It's not you, it's me

[visorguy]

I'm posting this here instead of in the breaking up forum, because I'm wondering how people cope with being dumped using cliche lines. We all know the dumper is trying to spare feelings and is being a coward by using these lines, and we all know it is better to just say "you're a wonderful person and I'm thankful for the time we spent together, but I just don't feel we are right for each other long term." Because no matter what the real reason, that statement applies.

 

So how does one cope when they feel completely lied too, when you see right through the reasons. How does one let go of the anger of having someone you loved and cared about not be honest -- and I'm not talking about brutal honesty because that could be cruel -- I'm talking about sugar coated honesty.

 

It's been 3 months after only a 6 month relationship, and I'm still struggling with the cliche and obnoxious reasons I received (pretty much all of them...I need to find myself, I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship, but please, I do have feelings for you and feel like I am giving up the most amazing relationship ever). I know she just wasn't feeling it anymore -- though she was feeling it enough to ask to be FWB 1.5 weeks after she dumped me (she's bad news and I should be glad she's gone), and I reacted to this -- and despite learning that her ex of 5 years proposed to her just before she dumped me (she said no and it had nothing to do with the breakup but she didn't tell me about it), which I also reacted to because naturally, with the lines given me, I jumped to the conclusion this was the reason for the breakup. Basically, I blame her for all my pain and guilt, and feel if she had just been honest, I would have accepted things and let them be, and most of this pain wouldn't exist, nor would any guilt or embarrassment for reacting harshly to the things that happened after the breakup.

 

I am starting to let go, but what I've learned about myself is that I expect everyone to act with honesty and integrity, because that is how I act, but ultimately I have to let go of that expectation. My story is more than just "it's not you, it's me", and I'm not looking for comments on the other aspects, but...

 

the anger is still there, the feeling of being lied to and having my love and affection abused. How does one let go? I try so hard to forgive her but it just flares up, mainly because I know much of my pain could have been averted had she been honest. And it really pisses me off.

[EvaGina]

I think perhaps the person being dumped is NEVER going to be satisfied with the reason given... and although the cliches may be over-used, it doesnt make them any less valid.

 

"its not you, its me" is one I have had to use more than once... I have/had pretty overwhelming problems, that line was absolutely truthfull, and wasnt at all my being cowardly.

[sweetheart607]

Yes agree

cliches are still valid as reasons for break ups its become a cliche because so many people feel that exact way so it doesn't mean she's lying i also think perhaps u were never going to be happy with the reason given

[Haven]

One guy gave me the "It's not you, it's me" line in the form of "I like you, but I'm not ready for a relationship right now."

 

I was depressed. I cried. Then one week later, he was in a relationship with another girl. When I found out, I got angry. I realized that he lied to me because he was a coward, and then I completely lost all respect for him. That basically helped me get over him. I just cut off contact, and I don't speak to him anymore. I don't want to speak to him anymore. I'm actually really glad it ended that early on (only a couple of weeks into the relationship), because I think it says a lot about what kind of person you are if you have to resort to lies when breaking up with someone that you supposedly cared about. And I don't want to be with a person like that.

 

Basically, I just let go by realizing that he wasn't nearly good enough for me. He was a coward.

[EvaGina]

Im not saying that he didnt lie

But he really might have felt that way

 

Peoples feelings change from day to day, especially if htey are in conflict...

[FrancisHouseman]

i think it is painful to be lied to but sometimes just as painful to be told the truth.

 

My ex began lying to me when he was dumping me, he said that he wasnt ready for a relationship, he had moved too quickly from his ex to me, he wasnt over the pain, that he felt he couldnt be the boyfriend i deserved and that he loved me as a person.

 

I knew that he had been out with someone else the night before, another girl, someone he had known for a while and i thought it was sussed tht he was dumping me the day after spending the night with her (as a friend he said!) i said to him "I don't mind not seeing you every day, if you need space you can have it, i love you, i wil see you once a week, twice a week whatever it takes. i understand that you are still hurting..."

 

yes i know, it was pathetic, it makes me cringe now to think about it but it wasnt sinking in at the time, i really thought that he loved me but that he was just scared to hurt me... how naive!

 

in the end in his frustration he said "Im not in love with you! you do everything and its not happening, ive tried, ive almost talked myself into is on numerous occasions... you could do anything and it wouldnt make me love you.. im sorry but i just dont"

 

i thought my legs were going to give way as i left the place that day and i couldnt bel;ieve it when he had his new girlfriend on his arm within two days and moved in with her within a couple of months. i cried soooo much over that guy!

 

The fact is, the lying hurt loads, but the truth hurt more, because even now years later, i can still hear him tel me he isnt inlove with me and that he has tried... that still stings.

[Scotcha]

It doesn't matter if you hear the truth or a cliche, the pain is just the same. I've found that closure never comes from the dumper, it comes from inside yourself.

 

For me, the whole, "It isn't you, it's me," and other similar words all mean the same thing. That while you didn't do anything wrong per se, they just don't want to be with you. In my opinion it isn't lying, it's tact.

[Blazer]

 

For me, the whole, "It isn't you, it's me," and other similar words all mean the same thing. That while you didn't do anything wrong per se, they just don't want to be with you. In my opinion it isn't lying, it's tact.

 

Scotcha, I think you are exactly right.

[visorguy]

Any reason is a valid reason for a breakup, I'm not going to dispute that, but if you've shared great intimacy, you deserve a WHY behind the reason. As the dumpee, you can't push too hard for it and sometimes the dumped doesn't even know. The problem is that often the dumper, when using lines like this, also say things like "if I did want a relationship it would be with you" and "please don't think I don't have feelings for you. This is so hard for me and I feel like I'm giving up something amazing." Those statements create additional confusion.

 

People say, if you are dumping, make it about you, not them. I feel it should be about the we. I don't feel we are right together. The problem isn't one cliche, it's a string of them. A string of them hurts.

[zeldrick]

Hi, I read your post and I was like, sounds familiar. Well, I’ve been through similar emotions and honestly, it wasn’t easy to get out of them.

 

In my point of view, I feel that everyone has feelings, including your ex. And saying the clichés to you, it’s just a nicer way to put accross a break up message to you, in her opinion. She has shared intimate moments with you before, and I’m sure she felt the same as you at that same moments. And surely, she couldn’t be heartless enough to forget those beautiful moments just within the snap of fingers.

 

A breakup message, no matter how hard one tries to put it accross, it’s always a stab to the heart. I believe that, like most dumpers, they’ve thought their best to put the message accross hoping that they would not hurt the ones whom they once loved, without ever knowing that it still hurts as bad with clichés or nice words.

 

It would be better if you go NC. Take this NC period to recuperate and do the things that you love. This is the time where you answer to your heart and no one else. You’re human, and you have a heart. So, when your heart is ready to face her again, then probably you can consider breaking the NC. And that only happens after when you’ve completely recover.

 

Hope this helps..

[jawinkl]

In a separation it is the one who is not really in love who says the more tender things.

 

-- Marcel Proust

[p_fred]

This sucks. I know the feeling. I think you might have been played.

 

She might have been looking for a little sex on the side before getting married and then either felt bad about it and couldn't get married or realised that the other guy wasn't really the man for her to spend the rest of her life with.

 

Run far away.. she sounds like bad news. Unless you want some no-strings-attached sex because it looks like that is what she was thinking.

[sunday13]

it was him and not me. it was not a line. i just thought we could work through it, he didn't. he wanted his pity party.