I really need some perspective. Seriously...

[Empathy]

This is a conversation I just had with a friend of mine. I'm in black he's in blue. I figured you could get most of the whole picture better this way.

 

 

 

 

2 months into a relationship, when a guy tells you that they don't care for you as much as you care for them and they don't see themselves ever reaching your level, does that usually mean there is no chance they ever will?

 

Can guys gauge their feelings like that so soon?

 

of course

 

sorry i was away

 

No, its fine.

 

He gave me the option to stay with him on the small chance that his feelings might increase.

 

not likely.

 

Or to sever it now so that the pain won't be prolonged.

 

I didn't have the will power to take the latter.

 

its a better choice

 

[and you know it]

 

But after we had our talk, and I was delirious from lack of sleep, I asked him if we'd gotten anywhere.Hhe kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear, "we made progress."

 

What did that mean?

 

i dont know babe

 

What does it sound like?

 

could mean a few things. could mean he likes you more. could mean that yall have made progress in that yall are communicating now

 

I actually made him cry last night. Something he never does.

 

I keep thinking that maybe he cares for me more than he realizes.

 

But is it more likely that I'm just deluding myself?

 

it is possible you are seeing only what you want to see

 

I just care so much for him already and I don't want to let go.

 

I've always been one to hold on to that miniscule chance.

 

you said the same thing 2 days after you met him

 

No, I didn't.

 

may i be a bit harsh?

 

Go for it.

 

i think you have been very lonely and by yourself so long, that you have latched onto the first guy thats paid you attention.

 

HAHAHA!

 

Are you serious?

 

luckily, hes a pretty nice guy

 

Do you know how many guys have paid me attention over the past 2 years?

 

no

 

He's the only one that has caught MY attention.

 

I had so many to choose from, but I chose him.

 

No one else did it for me.

 

well, guess ill get rid of that theory then

 

 

 

So, he'll probably never feel strongly for me then?

 

i cant honestly say. but i will say that if hes told you this directly, then yes.

 

a guy would never let down an emotional barrier like that unless he was very serious

 

So...since I chose to stay, that means I'm in for a whole world of hurt in the end...right?

 

quite possibly. the thought that the entire time you were wasting your life with someone that didnt want you.

 

okay, im sorry, that sounded REALLY harsh

 

didnt mean it to

 

No, it didn't.

 

ive ended a few of my relationships on happy notes. in fact, the last 4.

 

This wouldn't be on a happy note.

 

I'd be torn up about it for a looooong time.

 

i meant happy between you and him

 

I already have the feelings that presage love.

 

i can tell

 

And they're real.

 

I think these feelings are more real than I've ever experienced.

 

Because in my last relationship with "jack", I had lust confused with love.

 

aye, that can happen

 

The more sexual we were, the more I "loved" him.

 

But with "bob", we don't have sex often at all, and I can feel my feelings for him getting stronger.

 

Although, I do know that in the end, with "jack", I truly did love him.

 

hes a good guy. a bit of the "inside" type, but i approve of him.

 

Right now, it feels as if I want him more than anyone I've ever wanted in my life.

 

i know that feeling

 

is there a deep-rooted thought that its not going to work, that its a bad idea, that sort of thing?

 

Of course.

 

At this point I know that it won't work more than I feel it could.

 

never ignore those deep feelings

 

I'm not ignoring them.

 

I just want him too much to act on them.

[Batya33]

Basically, he is telling you so that if things don't change he doesn't have to feel guilty if you get emotionally attached. What I would say is "thanks for sharing - I am looking for someone who sees potential and if you don't then we're probably not a match. If you change your mind you can contact me and if I am interested and available I will consider it - but please don't contact me otherwise."

 

The other issue is that he probably feels like you got attached from the early sex. Given what you said about confusing lust with love in the past, maybe it's better next time to wait at least a few months before having sex and until both of you have decided that you want to be exclusive and that the relationship is serious and headed in the right direction.

[thyroxine]

This honestly sounds like a conversation between my best friend and I last year. I fell in love (I still consider it that) very early on, but the guy didn't. It was very rough and we went back and forth with dating. The thing that caught my eye was this part of your conversation:

 

"i think you have been very lonely and by yourself so long, that you have latched onto the first guy thats paid you attention. "

 

This sounds like something I would have said...also your reply to that statement also sounds like something I would have said. Just be careful and put a little more faith into your friend's observations.

[blender]

Just hear him clearly, he's said that for right now he does not "feel the same way for you".. so the only self respecting thing to do is to "accept" this and then set a standard and value for your own heart by telling him: "As much as I'd like to stay in contact, the fact is I want more from a relationship then just "maybe my feelings will change" that's not enough for me to stay in a self respecting way, so if in time you "discover authentic feelings" for me then you may contact me, if not, then I hope you can understand it is healthiest, and best for me to move on".

 

This is living in the truth.. and it also allows him the opportunity to discover any authentic feelings he may have.. if you stay the way things are now, you are simply lowering the standard/value on your own heart, and in the long run he will do the same, because unless you set some respectful emotional truthful boundaries on your own heart, this guy never will... why would he? He won't have to, if you allow him to be in your life in a "casual maybe sometime in the future' type of way.. by staying in contact with him while he sits on the fence... you're only helping him balance on that fence, and he won't have to jump down on either side of it where you are concerned... right?

 

So try to remember that unless a man is making a clear intentional exclusive committed effort to be in your life in a full, loving, loyal, respectful, committed way, then he is no longer worthy of your hopeful energy, but he is worthy of your self respecting honesty to set some boundaries, guidelines, values and standards for your OWN heart by telling YOURSELF "unless he is intentionally in my life out of committed love for me, there is no healthy self respecting reason for me to stick around and be hopeful.. no thanks, I love and respect myself too much to allow that.."

 

If he ever discovers that he wants to make a committed loving effort to be in a couple with you, he knows how to contact you..anything less..will always be "less".. and THE FACT IS YOU DESERVE MORE FOR YOURSELF.... so don't put too much of your precious heart and energy into a deep well that only has "water" once in awhile... it will only leave you feeling more thirsty as times goes on...

[isisastaria]

I love it when people give their honest opinion. Even if they're dead wrong, it doesn't hurt YOU any since you know it. Make sense?

[Empathy]

It doesn't really make sense... Can you be more explicit, please?

[blender]

Maybe I can answer "why it makes sense" becuase when we accept the truth, we can let go with love and heal. The man said to you clearly that he does not want a committed loving loyal relationship right now.. and it's not healthy or self respecting for YOU to stick around in "hope" that he "might" change his mind.. you're not "auditioning" for him, you care for him and you have deep feelings and hopes about him.. and yet he does not "share" these sentiments..

 

so in "accepting this truth" you can let go, and give him the opportunity to miss you, discover any authentic feelings he does have, or not.. and if he does, then he knows how to contact you, and if he doesn't then thank god you didn't spend any more energy, or your hopeful heart in compromising your own self respect by hanging around a well that only gives you a few drops of water once in awhile, and your thirst builds continues to build till you are so thirsty you lose your own sense of self and strength and then you are "afraid to leave the dry well" because you've lost your way....

 

Take care of you right now, start no contact with this guy, it's the best most healing attractive thing for you to do.. and yes it's the most difficult thing to do, but the "right" thing to do usually is the most difficult... right?

[Aleadragonhawk]

Quick reality check. You're only two months into the relationship. There isn't that much invested by this point, and he's saying that he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him and he doesn't think he will. Leave.

[blender]

yes, that's the truth.. aleadragonhawk, said it short and sweet.

[isisastaria]

Sure! Let me explain:

If someone says something, and they are completely honest...good for them! Let's say they are dead wrong and totally off the mark. So then it won't affect you at all. You will say to yourself,"Oh well...whatever". If they are right, and you are just in denial...it will make you so mad because you know it's true!

 

If I called you a blue frog would that insult you? No? Why not? Because you know you aren't a blue frog. So you would give me a weird look and move on. If someone says something that really hits home, people react and get angry mainly because they really believe it.

 

So my point is, we need as much honest feedback as possible. If it's not true...we would just give them a polite "'thank you " and move on, right? Does that make more sense? please ask more questions if need be. I've rambled...

[Empathy]

Quick reality check. You're only two months into the relationship. There isn't that much invested by this point, and he's saying that he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him and he doesn't think he will. Leave.

 

 

I understand that its only been 2 months but there is a reason why I've found myself caring so much for him in such a short period of time. He's the first person that has made me forget about the pain of losing my ex in 2 years. I went 2 years of agony and when I found him he was like the antidote. No one has been able to do that and I don't want to lose it. I suppose I put him on a pedestal because of it. But its hard to bring him back down. He's done more for me than most people can realize. Thats where my feelings come from. He's changed my life and made it lighter...until now of course.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Have you considered potentially looking into counseling for the pain you've been going through? Relying solely on another person for your mental health isn't healthy. I know, I've been there.

[Batya33]

I understand that its only been 2 months but there is a reason why I've found myself caring so much for him in such a short period of time. He's the first person that has made me forget about the pain of losing my ex in 2 years. I went 2 years of agony and when I found him he was like the antidote. No one has been able to do that and I don't want to lose it. I suppose I put him on a pedestal because of it. But its hard to bring him back down. He's done more for me than most people can realize. Thats where my feelings come from. He's changed my life and made it lighter...until now of course.

 

That's not a healthy foundation for a relationship - looking to someone else - particularly someone you don't know well - to be your antidote as you put it - my guess is he got overwhelmed by being put on a pedestal as in "don't walk behind me, I may not lead . . . just walk beside me and be my friend." It is not his fault that you chose to get involved for the reasons you did - not from a position of strength and confidence but a position of neediness - wanting someone to take the pain away. That's too much to expect from a boyfriend, particularly a new boyfriend.

[Empathy]

That's not a healthy foundation for a relationship - looking to someone else - particularly someone you don't know well - to be your antidote as you put it - my guess is he got overwhelmed by being put on a pedestal as in "don't walk behind me, I may not lead . . . just walk beside me and be my friend." It is not his fault that you chose to get involved for the reasons you did - not from a position of strength and confidence but a position of neediness - wanting someone to take the pain away. That's too much to expect from a boyfriend, particularly a new boyfriend.

 

I'm not blaming him for anything. I never gave any indication that I thought he was at fault for any part of this. If anything, I appreciate his honesty. I also didn't go into this relationship expecting him to be the "antidote." It just happened. I'm sure that none of you intend to come off as being harsh, but I sort of feel as though I'm being attacked here. I know that my feelings are not rational. But I can't change the way I feel. If that were easy for anyone to do, then 95% of us wouldn't be here.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think people are just trying to help you avoid getting hurt more in the future by warning you that if there is a big discrepancy in feelings (i.e., you love him after 2 months, and he is saying, ummm, not really, and probably never will), then continuing on with him may not be the healthiest of choices for you.

 

i think you should focus on the fact that he himself is warning you off, basically telling you that he can basically take it or leave it, and doesn't see any long term potential, while you are thinking he is the answer to his prayers. that is not to put down your feelings at all, you feel what you feel, and it would be great if HE felt the same way, but it doesn't sound like he does.

 

so you really need to hear what he is saying, which is that he doesn't feel all that much, and is admitting to you he probably won't ever feel more...

 

all of us deserve someone who loves us in a way that means they will never want to leave us, and certainly won't risk letting us go, as he appears very willing to do at this point because he is in the 'i can take it or leave it' mode...

 

so if you want to spend some more time with him, that is ok, but i'd put some serious checkpoints into the relationship. by that i mean, touch base with him in another month, and see if his feelings towards you have improved. if he's still in the 'take or leave it' mode in another month or two, i'd throw in the towel because then you are just hanging on to someone who might just be with you as a stopgap until he finds another woman he likes better, or one he sees a better longterm potential with.

 

and the more invested you are in him and the relationship, the more that is going to hurt. but if you are willing to take a chance, with your eyes fully open to the fact that he's warned you he's not that into you, then go ahead, but try not to get too hopeful until he's shown you that he really has changed his mind about your long term potential for him.

[Empathy]

I also want to make it clear that I DO NOT love him. lol. I said that I had feelings that presage love. Meaning I have the foundation; that love will be possible in the future. Bestrongbehappy, everything you're saying expresses other underlying feelings concerning this situation. Especially this

 

someone who might just be with you as a stopgap until he finds another woman he likes better, or one he sees a better longterm potential with.

 

I've actually asked him if that might be a possibility and, of course, he denies it. Its still a fear of mine.

 

I appreciate ALL of your responses. I guess I just need to see it as a little "tough love."

[blender]

Try not to fear the future, his or yours... the best is ahead of you, not behind you, he was meerly a "speed bump" in your life, one that caused you to slow down a bit, enjoy some scenery, and now it's time to grieve the loss of your marriage, it seems you were still so sad about it even when you met this guy.. so you are probably having some "heartache" that includes other losses in your life... and it's all being attached to this guy...

 

Your feelings are real, and yes it's very tough to "change all the dreams and hope you've attached to this guy"..but you can change your thought pattern.. you do have a choice.. because as it is said: "In life heartache is inevitable but suffering is a choice".

 

Yes, you did put so much "hope and dreams" into the "potential" with this guy, but those are "feelings"... try to start looking at the "facts".. it will help alleviate your desperate longing if you can separate your "feelings from the facts"..

 

we've all been there, it's difficult, but when someone is not willing to make an intentional loving effort to be in your life in a loving respectful loyal committed way, well then it's important to say to yourself: "he's not the guy for me"..

 

because YOU deserve a man who even after two months will, at the very least, "make a choice to put in a willing effort to build more of a relationship".. and the FACT is right now this guy is just incapable of giving you what YOU so rightly deserve. He's said so himself... but do NOT take this "personally" it's just where this guy is emotionally right now in his life.. so "start no contact" so you don't "associate yourself" with trying to invade on his space.. he's not ready..it'll only make him pull further away.. and anyway, you deserve someone who is ready.

 

There's no blame, there's no one "better" than you.. he's just "not willing or ready".. so the most powerful, attractive, healing thing for you to do is to "let go, maintain no contact" get back to trying to "love yourself first".

 

get some therapy to help you through those "feelings of loss", it's an emotionally difficult time for you, but you have the courage, the strength, to rise above this, to know that you are worthy of a wonderful, kind, respectful man who is MAKING AN INTENTIONAL LOYAL EFFORT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE.. anything less..is "less"... and you deserve so much more.

 

So instead of "fearing that he might meet someone else"... stop thinking about HIS future, and start embracing and celebrating YOUR future, with "acceptance" you will heal, grow, and move on to a better, more fulfilling love.. it's waiting for you....

 

so try to stop looking in the rear view mirror, it will only cause you to emotionally crash.. instead grab hold of the steering wheel of your life and look straight ahead, and you'll be surprised what wonderful miracles and love and on that road, which FATE is nudging you towards.. even if it has to do so by "using heartache" to get you there.. you're on your way to better things.. and a better, more independent you.

 

Be proud, you will get through this, you're strong, and you should not waste your energy, mind, or heart on any man who is "not sure" about what he "might" want in the future, and who has said he doesn't have "those feelings" for you.. let go and let god. cry, vent on here, embrace your heartache, learn from it, you're going to be okay...even better.

 

All the hopes and dreams you attached to this guy, are still very much alive, they are YOUR hopes and dreams you get to take them with you.. and you will find a man who shares the same hopes and dreams...

[RayKay]

I know it seems people are being harsh...but I think they are telling you the honest truth...that when someone says they can't see falling for you, they mean it.

 

My ex told me the same things about 6 months into our relationship. I too thought well "there is still HOPE there, right?". It did not feel any better a year later when he broke it off because the feelings had as he said, never grew into what he needed and I needed them to be...I could of saved myself a lot of heartache and pain if I had walked away as soon as he let me know he was not going to be into this relationship for the long run.

[Batya33]

Sometimes, however . . . I know of a few examples where that was said, the woman walked away completely, and the man came back when he realized how much he missed her and wanted to be with her. In one case, they've been married 15 years, in another case, one year.

[RayKay]

Sometimes, however . . . I know of a few examples where that was said, the woman walked away completely, and the man came back when he realized how much he missed her and wanted to be with her. In one case, they've been married 15 years, in another case, one year.

 

True, I know one couple where that happened and he came back a few months later and they were married the next year.

 

You never know. But I do know you cannot set a dangerous precedent as you are and "settle" for less before you even start...

[Batya33]

That is true. I gave a man his walking papers at 4.5 months when he said that to me (two weeks earlier he had said he wasn't there yet but to give him more time - I decided, internally - to give him 2 more months at the most - two weeks later he ended it but it was ok as I had already started distancing myself).

 

The two "ps's" to that are: he continued to call me for about two more months apparently for booty calls mostly (which I declined - well, I went to see him twice, kissed him once but then put a full stop to that), then he married 1.5 years later and I just heard from him, strongly suggesting that he is very bored . . . . (hopefully my silence in response suggested that he should look elsewhere. .. .).

[blender]

Batya33, thanks for sharing that for everyone here, it's a wonderful example that it wasn't 'you" whom he left, he was running away from "himself" and apparently still is...like most people who get stuck in that "life pattern" of thinking they haven't found the "right" person, when the truth is they need to BECOME THE "RIGHT: PERSON themselves first before being able to respsectfully completely love another...

 

so good for you, and yep, now he's married, and yes "he is bored" because no matter who he is with, he will always eventually run into himself...and that's BORING.... so he seeks "adventure, newness" because he never does the self work invovled to be a strong, committed, loving, sincere, mature man"... I'm sure you are grateful now that YOU are NOT HIS wife...ugh...and he's not calling an ex behind your back... yuk, no matter where HE goes, there HE is.

[Batya33]

Well, it's funny - my point was not to say it wasn't me - I have a strong enough "ego" and sense of self esteem to be ok with a guy "just not being that into me." I still think he just wasn't that into me - that even if he had made himself the right person I probably wouldn't have done it for him - and I am ok with that. It is a little ironic, the "I'm bored" email. Very (very!) proud of myself for not responding to that email!!

[blender]

Yes, thank god you had the self respect to not respond, and you also show respect for "marriage" in general, no woman would want an ex responding to her "less then honest" husband.. so it's good you didn't help support his "life pattern" by becoming a part of it... good for YOU.. and he will most likely "try again' at contacting you, and next time you can reply and ask him for his wife's email address so you can respond to her...right? I hope our OP here can see her own value and let go of anyone that is not right for her...

[Batya33]

Yes, that was also part of my motivation - respect for the wife. Here's the truth - I started to respond - an email with friendly chit chat, I stopped and thought - what the heck am I doing? And pressed delete. What a good feeling.

 

So - to the OP - it aint easy, but it's doable - to walk away from someone who is just not that into you.