I can't seem to recover. Relapce of pain...after two years...so pathetic.

[buba]

It's been two miserable years since my husband walked out on me. Over a year since divorce was final. He was many things...gorgeous, funny, mentally unstable, verbally abusive, charming and caring( when he wanted to be), irresponsible( I was the one who was paying the bills). He was living with mom prior to our marriage and had a sickeningly close relationship with her( she even slept in the same hotel room on our wedding night in Vegas and she served me with divorce papers). He smoked a lot of weed, was constantly unemployed and felt entitled to be taken care off by me. I got to admit that he was a great cook and loved to be creative in the kitchen/bedroom.

He told me that I would be the death of him and cried plenty of tears each time he verbally abused me (called me names, blocked my way out, pushed me, threw his wedding ring at me and broke a huge mirror above my head, resulted in me being covered in falling glass....his tears and sincere apologies followed again...each raging episode left a little scar on my heart.)

I set my boundaries by telling him that I am not going to be the one who takes care of a 6.7 tall guy and he better get a job, stop smoking tons of weed and start being an equal partner...I was pregnant with our child...I became his enemy after I called the cops when he was raging, breaking the door into the bedroom where I locked myself in fear). I asked them not to arrest him.....it was Thanksgiving day.

He left and told me to get rid of the baby. His mother served me with divorce papers and told me that keeping a baby would be insane cause he doesn't want to stay married...I was emotionally broken, scared and wanted to end my life on numerous occasions...

I drove to his mom's house(two hours away) and begged them both to let me keep the baby. She ignored. He left the house.

I had an abortion.I never heard from him again. like I never existed. His current girlfriend called my cell. on numerous occasions and called me degrading names( I have never met her or knew of her). she introduced herself as his girlfriend over the phone and kept on harassing me until I left him a message telling him that I will call the police unless she stops calling).

Our marriage only lasted two years ( he proposed rather quickly, cause, according to him, I was the love of his life and it was never going to change, heh). Than he quit me "cold turkey" and I am hunted by memories of our trips abrood( at my cost of course), our passion for each other, our wedding and his endless declarations of love......it's been two years. Enough time to move on. I had better days...relapces of pain would always fallow...dreams of him doesn't seem to vanish. The loss of our child makes me wanna end it all. I called him yesterday. After a year of silence. I had this huge anxiety and somehow thought that he will talk to me, I wanted to hear his voice. After saying Hello he gave her the phone and she told me to get a life and to f**k off. She also called me old( I am in my thirties and so is he). I guess she is really young. I am also well educated, have MA degree and released two albums as an artist.

I cried all evening , than got out of the house and got waisted so I don't have to hurt.....it;s sick. I know. It's been too long. I know. I can't seem to move on...the wound is too deep and I am depressed as hell...I take antidepressants...they don't do much. I go to therapy. It doesn't help much either. Sometimes I date. it makes me feel worse and I end up being alone. my choice.I am tired of missing him. I am tired of those monstrous relapces of pain...I have dreams about our unborn child....I feel cursed...I am such a meaningless mistake.

I just wish "to not be.".....two years of misery....still love him. I am sick of me. Really sick of ME.

[Jetta]

No idea why you're holding onto this guy who has been horrible to you in many ways. You obviously have a lot going for you and can do fine without him. You must have started to believe the things he was saying to you to belittle you. You could look into therapy to work through the issues he's created in you, and perhaps the underlying things that caused you to incorporate this guy into your life. Don't answer the call if it's him or his girlfriend. It's a good thing you don't have a child to keep this guy in your life (as hard as it was to do). You child likely would be this guy incarnate. I know I had one who is charming and awful just like his dad. Focus on your career, get therapy, and start dating again.

[eleanorrigby1]

God your post filled me with empathic pain. I felt really upset just reading that. It sounds like an unbeleivably painful time for you.

 

You know, because you state, all the problems that you had, and you know inside yourself that it would never have worked and that it wasnt healthy for you. However the fact that he never realised your worth or that he just cut you out of his life, deleted you as though you didnt exist. That has got to make you feel almost invisible, worthless. He didnt think enough of you to tell you goodbye, or explain why.

 

no wonder you feel so alone and invisible, you were treated very badly by somebody you trusted and loved.

 

I think you may need to speak to somebody about this. a counsellor. It may help you to come to terms with both of your losses.

 

You are still grieving for your unborn child and that is an entirely different issue from the heartbreak and loss of your husband. You lost your future, the future that you had planned with this man and this child and both were just deleted from your life.

 

I hope you seek out someone to talk to.

[Semid]

I agree with Jetta, go to therapy. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

You have a MA Degree, make good money, and paid all the bills and you are still stuck on this "good for nothing"? That by the way treats you with despise?

 

You do not love him buba, you cant', this must be another thing, go to therapy and find out.

 

You are in your 30's, for god sake, you are a child!!.

 

Take care, hon.

[boston23]

Hi hon-

 

Sorry to hear that everything is tough for you right now. Don't worry about the fact that it's been 2 years...or whatever amount of time. The experiences you had would be tough for anyone to get over; recognize that you have been doing a great job with it all.

 

See if you can look at it from another perspective. Have you ever tried to imagine that you heard about all these things about someone else? I think that if you had heard all those things about someone else, you wouldn't be harsh on the person, but you would treat them with kindness. Maybe imagining that it did all happen to someone else would allow you to be a little more sympathetic to your own situation. Lie down on your bed and really really imagine that you just read about someone that went through all of those things, you can even give the character a name, etc. See how you would respond to her. How would you feel about the man who had treated her that way? Would you judge her for feeling bad about it still?

 

It's great that your getting help for your depression; do you think that the medication that you're on is doing the job? Some of the things in your post could've been lifted right out of my diary when I was really depressed. There are plenty of anti-depressants out there, and there is a specific goal: to remove the depression. It sounds to me that you should speak to your doctor about the possibility that this particular medication isn't the right one for you. (For me, it took 3 different tries to find one that worked).

 

In terms of the therapy, if you don't think that it's helping you, speak with the therapist about it. There are plenty of different types of therapy out there (and therapists). I didn't realize that therapy can actually help until I found a therapist whose type of therapy and whose personality actually fit with me.

 

Have you thought about joining a support group? You were a victim of spousal abuse (verbal abuse counts, and smashing a mirror over your head and pushing you is certainly physical abuse), and getting together with other people who have had similar experiences could be really healing. I guess what I'm trying to say in this post is that arming yourself with more information about your situation (recovering from spousal abuse) would help you. I'm sure there are plenty of books out there to give you a good starting point as well.

 

Please please recognize that you are not a mistake. I've read other posts you've written, and it's clear that you a strong person that will pull through all of this. Treat yourself with kindness, you deserve it.

[boston23]

Now that I think about it, you should go out today and get yourself a book about healing after spousal abuse. The other things might take some time to implement (meds, therapist), but the more you learn about your situation the better I think you will do.

[buba]

Thanks for your support, as always...

I have plenty of books on abusive relationships. I know the cycle of abuse...honeymoon/heart and flowers stage( ohhh, so sweet!), build up anger stage...Explosion!!!!, back to remorse and honeymoon stage.....

and, yes, I am a product of a broken home ( mom died of alcoholism a year ago after 35 years of drinking). I have no family in the US. His mother(who drinks and gambles a lot) was a mother I always wanted to have. as sick as it is, we bonded in the beginning and I even invited her to travel with us to foreign countries, cause I liked her. I had no idea that she was competing with me from the very start...I was taking her precious son away from her...He even admitted to me once that his mother hates me and he doesn't want to hurt her. I know what you're thinking. It's sick.

He left me after I refused to pay all the bills alone, heh.

He found another. She calls me disguisting bi**h, she calls me old...she knows which buttons to push. He manages to hurt me through her insults. His punishment is brutal. I guess he found her while I was pregnant.

why did I call him last night? I managed to keep n/c for a year....

I hurt again. There was never " I am sorry"on his part. I even had to drive myself to the hospital to get an abortion...I had to pay for it....he never called to find out if I was O.K. I sent him a huge busket of roses a day after our divorce was final. His mother was wearing white dress at our divorce hearing. He wore the same suit he was wearing for our wedding. Pathetic. I know.

I guess he is happy with his girlfriend, whoever she is.I heard him laugh last night while she was insulting me....my pain is his pleasure.

I do have a therapist. Nothing seems to erase the damage....I married him till death do us part. I loved him. I used to watch him sleep for hours...I have never loved anyone as deeply.

He used to tell me that his love for me was never going to change...he wrote cards thanking havens for a beautiful wife like me...

I wanted his baby...I regret listening to his mother.

Why am I being hated like this?

who cares anymore.

I picture him holding her like he used to hold me...picture them happy.

Relapces of pain suck. I don't believe in love any longer.

I never managed to move on. after reading other people's posts on ENA, I realise that it's abnormal to still grieve like this after two years...people usually move on after a while...

I gave him all the power...tears falling on my computer as I am typing this...I feel like a five year old...helpless and betrayed.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think it is the feeling betrayed and the lack of closure that is getting to you more than anything. Can you really love a man who treats you in that way? I think you love the man you thought he was...the man who was tender and kind at the beginning. I think that is the image you are keeping in your heart...in order to get over him, you need to see him as the monster that he is...the one who verbally abused you, physically abused you, was controlled by his mother and who is completely and totally bonkers. This is the reality of who he is. And the new girlfriend....well, don't believe she is having an easy time of it. A person's character doesn't change. What he did to you is what he is doing to her. The fact that she is mouthing off to you shows that she herself is incredibly insecure. I bet they have major fights in which both are abusive to each other. You think life is hunky dory with the two of them...I doubt that very much. They are both messed up.

 

Focus on yourself and all the wonderful things you have to offer. You have so much going for you...love yourself, find peace within yourself. Be grateful that he is out of your life because you have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy without being dragged down by an abusive nutcase. You had a very unhealthy attachment to him and put him too much on a pedastal (watching him sleep for hours etc). Time to think of who he really is...he is a loser who is not worth your energy. We all make mistakes and fall for the wrong person...you are lucky that you didn't spend decades married to him. He did you a big favour by walking out of your life. Move forward to a brighter future and don't look back to your relationship with him which was really not so wonderful.

[boston23]

I agree with Crazyaboutdogs on that. The next step to healing is getting him off that pedestal you've built him. It's tough to be harsh on someone we feel we still love, but work on being realistic about who he is and how it's much much better to be out of that situation. Put yourself on your own pedestal. Maybe you need to start having goals about the healing process. In terms of: "this week I'm going to work on thinking about myself in x, y and z ways and when I think about myself in a negative manner, I'm going to do this instead." Dunno, just think that if you're matter of fact about all this stuff (which is tough, I know!) it could help you.

 

I'm still sticking by what I said about the therapy and meds. If they're not working for you, then they need to change.

[sunday13]

My mom was in a very abusive relationship before meeting my dad. She married young, at 19. He would cheat on her, verbally abuse her, and left her pregnant because he did not want kids and she would not get an abortion. They divorced, but once their daughter was born, he even abused her sexually. My mom cut all ties and won full custody of my half-sister. My mom was 23. She spent the next 7 years working on herself, her spiritual growth, and raising her daughter. She resolved she would just be single forever...and she was okay with that! Then, one day at work she sees my dad. She sees him again that Sunday at church. Wondering why she never noticed him before, he came up to her and asked what places around were good for taking people out on dates. He asked another woman out, oblivious that my mom liked him. Well, they just developed a friendship that love blossomed from and the rest is history. They've been married for 27 years now and my mom says my dad is her best friend.

 

They say a divorce, especially a bad one, it takes about 7 years to truly get over it. It can certaintly differ depending on each individual case, but you are doing fine. You are normal, and things WILL get better.

[friscodj]

Hey buba-

 

I have been following your story very closely and have some thoughts for you.

 

First of all, you are comparing your story to others on ENA and likely in your life and feeling like you should be progressing faster than you are, that your healing progress here is "abnormal" and "pathetic". This is only magnifying the heartache and feelings of diminished self-worth here. Your story is not like anyone else's on here by any stretch of the imagination and you are one tough woman to even be standing after such experiences.

 

Have you read your post again? About your family life growing up, mother dying, her alcoholism, the abuse, the divorce, the abortion. Each of these things on their own is monumental in their respective rights but put them together?

 

You have been given a cross to bear here that I can't even imagine facing in my own life. And you know what? You are handling things much better than you think. It sure seems to me knowing what I know about your life and this situation that the trend has been the good days have generally been outnumbering the bad. You had one setback here, have taken one step back with the phone call and in light of everything else that has been telling me you are healing here, I'd say you are still doing better than you think with dealing with this unbelievably monumental situation.

 

And in many senses I believe this phone call to be the kick in the head you needed to really and truly start knowing and believing deep in your heart and soul that this situation is over. Sometimes I think we need to feel a deep sting to gain deep realization with situations and I think this time applies to that generalization.

 

I think in many senses you were holding onto one or two last strings of this, afraid to let such an emotional place go, one that you have gained familiarity with through years of dysfunctional relationships, and one that in many senses feels comfortable to you based on such history. At least you had the familiarity, albeit unhealthy and restrictive, to hold onto, but now you feel you have nothing. In time, you'll adapt to this and the freedom will become "normal" to you. It's OK to let go, it's OK to be alone, it's OK to be happy.

 

So in short, I think that phone call is absolutely going to help you get to where you need to be faster and more surely.

 

Aside from this situation with your ex, there are definitely deeper issues to address here. I would consider changing counselors, or seeing multiple counselors. Break your issues up and address each separately, perhaps one to talk about your family life, one to talk about the relationship your ex, one to talk about the abortion and how that affected you (because I think that is the deepest here), or just get different perspectives about everything. Perhaps consider changing your anti-depressants as well?

 

At any rate, you were on the right track and you still are on the right track with this. You may have tripped and fallen face down on this path but you are still on it and you'll get up and keep going at whatever pace is right for you.

[buba]

They say a divorce, especially a bad one, it takes about 7 years to truly get over it. It can certaintly differ depending on each individual case, but you are doing fine. You are normal, and things WILL get better.

 

 

7 years...I guess five more for me...seven years of misery? I am not sure I can last that long if I feel this way...

[buba]

Friscodi, thanks...I needed your advice.

You're right...may be I needed another kick in the teeth...my anxiety was growing and I even thought that he might be missing me as much as I do...now I know just how he DOESN"T. I am ashamed for being so naive and for calling him....He is full of hate.

sometimes I wander why he demonstrates his relationship with such pride, puts her on the phone...gosh, why such punishment?

O.K., he doesn't love me and he moved on and he never wanted a child...well, at least have some respect for me, without such brutal punishment...he needs to hurt, hurt, hurt me.....and then some more.

I wasn't the one who left him...what did I do to create such hatred?

When he filed for divorce,(after i set my boundaries) I asked for nothing in return, even though he always promised to pay me back one day...he barely ever worked and had a $600 a month weed habit, whenever he did work a bit (as a bartender), it will go towards his weed and I will be taking care of the rest of the bills. if i brought it up, he would say;"well, you lived alone before me, right? how is it different financially? i moved in with you...you're still at the same house!" yes, i know...pretty sick. i guess, love is really blind, heh...

I wander if he filed for divorce to punish me for not willing to put up with his habit, cause after I responded to his divorce papers, he was supposed to file one final paper to finish it. He never did. Six months later I asked him to finish it...he didn't.

So I went ahead and finished it myself. wonder if he was just messing with my head, wanted some control...wonder if my actions (finishing up what he started) made him furious..., took away the control. Otherwise, why such hate?

[friscodj]

Hey buba-

 

I think it is very productive for your healing process here that you are examining the situation, beating it to death with overanalyzation, expressing yourself and getting it out like this. We are all listening to you and we care about you very much.

 

Like I said before, I think you took a big step towards better emotional places by calling him and squashing your illusions with another beating. Not that I recommend you continue to do this, but doing what you did seems to have shaken you up and hopefully when the sediment settles with this, you will have a clearer vision towards better places.

 

I think your next big step will come when you turn this horrible situation with your ex into a positive motivator to really look into and work on some things about yourself relating to your past relationships including this one. I think you will find peace with this situation faster when you make a positive experience out of a horrible one when it motivates you to address some unseated issues from your past and from this.

 

And you are doing that, I see the wheels of the machinery turning on that very clearly. You are alleviating and processing a lot exhibited by your posts here and you are working with a therapist. You are doing the right things, there is nothing wrong with you, these feelings are all normal and this is not your fault. Your mother's alcoholism is not your fault, her death is not your fault, the way your ex treated you is not your fault. You ask several times why he is doing this, why, why, why.

 

At least realize and believe that he did not treat you the way he did because you failed or you were wrong or your were a bad spouse and this is punishment for that. The man and his family have serious problems and you got caught up in those problems which caused some unseated issues with your past perhaps to become exacerbated.

 

What I'm seeing and reading here is progress. Not the speedy and sure progress you want but forward progress nonetheless.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just something to bear in mind....one someone appears to get pleasure out of causing someone emotional pain, it means that they themselves are full of self-loathing and insecurity. A person who has moved on and is happy in their life, does not feel the need to stick it to others. This man is not happy at all...not in his life, not in his new relationship, not within himself. Don't think his life is grand and glorious while yours is in the toilet. The reality is, you are in a much happier place than he is because all he has is vindictiveness and self-loathing in his heart.

[ladyspirit]

Hello Buba,

 

I know how you feel. I was dating an unstable man and it messed with my emotions. He is with someone else, and although I don't want him back because I know he was unhealthy and verbally abusive, I have my moments where I still cry about it ( like today, actually). It's been around 5 months, and we were dating for 3 years. I have days when I'm fine, and others when I am in disbelief.

 

When you wrote about the beautiful things he would say to you in the beginning, I understand how it is unbelievable that someone could express such things, and then just turn around and not give a damn. But yes, some people are like that, and my ex was. I have tons of moments where I think: oh my God, how could he have said this and that, and then be the complete opposite? This is what is hardest for me to get over.

 

People affect us in different ways, and some relationships affect us more than others. It's absolutely normal that you are still mourning over this person. You have been through a lot with him and because of him ( including the abortion). He made you believe he was a great man, with deep feelings and a loving heart. He manipulated you. He was not what he claimed to be. And by the way, my ex smoked pot too, and it will affect their behavior...becoming aloof and selfish. You ARE better off without him. Pot heads can't feel things normally. They are disconnected from feelings: their own, and those of others.

 

Continue writing to us if you need to. You're not alone It will get better. It's just cycles; that's how the mourning process goes. Some days are good, others not as good...but what is certain is that with time comes insight, and with insight comes release. You will get over this. You will release it, Don't give up on yourself. You can do it. Be patient with yourself.

[buba]

Thank you guys for validating my feelings.

This place (ENA) is wonderful.

Will see my therapist today, will ask for different antidepressant.....aaaahhhh, If I can only go back a few days...

Before I called him...

Who cares any more. It's done.

Her words " you're f***ing old" are ringing in my head...

This world is full of evil.

Gotta be tough to survive.

[yokeydokey]

Thank you guys for validating my feelings.

This place (ENA) is wonderful.

Will see my therapist today, will ask for different antidepressant.....aaaahhhh, If I can only go back a few days...

Before I called him...

Who cares any more. It's done.

Her words " you're f***ing old" are ringing in my head...

This world is full of evil.

Gotta be tough to survive.

 

Not full of evil - there is much good. Some of it is right here on this website. Who cares? We do.

 

I'm 10 years older than you and I'm not f***ing old as long as I see the world as fresh and new every day. You are in the beautiful full bloom of life. The world needs you!

[buba]

Feeling more content today. Has anyone been in an abusive relationship and suffered abuser's departure for as long as I do?

I feel ashamed for calling...I was doing so much better...

are those relapses of pain common? Even after you feel strong ?

and the shame...now he knows that I am still hurting...after two years.

Oh, well....can't reverse that, right?

You're so right about N.C!

Works wonders! I just needed another kick in the teeth...I asked for it...

He could enjoy my misery, heh...and, trust me, he is thrilled!

My pain is his pleasure...

F**k him! Aaaaah! I am really angry now. Sorry for swearing...I know you understand.

[friscodj]

I just needed another kick in the teeth...I asked for it...

 

Sometimes a good beat-down is what we need to get set straighter with emotionally consuming situations. They are necessary. There may be no other way to get such direction. And we never forget these beatings, which is very important I think in situations like this.

 

Your feelings of shame with contacting him are just more motivation to quit investing so much time and emotional energy over a colossal piece of .

 

Again, you are doing a lot better with this. You didn't contact him during the holidays, birthday, or anniversary right? It sure sounds like you think you took a step backwards by calling him but in reality it was like taking a "step back" from an obstacle you are about to jump over to me.

[buba]

friscodj, you just made my night...

A colossal piece of ***t, ha? Perfect description!

And, yes, my anger stems from taking this giant step back after doing so well...not calling during the Holidays, Valentines, etc...

The good thing is, after this phone call I realised that he is the same old, raging, ignorant indifferent, pain inflicting creature...yes, creature.

It;s been a loooong time since he left and somehow I thought he might have regrets, misses me...heheh...aaah, so naive on my part.

Now I know for sure. He doesn't give a damn! Gotta stop daydreaming! wake up, it's been two years...well, absense doesn't make the heart grow fonder...not in my book.And this is my closure. Really is.

[GottaLetItBurn]

It's the classic abusive situation where you hold onto the one holding you back. It's strange how a good guy can treat a woman like a queen and she doesn't want him, and the abusive guy beats her down mentally and she wants him.

 

Time to think about whats best...not the most exciting emotional roller coaster you can get on. Move on move on.

[friscodj]

The good thing is, after this phone call I realised that he is the same old, raging, ignorant indifferent, pain inflicting creature...yes, creature.

 

Your hope that he would change is 100% normal and OK.

 

You gave the situation one last chance, believed in the chance that his behavior was due in large part to the situation, one in which you were a part of, and that enough time had passed to where he was over the situation and thus his behavior.

 

In this way, you maybe thought he was being the way he was because you were not a good spouse to him, but after all this time and all this time away from you, he is still the way he is. I'm sure this gave you some validation that he himself, at the core, is not a good person, and that has nothing to do with you or what you did.

 

And I personally believe all this was part of a bigger plan for you. Even before this relationship it sounds like you had some deep-seated issues from your past, ones that precluded you from having a healthy relationship or desiring or thinking you deserved a healthy relationship. This monumentally painful situation with your ex here likely served the bigger purpose of changing your perspective on relationships and what you desire. After having gone through this, albeit devastating and painful for so long, it was necessary to reset your switches and point your appreciation for love in better directions. I think someday, when you are in a healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationship, or even just truly away from all this pain and have a hopeful outlook for such, you will look back and be thankful for all of this.

[buba]

Gottaletitburn, it has a lot to do with our learned behavior...as a child I saw distraction, alcoholism, abuse...

You think love is pain...it's familiar...like a pair of old comfy shoes.

Pain isn't love. It shouldn't be. Takes a lot of work to change the pattern....

I am willing to do the work.

Those painful relapces along the way are common, I guess.

It's not easy.

[friscodj]

It's strange how a good guy can treat a woman like a queen and she doesn't want him, and the abusive guy beats her down mentally and she wants him.

 

This to me is one of the great mysteries of the human psyche. I have no idea why this is. I mean, there are technical explanations like she has low self-esteem, thinks she deserves this treatment, it is familiar and thereforeeee comfortable for her, etc., but the question of why it exists and why people work this way is beyond me.