Big Blow Ups... every 2 months??!

[TheFoglifter]

Regarding the sympathy PMS comment:

 

How would you feel if in front of his and your friends, he said something like "oh yeah, MissTee gives the GREATEST head, she does this little thing with her tongue and its so sexy when she swallows.

 

What if everyone laughed, but you got upset, and he used the same "oh its no big deal, everyone was laughing so its ok! justification that you used on him.

 

I suspect he would not be getting head from you for quite a while after this. Now doesn't that seem a bit hypocritical? He had as much validity to consider the sympathy PMS inappropriate as you do the comment above.

 

It also seems that unless you had a designated driver talk up front, maybe he wanted to drink a bit too and was a bit peeved that you got to get tipsy, while he had to stay sober.

 

I agree its not a good idea for either party to assert "I am the boss" --that comment will only get one reaction, it will force you harder to assert your independence.

 

It actually sounds like you have a good routine in place -- you have a great relationship, and you have one big fight every few months. This is not an insult, but its kind of like how in Judaism, they fast on Yom Kippur, and they are good to go for the rest of the year. Meanwhile, catholics are supposed to go to confession all the time.

 

Another question: when he says "you are insensitive" -- if you replaced the word "insensitive" with "emasculating", would his accusation have more merit?

[dawn515]

How would you feel if in front of his and your friends, he said something like "oh yeah, MissTee gives the GREATEST head, she does this little thing with her tongue and its so sexy when she swallows.

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't think this is comparable. His talking about how she performs a sexual act is the same as her talking about his PMS empathy? Perhaps you're right and he did feel "emasculated" by her comment, but I think most people would think it's sweet, as, I assume, does the OP. I think he'd only feel emasculated if he's insecure; if he was secure, he'd make a joke about it himself, and that would be that. Just my opinion.

[shikashika]

I'm sorry, but I just don't think this is comparable. His talking about how she performs a sexual act is the same as her talking about his PMS empathy? Perhaps you're right and he did feel "emasculated" by her comment, but I think most people would think it's sweet, as, I assume, does the OP. I think he'd only feel emasculated if he's insecure; if he was secure, he'd make a joke about it himself, and that would be that. Just my opinion.

 

 

yeah I agree.. I don't see what giving head has to do with anything... they aren't comparable at all!!!

[TheFoglifter]

That is my point EXACTLY -- you THINK it is not comparable at all, but others think that they ARE, and therein lies the problem. You said that you think the PMS comment would be viewed as sweet and put him in a positive light. Well I think that the blowjob comment is cute, and puts her in a great light.

 

I repeat -- you have just as much right to feel they are NOT interchangeable as I do to feel that they ARE interchangeable.

 

I think its hypocritical for her to say "oh there was nothing wrong with what I said" -- he OBVIOUSLY thinks there was something wrong with it. If he made the blowjob comment, he could also say "oh there was nothing wrong with that".

 

See what I'm saying? A woman holding a belief does not make it absolutely right. If you women could SEE and ACCEPT that, we'd have a lot less of these "miscommunications".

[Dako]

Dismissing someone's feelings as oversensitive can be condescending.

It devalues the person's viewpoint without dealing with it.

I have this idea that it takes at least two to fight, or to negotiate.

 

Or else it's all his fault every two months. Maybe it is.

[ghost69]

this guy holds stuff in for too long. you need to pry at him if you sense something wrong before a blow up happens. when you say you just brush it off, you need to communicate at that time. it will help. people that just blow up usually have poor communication skills and can never get it out before it's too late. it's always easiest to just end it and this is why he always tells you "there is the door". real mature.

 

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[TheFoglifter]

What ghost said made me think of something else. When you say you "brush it off", are you doing that in a visible manner that might be irritating your boyfriend?

 

You may (even without realizing it) be projecting an apathetic "whatever" kind of attitude, and some people find that inordinately frustrating. It is also easy to associate a lack of caring/sensitivity with apathy, since apathy does mean "without feeling".

 

Maybe this is also why he blows up -- that he feels he isn't being listened to and eventually can't take it any more.

 

I still maintain that one big fight every two months might be preferable to a small fight every week.

[dawn515]

That is my point EXACTLY -- you THINK it is not comparable at all, but others think that they ARE, and therein lies the problem. You said that you think the PMS comment would be viewed as sweet and put him in a positive light. Well I think that the blowjob comment is cute, and puts her in a great light.

 

[snip]

 

See what I'm saying? A woman holding a belief does not make it absolutely right. If you women could SEE and ACCEPT that, we'd have a lot less of these "miscommunications".

 

No, this is not a "we women" subject at all. If he talked about how she gave head at a party, I think any reasonable person would think that tacky and inappropriate. What is comparable is her talking about HIS technique at oral sex at a party.

 

That's his prerogrative to not like the empathy discussion, though he could have laughed it off to "save face," I guess, and then tell her later it made him uncomfortable. It didn't need to become a "blow-up" fight. It wasn't THAT offensive, but he has every right to not like it, and he could reasonably tell her so.

[ghost69]

i think i told you on another post misstee that you are young and need to experience more. you replied that you were so happy and you were giong to get married and be together forever. this whole making each other mad, you were insensitive cause he had to drive and you drank stuff is all garbage. it needs to stop or you will never get along in the end. this is like little kids bickering. so you had some laughs with some friends about pms. did this guy get beat up a lot in school? he seems like a wuss. at least a whiner.

 

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[Dako]

It didn't need to become a "blow-up" fight. It wasn't THAT offensive, but he has every right to not like it, and he could reasonably tell her so.

 

I couldn't find reference to him starting the blow-up.

[dawn515]

She didn't say who started it -- she said after the bbq they got into their huge argument. (I said "blow up" because of the title of the thread.) I assumed that the PMS comment, along with the wine and the "selfish" accusation at the bbq, is what started their most recent argument, which ultimately led to her packing her bags (again). But apparently it played a role for her to mention it.

 

I don't get the "selfish" comment about her drinking wine at all, so I didn't comment on it, so I posted about the PMS one instead.

[ghost69]

if this guy can't relax at a bbq and you like to be social. maybe you should walk.

 

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[MissTee]

Firstly, he offered to drive.

 

Secondly, I have to agree with the ladies here and say that commenting on my blow-job skills is in a totally different league to me commenting on his PMS empathy. I understand how it made him feel "less of a man" and I apologised.

 

 

 

Thank you for your realistic view point.

[MissTee]

She didn't say who started it -- she said after the bbq they got into their huge argument. (I said "blow up" because of the title of the thread.) I assumed that the PMS comment, along with the wine and the "selfish" accusation at the bbq, is what started their most recent argument, which ultimately led to her packing her bags (again). But apparently it played a role for her to mention it.

 

I don't get the "selfish" comment about her drinking wine at all, so I didn't comment on it, so I posted about the PMS one instead.

 

Yes, all of those things did start the fight and lead to me packing my bags.

 

And he did start the fight by calling me selfish because I was tipsy.

[TheFoglifter]

Dawn, everything you said in post 33 to me can be flipped around with equal validity.

 

You said you think any reasonable person would find talking about oral to be tacky. What you are actually saying is that YOU "think" that said particular subject is tacky and inappropriate.

 

The whole point is that a woman's feeling on a subject does not make it an absolute. Plenty of clean and together people find nothing wrong with openly discussing sex, sometimes in quite a graphic or detailed manner. It is hypocritical for her to dismiss his feelings when she would absolutely play the victim if the situation was reversed.

[TheFoglifter]

I also think its funny that all the women immediately jump to their sister's aid, and in doing so, commit the same fundamental attribution error.

 

I'm glad you think Dawn's point of view is realistic, which I can see you are using to imply that my point of view is unrealistic. Once again, same attribution error. Women need to learn that just because they THINK something should be a certain way, that doesn't mean it should or even will be.

 

He offered to drive, but was there any discussion of how drinking should be handled? Maybe he thought you would drive home -- you did not make that clear in your post so I can't say for certain. Perhaps next time, a taxi would be a better option.

 

It is possible that one or both of you just crave drama once in a while. Maybe you could turn the blow-ups into one hell of a make-up sex opportunity?

[MissTee]

After starting thise thread yesterday, I went home last night with the intention of working this out.

 

We sat down and had a good talk about all of the things that contributed to the fight.

 

He took responsibility for the fight on Saturday after the bbq and said that he was pissed off because I made him look like a in front of his mates. He said he didn't mean to start a fight but it did... He apologised and I apologised for making him feel stupid in front of his friends.

 

He also said that he says stupid things when we fight because he kind of "Malfunctions" because he can't communicate in a fighting atmosphere. I think this is fair enough... He isn't a fighter and he can't handle it when we do fight.

 

He said that he loves me so much that he gets scared when we fight that I am going to leave him or that I don't want to be with him anymore. So he gets on defensive and says things like "if you don't want to be here, you know where the door is".

 

I promised him that I am going to think more before I speak and he has promised me to come to me with any issues he has when he is calm and not angry.

[TheFoglifter]

Hell, I'll even up the ante. Lets scratch the blowjob comment and replace it with something that you think is equivalent. How about if he said "when I'm sick, MissTee puts on a nurse outfit and brings me soup". (I believe that this is a closer example, which I hope you'll find more reasonable).

 

Whatever the comment, the point is that its not fair for you to laugh off the way he feels. I bet this is the cause of many of your fights, you make him feel belittled without realizing that if the situations were reversed, you would act EXACTLY the same way he does.

 

Many many many arguments can be avoided by asking oneself the following very simple question: "How would I react if the situations were reversed?"

[TheFoglifter]

... promised him that I am going to think more before I speak and he has promised me to come to me with any issues he has when he is calm and not angry."

 

This is an excellent start.

 

Let me ask you this -- what are your fighting styles? If one of you prefers space and time alone, while the other wants to resolve things right away, the fight can change drastically. I know in my case, it is most effective for me to give my gf some time, as if I try to press a solution too quickly, she gets more defensive and the fight just lasts longer.

[MissTee]

I ask my boyfriend if he would ever speak about my blow job skills in public and he said "hell no! I don't want anyone knowing how good you are.." haha. I asked him if he thought it was compariable to my PMS comment. He said "a little but the PMS comment WAS funny if a little embarrasing for me but a blow job comment is just plain wrong at a bbq"

 

Yes, there was conversation about who was going to drive. But I think he assumed that I would stay stone sober aswell becasue he was. I just want to make clear that I was NOT drunk but I was tipsy.

 

I think sometimes it is because we crave the drama but then when we get it, we don't know how to handle it.

[MissTee]

... promised him that I am going to think more before I speak and he has promised me to come to me with any issues he has when he is calm and not angry."

 

This is an excellent start.

 

Let me ask you this -- what are your fighting styles? If one of you prefers space and time alone, while the other wants to resolve things right away, the fight can change drastically. I know in my case, it is most effective for me to give my gf some time, as if I try to press a solution too quickly, she gets more defensive and the fight just lasts longer.

 

Yeah I feel good about it.

 

We have VERY different fighting styles. He fights by saying stupid things and calls names because he can't string together an argument when he is steamed up. I am very composed in fights and usually "fight like a lawyer" if you know what I mean... I debate.

[TheFoglifter]

I know the feeling. When I argue with my gf, there are a lot of things I try to avoid because they are completely counter-productive. One of the worst things a person can do is to drag out the relationship scoreboard. One has to be damn sure of oneself and the facts before walking down the "I did this this and this for you and you did nothing for me" path.

 

You may also have a big advantage over your boyfriend in being able to stick to the facts. If he starts to get flustered, while you are using cogent points, he is going to get madder and madder because he either doesn't have the ammo to win, or worse, he can't REMEMBER the counterattack. This has happened to me a few times and it is immensely frustrating. The worst is when you think of what you SHOULD have said but after the argument is long over and you've already lost, when its not worth rehashing.

 

If this is what is happening, then maybe your style needs to be to help keep him calm by asking proper guiding questions. You have to be careful with that too, or it sounds patronizing and condescending.

[ScreenagerX]

The worst is when you think of what you SHOULD have said but after the argument is long over and you've already lost, when its not worth rehashing.

 

Why is it not worth bringing up again? If it is a valid point then who is to say its not worth raising. Just because the water is calm it does not mean that there isn't still a storm brewing on the horizon. There are no rules to say when an argument ends it is over.

[DN]

Thread closed for disrespectful and flaming posts

[melrich]

You may also have a big advantage over your boyfriend in being able to stick to the facts. If he starts to get flustered, while you are using cogent points, he is going to get madder and madder because he either doesn't have the ammo to win, or worse, he can't REMEMBER the counterattack. This has happened to me a few times and it is immensely frustrating. The worst is when you think of what you SHOULD have said but after the argument is long over and you've already lost, when its not worth rehashing.

 

Conflicts should not be approached as a competition around who can win the argument. Words like attack and counter-attack are potentially misleading. Resolving conflict should be about reaching compromise that both can live with.

 

It is important to know how each other likes to resolve conflict. But try not to bracket conflict with winning and losing an argument.

 

Best thing to do is put the egos away and try and work toward compromise.