Calling all men...and women in similar situations...

[needopinions]

first of all...Hi! i'm new to the site...

 

I am looking for opinions from men and women who have been in my situation...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and we have lived together for 3. I have a son from a previous relationship and they get along really well. as for the relationship part i couldnt ask for anything more...we are very in love, have a ton of fun together, tell each other everything and are very open and honest.

 

Here's where the problem lies...

 

I recently discovered that my boyfriend watches online porn...while i don't really have a problem with it, i'm struggling to understand a man's need to watch porn. he's assured me that it is nothing lacking in our relationship and the i'm not lacking anything that he desires...he said all guys watch porn and it's just sort of a "fantasy" thing...he says the girls are fake making it the fantasy part...but he wants someone "real" (meaning me).

 

I guess my question is...should i be worried that this will turn into some sort of a problem or am i just over-reacting? do the majority of men watch porn?

 

I have watched with boyfriends before but have never had a bf that watches it online.

[Locke2121]

Its just...well its just what guys do. Please don't read too much into it. Unless he becomes totally addicted to it, its really no big deal.

 

And it doesn't reflect back on you! Trust me.

[needopinions]

really? ok, that makes me feel a bit better.

 

I've told him that it doesn't really bother me...it would only bother me if he was talking to other girls online or having some sort of online affair or something.

 

He even said last night kind of jokingly..."do we need to get rid of the computer so we don't have this problem?"

 

what would you consider "totally addicted?"

[lunatic]

The way I look at this subject is as long as your sex life is not lacking then why worry. I agree that it is a fantasy thing and sometimes guys like to get a quick one off. It has nothing to do with you and if he started to refuse you in the bed then I would say differently.

[Dako]

Hubman is right.

Where it gets troublesome is where a guy prefers porn to the real thing, or constantly compares his real lady to some porn star.

[needopinions]

The way I look at this subject is as long as your sex life is not lacking then why worry. I agree that it is a fantasy thing and sometimes guys like to get a quick one off. It has nothing to do with you and if he started to refuse you in the bed then I would say differently.

 

actually...this may seem odd...but it's almost like our sex life has improved since i found out...but it could also be my insecurity and feeling like i have to make him want me so that he won't stray?

 

i don't know...he has promised that he would NEVER cheat because he has been cheated on twice and would never do that to anyone..and last night we were lying in bed and i said "i love you"...and he asked what the main thing is that he lives his life by (which is respect, and he believes in it so much it's tattoed on his arm)...then he said "do you really think that if you love me that much and i love you that much that i would disrespect you like that?"

 

so i guess that makes complete sense...maybe i'm just being way too insecure?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

Do you know, the subject of porn is the one that seems to come up the most often, and divides people the most on here.

 

My take on it - for what it's worth - is that I think most men do watch porn, especially now the internet has made it easier than ever. Or at least the ones I know have done. I think that occasionally watching porn isn't the worst thing in the world, and it just kind of is. (I don't like it myself, I find porn exploitative).

 

The difference is when someone gets addicted to porn, and that can be incredibly destructive to a relationship. I was talking to a psycho-sexual therapist (I work with one!) abou this, and she was saying that it's a bad sign when the person prefers to watch increasingly explicit porn and doesn't want to have 'normal' relations with the person in the bed next to them - that is a bad sign, and often signals the end of the relationship. Hmmm. I guess it's about all things in moderation, eh?

 

And I know some women really like porn as well, and watching it with their partners - maybe it's if it's 'erotic' as opposed to gynacological? I don't know - tough subject. I guess what I'm trying to say is that a LOT of people watch porn, and they just like it but it doesn't mean anything. But if you hate your boyfriend watching porn, that's kind of all right too.

 

Tricky subject.

[needopinions]

anyone else have any helpful advice?

 

and thank you to everyone who has replied...they all make complete sense...sometimes its just good to get others opinions because it's hard to see all the facts when you're in the situation.

[Batya33]

I would be very concerned about having this man living with you given his porn interests - he is not married to you, is not your son's father and that is already likely to confuse your son - particularly since this new man in your life is now living with his mother - sounds a bit chaotic/confusing - but if your son finds out or discovers the porn on the computer that could prove to be very harmful to your son's well being and feelings of comfort and stability. My guess is also that if your son mentions this you could quickly have the authorities involved.

[needopinions]

my son is only 4 and does not know how to use a computer...he does not watch when my son is home and it is not kept on the computer.

 

i'm pretty sure that there are more people than just my boyfriend who watch porn when they live with children...and while i appreciate it your concern for my son he is VERY well taken care of and i certainly don't need you telling me that it is confusing for him.

 

my son is not the issue here and believe me if there was any chance of my son finding anything i would put a stop to it immediately.

[Batya33]

I would beg to differ - he may not use the computer or may not know that what he sees is porn but believe me it can be very damaging to a 4 year old, in addition to the chaos/instability caused by a new man living with his mom who is not married to his mother or his father. As far as whether other men look at porn when there are young children in the house I wouldn't know but particularly since he is not the boy's father and only with you a relatively short time you cannot possibly know that he would care enough to be sure that your son is shielded.

 

But, no need to listen to me, an anonymous poster - why not do the research yourself on the effect of all of this on your son - since you obviously (and I mean this sincerely) have his best interests in mind. I am sure there are social services agencies that can direct you to the appropriate resources.

 

You asked about his use of porn and you mentioned the living arrangement - which concerned me and is why I posted.

[needopinions]

thank you for your "concern" but you have absolutely no idea what kind of "chaos" this has caused on my son...the answer is none. my son's father is not in the picture so he has no idea about his mother and father being together...the only thing he knows of his dad is that he was supposed to pick him up one day and didn't and now he hasn't seen him for a year. my boyfriend has been more of a father to my son than his real dad ever has.

 

as for the porn...what kids don't know won't hurt them. he has never seen anything even remotely close to "porn" and never will. and i will make damn sure of that. he has never been alone with my boyfriend so i can vouch that he has never seen it. and the reason he has never been alone with my boyfriend is because i don't think it's fair to put that burden on my boyfriend...not because i don't trust him...it's just not his responsibility.

 

on a lighter note...my son has flourished since my boyfriend and i have moved in together and become a more content child...not that he wasn't before...but he has more of an immediate family now...we sit down and have dinner together and talk about our days yada, yada, yada...so i think it is unfair for you to make rash generalizations when you know nothing about the situation other than a couple of paragraphs...and to bring up the authorities is ludicrous! there are much worse situations where the authorities need to be called.

[Batya33]

I respectfully disagree that your son is not at risk of being harmed by this man or the porn sites accessed on your home computer. But, you are the mother and it is your decision as to whether to look into the basis for my statements above.

 

I would not be able to put up with a serious boyfriend looking at porn particularly in my home or the home we shared. And, no, not all guys watch porn - none of my serious boyfriends did other than the occasional bachelor party that included a trip to a strip club. My boyfriend now does not and has no interest in doing so - not just because I am in his life either. He finds it uninteresting and kind of gross from what he has told me.

 

But that's just me - good luck to you and your family!

[Azual]

Bayata...

 

I've read both sides of this, and personally, having grown up in a household full of porn as a young child, it really had no effect on me other than I appreciated and respected the female body (then again, I was always an odd child)... However, this child's mother has been with him at all times and computer history is easily deletable, as is everything else "harmful" on the computer.

The child is 4 years of age, unable to wield the computer to the maximum. As far as I see, there is no danger of anything here... you're putting thoughts into her head about leaving this man who she has claimed to help her son and all of that good Jazz.

Oh, and a man in the home who isn't the father... not destructive. Family was divorced when I was 6 months old, thank you very much. Human nature dictates that we adapt, the kid is going to be fine.

________________________________________________

To Need;

Don't let it pressure you horribly, like everyone else has said, unless he seriously stops wanting you, it's not a true problem. Some guys like certain things that they may be scared to do (afraid of scaring their partner away, or hurting them...) and they watch other people.

You said your sex life has improved, so like I said, I see no problem and can wholeheartedly agree with the other posters.

[Batya33]

I sent you a PM in response. Thanks for sharing and I am glad it worked out so well for you.

[needopinions]

THANK YOU AZUAL!

[SummerGirl38]

It may shock you to hear a woman say this but my philosophy on it all is this....

 

It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.

 

I personally don't see the difference between watching it on a computer screen or renting a video.

 

Guys are visual people by nature. The sight of a sexual act just puts them in the mood. I really would not take it personal.

 

For me, when my guy is watching something like that, even a dirty movie on HBO or something, it just means he'll be ready for me later. To me, it's a win/win situation for both of us.

 

Hell, I just had an 18 year old kid hit on me the other night (I'm thirty-eight) because I was putting on lipstick in the rearview mirror of the car, who knew?

 

I'm telling you, it's just the visual that makes them think about the real act.

I wouldn't sweat it!

[daveygravey]

I think most guys watch porn and it's harmless. As a lot of replies have already said, if it becomes an 'addiction' then it becomes a problem. That is, if he is watching it hours on end, if he becomes disinterested in real sex, if he gets distracted/upset if he goes without his fix!

 

I'm 25, was going out with a girl for two years until last week. She knew I watched porn now and again, didn't really have a problem with it. I never cheated on her, didnt even find the women in the videos that attractive, and it was never an obsession or even frequent activity of mine. It turned me on, and made me excited about the next time I'd see my girl. In all honesty, I thought she was the sexiest woman alive - if I ever compared her to other women (girls in town, porn stars, celebrities) she won hands down everytime.

 

THere's no need for you to be jealous or worried. It's harmless.

[GQstatus]

I agree with Azual. I didn't necessarily grow up with porn throughout the house, but I found my dads boxes of Playboy's in the basement in 5th grade. Me and my buddies looked through a couple with wide eyes, amazed at the female body. It wasn't a "sexual" feeling so much back then, as it was just curiosity. I then proceeded to sell them for 5 dollars a piece to friends to make money

 

Later on, when I was old enough, I realized that my dad collected them. He had issues from the late 70's until the early 90's (when I found them). He ended up getting rid of them out of the blue for whatever reason.

 

Yeah men can get addicted to porn, and it can become a very big problem. But it's not uncommon at ALL for guys to look/watch porn. I don't want to pass judgment, or categorize any men, but I think a lot of men who aren't into porn, have never really watched it in the first place. Whether it be just not their cup of tea, or they grew up in a very strict household, where sex was never talked about.

 

Not only that, but some men have fantasies/fetishes that aren't part of the "norm" thereforeee fulfill those by watching/looking at/reading some sort of porn. As long as it doesn't involve kids or animals, I don't see what the big deal is.

 

As far as her bf causing "damage" to her 4 yr old because he's in the house, I think that's bologna. Unless this guy is a real piece of crap (which it doesn't sound like) her boy will definitely benefit from having a male figure in his life. Especially at 4 years old. Boys at that age need a male role model to play ball with, rough house with etc.

[Batya33]

I believe boys benefit from having a male role model who, if he lives in the house and is romantically involved with the mother, is legally and emotionally committed to the boy's mother (or at least where the wedding is imminent). You may think the harmful effects of porn on children is bologna but I know differently (based on research I have done and my many years experience working with and educating young children) as do most authorities on the subject of what is harmful to children - not just the direct effects if they happen to see it but the effects of living with an adult who has values that would allow him to watch it to that extent and for that amount of time in the house where there are children. Doesn't sound safe to me, much less like a good role model, but we can agree to disagree.

[GQstatus]

I can understand where you're coming from. But you seem to be categorizing a big big big group of men. Men that ARE good role models, great fathers, and take good care of their families.

 

I was never "exposed" to porn. It was well hidden, I was just a nosy little kid poking around where I shouldn't of been in the first place. Did finding those magazines make me look any differently at my dad? Of course not. He was a provider, a great role model for me growing up, and a very intelligent man.

 

If he is romantically and emotionally involved in BOTH their lives, why would it matter if they were married right now or not? You think a piece of paper would make him a better role model?

 

The chances that any sane "normal" man would expose a 4 yr old boy to porno movies is highly doubtful. A child predator? Yeah, and I believe we should quit wasting our money jailing them, and put them all in a big gas oven and let them suffer, but that's a whole nother topic.

 

If he was sitting in front of the computer for hours and hours daily watching movies, that's another story, it doesn't really seem like that's the case here though.

[Rabican]

I watch porn.... I just do. I dont think it takes anything away from my relationship or my girl. Id much rather be.... well you know... with her than watching porn. So its not like it replaces our sex life. Why do I watch it? I have no idea half the time. Sometimes Ill watch it if im in the mood and shes sleeping, or not in the mood. Sometimes Ill watch it just to watch it. But I dont think its a big deal really.

 

If it becomes a habbit, or hes spending all your money on it then Id be concerned... otherwise consider it a mans version of watching a soap opera.

[Batya33]

I disagree and responded to you by PM.

[needopinions]

Oh wow...are we still on the fact that my boyfriend watches porn and my son lives in the house?

 

Batya33...I cannot read all of your second to last post on this thread as I have a firewall up at work that prevents me from doing so...as well as a firewall that prevents me from checking pm's.

 

The jyst I got from the first to lines that I am able to read is that I should not be living with my boyfriend and my son unless we are legally committed? Am I right to assume this?

 

I should get your message if you respond as right now its the second page that I'm not able to open...third is ok.

[Batya33]

I responded in private to the previous poster as my comments were off topic. Thank you for your post and I hope you are doing well.