doing the right thing...... this is painful

[SeaBisquit]

hello, I'm in love with a guy that's married. I posted a few times about my relationship with him. He went back to his wife. He doesn't love her but he is married to her. we both think about each other alot but we know we can't be together. i'm dating someone else know and i'm trying to move on, but it's really hard to. the thing i think about is that he doesn't love his wife and she knows he doesn't. why do we all have to be with people we don't really love?

[Dako]

We don't, and he chooses to be with his wife.

He may say he doesn't love her, but his actions don't agree.

 

He's been dishonest with you and his wife, and hopes to keep you around.

To him, marriage isn't about love, is it? Could be fear of losing his shirt in a nasty divorce.

[Jayar]

I would agree that he doesn't love his wife... If he did, he wouldn't be cheating on her with you. That being said, as hard as it is to hear, as much as he doesn't love HER, he is STILL choosing her over YOU. Take that and chew on it for a while... Maybe it will help you distance yourself from him and this destructive relationship.

 

No one HAS to be with anyone. Believe me, if he thought that you were worth pursuing, he'd make it happen. Even if kids are involved there are a million ways to be a great father without having to stay married to someone he isn't in love with.

 

Rather than blaming life and the cruelties of the universe that he HAS to be with someone he isn't in love with, even when it's so obvious he is DEEPLY in love with you, try seeing this for what it is, and yourself for what you were to him (merely an affair).

 

You aren't a horrible person. Just learn from this. Get your own man who will be so in love with you that he won't let ANYTHING stand in the way. You deserve it! Best of luck.

[SeaBisquit]

i know there is a reason he is staying with his wife and chose her over me. i don't know what it is but i don't believe it is because he loves her. he told me it has to do with alot of family pressure. i don't want to ruin his marriage and i want him to decide on his own who he wants to be with.

[Dako]

He cheated on his wife.

You're believing the words of a dishonest guy who had an affair with you and returned to his wife. I'm sure he's filling her head with tales of woe.

 

I wouldn't believe a thing this guy says.

[SeaBisquit]

i believe this guy does love you. he sounds like he was quite possesive of you in the beginning and afraid to loose you. he also sounds like he is a family guy and he was stuck choosing between you and his family. I have to ask you what really broke you to up? and how soon did he go back to his wife?

[Jayar]

i believe this guy does love you. he sounds like he was quite possesive of you in the beginning and afraid to loose you.

 

This doesn't in ANY way equate to "love"...

[SeaBisquit]

it may not be a healthy way to love someone . but i still think he loves her. sometimes people don't do all the right things when they love someone and sometimes things get crazy and confusing but i think that you know deep down in your gut Sea.

[flower99]

why do we all have to be with people we don't really love?

 

We don't. No one does. he's a grown man, he makes his choices. He did leave her for awhile to be with you....than went back.....which should be proof right here that he does not HAVE TO be with her...he choose to.

 

How could you believe what you two had was true love. Didn't he Love his wife & even made a vow to love her for life. what makes your love so much deeper & true? I'm sorry, but I would learn from this & continue to move on.

 

He's fed you lies & fed his wife life. I wouldn't & couldn't believe anything he says. Actions speak louder than words.

Believe his actions not his words.

 

I fully agree with Dako posts.

[flower99]

p.s I just wanted to add, I'm really proud of you for doing the right thing, even though it is hard. Better things will come out of it.

I'm sorry if my post comes accross rude. I just get so bothered by married men messing with thier vows & numerous womens heart....

it's happened to a number of my friends & always ended the same.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I'm sorry, this is soooooooooooo hard for you. I hope that you can move past the married guy and focus on the fabulous men out there who are single and want you all to themselves!!

 

I have seen many of my female friends have affaires with married men, and you know what? Not one of them has had a happy ending. I don't know, I think it's just so hard to see it ever working out. Why waste your gorgeous self on someone who is taken, and will never be there for you on birthdays/christmases/sad times/happy times?

 

But you know this, you are moving on - so good for you! I don't know if he loves his wife or not. I doubt it, given that he's cheated on her and made your life hard. But whatever, I hope that you can look forward and not back, and not let him into the months/years ahead.

 

Good luck!

[blender]

It's not about "if" someone loves you, it's about "how" someone loves you. And as far as him being married and then cheating on her with you.. remember that: "if he'll do this with you, he'll do it to you".

 

His choices and his behavior demostrate that he lacks courage to live in his "truth" whatever that may be, and no excuse is mature enough to live a "lie"...

 

so whatever "reasons or excuses" you or he can come up with as to "why" he stays in his marriage and chose to "cheat" as well, is definition of his lack of character, and that alone should send you running towards "yourself" and away from him.

 

Take some time to be on your own, re-gain your sense of self. No more contact with this "married man".. If you have "imagined and dreamed" about ever having been his wife, be honest enough with yourself to know that it would not be a trustworthy, loyal, committed love.. he's not capable of it.. he's proven that, you are not "more" special than his wife, she's a valuable individual who deserves respect, honesty, and she is with a man who is not "truthful, honest, mature and faithful" and it's so sad that he is not.. he is not, he is not... if he's not that way with her after all the years and intamcy they've shared, then he's just not capable of it..with anyone.

 

He is not for YOU... he is not worthy of your attention or understanding anymore... he's a coward, a cheater, and a "victim"..ugh, is this what you "admire, respect and love" about him? Because in FACT, this is "who he is".. plain and simple.

 

Just make sure to list these "unfaithfulness, excuses and characteristics" on your list right next to all the things you love about him, and see if the "feelings match the facts" about who this man has "revealed" himself to authentically be. And at some point you will find yourself "grateful" that he is no longer in your life.

 

You deserve better, and his wife deserves better. And eventually he'll get what he deserves, so get out of the way so you are no longer lowering yourself to be a willing partner in his deceit.

 

Take care of you, mourn the loss of who you "hoped and thought he could be" and start being in "acceptance" of who he's "actually revealed himself to be". And say a prayer for his wife.

[Batya33]

My very close friend was in love with a married man for a few years who claimed not to be in love with his wife. He was her first love. She broke it off with him after about 2 years. One year later - in her early 30s - she met her future husband. A year after that, they were engaged. 6 months later and 2 months before the wedding she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She died 2.5 years later.

 

Who knows if she would have met someone earlier had she not spent 2 years with the married man, etc but consider that she only had 6 years left to live when she met the married man and spent one third of that time with him (as of a few years ago he was still with his wife as far as I know) - think about it. Was the fact that he said he loved her worth one third of the rest of her life?

[SeaBisquit]

this is harder than you think.

 

he left her because she cheated on him. she had a affair with a guy she works with. i have a picture of her having a three-some with this guy.

 

and after i broke up with him he asked me for the picture to use it to end his marriage. i won't give it to him because i don't want to be a part of him ending his marriage even tho i want him back.

 

also, i directly asked him if he loves me or her. he said that he has always loved me.

[blender]

Seabiscuit my dear, I really feel for you, but can you explain what is that your "respect, admire and love" about this man? Can you list just three respectful qualities he does posess?

 

In answering some questions about your own feelings, you might find some answers to your heartache. He does not "need a photo" to end his marriage, he just needs to be "honest" to end his marriage, but see he likes to put himself in the "vicitm" category, because he lacks the "courage and maturity" to live HIS life within his own values/standards regardless of "pressure from family, or needing evidence to present". Right?

 

He's a grown man, who does exactly what he wants to do, when he wants to do so.. is there something "stopping him" from "living in his truth?" Honestly is there a "good mature acceptable reason" for him to be staying in this marriage? A "reason" you, yourself find "okay"?

[melrich]

I would agree that he doesn't love his wife... If he did, he wouldn't be cheating on her with you.

 

This is a fallacy. Cheating on someone does not necessarily mean that you no longer love them. People cheat for many reasons. I agree with jayceearia, it may be a funny kind of love but it can still be love nonetheless.

 

In this case look to his actions, not his words.

[Cyberchick]

To echo what others have said on here, who knows if he's telling her the truth about why his marriage is unhappy? Not to sound harsh, but if he's capable of cheating on his wife, he's capable of lying about anything, including the reasons why his marriage is not working and what the situation at home is. What has his role been in the situation and why is he not dealing with it properly, ethically, before entering into another relationship? Maybe he's not even telling himself the truth. And as for him being in love with the OP, I am skeptical it's really love. He sounds a little too emotionally unhealthy to be capable of that right now.

 

I got involved with a married man for seven months... I can honestly say it was the worst mistake of my life. He lied about absolutely everything. Mind you, he never said anything about leaving his wife for me, and claimed to be happily married. I question why someone who is happily married would cheat, but whatever, that's for him to live with. Thing is, he lied about absolutely everything else, including his own name because he was terrified of being caught. My own self esteem was so low, I " fell in love " for the very little he did have to offer me. I was so wrong, so so wrong for getting involved with him. It was so unfair for me to do that to his family, although I'm not the one who made the committment to them. What gave me the right to lie down beside another woman's man? I put the words " fell in love " in parenthese because I don't really think it was love... I think love is supposed to be a healthy emotion and act, and NOTHING about our " relationship " ( more like a series of one night stands, with some rare moments of intimacy that kept me there ) was healthy. Whatever I felt for him was probably far from love, and it may be for the OP as well. Need, lust, addiction to highs in a relationship full of lows?

 

The affair really ruined me in alot of ways, ruined my perceptions of true love, although I have an extremely wonderful bf now who shows me real love everyday, in everything he does. Love shouldn't be dishonest, it shouldn't be that painful ( not that it's not hard work ), and it shouldn't compartementalize one person in another person's life. I disagree with the notion that you just love who you love, that she couldn't help loving him, or he couldn't help loving her. I had alot of self esteem issues going into the affair and I am 100% convinced those issues were at play when I developed feelings for him. I really thought I couldn't deserve better, didn't deserve real love, and I was scared to give my heart to someone because they may see what an unworthy person I was. Well, this married man would have been the perfect person to fall for, totally in line with the feelings I had about myself. Love isn't always natural and beyond our control, and doesn't always appear to be what we think it is. Our ideas about love are shaped by our histories, who we feel we are as individuals. To break unhealthy patterns, we have to really look at ourselves and start putting ourselves back together again before we can cultivate healthy relationships.

 

Sorry, that probably sounded santimonious, but this issue really cuts close to home. The OP deserves a chance at real love, I don't think this is it. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I'd recommend ending this completely asap, it's going to cause you some real damage.

[Cyberchick]

It looks like you are trying to do the right thing, keep going girl. Things are going to be okay.

[Batya33]

this is harder than you think.

 

he left her because she cheated on him. she had a affair with a guy she works with. i have a picture of her having a three-some with this guy.

 

and after i broke up with him he asked me for the picture to use it to end his marriage. i won't give it to him because i don't want to be a part of him ending his marriage even tho i want him back.

 

also, i directly asked him if he loves me or her. he said that he has always loved me.

 

The reality is that he is married to her - legally - and he lives with her. Watch the feet - what he does - not the lips - what he says.

[Shadows Light]

Sea........... he's a grown man and he's made his choice, for whatever reason. He chose to stay where he is at. Even if its for the kids sake, he's still made his choice. Move on.

 

I think its appalling that he would show pix of his wife caught in a compromising position. No matter what she did... she is still the mother of his children and showing picture of her in no matter what situation shows lack of respect in general.

 

btw.. depending on the state he lives in, most states don't give a hill of beans what types of pix you have. A person can be caught in the middle of an orgy with 30 people and it doesn't matter. It may help him to get custody of his children but even thats slim. The courts are so full of domestic cases that all they care about is... splitting the assets, liabilities and making sure the children are taken care of.

 

TV court divorce cases are "NOT" the norm. Its scripted for TV drama.

 

Cut loose from the Married Man. Hanging on to this will only cause you further pain and heart-ache.

 

When the chips are down Sea... he can't be there for you when you really need him... to share the good and the bad in your life. All you get from him are stolen moments and pretty words and in the end... many many lonely nights and tears you'll wipe away by yourself.