ImThatGirl Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Whew... I just typed a long post and deleted it because it was very harsh. Although I think you are deserving of some very harsh words, it's not my style. You are 32 and she is 17. Let her go. Now your words and personality and way you tell her what to do makes sense. No wonder you just started dating in December. You were 30 and she was 15 when you met!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No wonder she hasn't told her friend about you. She's most likely not on the same page as you and is ashamed to admit "I have a 32 yr old bf from the internet." I am concerned about her safety at this point. Let the girl be a teenager and go on a date without your controlling ways! Link to comment
deadxheaven Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 Age is not a factor at all. It is the fact that I would be viewed as just "someone online" by her best friend. I have already established the attitude her best friend has towards people who are online. If Angel were to meet me in person, my girlfriend assures me that there would no problem at all and we would get along. See, this is why I didn't feel this applies to this at all. For the last time, it's not a date in the definition of a date sense. It is just the term used when you accompany someone to a dance. It isn't even a dance being held at her own school. Her best friend and cousin go to a different school. Link to comment
deadxheaven Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 Whew... I just typed a long post and deleted it because it was very harsh. Although I think you are deserving of some very harsh words, it's not my style. Now your words and personality and way you tell her what to do makes sense. My words and personality now make sense? And hmm, look at you now with an automatic bias and resentment towards me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 I agree with I'mthatgirl - this relationship is not only illusory, it's most likely illegal - particularly if you have had intimate discussions with her on line - those can be downloaded and given to the authorities - and that is why she is keeping quiet about it, among other reasons. She is worried that if her friend finds out she will tell her parents, etc about how old you are, if not the police or similar authorities. As far as her decision to keep the relationship hidden, obviously it is because her priority is her best friend, not you. If she truly felt committed to you, she would tell her best friend "this is the deal and while you are my best friend, if you don't want to be supportive, I'm going to assume you don't have my best interests at heart." She doesn't want to tell her best friend because of the age difference and all the problems as well as probably because to her it's not worth it to rock the boat with her best friend over someone she types and talks to. And this way, she gets to act like a single person and go on dates with ex-boyfriends. Obviously this is not what you want to hear but if you truly cared about her well being you would let her be a teenager, date guys in her age group and reconnect with her in 4 years or so if you're both still single and available. Just my two cents. Link to comment
deadxheaven Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 And this way, she gets to act like a single person and go on dates with ex-boyfriends. Just my two cents. Wow, now suddenly her best friend's cousin who she tried once to see if she felt anything for during the course of a day has gained ex-boyfriend status? What can two cents buy these days? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Look - you're calling someone you never met in person who is underage your "girlfriend" so if I can't get straight whether it is an ex-boyfriend or a boy she hooked up with I think you can cut me a little slack. Obviously, if that's your only response I would say you might be a bit in denial. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 I hate to say I agree with Batya and Imthatgirl. Why hasn't your girlfriend told her friends about your relationship? (Maybe you said that and I missed it ... but please repeat.) The only reason I can think of is that she is embarrassed/ashamed or does not think it will last. You are more than a few years out of the high school scene, so let me tell you: girls in high school love to brag about their boyfriends. In fact, the amount of information girls that age tend to spread about their relationships is phenomenal! When I had a boyfriend in high school, I recounted every detail to my friends, and let me tell you I was not the exception. It would have been inconceivable for me to have a boyfriend and not tell anyone! So again, why hasn't she told her best friend? I'd like to add a personal experience here - when I was 15/16, my best friend and I went to chatrooms a few times and pretended to be completely different people and start online relationships with guys. Please don't take offense, but I could well imagine her and her best friend laughing at you behind your back. You don't know her, and she's just a girl! Also ... about the word "date". You may think it was just Chad's phrasing, but I can also say that in high school "date" carries a pretty strong romantic connotation. It isn't a word you would just use for lack of a better one... I think your girlfriend is going on a date, and does not care enough to clear that up. And that implies a lot about how she views her relationship with you. I also have to add, with restraint, that I have trouble understanding why you want to have a relationship with a 17 year old girl, online... and more than that, befriending her when she was 15! Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Completely ignoring the age issue here, I don't think that her not being ready to tell about the relationship is necessarily a negative indicator. There is a great deal of stigma attached to being in an online relationship. There is even more stigma attached when the people in your life are violently against even the concept of internet romance. It's not always as easy as saying "I'm seeing someone." Link to comment
deadxheaven Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 I'd like to add a personal experience here - when I was 15/16, my best friend and I went to chatrooms a few times and pretended to be completely different people and start online relationships with guys. Please don't take offense, but I could well imagine her and her best friend laughing at you behind your back. You don't know her, and she's just a girl! Also ... about the word "date". You may think it was just Chad's phrasing, but I can also say that in high school "date" carries a pretty strong romantic connotation. It isn't a word you would just use for lack of a better one... Hmm, online relationships pretending you were completely different people for laughs. Sounds like this situation one of my friends had where she went out with a guy online who ended up actually being a girl. Sad. Anyway, my girlfriend is the same as she was now as she was when she was my friend minus the infidelity and partying. The personality and interests and everything which attracted me to her is still very well in place. When our mutual friend introduced us to one another she had no idea we would hit it off as well as we did. My would-be girlfriend while still my friend struggled with her feelings for me over the months we have known one another. Yeah, that really sounds so deceptive. A "date" for the dance at a school which isn't even hers. It isn't like from then on after the dance she's going to be dating him. As I said, I was caught up in the term too. Let's just wait until my girlfriend speaks to Chad and see what answers he gives to her questions. I mean, she doesn't even speak to him that often. Link to comment
deadxheaven Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 Look - you're calling someone you never met in person who is underage your "girlfriend" She's calling me her boyfriend. You act as if the titles are not shared. Link to comment
deadxheaven Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 Completely ignoring the age issue here, I don't think that her not being ready to tell about the relationship is necessarily a negative indicator. There is a great deal of stigma attached to being in an online relationship. There is even more stigma attached when the people in your life are violently against even the concept of internet romance. It's not always as easy as saying "I'm seeing someone." Thank you. Someone who finally understands it isn't that she is hiding me because of my age. Her best friend doesn't know. Her other friends know she is involved with or likes someone. Her sisters know about me. When she calls me I sometimes speak to them and she introduces me as her boyfriend. Most of my friends are in her age group and they dont disapprove of my relationship at all. Angel dislikes people online. My girlfriend is doing what she feels best to protect us to ensure that our relationship survives. I already regret making the mistake of instant messenging her best friend one night I was worried sick and concerned about the wellbeing of my girlfriend. I took a chance and added Angel to my buddy list and messaged her with my concerns introducing myself as a close friend of her best friends. She talked to me briefly and told me she would call her to see if she was okay the following day. The next day, my girlfriend told me indeed that Angel had called her saying "someone" was concerned and worried about her. "He must have been really worried because he had the guts to come to ME about it". My girlfriend knew it was me who had contacted her since I was the only one who knew about what had happened to her which had me so worried. I promptly offered to show her the entire online conversation I had with Angel and did so. Later I learned that Angel responded to my heartfelt and sincere concerns for her best friend, however, by blocking me. I was offended and hurt and upset. The reasoning was because I was "a person online" whom she did not "know". My girlfriend does not share her best friend's attitude towards people online. If Angel is capable of blocking someon online who comes to her with good intentions wanting to help her friend... what might she be capable of if she knew my girlfriend was involved with someone online? Link to comment
sophie274 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 But if her friends disapprove of online relationships, why hasn't she taken the steps to make this a live, in the flesh relationship? When do you two plan to meet? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Completely ignoring the age issue here, I don't think that her not being ready to tell about the relationship is necessarily a negative indicator. There is a great deal of stigma attached to being in an online relationship. There is even more stigma attached when the people in your life are violently against even the concept of internet romance. It's not always as easy as saying "I'm seeing someone." Yes, but here the OP is insisting it is the same as an in person romantic relationship and that she feels the same. So, the behavior is inconsistent with believing you are in a romantic relationship. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 If Angel is capable of blocking someon online who comes to her with good intentions wanting to help her friend... what might she be capable of if she knew my girlfriend was involved with someone online? Angel might be capable of nothing if your girlfriend (assuming she was of legal age, which she is not) decided to have a backbone and make her own decisions - meaning Angel would either have to approve or there would be no more "best friends." However, in this situation, my guess is she is using Angel as an excuse because she herself knows that this relationship is illegal because of the age difference, that if you met in person there could be serious problems for both of you, and because this way she gets to be a normal teenager and date high school boys while having you head over heels for her on line which is probably exciting and dramatic for a young girl. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 She's calling me her boyfriend. You act as if the titles are not shared. No- you can call each other whatever you want - it's just a title, you can also call it lots of things that are crimes or potentially criminal at least where I am from - and those are not just empty titles. If you care about her best interests, please leave this young girl alone - can't you find someone in real life or through an internet dating site who is in your general age range or at the very least of legal age? Link to comment
TheFoglifter Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 I'm going to stand by what I said earlier, since this is obviously very important to the OP, and since he has already been made aware of the "details". Forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do is only going to create resent, and damage your relationship. Understand that she is being pulled in opposite directions by people she does not want to disappoint, and in those situations, it is usually whoever is better at guilting that gets their way. Assuming everything is on the level, this is hard enough for her. OK, you say she'll tell Chad its just as friends. If she does so prior to entering the dance, will that put your mind at ease? If that is truly all it takes to solve the issue, then thats all she has to do and the problem is solved. You however, are worried that it will NOT be just as friends -- that Chad will make a move, and she will be pressured into doing something. I repeat that all you have at this point is trust. Isn't it better to find out NOW than later on? Link to comment
tictactoe2006 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 I dunno - I am in my 30s and frankly, cannot see anything that would interest me in someone that young. Plenty of women my own age, ripe for the picking Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 hope you don't get married online. geez. 1 Link to comment
deadxheaven Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 OK, you say she'll tell Chad its just as friends. If she does so prior to entering the dance, will that put your mind at ease? If that is truly all it takes to solve the issue, then thats all she has to do and the problem is solved. Yes, it will. Link to comment
TheFoglifter Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Then it seems you have the best solution in front of you. She makes things clear with Chad, you get what you want, she gets what she wants, nobody gets hurt. The problem is if "Angel" has a vested interest in getting gf together with Chad. If gf says she told Chad, will you believe her? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 this whole thing is sticky. Link to comment
deadxheaven Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 The problem is if "Angel" has a vested interest in getting gf together with Chad. If gf says she told Chad, will you believe her? Yes, I would. She has no reason to lie to me and she didn't need to even tell me she had been asked by him to the dance. She could have mentioned to me that she was going to the dance still because Angel wanted her there. I didn't need to be made aware of any other details and sadly, I would have been none the wiser. She's not like that though. If you're going to cheat, why arouse the suspicions? I just have never been in a situation such as this before and she didn't think much of it since "he's my best friend's cousin" ... I was looking at it all wrong and handling myself wrong concerning it. She even said she's going to just spend time with her best friend rather him if she even goes. Now, if this had been some other guy (other than her best friend's cousin) and he had asked her to be his date for the dance, she wouldn't have had any problem whatsoever turning him down. In fact, she wouldn't have even had to think about that. It would have been an automatic "no". She's not trying to sneak around and go on a date with another guy while she is committed to me. This is the ONLY thing that has been bothering me about my relationship with her, other than personal business involving her self esteem and whether she feels she is "good enough" for me. A girl who is presenting a choice of whether I want to be with her or not is not someone who is online dating me and seeing me as only an online person just to pass the time with for something to do. She has a social life, she has school and classes, she goes to mall, and everything such as that. She is trying to balance her time between these things and being around for me and making a real effort to make me feel involved with her and understand I am a part of her life. We could have remained as just friends, but we both desired to take it further. The feelings are mutually reciprocated. We do not regret this decision. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 If you don't mind my asking..... Your gf is highly influenced by her friend, right? That's why she can't turn Chad down. So, what happens when your girlfriends friend talks her into going on another date and another date and wants your girlfriend to get in a relationship with Chad? Link to comment
deadxheaven Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 If you don't mind my asking..... Your gf is highly influenced by her friend, right? That's why she can't turn Chad down. So, what happens when your girlfriends friend talks her into going on another date and another date and wants your girlfriend to get in a relationship with Chad? It has never happened when she was considered to be single before. My girlfriend isn't going to allow her best friend to set her up on dates with Chad. I am pretty sure if Angel wasn't going to attend this dance as well she would have worked harder at trying to get out of it; even going so far as to making up a story that she had been grounded. My girlfriend is actually annoyed by her best friend at the moment because Angel had kept going through so many guys herself, and she is obsessed with this guy who views her as only just a friend, but she wants to make others think the two of them are in a relationship. My girlfriend finds this to be really tacky. Why would my girlfriend go out with Chad to the point where it would seem like a relationship, when she has no interest in Chad in that manner? She's going to have to put her foot down sooner or later if this type of pattern continues. Once I get the verdict on how Chad is viewing this dance, I will just go from there. It will be pretty clear to Chad he has no chance with my girlfriend when she tells him she only sees him as a friend, if he ever thought otherwise. It's not like he'd have much opportunity to interfere either since he doesn't even go to her school. She has little to no contact with him unless he would happen to be over at Angel's when she is there. She talks to him here and there online more than she sees him in person. Link to comment
deadxheaven Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 you get what you want, she gets what she wants, nobody gets hurt. And that is... Link to comment
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