He wants it so bad...

[FallingTooFast]

fnlyfrei He's 17, he's really mature for his age, but still a teenage boy, and i expect SOME of this...

 

Scout and everyone else thanks for the insight

 

Im trying to do the right thing, but i guess I do have to think about myself before him.

 

I understand that it's a lot of stress on me, but im afraid that if I don't give in that he'll keep bringing it up.

He brought it up before and I said no, but this is the second time he's brought it up since that.

 

I just want him and myself to be happy. It seems impossible

[TheFoglifter]

Well you have a common dilemma here. As you well already know:

 

- If you DON'T give in, he may very well nag you until you react strongly enough to get him to stop, at which point he will either forget it or harbor resent.

 

- If you DO give in, then you don't get what you want, and you may teach him that you can be pressured into things.

 

Now if you have thought this over and this is something you "could" do, I would suggest doing it but asking for something equally demanding in return -- ie: make him EARN it.

 

If this is something you absolutely CANNOT do, then you have to make it clear that he is barking up the wrong tree in such a way that will stop him from bringing it up over and over.

 

At 17, I doubt this is just going to "go away". As I said before, he has a mental image of what he thinks it means, and is not likely going to be dissuaded to easily.

 

Plus, in his favor, NOW is the time to get this stuff out of the way. When you get out of college all that matters is a man's income and ability to provide -- there comes that point where the girls are all "partied out".

 

Do your best, and make the decision that YOU are happiest with. Guys will come and go, but you have to live with yourself.

[This Little Lady]

Say why with two women when you only going to disappoint them (you know how girls talk, they might question his performance) with two guys its like shift work! My guyfriend always used to say that and I find it kind of amusing .

 

You may think he is mature but in all honesty he's being immature about this situation. I consider sex to be something sacred between two people. Its a communication of love and is the body of the word. To introduce someone else to something you have shared intimately can destroy your own values of its meaning (sorry if that makes no sense). I say your doing the right thing by standing your ground and you should continue to do so.

 

If he doesn't like that he can't have it then he's going to have to deal with it and come to respect it. I've known people who have conceded to things like this and it was never good. In fact it seemed to ruin whatever innocence they had.

 

I don't know if any of this helps. You obviously know yourself enough to know you don't want to do it. Hold on to that and keep holding on to that everytime he tries to persaude you. Maybe the comment above will sway his ideas about the outcome of the situation haha.

[Scout]

I HATE the attitude so many women take that healthy sexual desire is filthy, amoral, demeaning, sleazy, and so forth.

 

Pressuring your 15 year old girlfriend to have a threesome may be healthy to you, but I take a seriously opposing viewpoint. What's more, I have a teenage nephew, and I'm pretty sure his parents didn't raise him to treat any girlfriend in such a way.

 

I strongly disagree with you that what this young man is insisting on is just normal teenage behavior.

[TheFoglifter]

My statement was intended as a general displeasure directed at the belief that any sex at all is bad.

 

I did not say that pressuring his 15 year old gf to give him a threesome was healthy or normal. If you read the rest of my posts it is evident that I have the OP's feelings and interests at heart.

 

But the boyfriend is a teenager, and don't many teenagers think they know everything? I can remember things I thought at age 17 and while my viewpoint has evolved with experience, it doesn't change the fact that he feels how he feels based on his experiences at this point.

[facade]

I think everyone here is being extremely unfair to the guy just because the thing he wants is not considered respectable by most females.

 

Well, now, this prompted me to go back and re-read OP's posts, because I was under the impression he was really pressuring her into it, which I don't really know if is the case or not. If he's just asked for it, she said no and he more or less asked her to keep her mind open to it, I don't see that as being a bad thing on him, so in that light, I'd agree with fog. However, if he is pressuring her in spite of her rebuffing the idea, then yea, that's bad on him. No means no and if he's not respecting that she's said no and still pressuring her, then I don't think anyone is being unfair to him at all. This is how date rape happens, when a guy hears "no", but insists and pressures until she either gives in or is incapacitated in some way and gives in...

[Scout]

My statement was intended as a general displeasure directed at the belief that any sex at all is bad.

 

Ok, but I didn't really see anyone expressing that belief here in this post. And to be honest, I feel your statement was actually made to express your displeasure with the female gender, as you said you "hate" how women view all sex as filthy and degrading. Do you not see how extreme that viewpoint is? About as extreme as stating men are sexual, and women are emotional. As if neither gender can be both, and individuals that make up that gender can have varying degrees of both.

 

We're just all very concerned for this girl. And you told her to get a "reality check" which inferred what her boyfriend wanted was just the way it is for someone of his age. I don't want her to think that's true, or she's going to grow up thinking men are ruled by sex and always want more than one partner.

 

Look, I'm not naive, and my teenage years certainly weren't out of some fifties sitcom. But no boyfriend ever pressured me for a threesome, and I dated some pretty wild guys! None of us were "goodie-goodies," by any stretch of the imagination. But her boyfriend honestly sounds like a creep for the way he is coming on so strong about this, even after she's told him the idea makes her uncomfortable.

 

And as a couple of other posters astutely pointed out...this guy already had his "fantasy" fulfilled with a previous girlfriend. This is his sexual preference that he is trying to force on someone else.

[Scout]

And if you go back and read the rest of her threads, this guy sounds a bit on the skeezy side. He seems to have a lot of female "friends."

[JoeWho]

Thinking back to when I was 17, I was thrilled to just have sex with one girl. lol.

 

I think this guy pressuring her to have a threesome (and he is clearly pressuring her) is just crazy and disturbing.

 

To the OP: You are far to young to be considering doing something that you are uncomfortable with. You will regret doing something like this in a few years. Stick to your guns and tell him no, if you loose him over this consider it a blessing.

[FallingTooFast]

He just told me about 30 seconds ago that he had lied about having a threesome. That he had had sex with the two girls separately.

 

Which makes me feel pretty crappy because i thought that he had sex with the other girl just as an accessory. But now there might have been something there?

 

Confused...

[ghost69]

tell him that your fantasy is to have a bf that doesn't have fantasies like this and just wants you. that ought to shut him up.

[Scout]

tell him that your fantasy is to have a bf that doesn't have fantasies like this and just wants you. that ought to shut him up.

 

-giggles-

[FallingTooFast]

tell him that your fantasy is to have a bf that doesn't have fantasies like this and just wants you. that ought to shut him up.

 

I like that idea...wow...i really didn't think about that.

Nice loophole

[BellaDonna]

From reading your other threads, this thread, and now this:

 

He just told me about 30 seconds ago that he had lied about having a threesome

 

This guy sounds like bad news.

 

Do NOT do anything sexually that you are not comfortable with. It's not your "duty" as his girlfriend to have a threesome or to fulfill all of his sexual fantasies for his sake. In fact, I'll take it a step further and say that I think you'd be much better off finding a guy who is more sensitive to your needs and who will not pressure you to do things you do not feel comfortable with or lie to you.

 

BellaDonna

[TheFoglifter]

I know its natural to say this, but "kids today".

 

I chaperoned a friend's brothers high school dance last year, and all I can say is OH MY GOD! We didn't dance like that when I was in HS!!!!!!!! It was like soul train bump and grind bootylicious meets intercourse to electronic drum and bass.

 

In my day, dancing meant we stood at fixed positions and rotated around a predetermined central point.

 

I know first hand that guys at that age are not ALL ruled by sex (I was the idiot who wanted a committed meaningful relationship, and BOY did that backfire when i think of all the fun i could have had). I maintain that this girl should not do anything she isn't comfortable with.

 

I do feel that men and women would be a lot happier if they accepted some of the traits they condemn. I feel that some men do not give women enough acceptance for their emotional needs (though they can also be physical) and I feel that some women do not give men enough acceptance for their physical needs (though they can also be emotional).

 

I'm usually a proponent of trying to deal with the situation as is. While I do believe knowing the backstory is important, I know how frustrating it is to ask a question, and all anyone can focus on is something that happened last month. I really hope this works out for the best, and I hope that she doesn't get scarred by his behavior.

[JoeWho]

tell him that your fantasy is to have a bf that doesn't have fantasies like this and just wants you. that ought to shut him up.

 

Nicely said ghost!!!

 

Fallingtofast:

 

He is trying to manipulate you into having a threesome. Tell him no and tell him your are not going to talk about it anymore. Tell him if he wants a threesome he can go find some other girls. Be firm!!!

[Scout]

I know its natural to say this, but "kids today".

 

I chaperoned a friend's brothers high school dance last year, and all I can say is OH MY GOD! We didn't dance like that when I was in HS!!!!!!!! It was like soul train bump and grind bootylicious meets intercourse to electronic drum and bass.

 

In my day, dancing meant we stood at fixed positions and rotated around a predetermined central point.

 

Yeah, I was a teen in the eighties, so everyone did the "Sprockets" dance, lol.

[TheFoglifter]

OK, I just saw the edit about him lying about the threesome. I'm going to give two opinions, independent of one another.

 

1) The evidence against your boyfriend is piling up high, and I don't think you are in a healthy relationship. While his wants may not be unreasonable (would there be any issue at all if you were into threesomes?) I don't think you are the girl for him.

 

2) This is for the future. You seem to be quite hung up on his past, and I am assuming that this past took place BEFORE you. Whether it did or didn't, as a general rule, there are going to be things about people's pasts that may affect you.

 

Do your best NOT to get hung up over something that happened in the past. As you get older, it is less and less likely that people you have relationships with will not have some kind of past. I fear that if you let it bother you, then you are never going to be happy.

[ghost69]

yeah, like fog, i thought i wanted a long term relationship thing when i was younger. and i did. trust me it was long. but when i turned 21 we broke up. (not right away after 21). just a mutual understanding of each other moving on. man i wish i could go back and have fun back then. but i learned so much from that relationship.

 

now i party.

 

but this guy sounds like a case to be detailing out what he wants.

[Scout]

At this point, I wonder if he's lieing about lieing about a past threesome, though. That's the trouble when someone lies. You can't trust much out of them, afterwards.

[ghost69]

it almost sounds like, "you know what now that we are talking about it...this one time..." geez.

[FallingTooFast]

He is talking to me in class, and he's saying that they had sex while him and his ex that he gave it up to were having a break. (She was his ex's best friend)

 

I just want to make sure im not going to have my heart broken because i love him soo much. I just want him to be honest.

 

He said he's going to tell me the whole story tonight. So I guess I'll see how that goes.

[Scout]

He is talking to me in class, and he's saying that they had sex while him and his ex that he gave it up to were having a break. (She was his ex's best friend)

 

I just want to make sure im not going to have my heart broken

 

I don't blame you for worrying. So he also has sex with his girlfriends' best friends. Geez.

 

I realize this is especially difficult for you because he's your first boyfriend, your first love. So, you want to believe the best, you want to believe in the happy ending.

 

I cannot say I feel much optimism about this, though. I would almost rather you cut things off before you really experience major drama and pain with this guy. But of course, I can't make your decisions for you. All I can do is continue to urge you to set personal boundaries of respect for yourself - and stick to them. Even if it means you have to cut loose someone from your life eventually that you care about. The pain will be there for a while, but so will your self-respect. And the pain goes away. Your self-respect never will.

[FallingTooFast]

Hes not my first boyfriend or my first love, though thats what it probably has seemed to you guys. Im sorry for not making that clearer.

I've loved before him, not like this though.

[Scout]

Hes not my first boyfriend or my first love, though thats what it probably has seemed to you guys. Im sorry for not making that clearer.

I've loved before him, not like this though.

 

Oh. Well, you lost your virginity to him, right? I thought I saw where you mentioned that in one of your threads. So, he's the "first" in that respect.