She wants me a little but doesn't need me at all

[boomvang]

This looks like a popular sub-forum, so I'll start here.

 

My SO and I have been together over 2 years, don't live together, aren't engaged but have discussed it. Both of us are divorced. Both of us have kids - mine don't live with me.

 

She makes a lot of money, more than double what I do. Needless to say, she is economically self-sufficient. But then, so am I.

 

She likes sex (less than I do) and so do I - we are exclusive. She owns a house, so do I. She has friends, so do I. She has interests, so do I. I have a sailboat, she doesn't hahahahahahaha... sorry, that was immature.

 

She makes it clear that she doesn't need my money. No problem. She also makes it clear that she doesn't need my house, my friends, or even my sailboat although that just part just mystifies me. All this is fine and good, but...

 

She makes it abundantly clear that she just plain doesn't need me at all. She says she loves me, says it all the time. She says she wants to have sex with me and travel with me and watch tv with me and go for long walks with me etc etc etc, but she doesn't need me, and when she doesn't want me she makes that clear too. But most importantly, she makes it crystal clear that she doesn't need me. Do I have it really good and just can't see it, or is this relationship doomed?

[JoeWho]

Its hard to tell from just reading your post but maybe you do have it really good and have just always been with women who are very needy and you current girlfriend is just the opposite. Do you feel that she loves you? If so then I think you got it made.

 

Plus you have a sailboat, so your life sounds great!!!

[EvaGina]

Its a good thing. She is CHOOSING to be with YOU, not your money or your assets...

its the best situation to be in

[ghost69]

yeah, she is just explaining that she isn't after you for anything a crazy chick would be. like your money, your assets.

[Jayar]

Yeah but if she is saying it so much, it's because she's trying to convince HERSELF more than you of the fact that she "doesn't NEED you"... Either that or she's trying to do whatever she can to make it clear she doesn't need you so you pop the damn question already.

 

It would mean more if she never said it and showed it with her actions only. If she says it so much, IMO, she's probably insecure and trying too hard not to appear so, in an effort to keep you around.

 

Some girls are natural at the "I don't need him" stuff... Some learn it. Some are in the process of learning it (sounds like she may be one of these?) Some never learn it. If she was burned in the past by falling too hard and depending too much on an ex, she's almost CERTAINLY in the learning process of being self-sufficient.

 

Money doesn't make a woman a smart lover.

[ghost69]

she could be a closet psycho and needs you more than ever. i mean, she talks about doing all of this stuff with you, but doesn't need you. i'm not saying psycho like she is going to stab you in the shower, but psycho as in really needing you.

[boomvang]

Yeah but if she is saying it so much, it's because she's trying to convince HERSELF more than you of the fact that she "doesn't NEED you"... Either that or she's trying to do whatever she can to make it clear she doesn't need you so you pop the damn question already.

 

 

Jayar, you may be wise beyond your years (I'm twice your age). I often wonder about this. In fact, I am a bit (okay, a lot) afraid to go buy a ring and present it to her because she is so clear on the not-needing-me thing, but I wonder if you have something? Maybe she acts like this to try to build herself a wall of protection in case I don't actually need her, either. aw jees I really need to be sure and buy a ring that can be readily returned or resold. This ain't no way to live, is it? I should be sure enough about her love to propose to her with confidence. This part of it sure must be easier for gay people.

[SexySadie7]

Are gay people proposing to each other and buying each other rings?

Ha Ha. Maybe she just wants you to be sure she's not using you for your money, even if she makes more, maybe she's just into you for you, not your material stuff.

[Jayar]

aw jees I really need to be sure and buy a ring that can be readily returned or resold. This ain't no way to live, is it? I should be sure enough about her love to propose to her with confidence. This part of it sure must be easier for gay people.

 

 

LOL if you are THAT confident about your future, you shouldn't be buying a ring yet. Do YOU love her? Do you want to marry her? If so, you gotta take a chance.

 

What do you usually say when she says she doesn't need you? I'd be tempted to respond with "and what makes you think I need YOU?" jokingly, of course...

[boomvang]

Are gay people proposing to each other and buying each other rings?

Ha Ha. Maybe she just wants you to be sure she's not using you for your money, even if she makes more, maybe she's just into you for you, not your material stuff.

 

Wellllll... *inspecting my nails* I AM an extraordinary lover... but surely she's deeper than that... *cough*

[boomvang]

LOL if you are THAT confident about your future, you shouldn't be buying a ring yet. Do YOU love her? Do you want to marry her? If so, you gotta take a chance.

 

What do you usually say when she says she doesn't need you? I'd be tempted to respond with "and what makes you think I need YOU?" jokingly, of course...

 

Oh Jayar, if you only knew how bad I WISH I didn't need her.

[heloladies21]

She likes sex (less than I do)

Usually a symptom that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship. If you notice the trend continue to where she wants it infrequently, then she is not so much into you and is emotionally separating from you on the way to a break up. A woman's sex drive is tied into how she feels about you personally.

 

She makes it abundantly clear that she just plain doesn't need me at all.

If she's just saying it in context as part of one isolated conversation, maybe it would be OK. Having an independent woman is something I very much look for in a gf, but she's bringing it up over and over again as if to make a point and don't ignore the subtlties of what she's saying. On one level, it's like a feminist chant that she is self sufficient. But on another level she is very much telling you that she doesn't need you on an emotional level and that is VERY BAD.

 

Turn it the other way around for a second, let's say you told her the same thing-"You're very nice and I love you..but I don't need you." Guaranteed she would freak on you and think you don't care about her. It's a very weird thing to say to someone, but reacting with anything except a defensive tone is a mistake.

 

Stick up for yourself. You want someone who wants to be with you. Do you want someone who constantly reminds you that they don't need you? (No). I'm not some naive romanticized guy here, probably a little on the harsh side actually, but part of loving someone is the feeling that you need them in your life. That you would feel wrong if they weren't there with you.

 

No matter what she says, she's not fully in love with you right now. You can get her there, but it's gonna take you putting your foot down and looking out for what you want #1.

[Jayar]

Oh Jayar, if you only knew how bad I WISH I didn't need her.

 

Hmmm... Maybe some good honest conversation? Now, if you know ANYTHING about my situation and history on this forum, it's that I am NOT a communicator. I was hurt bad about 8 months ago. And since then, I believe if something is broken, toss it... I figure I'll "communicate" and "work on" things after I'm married to someone for a decade... Not if I've been dating them for a week, ya know?

 

But in this situation it particularly hits close to home for me because I think that the way your lady is acting is EXACTLY the way I fear I will act when a guy gets too close emotionally for comfort. Once bitten, twice shy, you know...

 

And so I can also say that with 100% certainty if she is speaking to you from a vulnerable state, she will appreciate some heartfelt honesty. Try telling her that when she says that you aren't sure what she means by it. Tell her that it sometimes comes accross like she's afraid of needing you and is trying to convince herself she doesn't so that she can't be hurt. Then of course tell her that despite what she says, you hope that she needs you as much as you feel you need her.

 

If I was her, and if this situation were the case, I'd feel so relieved to finally allow the wall down.

[TheFoglifter]

... woman's sex drive is tied into how she feels about you personally."

 

I don't think this is true at all, at least not the way its presented. Plenty of women take a "been there done that" attitude towards sex. It doesn't mean they don't love the man, it just sucks for him.

 

I agree that we need more information on exactly how this is coming up. Let me start by saying yes you DO have it quite good in many respects. I can't imagine the level of wealth I would have if I didn't have a woman constantly bleeding it out of me. The fact that she not only HAS her own residence, transportation, fun money... but is willing to USE it instead of taking it from you is very very enviable.

 

You sure as balls wouldn't be able to afford a sailboat if you had to buy her stupid stuff and take her out to dinner all the time!

 

That being said, its quite an ego-bust to be told you are not needed, especially if its as constant as you said. It certainly gives you an opportunity to screw with her head by replying with something like "who are you trying to convince... me, or yourself?" You could also make light of it by saying something like "good to know, thanks".

[amtjrtcet]

I also think that if she says that she doesn't need you alot then she's probably trying to convince herself. I find myself in the same situation sometimes. I don't really "need" my b/f for anything. He's a teacher, I make twice what he does. I have my own house, car, education. I was happy with who I am before he came along, and I'd still be happy if he was gone.

 

But although I don't "need" him, I love him and what he adds to my life. Just be glad she's not needy.

[Shadows Light]

I also think that if she says that she doesn't need you alot then she's probably trying to convince herself. I find myself in the same situation sometimes. I don't really "need" my b/f for anything. He's a teacher, I make twice what he does. I have my own house, car, education. I was happy with who I am before he came along, and I'd still be happy if he was gone.

 

But although I don't "need" him, I love him and what he adds to my life. Just be glad she's not needy.

 

 

BINGO! I think this post summarizes how I feel about the "NEED" thing. I'm a strong and independent woman. I can stand on my own two feet and do not need a provider or someone to prop me up. My "X-husband" pretty much thought that I could not make it on my own. Had me convinced that in order to survive.. I "needed" him. I don't. I can provide all the basics for myself.. food, clothing, shelter. When I look in the mirror.. I am ok with me. I can be alone or I can choose to have company.

 

I guess it depends on how your GF defines "NEED" and why she is saying it. You say you've been dating for 2 years. How long has she been out ofher last relationship? and has she worked through all those issues? Not all of us recover from a divorce at the same rate. Some take years to work through it. Some jump into another relationship too quickly and the issues from our past relationship.... all the baggage we carry is carried into the new relationship. Not good.

 

Your GF wants you but she doesn't need you..... what is it exactly that she wants??? does her idea of an ideal relationship at this point constitute separate living arrangements? This does work for some people. If it doesn't work for you.... then you need to re-think this relationship and what you are willing to accept. Your GF is working her boundaries.... possibly something that she did not do in her previous relationship.

[boomvang]

Jayar, you think like a guy

 

Shadows_light, what's with all the Latin? no comprendo

 

Truth be known, I am a bit unsettled with her steadfast declarations of independence. My ex-wife was very similar in that regard and we see where that went. She was a total ball-buster with it, and sometimes my SO shows glimpses of being that way too. I don't like to think about it, but more and more I'm thinking she isn't going to be the one for me in my declining years *groan*. While I agree with some of you that it is great not to have her financially dependent on me, I think it might be nice if she was, just a little. I won't say that it would make me feel like I had some leverage... oh hell, I just said it didn't I? This can't be good...

[ghost69]

she doesn't need the monetary or material things you have. she jus wants you.

[Shadows Light]

Latin Translation

 

 

"Sit vis vobiscum." May the force be with you.

 

"nemo me impune laccessit" (no one harms me unpunished (the motto of Scotland for roughly a thousand years or so)

 

"Libera Te Ex Inferis" (Save yourself from he.ll. (Speaking to one person))

 

"Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum" (A wise man doesn't pee into the wind)

 

Comment: Is it really such a bad thing that she's self sufficient. That she loves you for you? and what kind of relationship did your parents have??? was your mom dependant on your father? Mayhap if this is the type of relationship you were raised seeing, it is the one you are most comfortable with. I would think having a partner.. a PARTNER in every sense of the word.. 50-50 would be the ideal and not such a bad deal. But then again... I am an independent woman.

 

 

[ghost69]

and if she makes more than you and you have a kid together, you can collect child support. lol

[amtjrtcet]

and if she makes more than you and you have a kid together, you can collect child support. lol

 

there you go

[boomvang]

lol, well, all i have to say to that is

 

pele mele kiki bobo

[ghost69]

what is going on here now?

[boomvang]

not sure. But it's Thursday and I can start drinking tonight.

[studbaker99]

I think the whole stress point is that she keeps repeating it over and over. C'mon, is our original poster deaf of hearing or something?

 

I'd second the idea that perhaps she's trying to convince herself more than you. But I'd be curious to hear how you react to when she says those words.