Womanisers, Players, Sleazes

[kate111]

I have been obsessing and reobsessing about the ex and I's relationship.

 

Looking back I realise that most of his friends were complete womanizers and that my ex didn't disapprove of that. We would argue abit about the morality of it.

 

In light of some of his comments, reasons for break up and porn addiction I am coming to the conclusion that my ex wants to be a womanizer and was a ctually abit sleazy.

 

Early this morning I was feeling really dirty and shamed by this, blaming myself for not recognising it and feeling sick that I actually trusted this guy. But now in light of some stuff I have read, I'm thinking perhaps this is a guy thing and I should not have condemned him so much and that all men are like this anyway (in which case Im boycotting them).

 

What do you guys think? Are most men like this? Why are men like this? Does it ever change?

 

I feel sick.

[Scout]

But now in light of some stuff I have read, I'm thinking perhaps this is a guy thing and I should not have condemned him so much and that all men are like this anyway (in which case Im boycotting them).

 

What do you guys think? Are most men like this?

 

If you continue this line of thought, you are guaranteeing yourself a lifetime of distrust and misery. Furthermore, it's a self-deception to blame an entire gender for our own choices. I am almost positive there were red flags along the way in your last relationship that you let slide. Meanwhile, you stayed in a relationship with someone inappropriate, when there were honorable, decent guys out there you could have dated.

 

I know I sound a bit harsh, but it's to keep you from going down a path you'll regret. If I had a dime for every thread I've seen on here from a man who is hateful and bitter towards women, or a woman who is raging and distrustful against men, well...I'd have a lot of dimes. You do not want to become one of these people, trust me. They are lonely and deluded and are stuck in a very emotionally immature place.

[adahy]

A lot of men are womanizers, just like a lot of women are ho's.

 

No, not all men are like that.

[melrich]

If I had a dime for every thread I've seen on here from a man who is hateful and bitter towards women, or a woman who is raging and distrustful against men, well...I'd have a lot of dimes.

 

Yes Kate, you have worked this relationship and what it meant to you over and over now. I don't think it's really helping you and I think it is time to really concentrate on getting your mind to start to put things into the past a bit.

[terk2021]

First off, I am sorry to hear that you caught one of the bad ones. You are right, there are a lot of men out there that simply are jerks (I would use more expressive language, but I am sure it would get edited out). As a former jerk, I can tell you that throughout my 20s, life was about me, and I really did not care about anyone else but myself. As I hit my 30s, I started to change my ways, and realize what I was doing to women that I dated. I could probably have been engaged 3 times in my 20s. I hold no regrets that I did not get married, but I have no excuse for the way I just simply ended relationships as they got to close, or if they started caring for me way too much.

 

Well, there is such thing as karma. I got paid back in full twice in the past 5 years. Many men are jerks, but not all of us. This is a 2 way street. I think there are a lot of women out there that act and do the same things. I found one of them who absolutely crushed me last year, and I am still paying for it emotionally, physically, and mentally.

 

I am ready to find someone to share my life with. I have a lot of love in my heart that I want to share with a woman that will become my best friend and partner for life.

 

I would say in general, it takes men longer to mature than women. Keep your guard up, but don't look at every man you meet as the next jerk that is going to hurt you. On behalf of the male species, I apologize for the bad ones out there. But we are all not that way.

 

Terk

[kate111]

This guy totally abandoned me with no explanation and left me in alot of trouble. Of course I am searching for answers. I need to know the answers.

 

There IS stuff out there on the net etc that says most men ARE like this. My dad cheated, my brother is a womaniser and the last few men I had serious relationships with turned out to be like this. Hence this train of thought.

 

If all men are not like this then Is there some way to weed out the people like this at the beginning? What are the warning signs?

[kate111]

Thank you for your insights. I hope you find someone to share your life with. Have you apologised to any of these women you ditched? Maybe it would give you back some karma. I apologised to a man I dumped years ago recently. I'm glad I did it.

 

The thing with this guy is that he led me to believe that he was happy to look but not touch, that I was special and that he loved me. He's a fraud.

 

It's really hard.:sad:

[LBP]

You know... I could say the same thing about women and their fickle nature. I've never been cheated on by a woman (as far as I know)... But I have been lied to again and again and again.

 

At the same moment, I can say I've never lied or cheated on a woman... And never been particularly tempted to. I'm also good looking, funny, articulate... Charming and cool under preasure, or so I've been told. Modest, too! ; ). Never been dumped for cheating... Been dumped just for being there, however... As have many of the guys on this site.

[kate111]

Well I am glad that it seems not all men are like that.

 

Argh! 3 years of my life lost to fricken garbage.

[Scout]

This guy totally abandoned me with no explanation and left me in alot of trouble. Of course I am searching for answers. I need to know the answers.

 

There IS stuff out there on the net etc that says most men ARE like this. My dad cheated, my brother is a womaniser and the last few men I had serious relationships with turned out to be like this. Hence this train of thought.

 

If all men are not like this then Is there some way to weed out the people like this at the beginning? What are the warning signs?

 

Kate, I feel sad for you that you've experienced so much sorrow in your romantic relationships to date. However, you have a lot of time to make up for that. 33 is still pretty young. I met my current boyfriend when I was 36, and I have never been this happy and secure in a relationship. It's a wonderful, wonderful feeling, and you know what? I give myself a pat on the back for having the good sense to recognize a decent guy when I met him.

 

Now, I've taken a look at some of your previous threads, and I get the sense that maybe you've chosen to stay with some unreliable guys well after several red flags presented themselves.

 

Is it possible you're trying to "fix" the hurt your father inflicted on the family by his cheating? And that the way you're attempting to do this is to subconsciously pick men like your father, in the hopes you can be the one to "cure" them because you couldn't "cure" your father?

 

Many of our adult patterns are based on problematic issues in our childhood, as I'm sure you know. So this could be why you keep finding yourself with untrustworthy people.

[kate111]

 

Now, I've taken a look at some of your previous threads, and I get the sense that maybe you've chosen to stay with some unreliable guys well after several red flags presented themselves.

 

Is it possible you're trying to "fix" the hurt your father inflicted on the family by his cheating? And that the way you're attempting to do this is to subconsciously pick men like your father, in the hopes you can be the one to "cure" them because you couldn't "cure" your father?

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

 

Regarding the father thing:

 

I don't know. I don't know how to change it if I am. I think these types are the only types that are attracted to me. I have no idea why.

 

Regarding the red flags:

 

Yes you are probably right. I have decided I have to learn to recognise these things. The thing is I trusted my boyfriend who reassured me that he liked to look but had no inclination to cheat. I was happy with that boundary. So now I feel very upset about it.

 

Believe it or not I chose my current partner for his loyalty, kindness and gentleness. I had been burned before and didn't want to go through this again. If you read really early posts I state this very matter of factly. I thought we had a good relationship. I was wrong.

 

I'm glad you are have found someone good. Hopefully there is hope for me.

[caro33]

Hi there kate,

 

What you are going through is normal, it's been so little time for you to work through it all, and it makes sense that you'll still be trying to understand exactly what happened. However, try not to be too simplistic in your reckoning with all this - you chose the ex for a reason, he can't have been all bad. Maybe he was more of a skirt chaser than your average guy, maybe he wasn't. If he was, and you missed the signs, just try and be grateful that at least you are free now to do your thing and to one day meet someone more worthy of you.

 

You might never know why it didn't work out, or maybe you'll have some big epiphany some weeks/months/years from now. As you know, I went through something similar to you. You know what though? I thought about it for months solid trying to work it all out, I dreamed about it, I wrote everything down etc. It wasn't until at least a year later that one conversation we'd had came back to me - a real watershed conversation that somehow in all my previous obsessing I had neglected to remember. In hindsight that conversation could have been what made him leave and I didn't even realise.

 

I've probably said this to you before, but do your best to stop your thinking for now, do what you can to curb the theories and self-recrimination. You had what you had with him, and it meant something. It doesn't need to be erased from your past, it may well not have been a waste of your time. But for whatever reason, it's not where you are meant to be for your future. You'll probably have a better handle on what happened in a while, but right now you're grieving. Be gentle on yourself and your memories of him for now if you can.

 

There's definitely hope for you by the way

[kate111]

Thank you. Your experience makes me feel more normal.

 

Just curious what your conversation that may have ended it was about.

[Scout]

I think these types are the only types that are attracted to me. I have no idea why.

 

Well, if we were to go by the theory I proposed in my previous post, it would actually be the other way around...you are attracted to these types, and the reason why is because, through these men, you want to undo the pain that resulted in your childhood from your father's cheating.

 

Just a thought, I could be way off. But it might be worth giving some contemplation to.

[caro33]

I'll PM you!

[sddeaston]

Would I be right to say that ALL WOMEN ARE HO'S, if I witnessed someone close to my heart, and her friends, engaguing in ho-ish behavior?

 

No, I would be making an EXTREME GENERALIZATION. Which is wrong. Yes, you may be right that there are men out there like this. But you are looking at your situation with your current ex. He may have been a womaniser, player or sleaze, but I am not that way, and I tend to dislike those who attempt to define all men through their personal experiences with men.

 

Women are quick to jump an a guys case who is making generalizations about women in based on a single woman they have dealt with. I have seen it on this site. One would have to be narrow minded to truly believe these types of generalizations, man or woman.

 

I like to judge people based on their character, and that is something I can not know until I put effort into knowing that person. Maybe women (ok ok...men too) who think this way have not invested their time fully in getting to know their partners before they get fully involved...? Just a thought.

[kate111]

Hold your horses. I am upset based on my own personal experiences and am posing it as a question so that I can be enlightened as to how these things work rather than stating that all men are womanisers outright.

[sddeaston]

I'm thinking perhaps this is a guy thing and I should not have condemned him so much and that all men are like this anyway (in which case Im boycotting them).

 

I was basing my reply on this statement.

[kate111]

I was basing my reply on this statement.

 

 

Yes I apologise for offense. I don't really believe that statement. In the context of my posts that does come accross I think. I did post this after the statement

What do you guys think? Are most men like this? Why are men like this? Does it ever change?

 

When you have been betrayed as badly as I have it is pretty natural to question EVERYTHING you believe in, your whole world collapses. Sometimes a way of posing a question is to make a statement outright and then ask if people agree or disagree. I think this is what I did in my post.

[sddeaston]

No reason to apologize. I just don't like gross generalizations, about anyone.

 

I do understand your situation though, and pain. I may have been a bit hasty towards an ex of mine, and in turn made a blanket statement, once or twice before

 

Just know that there are good men out there, and that is what makes it worthwhile to find one.

[kate111]

I'm sorry that came accross as a gross genralisation. I don't see life in such black and white terms believe me.

 

It's good to know there are some good guys out there. I just have to find them somehow. Perhaps I will attract one when I am more psychologically healthy.

[spirits]

 

What do you guys think? Are most men like this? Why are men like this?

 

 

From my own statistics with guys i know... approximately 1.5/10 is aiming to be some sort of low moral player. They are just in more places, so it seemed like they're everywhere.

 

it depends on culture as well.

[terk2021]

Thank you for your insights. I hope you find someone to share your life with. Have you apologised to any of these women you ditched? Maybe it would give you back some karma. I apologised to a man I dumped years ago recently. I'm glad I did it.

 

The thing with this guy is that he led me to believe that he was happy to look but not touch, that I was special and that he loved me. He's a fraud.

 

It's really hard.

 

I have apologized to a few. It was tough to recognize what I was doing back then. Why? Because I was immature and did not realize what I was doing. I really think it takes someone to hurt you as much as you have hurt someone else sometimes to realize what it feels like. I had one relationship where it really could have grown to engagement and marriage. I was just not mature enough with me to be ready for it. Do I miss her? Sometimes, but I believe everything happens in life for a reason.

 

I just hope that now that I am ready to experience love and all that it has to offer, God will give me the opportunity. I am ready for her, where ever she is

 

Most men are jerks. Just remember, we grow out of it

 

Terk

[spirits]

Most men are jerks. Just remember, we grow out of it

 

Depends on your circle of friend.

 

And we do grow out of it. I think probably at the age of 18, a lot of us took one big leap, then somewhere around 24, another big leap. Having said that, i certainly do still see a lot of immature 30 year olds who didn't take those developmental leaps, so choose wisely.