PHillwife Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 I love my husband. He has been nothing but wonderful. He has supported me in all my crazy behavior, even through my weight gain lossof libido and my now new found way of eating and wonderful weight loss. As much as I love him, he loves me more. I can’t begin to match the love and affection he gives me. I feel like I should love him more and he deserves so much better. I know there is a woman out there that can give him what he needs, wants and deserves. SO how do I ask him for a divorce? It’s going to break his heart, but I know it would be better for him. We have only been married a year, but I think we may have rushed things and I feel he needs more love than I will ever be able to offer him. Link to comment
DN Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Is that really the reason you want to divorce him? I have to say that I don't understand your reasoning. You can't quantify love to that extent. Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Is that really the reason you want to divorce him? I have to say that I don't understand your reasoning. You can't quantify love to that extent. I agree with DN, there must be something else here? Link to comment
PHillwife Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 yes. I get so sad when he tells me how much he loves me. because I know I just don't love him as much as i should it feels like a brick on my chest. I hide in the bathroom and just cry sometimes. It breaks my heart, but I know he should have someone that really loves him the way he deserves Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Did you before? When you married him? Link to comment
willow2900 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 I agree with DN and Michelle - how did you get to this place? What is holding you back? What occurred that you now feel you you are less capeable of loving him? Link to comment
PHillwife Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 I thought I did. But the more I reflect, I was doing alot of what everyone expected. It was the "perfect marriage" 2 single parents coming together to make this "perfect family" and it is... buttt yet.... it still isn't fair. Link to comment
DN Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 I read some of your previous threads. You have felt this way more or less since the wedding. In my opinion, this isn't about him nor is it about the relationship per se. This is about you. I strongly urge you to seek good, professional counselling as a matter of priority. There is something going on inside that needs attention and you should do that before you do something that could make you even more sad and unhappy than you are now. Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 How would YOU feel if you divorced? It sounds to me like you're making a sacrifice because you think your husband is worth more, that your love somehow isn't enough. That to me sounds almost like a crazy statement of love, rather than the opposite. Mixed up and not useful or positive, but still a declaration of love. I think you also sound a wee bit depressed - you sound like you've had a rough time; do you think this may be affecting your thinking? I just worry that you are not making a sensible decision that you really believe in, but is a reaction to something else. What's going on in your life RIGHT NOW? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Loving is giving and if you love him, and you continue to give to him even when you don't "feel like it" it is possible your love will grow. A wise religious woman once told me - if you get up in the morning in a bad mood and you feel like you don't love your spouse, that is the time to make his favorite breakfast. The act of doing that - even if you don't feel like it or feel inspired to do so - can inspire love. My guess is you were expecting the whirlwind courtship thrill to last - for some it does (good for them!) and for others love mellows a bit and you have to work a bit at sparking things - or work more than a bit. He deserves love you are right but he also deserves that the woman who took those vows for better or for worse would work her behind off re-sparking or re-energizing the marriage if things got stale. What about you give yourself a year where you do all that giving and also go see a marriage counselor and only then "give up." Sounds like you are focusing on love as a feeling over love as giving. Link to comment
baddasslegend92 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Why don't you love him???Don't he treat you well???I mean whats the problem?Is there someone else in the picture? I don't understand when a woman have a good man they always find a way to mess it up. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Having a good man doesn't mean that you love that man. I have dated and been involved with good men who didn't do it for me - for whatever reason. Not everyone is a match for everyone else even if they are very good people. What messes things up more is marrying someone because he or she is good even if you don't love them. Here, the OP does love him she just is doing some soul searching. Link to comment
PHillwife Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 NOTHING. no chaos, no drama, nothing. We have all our bills paid, the kids are doing well in school. It's a picture perfect little life. I kept thinking this was the stress of this that and the other, but there is no this that or other now... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Is it possible that with your dramatic weight loss you are getting more attention from men now? Or that you feel more confident/less needy so that he's not as appealing to you? Link to comment
PHillwife Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 I don’t think so. I mean I am still heavier than when he met me. I’ve lost about ½ the weight. I think I just married him for the wrong reasons. I could live my life faking it, but who is that good for? Link to comment
Siriana Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Are you shure you're not depressed? Are you shure you want a divorce? Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Hmm. My guess is that you would split up and then realise the dire state of most men and want to get back with him. Maybe you should talk to him about this and try to resolve it before you think about splitting. Maybe he is becoming too reliant on you for happiness and he can fix it. Link to comment
RayKay Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 I love my husband. He has been nothing but wonderful. He has supported me in all my crazy behavior, even through my weight gain lossof libido and my now new found way of eating and wonderful weight loss. As much as I love him, he loves me more. I can’t begin to match the love and affection he gives me. I feel like I should love him more and he deserves so much better. I know there is a woman out there that can give him what he needs, wants and deserves. SO how do I ask him for a divorce? It’s going to break his heart, but I know it would be better for him. We have only been married a year, but I think we may have rushed things and I feel he needs more love than I will ever be able to offer him. I don't think ANYONE here can tell you what to do, or not do. But I will say that what we "idealize" as love is not what real love is about. Real love is not just feeling, it is action. More importantly, it is loving actions and behaviours even when we are not "feeling" it so much. It is through giving, and loving and caring about the other person, that love grows...it is not just about what "they can do for us", but what we do for them.... Ultimately though, it is in your heart what you want to do. Good luck; but I do say that since you did make a commitment to him, that you need to make darned sure you have exhausted all other options - including counselling both for yourself and together - first. Link to comment
baddasslegend92 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Yeah you dont want to fake it...Somehow you need to tell him.If a divorce will make YOU happy then that may be the best thing for you to do.No need for you to be miserable.Just know he will be hurt!!! Link to comment
PHillwife Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 I did very well for myself and was very happy on my own. I live in my own home and my daughter and I were best friends. I am happy now, except for this lingering plague of having ruined his life. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 To follow up on what RayKay said and I said about loving as giving - "faking it" is often the path to making it real again. Faking it by doing nice/kind things for him might feel empty at first, fake, weird but there might come a time where you feel "hmmm - seeing him smile/laugh/be happy was kind of cool!" If that doesn't happen - no harm done - you tried and he benefited from your loving actions. And I totally agree with the counseling idea - particularly since I bet your daughter is now attached to him and this new way of life - exhaust all options and good luck. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 i don't think you have ruined his life. i think it's mostly yours that you've ruined. you put yourself in a situation that you think you cannot make any better. you can though. and you have to realize that you can. Link to comment
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