of 2008 I will have to end it. I know he is young but if he isn't ready to make a committment to get married (instead of just saying he wants it) after being with me for over 2 1/2 years then I think he might never be.

 

what do yous think? Do you think this is reasonable?

 

I was just wondering. Has he finished college? Is he financially independent? This may play a big role in his earlier reluctance.

[anydaynow]

GREAT NEWS!!! I backed off my younger men (with great difficulty) but put a time limit on things in my mind and HE PROPOSED OVER THE WEEKEND!!! He really came through for me.

 

I just saw this!

 

Yay! I am so happy for you!

 

And I'm also very proud of you for backing off of the issue and giving yourself a timeline. (Ha ha, you'll never have to know if you would have stuck to your decision to leave, isn't that wonderful?!)

 

I know it's been on your mind, but trying to ignore the issue for over two months and hoping that it might happen before 2/28/08... and then finally a proposal! Obviously before you expected it, since your date was still off in the future by quite a bit!

 

So how was the proposal? Were you surprised?

[JanetJ]

First of all, im really sorry for not checking back in earlier... i can't believe its been so long.

 

And to answer your questions...

 

veryunhappy12day - he has finished high school and completed a traineeship and is working full time. I guess it doesn't work the same way in Australia regarding college etc. But I do agree that the fact that he isn't earning an extroadinarly amount of money had something to do with it. However, I do have faith in him. The company he works for love him and seem willing to do anything to keep him happy so I think we'll be right financially. I too am a modern girl and am financially independent.

 

anydaynow... it was such a surprise. It was our anniversary so we had planned a nice weekend in the city starting with a whale watching cruise, followed by dinner and a 5 star hotel. He had made a few strange comments over the course of the day but I thought to myself it was probaby wishful thinking on my part. After dinner he suggested a stroll along the harbour and he was acting very nervous. We were by the water and he told me how much he loved me and how his feelings grew stronger with each day. Then he pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him (not an engagement ring but an old ring from my jewellery box). It was all very sweet After I said yes we were jumping up and down & hugging like little kids. We've chosen a ring together now and plan to marry in early 2009. Yippee!!!

 

How are your wedding plans coming along? When is your big day?

[anydaynow]

What a nice proposal! THat is cute that he had a ring even though he didn't have "the" ring. The best part is that it was surprise! My favorite part of my proposal was definitely the surprise factor. I really did not see it coming!

 

My fiance does not earn very much either, and the fact that he was a bit unsettled career-wise definitely played a part in the wait before we were engaged. Everyone always says it doesn't matter and he/she can figure that stuff out and still be engaged, but it definitely an "easier said than done" factor for most people. Anyway, like you, I am a modern girl and I am fine financially without his income, that is just gravy for us.

 

January 2008- we'll get married shortly after the new year! Our wedding bands just came in yesterday! We have our plane tickets (we are going the destination route) and things are coming along... slowly but surely!

[JanetJ]

Hi Anydaynow - i think by now you would have your bands. Hope they look perfect. I got my ring last week (the real one) - very exciting Its lovely.