Is being completely happy worth it?

[Lovisha]

Okay, so I am 24 years old, have two beautiful children, and a wonderful husband who is completely understanding. We have been together for 6 years and married for 4. I have always been more into women and dated mostly women in high school, but because of my family's beliefs, I always had to sneak around. I love my husband, but honestly I love him as more of a best friend than a lover. Our sex life is tolerable, but it is nothing compared to when I am with a woman. I often wonder how much happier I would be if were true to myself. He knows how I feel about women and has no problem with me being intimate with a woman on the side, but I want more than that. I CRAVE more than that. If I were to come out I know my family would not be supportive and they would probably disown me. More importantly, how could I explain this to my two very young children? I also don't want to hurt my husband, and I know he would be devastated if I left him. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. Is it worth it to lose my comfortable life to be truly happy?

[Scotcha]

I can't really answer your question. The only small piece of advice I can offer is to tell you that what ever choice you make, neither is a gaurntee of being truly happy. I suppose you are going to have to look at what each choice has to offer and determine what difference those differences mean to you.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hello Lovisha.

 

Welcome to ENA.

 

Here's MY opinon on your post. Take it for what its worth.

 

In a nut shell - Yes. Yes it IS worth it.

 

How old are your kids? - Well, that doesn't REALLY matter. Kids are SOOO resiliant. You wouldn't even believe it. I have several friends who have gay parents. Its totally workable.

 

 

 

To me, it IS as the old saying...."If Momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy."

 

 

so true so true......

 

You sacrificing your happiness will not make eveyone else content. It will actually make everyone miserable.

 

It is my personal opinion that you should have a very in-depth conversation with your husband. You will begin to resent him, its just the way it is, and then yourself and it will be a cycle in which NO one will be happy. Your happiness, even if it causes pain initially, will mean all the difference in the world.

[Clementine orange]

It sounds like you are getting a bigger "slice of the pie" than the majority of couples do already. You should be satisfied.

Beware, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence type thinking.

 

A certain amount of angst and longing for what could be is part of the human condition and it spurs the creative process.

[Ash]

It sounds like you're somewhat confused about your happiness. Are you trading off what you think you should be happy with, for what you suspect you would be happy with? In other words, are you happy now because you think you're expected to be since you have the "ideal" tradiational family?

 

It sounds like it's something you really need to consider. Can you go for the rest of your life where you are now? Perhaps you can and you will be happy. But it sounds like there already doubts in this failry young marriage. I think perhaps the mistake was made when you decided to get married. What were your thoughts at that time? Did you think you'd be okay only to discover a few years down the road that you're not 100% with it?

 

You say your husband is completely understanding. Did he know about all of this when you married? I think communicating now with him about some of this might help you figure out what you truly want. You don't necessarily have to give him all your thoughts at once, but opening a dialog might be extremely helpful.

 

Your children will likely understand things now better than they will in a few years. Now they have the innocence of youth and love is much purer and simpler. They love mommy, daddy and other relatives regardless of gender implications.

 

(A final note - that colour and font is tough on these aging eyes!!)

[AwdreeHpburn]

Minus the bigger slice of the pie comment, true enough Clementine but I'm not sure where you're going with that.

 

I think if there is something one longs for most of their life without reaching for it could lead to a life of misery and regret.

[Beec]

Minus the bigger slice of the pie comment, true enough Clementine but I'm not sure where you're going with that.

 

I think if there is something one longs for most of their life without reaching for it could lead to a life of misery and regret.

 

Absolutely, but couldn't there also be a life of misery and regret for ruining her family, betraying her husband, making the life of her children much more difficult and ostracizing herself from her family.

 

And Lovisha, personally, I think your husband was an idiot to marry you, and I also think your thoughts show a lack of you understanding of what some, like me, think what a marriage committment should mean. I would not have married a woman and let her sneak around to have lesbian affairs. But, someone in your shows should have probably never married a man and had children. By both of you making the decisions that you made, you have created a situation that will cause even more pain when and if you break up.

 

Think very carefully before you act. If you must have your lesbian loves, perhaps you can find another woman similarly situated and have it only with her over the long term. Still a substitute, but it might be better.

 

Otherwise, welcome, please stick around. You are going to need someone to listen no matter what you decide to do.

[Clementine orange]

In the immortal words of Mr. Spock (that;'s from the original Star Trek series kids) but is also a basic tenement of Buddhist philosophy

 

"Sometimes wanting is more a pleaserable thing than having; It's not logical but often true."

[shes2smart]

You sacrificing your happiness will not make eveyone else content. It will actually make everyone miserable.

 

I second that.

 

Before you make any decisions, I think you may want to have a few sessions with a counselor in addition to having some discussion with your husband. A counselor can help you sort our your sexuality/sexual orientation issues and can also help the whole family get through whatever transition(s) that may need to be made.

[AwdreeHpburn]

wow.

 

 

 

Perhaps. Esp initially. But as time goes on, like the parent who is MORTIFIED that their 15 year old daughter is pregnant, once the baby is born, begins to grow and become a part of the family's life, ALL will adjust.

 

Pain is funny that way. It hurts. and then it heals leaving us all stronger and more experienced. Are there scars? Sure, sometimes. But scars are reminders of our strength as well.

 

 

 

 

wow.

 

 

 

 

I'm sure you wouldn't. But her husband did so this is a moot point really, isn't it? This IS where she is now. She tried to do what was expected of her and appear what some people consider "normal" so she wouldn't be judged like the above comments.

 

HOWEVER, her initial feelings are still there and she's conflicted.

 

I'm just saying this because I think we should try to offer suggestions that offer solutions rather than judgement.

[agent1607307371]

I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.

 

That does not sound like a comfortable life to me. It sounds like a comfortable life for the people around you bought by sacrificing your soul.

[Lovisha]

For the longest time I have lived my life to make those around me that I care about happy, so yes I married a man even though I wanted to be with a woman and yes, I at one point believed I would be happy in this marriage simply because it is the "ideal" traditional family. My husband knew that I preferred women long before we were married. As a matter of fact he knew within the first six months or so of our relationship. I have always been honest with him, and in response to what someone in a different post replied, I DO NOT sneak around with women behind my husbands back. Everytime I have been with a woman, well for the most part it has been one woman in particular, he has known about it. I never lie to him about what I do. Maybe I am asking for too much. Like you said how can I be sure that breaking up my family will make me happy. I can't. I just know I am tired of hiding who I am.

 

(and sorry about the color! lol)

[Lovisha]

Thank you very much! You are right on the money. I appreciate you trying to see things the way theya re within my current situation instead of judging the decisions I have made. We ALL make mistakes, and I am trying to work through mine.

[Beec]

I'm sure you wouldn't. But her husband did so this is a moot point really, isn't it? This IS where she is now. She tried to do what was expected of her and appear what some people consider "normal" so she wouldn't be judged like the above comments.

 

HOWEVER, her initial feelings are still there and she's conflicted.

 

I'm just saying this because I think we should try to offer suggestions that offer solutions rather than judgement.

 

Yes, wow! My comments are more directed at her entering into a marriage that really showed her as not living and loving with courage. With regard to the one other requirement to really love in a relationship, you msut do what is in the other person's best interests, and often that means that to love you must be self-sacrificing. So, my criticisms are directed at a lack of courage in her past choices, which have lead to more significant consequences than might have otherwise occurred, and a need to look out for her families best interests. I do not criticize because of her desire for a lesbian relationship. She made choices, and those choices should have been made with an idea that she was totally committed to them. Now, she seems to not want to be committed, and seems to have hardly ever been.

 

Her husband was idiotic, in my opinion, for letting her carry on her extracurricular relationships, and condoning then as consistent with their relationship, which it is not.

 

Any choices she makes from here on out must, simply must be amde with courage and with the best interests of others taken into serious consideration. From her description, these things have not been there as she made her choices. Poorly made choices should be criticised, mine as well as anyone's. And when I do it, I criticise. Her poorly made choices have created a situation that once might have invovled simply ostracism from her family and then of a relationship. Now, it involves the mental and possibly physical health of two children, lives of those two children as they grow, decisions that will affect how they are raised and treated by many people. These consequences are a result of poor choices made without courage and committment. It should not be missing from the next set of choices that are to be made.

[mgirl]

But, how do you know if you come out of the closet that you will be "truelly happy"? That maybe just an illusion.

 

I took exactly the opposite path to what you have taken, believing that if i was true to myself that everything would work out. Well, it doesn't necessarily, as i am living testament to. When i was younger, i had the dillusion that if i was honest and true to myself, that i would be given a good life only to discover with time that life knows no prejudices, that it doesn't necessarily reward good behaviour.

 

If you are going to make the move, make sure you do it for the right reasons, and perhaps eliminate any expectations you may have about what may happen. Do it because you want to be more honest with yourself and not because you think there is something better over the horizon, because there might not be.

[Deviant_Kate]

As much as it sucks for kids to go through a divorce, it sucks just as bad (or worse) to live with parents who are miserable.

 

My parents have been married for 26 years and they've been unhappy together for as long as I can remember. ALL of their five children are MESSED UP from growing up in that environment. I have a near-crippling anxiety disorder courtesy of my parents, my older brother is a recovering cocaine addict with 2 kids he never sees, my sister just had a baby with the guy she was sleeping with while her boyfriend was in jail for drugs, my little brother is insecure and angry all the time and thinks it's fun to shake kittens like tambourines, and my little sister just had her first pregnancy scare at FIFTEEN!! I'm the only one over 18 that went to college, that doesn't smoke, that has MOVED OUT and NOT come back, and that doesn't have unplanned children.

 

We could be a case study in favor of divorce. Divorce is, by far, not the worst thing that could happen to your kids.

 

I don't know what it was that made me the most emotional, intelligent person in my family, but I also happen to be the only gay one, and the only happy one. I've been open about my sexuality to myself and my family and friends since I was 18, and it's 30 days until my 3 year anniversary with the girl of my dreams. So...90% of the happiness I'm blessed with is because I'm living the life that feels right for me, and I don't let my family or society dictate who I get romantically involved with.

 

The other 10% comes from my good grades