Blind Date

[embilee]

Hi,

 

I am 25 and I met a guy on a dating website. He is 28. He's only seen a head shot of me. The problem is I've put on some weight and I'm kind of fat. It doesn't bother me that much, but I am trying to lose it. I am worried though that he's going to be disappointed when we meet. I am wondering if guys can overlook weight ever? Also, what do you recommend to keep conversation going on the first date? Any help is appreciated. I am in med school and he is a lawyer. We are both well educated and both seem to have good sense of humor. Other than the fact that I am overweight, we may be a good match. But how much emphasis do you place on that? Thank you.

[Batya33]

Did you lie to him about your weight or body type? Did he ask you? If not, nothing to worry about.

 

When I did blind dating/on line dating (met over 100 men in person) I talked about: theater/the arts/travel/food/things I like to do (for me, hiking, exercising, a bit about my work and volunteer work, etc. Remember, he is 50% responsible for keeping the conversation going. I also tried to read the newspaper (sometimes the sports section if he is a sports fan) and other current magazines in case all else failed as far as topics. I typically keep up with that sort of thing anyway. And I had questions in mind to ask him - not prying or too personal but following up on what he said he liked to do/his family, etc.

 

Ask him what type of law he practices, why he went to law school, how he likes it, whether he is the first lawyer in his family, etc.

 

If all else fails ask him if he is the father of anna nicole smith's baby.

[Honey Pumpkin]

You need to be upfront with him - people HATE getting misleading photos. I'm sure it won't make too much difference, but send him a flattering but full length shot of you as you are right now. Then if he doesn't like what he sees, it's better to know now rather than see his face fall when he sees you on the date - because you don't look like your photo.

 

Sorry, don't want to sound harsh, but just be matter of fact about your size - sending a good full length recent photo will let you get the point accross without having to say anything. It's his loss if it's a problem, but I have read here that people don't like photos that aren't current.

 

As for weight itself, I think that there are some men who hate fat women, but equally there are guys who adore big women, and some who don't mind either way. But you sending an old photo of yourself does seem to indicate that it does bother you?

 

As for keeping conversation going, read the papers that day, watch the news, catch a bit of celeb gossip, and chatter on. Keep it light and fun - not too deep and all your past lobbed on the table.

 

Hope you have a fabulous date - let us know how it goes!

[Batya33]

I disagree. Unless he asks for another photo or asks specific questions it's fine to presume he doesn't have a preference either way. It would be different if the head shot was misleading (i.e. if your face is much fuller now, etc) but if not, it's up to him to ask.

[embilee]

The photo is recent, but its just shoulders up. When I made my dating profile I clicked "average" as my body type. I am not disgustingly obese. But I am a bit above average now. This year has been stressful and I've put on about 15 pounds since august when I made my profile orginally. I don't know that there is a good way to be like "here's another picture of me." He hasn't asked for another and we're set to meet. I'm not gorgeous but I do get hit on about 60% of the times I go out. So I don't think I'm hideous or anything... but I am slightly worried he'll be put off when he sees me. Without wearing all black what are some good colors to wear or outfits to wear that will help make me look a bit slender? Any cleavage acceptable or completely off limits? Just trying to get a feel for whats appropriate. I'm looking for a boyfriend not a hookup.

[Batya33]

I wear clothing that is flattering but not totally "seduce me, now." I like to wear a shoe with a heel because that is flattering on most women. If the weather permits, a skirt instead of pants. I wouldn't do cleavage but I would not do a turtleneck either. Moderation . .. .

 

As far as looking thinner - well, sure, black helps, but my attitude would be not to make sure I let it all hang out but also he is going to know sooner or later what "average" means and he might not be at all concerned.

[shikashika]

hmnnn...

 

If weight doesn't bother him.. then no it wont' matter.... but if you clicked 'average' and then he sees that you are slightly overweight... he has every right to be disapointed

 

i know I would be.

 

But.. if a guy had put' pleasantly plump ' or handfulls to squeeze" then I would not be disappointed.

 

he may see it as dishonesty on your part.. ( and I think we all agree that honesty is paramount in any relationship)

 

you may be worrying for nothing..and you're idea of overweight may be different than his.

 

However, this happened recently.. a friend of mine ( a guy) went out on an internet date.. the girl too had a photo just above the shoulders.. and said she was 'average'.. When my friend met the girl she was not average but quite plump.. He was very disappointed.. not because the was overweight but that she had lied in her profile.

 

I have browsed though internet profiles and it really ticks me off when I see people's photos and they say they are 'athletic' or 'average'... when they are very clearly not. Guys do this more than women.. they think if they play hockey twice a week.. or that they like sports.. they are 'athletic

 

If you were average 15 pounds before.. then maybe he will a bit turned off.

 

Who knows? I don't

 

Just wear something flattering.

[itsallgrand]

15 pounds? Don't worry! But do update your profile with a new pic. Even if this man meets you and doesn't think twice about your weight, the fact that it bothers you could be troublesome.

Come out of hiding As You Are Now. Update that photo. Maybe send him a confirmation message before your date so he can casually note it.

 

Looking for boyfriend, don't do cleavage. In my opinion. You want him to look at your face, not your boobs. Unless a little bit of cleavage is your normal everyday wear. And I know a few women like that who can pull it off tastefully!

 

Wear what you normally wear. Just very clean, something that fits WELL and little more attention to detail but don't be different than you normally are. You are looking for a boyfriend, someone to accept and like you as you are.

 

Honestly, just be brave enough to show up as is. Sincerity is attractive. And you are not looking to seduce, only to let your own natural gorgeousness shine through so that his interest is sparked.

 

Find what makes you comfortable. There is nothing worse than being on a first, or second, date and spending a bunch of time adjusting a skirt (if you aren't used to wearing one normally) or worrying that make-up is running or that you are walking weird in the 'nice, girly' shoes.

For anyone who is slightly tomboyish you'll know what I mean. It is maybe cute on TV but in real life it makes you look insecure.

 

You both have good brains and ambition, so there is a common denominator right there.

 

And take it easy on the self deprecating jokes. Just something I picked up on regarding women and men - we tend to do a lot of it and usually don't see it as a sign of being down on ourselves, amongst ourselves generally, but more of a way of being clever and bonding , but men tend to see it differently.

 

Have a good time!

[shikashika]

seee.. if I gained 15 pounds, that would mean I've gone up about 3 sizes.. it would be a huge amount.Depends on how tall the OP is

 

As I said before, its not about the weight.. but the fact that one wasn't truthful.

 

I guess thats why I don't like this online dating.. i've seen sooooo many guys who say their body type is 'fit or athletic or average.. and they're not!!!!

 

Its just plain dishonesty.

 

People have flab on them but still call themselves average.. why not just be truthful? some people dont' mind an extra bit of flab

[RayKay]

seee.. if I gained 15 pounds, that would mean I've gone up about 3 sizes.. it would be a huge amount.Depends on how tall the OP is

 

As I said before, its not about the weight.. but the fact that one wasn't truthful.

 

I guess thats why I don't like this online dating.. i've seen sooooo many guys who say their body type is 'fit or athletic or average.. and they're not!!!!

 

Its just plain dishonesty.

 

People have flab on them but still call themselves average.. why not just be truthful? some people dont' mind an extra bit of flab

 

I was rejected once because I did not have enough junk in the trunk actually! The guy really liked plumper women.

 

I did online dating for a while, and I do agree in being honest. So many people do fudge it...my profile for example said "fit"....as I run, bike, work out and do yoga 6-7 days a week and I definitely am...but people were always suspicious at first as they said so many people put that, and weren't.

 

I have seen many men doing the same too.

 

I think at this point...if he has not asked, or stated a preference, then go tonight and just have fun. But, in the future be honest

[embilee]

We're just grabbing a cup of coffee. But this is my first time doing this, so what advice can you all offer?

[annie24]

It sounds like you are being truthful. So I wouldn't worry. And plus the photo is recent, so there should not be any problems. I've found that most men lie about their height so expect him to be an inch or 2 shorter than his profile states.

 

(Sidenote - I can gain or lose 15 pounds and only change by 1 size. just how my body is built. frustrating and nice at the same time.)

 

I recommend finding a slimming outfit, like black pants, heels, and a nicely cut jacket, and just put on some nice makeup and dangly earrings, and I bet you will knock his socks off good luck!

[annie24]

i've seen sooooo many guys who say their body type is 'fit or athletic or average.. and they're not!!!!

 

 

so true!!!!! there seems to be a pretty huge variation in what some men consider to be "athletic and toned" (from my link removed days).

[Weary]

I have 2 points to make...

 

1) Body type/physique is subjective. Words are subjective. What is overweight? 10 lbs over 'ideal'? What is ideal? Some measurement like the BMI (that someone invented) that doesn't take sex, muscle mass, fat %, and body structure into account? I once saw someone post on another forum...that his gf was 5'5 and weighed 110 lbs and she could 'stand to lose a few pounds'. I just about went cross eyed reading it. I have seen women's profiles that say they are 'average' when in my perception they were quite thin. People have different definitions of what is considered 'thin' 'average' 'overweight' etc. To me it is a little hard to say someone is lying in their descriptor if they see themselves that way.

 

2) I have posted this thought on dating websites before..but if one thing is very important to you...say thin women...then it must be said in their profile. Saying..'I am attracted to petite women' or whatever saves a lot of time and aggrivation. Some people don't like smokers...so they state that in their profile. I don't see how it is difficult to state your preferences. My idea is...if it is important to you...state it.

 

I think you should be perfectly fine. Maybe I am more 'lenient' on the subject but I don't think being 'average' and adding 10-15 lbs throws you into the overweight category in my opinion. I suppose of all the wrong things in the world, all the facets of dating, all the problems it takes to find someone intersting, fun nice, etc....weight (again in my opinion) should be the least of anyone's worries.

[ghost69]

maybe he is into that. i would've asked you before agreeing to meet up. i'm not into that body type, so i would tell you early on that it wouldn't work out.

 

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[annie24]

Great points weary!

 

Something i am thinking..... the average american woman is 5'4", 145 pounds, making her a size 12. However, size 12 falls on the "overweight" scale of things. not obese or grossly overweight, just a bit. So, is average overweight? Is overweight average?

[Weary]

Well I will never forget this article I read in a magazine (yay for being bored at the library..lol). But it took 6 women...all of which were the same size (size 8 I believe)...all were the same height...yet all of them looked different. They were photographed together in their bras and skivvies. Their weight was distributed differently based on the individual. Some had bigger butts, chest, thighs...whatever than others.

 

Further..does anyone know what a true size it? Clothes manufactuers don't have a universal standard...you can buy a size 6 in one store...and a size 12 in another. Height plays a factor in sizes..and if one has a body part that doesn't fit the exact dimensions...you either have to go up or down sizes.

 

Regarding the OP...

 

Like I said my honest opinion is that if he is dead set on finding someone very slender/thin/skinny etc...then he should be stating that in their profile. I will say one thing though...when you make your standards so small and narrow...there is less of a pool to draw from. And when there is less to choose from, there is a hell of a lot more competition. And because of that...that means the people demanding it...must also beef up their own 'personal resume' and outshine their competetors. JMO

[Batya33]

Great points weary!

 

Something i am thinking..... the average american woman is 5'4", 145 pounds, making her a size 12. However, size 12 falls on the "overweight" scale of things. not obese or grossly overweight, just a bit. So, is average overweight? Is overweight average?

 

When I did on line dating I described my body type but I also gave my exact height and exact weight.

[EvaGina]

so true!!!!! there seems to be a pretty huge variation in what some men consider to be "athletic and toned" (from my link removed days).

 

haaha

my ex (who i met online) had "average" as his, and his gut used to hang over his belt!!!

 

Not only that but he told ME I needed to exercise more!!!

 

I lost over 30 pounds last year, I would now call myself average, and before I would call myself chubby... so I dont htink 15 pounds is a HUGE deal

[Batya33]

haaha

my ex (who i met online) had "average" as his, and his gut used to hang over his belt!!!

 

Not only that but he told ME I needed to exercise more!!!

 

I lost over 30 pounds last year, I would now call myself average, and before I would call myself chubby... so I dont htink 15 pounds is a HUGE deal

 

My personal thing I guess but if any man that wanted to date me told me without my asking him that I needed to exercise more, or eat less or lose weight, he would be history for so many reasons.

[annie24]

When I did on line dating I described my body type but I also gave my exact height and exact weight.

 

I would be afraid to do that! I am heavier than I look, just the way that my body carries weight, I think the numbers would scare a guy off! Actualy, I was at the gym one time, in line to use the scale, and a woman from the swim team got on and had the same weight and height as me! but she was much slimmer looking as it was all muscle weight.

[embilee]

I went and he was okay with it I guess because he asked me for a second date.

[Batya33]

That's great news! Have fun on the second date!

[Altruist]

Great embilee. Keep us posted!!!

[Batya33]

I went and he was okay with it I guess because he asked me for a second date.

 

Embilee, I received your PM and wrote a response, but when I hit "send" it said that you do not permit the receipt of PMs or emails, so I could not respond, sorry!