I can't seem to recover. Relapce of pain...after two years...so pathetic.

[Locke2121]

*Kiss*

 

Day by day sweetness. Thats all you can do. Always keep in mind that you are a wonderful, beautiful person who deserves EVERYTHING that life has to offer! Its all out there for the taking! A real man who won't be mean to you, who knows the value of a hard day's work. One that know how to make his woman feel loved, and would cry for joy at the news of his lady being pregnent! He and the life he offers is out there...just look for them!

[buba]

*Kiss*

 

Day by day sweetness. Thats all you can do. Always keep in mind that you are a wonderful, beautiful person who deserves EVERYTHING that life has to offer! Its all out there for the taking! A real man who won't be mean to you, who knows the value of a hard day's work. One that know how to make his woman feel loved, and would cry for joy at the news of his lady being pregnent! He and the life he offers is out there...just look for them!

 

 

beautiful words...thank you.

I love this site...so comforting.

You're so right....look who I fell in love with?

A day at the time...sounds good to me.

Frisco, I will list all the terrible things he said or done to me...

He is a pot head, I wonder if he still remembers my name...

I spent two years trying to survive. I've changed.

I don't trust men...hope it's temporary.

[buba]

well, it's been a while since my last post...

I need some advice today.

It's been a year and a half since my divorce was final...

Ever since I never went back to the city where he lives, was afraid to be hunted by memories...

He lives there, and we spent a lot of time there together.

It's only 2hours drive from my home...

I will be going there tomorrow.......

just for a night. God! I am so nervous...how could I enjoy myself without being overwhelmed by the memories?

knowing that he lives with someone else...it's such a small city.

How does it feel, to face your fear...

I am scared...

[swtsmr93]

This is a really interesting thread and full of great things.

 

Why are you going back? Will you be alone?

 

When you think about the fear, break it down, what is it that you are afraid of exactly?

[buba]

First of all, I love this little city- Palm Springs.

Used to travel there all the time..., very relaxing, lots of great resorts.

My therapist told me that it's actually helpful to go and make the city mine again...he doesn't own it.

I booked a five star resort, planning on swimming and getting some tan...

Going with a girlfriend.

I am scared, scared, scared...what if I break down and cry?

Was it a mistake to do it after a year and a half?

I waited long enough...man, I am really anxious...

[swtsmr93]

It seems that this might be more nerve wracking than helpful.

 

I can see the logic that he does not own the town. But I also think it is inviting a lot of heartbreak to go to the one place you would have the best opportunity to see him.

 

Even if the likelihood of you actually see him is really remote, the fear that you might would seem to erase the ability to truly enjoy yourself.

 

Now the other thing I wonder is if you are remembering the things you liked to do there before you met him or if you are remembering the places you went with him.

 

We can let our minds convince us of just about anything I have decided. And I have done a variation of this previously(not from most recent guy)because I convinced myself I wanted to go just to go.

 

What will happen if you see him? What will happen if you don't?

 

Did your therapist want you to do this right now or was this something to get to at some time in the future?

[buba]

It's been 2.5 years since he left me and 1.5 years since our divorce was final. Yes, my therapist thinks that I should face my fear and make this place mine again cause I used to travel there twice a month, even before I met my ex...It was my fav. getaway...

I doubt that I will meet him, but fearing my emotional state...memories might trigger some old wounds.

God, I am afraid to fall apart...

[Clabs]

Hey buba

 

Wow - I have just read your entire thread and I have to say that you are an inspiration to us all on here. Any ENA'er who is sitting around moping and feeling sorry for themselves because their girlfriend/boyfriend dumped them would do very well to read this thread and have their troubles put into real perspective - to be shown what real pain and suffering is.

 

You sound like such an amazing person - and I cannot begin to imagine how you have gotten through all this abuse, trauma and adversity in your life. But you are - and I bow down to you.

 

Keep strong and keep working on you, girl. You deserve so much more than all of this crap and you know what - you are going to make it.

 

So far as PS is concerned, I think your therapist is right - I think you should go. Catch those rays, sip that cocktail, feel good about all the guys showing an interest in you.

 

Take care and keep on keeping on. Don't look at the crappy view out of the rear view mirror - look at the beautiful vista out of the windscreen.

 

Mark

[beebee]

I never managed to move on. after reading other people's posts on ENA, I realise that it's abnormal to still grieve like this after two years...people usually move on after a while...

 

dear buba... i too am grieving after 3 years... ive just managed to start accepting that he no longer loves me (crazy isnt it?)... so yes, i do feel foolish also and i understand how you feel...

 

i will be following your progress and i will be hoping and praying for you to heal...

 

God bless... beebee

[buba]

Soooo, I went to P. S.and had a miserable time!!!!!!

Well, first of all, I felt this powerful urge to drive by his house...I also went out to the bar he used to work in...

I Wanted to drive back home instead of spending a night in a beautiful resort I already payed for...called my girlfriend and cried out loud over the phone how much I missed him/us there....it was just awfull.

I managed to spend the night...drove home the next morning and felt such a relief once I walked into my house....I left all my pain out there...I was glad to be back....

I know, It sounds strange...at least now I know...not ready yet.

Can anyone relate?

[swtsmr93]

Yes.

 

I am sorry it was painful and not fun! I know I would not have been able to resist the temptations of driving by or going to places where we use to go, etc.

 

Do you feel better now that you are home? Did it bring any sort of closure for you?

[buba]

Is it normal to still grieve after 2.5 years of separation?I am dating others...hmmm, feeling empty, they are nice guys.I just feel like it's not the same...I guess, despite all the craziness, I really loved my ex-husband. I never felt the same way with anyone...

I wish I could just forget him...I used to pray for him to come back...now I pray for a peace of mind and ask God to help me forget him.

I wonder if he was the love of my life and I will never feel the same way again. It saddens me deeply. Really deeply...

[buba]

"Do you feel better now that you are home? Did it bring any sort of closure for you?"

 

Yes. it was unbearable down there. I felt his presense everywhere.

[swtsmr93]

I pray the exact same thing buba.

 

I don't think you can say how long you should be still mourning. And I think the pressure you put on yourself when you wonder why you are not farther along is hard on you too.

 

I do think that at a certain point you just get fed up with feeling so badly that you will want to start to make changes. Have you been really angry yet or at all with him?

 

That seems to be a key for me at least. I don't need him to know this or do anything to him with the anger but just touching upon is freeing in someway.

 

I am starting to believe that I can feel that way again if I am willing to let myself. This is a dramatic change for me! I am not there by any means.

 

I sincerely hope that you are able to get some peace.

[mr me]

i guess i just wanted to say that when u are in an abusive relationship and u set boundaries usually the person runs away because they always want support. I didnt understand that but i do now. I have been learning alot about my situation and how it happens all the time with people all over the world. I guess i was scared of meeting someone else and goin thru this again but i was wrong. I still get anxiety when anything reminds me of her but i kinda learned to do something that i hope u can do as well. I learned to imagine myself with a dream date or anything and see how someone can still love u for who u are and also that u can find better. its scary to think stuff like this happens and can defeat ur spirit. I just hope what helped me can also help u and i do wish u the best.

[buba]

I don't think I let people get close to me...sort of hoping that I need to be alone in case he desides to come back ...

How stupid of me! But it's so hard to close that door completely...

I set my boundaries with him...,but was it really worth all the suffering?

Years of despair? Was it really worth it?

[swtsmr93]

Ok you are NOT stupid. You are NOT the things that you are telling yourself.

 

Someone mentioned on another post about all of the energy that it takes to keep the demons in the closet(I am paraphrasing)but I can relate to the massive amount of energy it takes to try and pry that door open just a sliver.

 

I have resigned myself to the fact that until I am ready to really give this up I am stuck. And it's up to me to stay stuck.

 

Please know that this is said with a great deal of concern and support: I think you are stuck and it's safer to stay stuck then say--you know what, he treated me like s*&(. I didn't deserve it and I don't deserve to pay for the rest of my life with regret over someone that was not my true partner. And he sucks BECAUSE he wasn't my partner especially when I needed him to be there.

 

If anything, I would wish you the ability to get mad. Really mad. Not destructive to him or yourself. Just mad. It's not a permanant state.

 

I find myself feeling silly that I am still thinking of him and using anger at him as that seems to keep my focus on him. But when I think of the anger I also find it easier to stop thinking of him on a constant aching basis.

 

I don't know if this will help at all. I am trying to feel my way through this. I have found the most incredible amount of inspiration after reading old posts from very strong people. If you read my posts from even just earlier this week this is a massive turn around!!

 

Please feel free to PM me if it would help.

 

Take care.

[buba]

I am dating someone really nice. He cooks me dinners and brings flowers...

He is sucessful and intelligent. But the chemistry I used to have with my ex is not there. I think it will never be there with anyone...

It's really nice to have him around, but that's about it. after 2.5 years...memories are still fresh, just like yesterday...and the more I date, the more I miss my ex. Stuck. stuck.stuck.

Pathetic.

[tiredofvampires]

buba,

 

I am exaclty where you are (minus the dating someone else, though I tried FEEBLY at that, and gave up). I, too, am berating myself for still feeling all this longing, feeling like he was my soulmate, even though all that abusive stuff happened (and mine wasn't even as glaring as yours.) I read your story and wonder how anyone so clearly monstrous as your ex could still hold up in your mind as this one you still love and can't let go of...but then I see how all my friends think I deserved so much better, and yet I cling onto him just as you do.

 

Do you still WANT him back?

 

Do you want what you THOUGHT was HIM? Or the him that he revealed himself to be?

 

What part of him feels irreplaceable?

 

These are questions I am asking myself, and maybe your answers will help me, too, as I think it's important for us to ask what exactly are we still hanging onto? The magic that this person represents, or the whole package of the person they were, or just parts of a person (sobering up to the fact that every person has SOME good and redeeming qualities, but we have to take the packaged deal, not just fish out the pieces we like when we assess what we want in our lives...)

 

What do you think?....

 

(BTW, my ex lives in L.A. and I live accross the ocean in Hawaii, and this fall I have a chance to re-visit L.A. just as you visited Palm Springs, and I have the same fears, that his presense will be everywhere, but I somehow wonder if it would give me some closure to feel that I can be in his city without it being in order to make life with him, as my plan had been...so I know your ordeal so personally!!) It sucks so hard.

[swtsmr93]

buba you have GOT to stop telling yourself you are pathetic and all of the other negative things you are repeating.

 

From reading your posts, you have worlds more going for you than I do for me and I have to say I am envious of this!!

 

You will not have the same or similar chemistry with each man no matter how kind they are to you and that does not make you anything other than human and not at all wrong, etc.

 

Now don't start beating up on yourself because you are stuck either. It is what it is and you know what to do even if you don't know how to feel your way out of it. Have you ever been in a stuck car or truck and tried to get out without being pulled out? You have to move back and forth a little at a time and sometimes you can get out. Sometimes you cannot get out on your own. Other times the back and forth just gets you more stuck!

 

In other words, sometimes instead of doing something we have to do nothing other than sit with it.

 

I am really starting to see that we have to go through things in pieces rather than whole. Who said we had to be intact when our worlds are turned upside down and we liked our worlds before?!

 

Vampire my sister lives in Hawaii! I am of the opinion that the opportunity to prove to yourself that you can be in the same city or area or go to the places you once went is way over rated! And especially at this point in the process.

 

Both of you have my good thoughts and peaceful vibes. I am finding a great deal of strength in reading your posts as from my perspective it is very clear that both of you are so much more than this person and this pain right now.

 

If you were telling your story at the age of 95 would this even be part of it? And if so what part?

 

Take care!

[buba]

I had a few coctails too many and called him....well, I left two mesages stating that I still love him...

It was pathetic. Today I feel like s**t. Depressed and full of regrets....I just seem to relapse after doing well for three or four months...

Seems like it's never going to change. Hate myself...

Please, help...

[swtsmr93]

buba this is really rough.

 

I can so relate to the hating yourself and the sense this will never change.

 

I know I can tell you things that you already know about how this will get better and you should not be hating yourself. I know those words are sort of hollow when you do not see any light at the end of the tunnel.

 

What do you think will help you for today? Just today. When you start to think about the phone calls, my only recommendation is to redirect and think about only what is in front of you for the day. Even if it's nothing official. There is food you will need to eat and that sort of thing.

 

The phone calls, well they happen. I have not broken actual contact(I won't give him the satisfaction)but I have looked for him on line. We had this really odd ironic contact through an on line dating thing but he changed so many of the details on himself I did not know it was him when I initiated contact.

 

The main thing is to try really hard not to beat up on yourself too much! Each time you start to think something about hating you stop and ask yourself what good will this do me?

 

If you need anything please feel free to PM me. I wish there was more to offer you right now as I can just feel the pain in your words.

 

Take care.

[Daddy Bear]

"Relapse" is a strong word. Two steps forward, one step back; such is the nature of recovery.

 

Keep posting; we're pulling for you.

[buba]

It just shows me that I had never really moved on...

Yesterday was thinking that living like this makes no sense...it's not really living...it's hurting and trying to survive. I am a mess.

[swtsmr93]

buba it does seem like it's hurting and survive.

 

That is the really hard part of all of this.

 

As long as you keep telling yourself you are a mess, unfortunately it is the place you will stay.

 

I know how hard this is. I agree that it's really not starting at the beginning even though it seems like it.