finalcloud13 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I told my ex I was gonna do NC in an e-mail, and she replied. She told me she was happy with her love life right now. She said usually her interest in someone dies down after a month - a month and a half, but exceptions are her current boyfriend and I. But then she said she realized she was using me to get over her ex, who she is back together with now, and that she's sorry. She also told me about something that I once told her, that I would always love her. She said in the e-mail that she really wants me to prove it. Needing to clarify on this before I did NC, I messaged her asking her why. Her: not tellin u to love me forever or prove to me that u will love me forever... but b4 wen we will still in a relationship i wanted u to prove that to me Me: I'm just wondering why it matters to you. If you can't like me back then there's no point to it. Her: there is.... Her: well was... Me: What is it? Her: i thot i wanted to b in a relationship where i m the one bein loved, and the person i love will always love me more than i love them Her: so that way, i kno i will always be in their heart Her: cuz if u do prove to me ... i will eventually fall in love with u. and i mean really. Her: theres no point of sayin anythin right now. i just want u to b happy, i m sry for bein selfish and jealous. u can hate me from now on Her: i just wanna say i m sry for askin so much Then I asked her honestly if she thinks there is a chance for us in the future. She could only say I don't know. So I'm not confused, but I really want to do things right at this point. If I prove to her I will always love her... she will eventually fall for me, or so she says. Now how do I do that? Just stay good friends with her and always be there for her? Link to comment
isidore Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 She tells you she was using you? Then she says you have to prove you love her? Sorry, but please jump out of the plane because it's about to hit the mountain! There are less twisted versions of relationships out there to be had. Prove to someone who's worth it that you love them. Don't endure anymore of this torture. Good luck. Link to comment
Dako Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 People don't love you just because you love them. You can't make someone really love you. It has to be a mutual feeling to be the big deal we all want. If some woman absolutely loved you, but you felt nothing, what would you do? Ask her to prove it so you might decide to love her? She's bargaining with you about something she can't control. If we could turn it on or off, it'd be a different world. Not only is she not for you, but she's dishonest. Link to comment
blender Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Her request is selfish and immature. Please don't lower yourself to "prove anything".. all you have to say in a kind confident way is: "I do love you, but if you are not willing to make a committed intentional effort to be with me as a couple, then I'm sure you can understand that the privilage, honor and knowledge of my heartfelt thoughts are no longer respectfully any of your business". This is the classy, mature, confident, self respecting boundary to establish on your own heart, and life. No one should demand your "proof of love"... that's not love, that's an ego-power struggle... be careful not to confuse her asking about this as "love".. it's not... Because authentic, mature, realistic LOVE is a sharing of happiness, values, standards, in a committed loyal trustworthy relationship... so sure you can still "love who you hoped she could be"... but who she is revealing herself to be is probably quite different than who you would desire in a wife, or partner... You have to respect and value your own heart first, that is the only way she or anyone else ever will... She needs someone who will tell her the truth, and set some self respecting boundaries, she will be draining you emotionally for a long time if you choose to ALLOW this to happen... Instead don't be afraid to SET some value and standards for your own heart... it is the ONLY way she will ever have the opportunity to take you seriously, and if she doesn't.. well then that says SO MUCH MORE ABOUT HER, then it ever will about you.. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 HA what a tart... she jsut wants you to revolve your life around her, she wants you under her thumb. Keep up NC, you dont need a head-case like that manipulating you. Link to comment
finalcloud13 Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 I don't know why, but after the last conversation I had with her, I am not feeling down anymore. I mean, before if I talked to her I would get sad but I didn't this time. I still like her, but I unusually didn't get down talking to her, even when she told me how happy she was with her new guy. I also wished her happiness and luck with her current guy. So do I still need to NC? NC is to help you stop going crazy over the loss of your ex right? Link to comment
finalcloud13 Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 I have something to ask. As people and human beings, is it wrong for us to pursue a relationship where the majority of the love is one-sided? For example: A. You really like someone but they don't like you as much. B. Someone really likes you but you don't like them as much. C. You both like each other the same, any amount. Is C the only one worth staying in? Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 I wouldn't say C is the only one worth staying in. I've been involved in situations where the love was one sided, where I liked a guy much more than he liked me. We were friends and at the end, the friendship was MUCH more worth it then trying to fit a square peg into a round hole of a relationship. Sometimes the best things in life require sacrifice. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 yes, C is the only once that will work in the long run, imo assuming the partners dont grow to love each other the same amount but then, how do you measure love? Link to comment
LostLoveinLosAngeles Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 You cannot measure love. Every persons love is different. I know my ex-ex (my current girlfriend) Does stuff for me that I do not do for her, but I do different things that she really loves. As long as the love is being reciprocated than your cool. Link to comment
finalcloud13 Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 Got another question, this time about 2nd choices, AKA backups. Okay, first of all, I know no one likes to be a 2nd choice. However, has anyone ever liked someone so much to actually have been the second choice knowingly? Has anyone ever turned out good with their gf even though they were a second choice? I mean, if I was a second choice, but got together with the girl anyway and it turns out that the girl grows to love me more than she did her first choice, I'd be proud of myself. Even though second choice is not good to start with, it can turn out good, no? It's very complicating to me. Like, say A gets dumped by B. A sometime later gets together with C. A likes C, but not as much as B. Isn't C technically a second choice then? In other words, if A could still be with B, A would, but since A can't, A is with C. And A and C turn out to be happy together. Doesn't this happen in the real world? Link to comment
Dako Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 If I really loved someone, and I was the second choice, I'd want her to have the guy she wants, or someone she wants that much. Not me. I'm talking love, not ego. Link to comment
LostLoveinLosAngeles Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 No you cant do that big pimp. Actually you can do whatever you want. But honestly you are not being fair to B or C. Some people with low self-esteem keep two partners just in-case they get dumped or B cant see them they have C to run too. While I don't agree with that. You can do whatever you want, and to answer your question YES YOU CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH MILLIONS OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE its all about finding the right one and make yourself and your SO happy. Alot of dumpees forget the fact that no one holds LOVE. You can and will find someone else you may not want to but eventually you will. You can't hold a gun to the ex's head and say "GET BACK WITH ME OR ELSE". Take the time and love your self. I say dont be in a relationshop that you feel you having to be cheating bastard in. Be single then do whatever you want. Link to comment
finalcloud13 Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 If I really loved someone, and I was the second choice, I'd want her to have the guy she wants, or someone she wants that much. Not me. I'm talking love, not ego. You're right. If I really love someone, I should be able to be okay with whatever makes them happiest, even if it's loving someone else. What is one feeling then, if they want someone to only love them? No you cant do that big pimp. Actually you can do whatever you want. But honestly you are not being fair to B or C. Some people with low self-esteem keep two partners just in-case they get dumped or B cant see them they have C to run too. While I don't agree with that. You can do whatever you want, and to answer your question YES YOU CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH MILLIONS OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE its all about finding the right one and make yourself and your SO happy. Alot of dumpees forget the fact that no one holds LOVE. You can and will find someone else you may not want to but eventually you will. You can't hold a gun to the ex's head and say "GET BACK WITH ME OR ELSE". Take the time and love your self. I say dont be in a relationshop that you feel you having to be cheating bastard in. Be single then do whatever you want. o.o If you think I am A, I'm not... I just wish I could be the C. And another question. Does being friends after a breakup guarantee no reconciliation? Link to comment
Dako Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 What is one feeling then, if they want someone to only love them? Longing, a pretty serious ache, isn't it? I think parting as friends gives you a better chance than as enemies. Link to comment
finalcloud13 Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 I think parting as friends gives you a better chance than as enemies. I meant for reconciling, do people that NC usually end up getting back together compared to people that remain friends with the ex? Link to comment
in_love Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 I meant for reconciling, do people that NC usually end up getting back together compared to people that remain friends with the ex? People who loved each other genuinely and had no REAL problems have a good chance of meeting and getting back together again. No Contact, Contact, Emotional Venting after the break-up, saying and doing all manner of stupid things.... ....dude, it doesn't matter in all honesty what you do! If the love was real, you both truly were a good couple and IN LOVE with each other, and the break-up was due to some feelings the dumper felt (at that time) and decided they needed out for that particular moment in their life, then mate... these scenarios can and often do work out for the better. Just chat around with people, not just on the boards. I've met 6 different people over the last 4 mths out of which 4 are back and STILL with their ex. My friends TWO sisters, weirdly, separated from their men... one is back with him and she did everything wrong after the break-up. The same guy, his parents both broke up for 1.5yrs, got back again married and had him. It happens all the time, every hour of every day. Love is what is important. Doesn't matter a hell what ya do or say or don't do or try. If the love was real and the relationship really wasn't that bad, it seems, more often than not, it works out! Link to comment
finalcloud13 Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 Thank you for the reply. I understand a little better now. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 My opinion: if we REALLY love someone, we don't use the silent treatment to get them to crack, we respect their decision to move on and we wish them well. That is, if we want to be men about it... Link to comment
LostLoveinLosAngeles Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 My opinion: if we REALLY love someone, we don't use the silent treatment to get them to crack, we respect their decision to move on and we wish them well. That is, if we want to be men about it... Exactly. Nice post. Thats all it is NC is for people who get to emotional and cannot stop themselves from acting out. If you are in control and can respect the person needing the space then you are fine. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 NC is for people who get to emotional and cannot stop themselves from acting out. If you are in control and can respect the person needing the space then you are fine.A lot of people don't like hearing that (including me, once upon a time), but I could not possibly agree more. Link to comment
LostLoveinLosAngeles Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Yeah its funny man. When me and my girlfriend separated I didn't really listen to a word she said. I felt I had to really make an effort to get her back, when all I needed to do was just accept what she was saying. It's a hard thing to do but love doesn't die out so easy its a tough thing. She started to call me, I made her laugh, we've had our ups and downs. But I'm still with her because I know a relationship is effort and hard work. Link to comment
finalcloud13 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 So all in all, we must not be controlled by our raging emotions and try to listen to and understand our ex? Link to comment
LostLoveinLosAngeles Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 So all in all, we must not be controlled by our raging emotions and try to listen to and understand our ex? Yep that simple. If she loves you she will try eventually my man. 1 Link to comment
finalcloud13 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 Yep that simple. If she loves you she will try eventually my man. Okay, thanks for all of your help. Thank you everybody that replied. Link to comment
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