I can't seem to recover. Relapce of pain...after two years...so pathetic.

[buba]

there is no mystery to it, frisco. not nesessarily low self esteem( there are plenty of really hot women that get involved with raging jerks).

I lived it. Hated it, but always thought that I could make the difference and stop the abuse...

Well, love to me was "pain"...it's what I knew since I was a little girl.

Trying to help/save my mom from her alcoholism for years...till she died from it last year. I felt betrayed.

So, I married "HER". My ex was just like her...rude, addicted, cold, full of lies, but extremely charming and funny when he chose to be.

When he chose to be....And it was sooooooooooo familiar, frisco.

With his departure I felt betrayed, just like I felt with my mom's death.

How come? I couldn't make a difference? Oh, well....

I know that I got to UNLEARN my old behavior/patterns... the ones that are wired in the lymbic system of my brain......oh, i know.

I am finally sick and tired of being sick and tired...I really want a change. I can't afford to fall in love with another jerk. I want kindness. Oh, I think I finally know how to appreciate it....

and it's a process...painful one. Cause it's not what I know. And it's not my fault. It's just my learned behavior, it's what was modeled to me for years...it's what "love" was...love was supposed to hurt. Pretty messed up, isn't it?

So, there is no mystery to it. If I grew up in a nurturing home, I would of had a different set of ideals....i know, kinda sad. We really have to clean up the mess that our parents created...if we wanna be happy.

I am a magnet for abusive man.

I still got a lot of work to do in order not to pick up 'projects" any longer,-men that need to be saved....men that live with their moms at 35(my ex), play x-box, sit on the couch and smoke weed 24/7 while I am working towards my PH.D.

See? He has incomplete AA degree and I am working on my PH.D., and it doesn't mean anything.....he still managed to turn me into a zero.

Even a minus, heh...and I am still dwelling in this s**t. Pretty pathetic.

thanks mom...

I think , somewhere deep inside he knows that he is a loser...after all, I was paying the bills (just like his mom), heh...I told him that I am not going to do it any longer. He needs to get his s**t together and start being a partner...I set my boundaries. Abusers hate boundaries! It's all about control and power OVER someone, which is different from real power.

Boundaries? I'll show you! I will cut you off like you never existed. I'll show you!

Abusers are usually Borderline and they put you on a golden pedestal...but when they knock you off that pedestal, you become yesterday trash. In a second. There is no remorse. Ever! Just hatered. Coldblooded hatered. And it lasts till the very end....

Yes, it hurts me as a woman who gave and gave and cared and carried his child...it hurts me.

And this is who I chose to love and marry!

I know, pretty sick on my part. I want to scream at myself...Get a life!

Look who managed to steal my heart? An angry loser, an addict, momma's boy!

Buba!!!!!! Get a life! You waisted two years hurting over this piece of s**t!

wonder if his present girlfriend who insults me over the phone lets him get away with the abuse,..cause it's not going anywhere. trust me, it's not going anywhere...she will become yesterday's trash someday...and than another victim would be on a golden pedestal...for a while....till he knocks her off that pedestal and turns her into trash. It's his only power.

Such low life, miserable soul...hiding under his momma's skirt and borrows her brain...well, she has none.

I needed to vent. Sorry. I f***ing called and gave him the luxury of knowing that I miss him still....after two years...and he loved it! And he gave the phone to his girlfriend (to hurt me more)...and she called me degrading names...and I heard him laugh on the background... And it worked. The sword entered my heart again...it worked.

He feels like God now...his omnipotence comes from inflicting pain on me...he Ballooooons as I shrink...he is a Big guy...he managed to F**k me over...he is on a mission....

Well, it's a lesson for me. F**k him! Sorry for swearing but madness is better than pain. I really thought that enough time had passed for him to at least have a conversation with me...heheheh.....what was I thinking!

[friscodj]

^ WOW, this is one of the best posts I have ever read on ENA. Such emotion, such cleansing, I love it. Very well done. You should print this out and read it whenever you feel down.

 

Someone should sticky this post. It is deep and true expression. I love it and I love how it is likely making you feel better!

[buba]

frisco, it does make me feel a bit stronger...to vent and to be understood and heard by a bunch of wonderful and caring strangers...

And hearing him laugh while she was insulting me brought me closure. I should just say that I loved him enough to let him hate me. strange...I was missing him terribly just a few days ago...today is different...I am done missing him..funny, he is 6.7 tall, but to me he is no bigger than an insect...disquisting, dangerous kind...the one that can crawl under your skin and eat your heart out...bit by bit...I am sick of it all...some of us have to go through this torture...

In order to learn and grow...in order to appreciate "the good".

I will overcome the shame...of course it's there...it was wrong to call after all this healing and work I've done...

But i got my closure. And I needed it.

[beebee]

your amazing buba... truly... youve been through so much and weathered such pain... everyone on enotalone has felt the same thing but in different circumstances... its not pretty to watch or read... it hurts all of us to see you in such turmoil...

 

i too am in pain after 3 years so i can understand... i will say one thing though... please look into having your anti depressants changed... i was fortunate enough to get a doctor that gave me an hour of her time devoted to finding the right medication for my dilemmas... it was cymbalta... at 30 mgs it wasnt working... then the doctor suggested that i "up" the meds to 60 mgs and to STOP DRINKING... one counteracts the other... this i didnt know or look into... it has helped immensely to the point were i actually not only think straight, but feel the consequences of my breakup and to lay the blame where it belongs... please look into it and keep up the therapy sessions...

 

when its all said and done and you get your mind in order and see from an objective view, i think the one thing that we all feel is anger or disgust at ourselves for being foolish in believing in love (or our ex's)... dont fault yourself for trusting in him and hoping he would change... you have lost so much and there is absolutely NO NEED for you to feel foolish or silly for calling... weve all done it at one time or another... some of the crazy things we do when we are in love and in pain... amazing... look at the astronaut and what she did for love... i never went to that extent, but i can surely say i understand her obsession...

 

know im praying for you... beebee

[buba]

look at the astronaut and what she did for love... i never went to that extent, but i can surely say i understand her obsession...

 

know im praying for you... beebee

 

 

beebee, Thanks for your prayers...

[buba]

strange, isn't it?

I really think I got my closure. amasing....I was daydreaming about him still missing me...now I am faced with reality,and today it doesn't hurt.

A few insults after two years of ignorance...

All of a sudden, I don't have any more questions...it's done.

Now I can stop daydreaming and really MOVE ON...

See? I guess, as painful as it was....it helped me understand that I spent two years daydreaming and missing someone who is not capable to even say Hi....kinda cool actually. Yyyyyyyyyyessssssssss!

I think he is history. Today is a good day...I hope it will last.

I hope you don't mind me posting here...it helps with a progress.

[Daddy Bear]

Wow.

 

I just saw this thread for the first time, and what a poignant story I found. It's so ripping sad to hear about someone feeling so hurt and alone, especially in a place like here in L.A. where the people are stacked up on one another lie firewood. It was so awesome to get to your last post and read how you're finally healing from all the sorrow you've been through.

 

Big thumbs up, buba, and may the gorgeous SoCal sun never leave your heart.

 

Oh, and "old" in your thirties? Pfff... puh-LEEZE.

[buba]

somebloke,

Thanks for your resonance.

All I can say is: I hope it will last....

praying for piece of mind...

[friscodj]

All I can say is: I hope it will last....

praying for piece of mind...

 

My experience tells me there is an associated cycle here, i.e., you will have good days and you will have worse days. That's what I have seen and lived. The overall trend will be better but maybe if you feel lonely or see a reminder of the situation, maybe even a ways away, the memories may make you a little sad.

 

I'm not saying this to be a killjoy. I'm saying this to make a point that if this does happen, you are not "set back" or "going backwards" or that there is something wrong with you for feeling this way. You are still going forward in your healing and you will continue to do so. And perhaps thinking realistically in this way will eliminate the stigmata associated with him and the situation between you two bringing you to peace with everything faster and more completely.

 

Give yourself an emotional "margin for error" with this and don't expect perfection, that's my point.

[marusha]

Honey, I feel so much for you. I am in a similar situation. I am from different country, my husband divorced me and we have a beautiful son together. Contrary to you, I blame myself for the marriage failure, I was a horrible wife, not suportive, patient etc. But he did also put me through hell just when the baby was born - I am not worth anything, worthless, not what he was bargaining for etc. After years of fighting in court, I feel now that every fiber of my body is destroyed butnI still love him. We share custody, I am away most of the time form my little boy ( 4 years old), he manipultes me, but I feel this unhealthy attachment to him, this eternal love, feeling of SADNESS AND that God married us but the court clerck divorced... I can't get over him, his inteligence, wits, brights, looks and I was given second chance but blew it off. ( long story). I think of myself as a horrible useless person, * * * *ty mother ( I cannot concentrate on my son when he is with me etc). But then another things happens - he is madly in love with another woman and totally all over me, acts like 20 years old, tonns of sex ( both do not work), exposing our son to all this different environment etc. I didn't even know my son's whereabouts when he is in his new girl froend's house. She is a tramp, 4 times married before but I try at least to keep my son out of this though I was so hust that I told my son she is " an old * * * * *". This all is terrible and I feel I am a * * * * of a mother... Abortions are hard but you never ever want to be part of what it seems normal to this culture - to take child away from you ( we were inseparable before ) and do this horrible thing - having to be envolved with new girlfriends, them playing mommy to my child, harming the child psychologically etc. God, I know what you are going through, Buba, I have the same urge to call and call his new girl friend an old tramp and a * * * * * but I just gight with my demons,,, I 'm like you not over this thing, this love. marriage, flowers, beautiful romance, but you did nothing wrong and I ruined it myself, tat's what I think. I love you, Buba, there will be end to this torture, there will be end to self torment, please have faith and courage. Pain makes us stronger, every break up is hard, there is no valuew in this society but you ARE NOT ALONE, HONEY, there are thousands like you trying to heal, suffering every minute, blaming themselves,been angry, jealous etc. Please honey, move on as hard as it seems. I would recommend going to Medoterranian.

 

Please honey, things so far didn't get better for me ( I canpt omagne myself to slepp with anyont but my ex) It's crazy but we just have to cope.

 

Love tonns

 

maria ( I am from Russia)

[buba]

Dear Maria,

How long it's been since he left?

frisco, you're so right about cycles...

See? yesterday was a lot better than today...

My sadness is such a familiar state...in general.

I am aware of those cycles...awareness brings change.....

Thanks for your support. I am glad to have you.

[friscodj]

frisco, you're so right about cycles...

See? yesterday was a lot better than today...

My sadness is such a familiar state...in general.

I am aware of those cycles...awareness brings change.....

 

Hi B-

 

Glad to hear you are doing OK. I would like to add a couple of thoughts here...

 

You say that "yesterday was a lot better than today". I think it is good to look at the progression with this healing process on a larger-scale. If there comes a today where it wasn't as good as yesterday, think back to the beginning with this and to your worst times, really remember the details of these times and then look at the larger-scale trend with your healing process. I bet that will provide some positive motivation to make today better than yesterday and certainly better than the beginning with all of this...

 

And then you say "awareness brings change". What also brings change I think is you actually bringing the change by action to do so. So what's the next step for you in this process? You are aware, now what?

[buba]

Frisco, yes, now what????

well, I was to really compare my previous states...well, yes, I am doing better...

[buba]

Not the greatest of days...will go to the beach and watch the ocean...

I am over the anger part, even though I find anger helpful.

Trying to develop some coping skills to deal with the past...after all, it's the past....I don't feel sorry for myself for failing...this sadness has a lot to do with the choices I made. Such wrong choices.

[buba]

Funny, was out with friends tonight...

Men are trying to talk to me...

Offering to buy me drinks, asking for my phone number..., heh...

I went home alone. I have no desire to be amongst them.

It feels like I am stuck...I can't move on like the rest of you on ENA.

Damn...I found out that he met her while we were still married...it explains a lot. That is why I became yesterday's trush in a second...

Yes, I don't know if I'll be able to trust men any longer...especially here, in Hollywood...

Aaaaah, sometimes I feel strong, but something always brings me back down...

Sucks to give up on yourself...

[friscodj]

Hey buba-

 

I have a couple of thoughts regarding your last two posts here, respectively:

 

1) I think it will benefit you greatly if you are able to turn this seemingly painful and terrible situation into one that generates some positive motivation to make positive changes in your life.

 

Perhaps there is something deeper here? Perhaps this situation, your role in it, and as such your feelings are tied to your past and addressing those issues is a deeper and thus more effective solution here. Perhaps this situation with your ex will be looked back upon one day as the "experience that turned your life around", that opened your eyes and motivated you to dig deep within yourself, figure out the sources of and the depth of your patterns, and improve them.

 

I think if you are able to turn this into a stimulus for positive change in your life vs. looking at this on the surface, it will take you to the next level of healing and acceptance with this, almost like it is a necessary part of your development. That might unstick you from this situation.

 

2) Your detachment also indicates to me that you are moving forward here. I have seen that it is very normal and common for people to detach like you describe, to emotionally recluse like this, almost as if emotionally going to sleep for a while after a long and tiring day.

 

What does that mean? When you wake up, that long and tiring day will be over. The sun will shine again, and you will have another day, another opportunity to live your life.

 

So roll with this. Give up, don't trust men, be alone. I think this is an understandable and necessary phase to go through after an experience like yours.

 

At any rate, it will pass and you will be fine. It always works out that way . It may take some time so why not find some positivity in this process as well and really flourish in the aspects of your life that are truly yours right now that being in a relationship might interfere with!

[NaNOx9]

there is no mystery to it, frisco. not nesessarily low self esteem( there are plenty of really hot women that get involved with raging jerks).

 

Actually the most attractive women I know seem to be the biggest sufferers of low self esteem.

[buba]

Frisco, you said: "So roll with this. Give up, don't trust men, be alone. I think this is an understandable and necessary phase to go through after an experience like yours."

 

Even if it's been two years?

Last night I was playing our music video over and over (I used him as my love interest in my video)...

I was overwhelmed by memories, there was a lot of kissing on the beach...

I felt such sadness, the kind that leaves you hopeless and disensitized to the rest of the world...

Frisco, I agree, may be one day I will look at it as a necessary learning experience that turned my life around.

Right now I don't see it coming...was thinking about ending my life last night again. Just to escape the same old painful existence.

I am just so damn tired of hurting. all the work I've done...Psychotherapy, antidepressants, helping others...nothing seems to work. As I said earlier...I am stuck.

[Daddy Bear]

Step away from the video! I don't know you personally, but I hate to think of you torturing yourself that way. Make another one, and make it all about you and the great future at your fingertips.

 

I don't think it's necessarily helpful for you to lose faith in men as a whole, either. There are many out there - even here in Plastic City I know some - who have what it takes to make a relationship last. Unles you hide under your bed, you'll run into one before too long.

 

Do you remember the old song, I think it was the Osmonds:

 

"One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl..."

[friscodj]

Hey B-

 

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles with all of this. Don't you wish there was a magic wand that could be waved and make this all go away?

 

At any rate, I think from reading your post mentioning the music video, you are holding onto what was good and should also remember the bad. Be fair here; whenever you find yourself getting wrapped up in the good of the past, also recall the bad. Be fair, one for one.

 

When you do this, I think you will see these good times were really superficial. The activity, the idea of closeness, connectedness with a man in an intimate relationship, etc. is what you are really holding onto here. He was just a variable in this equation, a means to this end, because he himself at the core sounds to be no good. And you know this...

 

We talked about abusiveness and familiarity with such before, how we seek what is familiar to us, etc. I see that happening here.

 

Accept your situation, your place here. You are not abnormal or "pathetic" as you mention in the title of this thread. The desire to seek a relationship will return I guarantee it. How long will it take? As long as it needs to. Try to accept this and accept that what is taking place right now, these struggles to understand and manage yourself, the sources of your attraction, and your familiar destructive patterns will ultimately help you have better relationships in the future.

 

And this process as well as these better relationships won't necessarily "feel" right to you right away nor should they. What your attraction knows as "right" got you stuck in this situation with your ex. And you've known such situations your entire life! Yeah it's going to take some time here to readjust and reorient for the better!

 

So focus on the cleansing process and process of change and betterment within yourself here. You are very much wrapped up in the time aspects of this which is generating hopelessness and doubt in your mind. You had some very deep and serious experiences in your life that rooted this situation with your ex. You are digging in and cutting away at these roots of this weed. You are making forward progress with this I can see it clearly. It isn't happening at the rate you like but it is happening. Focus on that.

 

Remember where you started with this. Remember your old destructive patterns and how now you can see them and desire to avoid them. You are not hopeless, not by any stretch of the imagination. You are cleaning out the emotional garage and throwing out the bad stuff. It looks empty and barren now, but with your new sense of desire and selectivity, you will acquire more memories and fulfillment to fill your space. Right now, you're tired and rightfully so. You had a lot of stuff to take to the garbage. Your desires will return and life seems to have a funny way of presenting us with unplanned opportunities to snap this into action.

[buba]

Frisco, thanks so much...as always.

You said:

 

'At any rate, I think from reading your post mentioning the music video, you are holding onto what was good and should also remember the bad. Be fair here; whenever you find yourself getting wrapped up in the good of the past, also recall the bad. Be fair, one for one."

 

Yes, I have this brutal tendency to hold on to those good memories...they seem to be wired in my brain...

I need to remember "the bad"...I'll try.

Went out last night again...even though I am not interested in anyone and have major trust issues, it's still better to be out there, talking to strangers...funny, got six phone numbers from guys...I am sure they all want one thing...I am tall, blond, and it's Hollywood, heh...

Sometimes I feel so numb...in order not to get hurt again, I am afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to be "me"...

I look in the mirror and there is this reflection of me...

woke up this morning...headache...a few coctails too many...

Well, it's better than thinking about dying.

It's just not me. And I miss "me"...

It scares me in a way, all of a sudden I got so fed up with hurting for over two years...I chose distraction...being out, acting silly, etc...

It feels empty, but my solitude is worse...I had plenty of it.

I tried to better myself after he left me...

aaaaaah, as I said earlier...all the work I've done!

I am now in a "F**K IT" mode...

I hate it, but it's still better than hurting...it's just not "ME"...

sounds like ongoing depression?

well, I take antidepressants religiously..., heh...

That's why "pathetic' was the word I chose, Frisco.

The treatment I received was too brutal..., don't you think?

we were not just dating...we were married. I thought it was forever.

My dreams are crushed.

I am not the person I used to be...one of the reasons I am holding on to good memories...the video, etc...they also bring me back "ME"...

[friscodj]

Hey B-

 

Let me reiterate in light of what you just wrote and say again that you are not pathetic.

 

Just keep doing this. Whenever you catch yourself stuck in reminiscing about the good times, catch these thoughts and replace them with a bad memory. There are plenty to choose from I know...

 

Another suggestion for you is trying group therapy. I know you mention you are seeing a therapist right now and perhaps the group dynamic, the presense of peers in the flesh in this setting, will help take you to the next level with this?

 

And from the sounds of your last post, you definitely sound to be fighting with this. You seem to associate past work you've done with failure when you reach low points in this cycle of healing, that you've done all this work for nothing because you feel bad. Again, I urge you to look at the large-scale here vs. day-to-day feelings. It's tough because we remember yesterday and how we felt very clearly but the memories of feelings from a year ago are dimmer. Read your other thread you posted when this first started, read through it, and then read this one. I see a lot of progress and I'm sure you will too.

 

You mention you are in "F-IT" mode. Try that with this fight here within yourself. You're afraid, don't feel like you, etc. F-IT, it is what it is and getting angry, frustrated, upset about it, etc. is only making it worse. It's time to let this go, let go of this familiarity, this connection with your past association with destructive patterns. Perhaps working towards this end will help you to.

 

At any rate, the crux of the process here to get you to better places takes your choices, your action, and your effort. No one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to drink. You can certainly choose not to do this. We here and your therapist can say everything "right", you can have the best medicine, but ultimately you yourself have to toughen up and make this happen. There is no substitute for that.

[buba]

I agree...It's time to let go of the past...

I took a loooong Yoga class this evening, felt such relief, glad I was able to force myself to go...

I should go every day. It was cleansing and healing.

It's better than giving up on myself, feeling hopeless and pitiful, meeting strangers at bars, wearing a "mask", trying to hide my vulnerability...

I pray for the pain to leave my body...just go away...forever.

Frisco, I am grateful for your support...

Trust me, as stuck as I am, I do hear you and appreciate every word of validation.

and, yes, "F**k it" mode is just a lame excuse to avoid dealing with reality.

I am not out partying this evening, it's a good thing...

I should develop tolerance for those shocking waves of pain/memories...

They seem to hit me hard. I will try to replace the good memories with the ones of lies, abuse and cheating...

please, bear with me,I would be needing some support in the meantime...

Do you really think there is light in the end of the tunnel and I will be able to look back and thank God that we parted ways?

I hope there is Karma and that everything happeneds for a reason...

[friscodj]

Do you really think there is light in the end of the tunnel and I will be able to look back and thank God that we parted ways?

 

"Look back" and thank God? Look back? Look "right now" and thank God! Remember what this guy did to you! Are you kidding me? In your next post, list out the terrible things he did...

 

And look, you are really fine right now. You can walk, you can talk, you are free, you really are. You can do anything you want, you are constrained by nothing but abstract thoughts, feelings, and memories. Nothing is physically holding you back from your life and neither is your mind. You can do this, you can be happy. Look at those people less fortunate, less privileged, those who are truly "stuck" and far worse off than yourself. You are pursuing a living using your talent, you are attractive, you are intelligent, pursuing a Ph.D., you help people in your career, you have so much! And you continue to let what you don't have and what you don't want, i.e., your ex weigh you down.

 

You could be far worse off, have some physical handicap that does not go away as this pain and the memories of this situation will, etc., and you are free. You could still be with your ex, you could being dug in deeper into these destructive patterns, you could be just breaking up now. Keep this in perspective!

[buba]

Trying hard....still stuck....some days are better than others... still can't believe it's really real....