Once a Cheater always a Cheater?

[bluebone03]

Having just come out of a relationship where there was cheating going on in the background. (gut instinct proved to be true in the end) The relationship is over but I have a question to everyone.

 

On encountering your next relationship does anyone ever ask their new "love" if they have ever cheated? Would hearing the affirmative make you run - kind of a pre-emptive strike? I believe ppl can change, however, the past seems to predict the future.

 

My last relationship is the first time I have had to deal with infidelity. I always usually tell the person that if they do that to me I'll be out the door and you won't even hear me go.

 

Funny enough, the woman that cheated on me told me this first - and then goes and cheats.....I was happy to hear her say that if I messed around on her she'd leave me and wouldn't look back - kinda thought that if thats the way she views infidelity it would also ring true for her - obviously didn't.

[Kalika]

I believe that most people who cheat are likely to do it again, even if it's years inbetween infidelities. However, I truly believe I've met the exception: my son's dad.

 

When we were dating, I got pregnant, and my hardworking homebody boyfriend suddenly started drinking, partying, and eventually moved out. Then he cheated. I didn't find out til after my son was born, and I left him. I think he realized that he would never again have me back.

 

He is 180 different than how he used to be. (We are not together, nor did we ever reconcile, but we are friends now). I truly believe that what he did has, in the long run, hurt him much more than it hurt me. I know in my gut that if I ever took him back, he would never do it again. For the last 3 years, he's worked every single day to make amends to me for what he did. He's devastated that he took what he had and basically threw it out the window, breaking our engagement and making our son grow up in separate households.

 

But since I no longer love him in that way, I will never take him back, even though he's been my best friend/support system going through school with a young child..

[Dako]

Depends on the person.

I was cheated on, and although I no longer see her, I doubt she would do it again. She seemed stunned by the resulting drama.

 

Some folks make a mistake, and some just aren't monogamous.

[Pinkbubbles]

I think that trust is the most important part of a relationship. If your just starting out in a relationship with the knowledge that your partner has cheated in previous relationships and you are uneasy about it then your relationship is going to be rocky from the get go.

 

I know I've been cheated on before and its the hardest thing to look past when your moving into a new relationship. I started a relationship with a guy, who I was good friends with growing up, in high school. There was no indication that he would cheat but he did, with a close friend of mine actually. It honestly took me 2 years to trust a guy enough to get involved with him. Funny enough I knew this guy had cheated on a previous girlfriend but I chose to be naive and look past that with the idea that "people change" in my head. He, too, cheated on me.

 

I think that when you know they have cheated you have to be extra cautious with that person, I dont think that you can rule out a potential partner just because they made a bad decision. Everyone makes mistakes, just how they deal with the mistake is what makes the person.

 

Its really hard to get over being cheated on and to trust someone again, but dont let this bad experience ruin your outlook on potential partners, everyone deserves a second chance. Just remember theres nothing wrong with being careful with your heart!

[bluebone03]

I am hoping that me leaving her will actually teach her a lesson of sorts. Not being cruel, but how is a person going to learn if you let them get away with it? I never cheated on her and she knows it. I told her I don't have anyone to go to when I broke up with her.

 

I think she's had plenty bf's leave her for other women in the past and has just started playing the game.

 

She actually ended up in the hospital after I left - she put herself there got all suicidal. Her parents have said that they've never seen her this bad after a break up. So I must've had an impact.

 

So...perhaps thats the point. When someone cheats you gotta let them go. Then when enough ppl have let them go, the cheater - in the end, gets the point. (maybe)

[shadow34]

Hey Blue

 

I asked my ex if he ever cheated on his wife and he actually told me YES and told me everything....what a * * * *!!!! needless to say I stayed with him....and guess what , he cheated on me LOL....derrr i could of guessed ...

 

The past does predict the future...UNLESS something major has happened to change that...

 

I do always believe people make mistakes and can change, and I also know that while its not excuse, there is always an underlying reason....

 

Pfft not that we should put up with it, just my two cents worth

[Kalika]

I am hoping that me leaving her will actually teach her a lesson of sorts. Not being cruel, but how is a person going to learn if you let them get away with it? I never cheated on her and she knows it. I told her I don't have anyone to go to when I broke up with her.

 

I think she's had plenty bf's leave her for other women in the past and has just started playing the game.

 

She actually ended up in the hospital after I left - she put herself there got all suicidal. Her parents have said that they've never seen her this bad after a break up. So I must've had an impact.

 

So...perhaps thats the point. When someone cheats you gotta let them go. Then when enough ppl have let them go, the cheater - in the end, gets the point. (maybe)

 

Honestly, I'm not saying this to demean the impact of you leaving her, but if she would kill herself over it, she has other issues...

[bluebone03]

You're spot on. She does have plenty issues. Read the thread "Self harm or blatant manipulation" (in self harm) I should've got out in the first week after I received some red flags - ah hindsight.

[Maverick32x]

i cheated on a girl friend of mine, and I KNOW I will never hurt anyone like that again.... I know I screwed up big and have been nothing but faithful to girls afterwards... still making amends and its been about 3 years~

[caninelover]

My husband cheated on me with a coworker when we were having marital problems during the first year of marriage. I went into a pschye ward. He talked to my psychiatrist and cried uncontrolably and said he would never do that again. He was extreeeeeeemly remorseful.

 

After years of building trust again? I was recently let down. My husband has been spending thousands on prostitues. Excuse me.... I mean "escorts".

 

I filed for divorce. Character and integrity mean alot and I now say....once a cheater, always a cheater and liar.

[puppeteer]

i agree with canine...

 

if you lack the moral and ethical compass to begin with....chances are you'll do it again.

 

there are exeptions of course...but for the most part it seems there are people who cheat and people who don't.

[bluebone03]

Actually, I do remember my ex telling me stories about her love life before me. She told me that she was with this guy for 3 years or so in a conversation 1 day (her last bf). Then another day, another conversation, she's talking about another guy - and of course the time frames collide.

 

A few other comments and stories as well which I won't bother with - I think you just gotta listen and a person will show you who they really are. Problem is, it takes some time and emotional involvement - which is where it gets hard if you decide they aren't for you.

 

I have a lot of forgiveness/understanding for a lot of things - but loyalty is number 1 on my list.

[Maverick32x]

=\ kinda sad that people are so set in their ways that a single mistake brands them for life... I guess its better to be safe than take risks?

[puppeteer]

by risks you mean hurting alot of people so you can sleep with someone else?

 

 

sure....consider me closed minded.

[bluebone03]

Mavrick - as you said - you admitted to doing it - I never have - and to be totally honest this is the first time its happened to me (lol at least that I know of) and I'm 33.

 

Mavrick - when the next opportunity to cheat comes up - that'll be the test of your conviction.

[treefrogkate]

Maverick, I agree: I think it's awfully unfair to say once a cheater, always a cheater. This is like saying that a person who shoplifted once in their life is doomed to a life of crime.

 

I don't ever believe when people say "It just happened" or "I couldn't help it". It's always a choice, and it depends on the circumstances. A lot of partners cheat because of unhappiness and lack of communication in the relationship. If someone is happy in their relationship and has good communication, then there's no reason to cheat.

 

My story:

I made out with my best friend while he was up visiting in college. It was the weekend after my fiance had visited and basically blown me off all weekend (again) when I tried to sit him down and have a serious conversation about where our relationship was headed (I was unhappy with how controlling he was). I was extremely drunk, not that that excuses my behavior. I came clean about it the next day to my fiance. This was 11 years ago.

 

I had the chance about three years ago to cheat on my ex-husband (not the same guy). Again, I was again unhappy in my relationship (my ex-husband was abusing me, but I hadn't found the courage to get out yet). I chose not to cheat.

 

I can honestly say that I will never cheat again. My boyfriend and I have excellent communication, and we have talked about what would happen if one of us was unhappy and felt the urge to cheat. We agreed that it would be difficult but we would talk about it, and if we couldn't work it out, we would break up first instead of cheating.

 

It's been over a year, and I can honestly say that I haven't even so much as thought about another guy. It's amazing what open and honest communication can do.

 

So if someone wants to brand me a "cheater for life", that's their problem. I just think they might do better to foster communication in their relationship than to walk out on someone who may have cheated in the past, without giving them the chance to live up to their expecation of monogamy.

[EvaGina]

Mavrick - as you said - you admitted to doing it - I never have - and to be totally honest this is the first time its happened to me (lol at least that I know of) and I'm 33.

 

Mavrick - when the next opportunity to cheat comes up - that'll be the test of your conviction.

 

Thats a pretty nasty thing to say.

I have cheated, when I was miserable, with a lot of problems.

I havent cheated since and I have definitely had the chance to.

I could easily have cheated on Macca, I could have slept with other men before I moved down to this city (we said that was ok) but I didnt.

[Maverick32x]

Mavrick - as you said - you admitted to doing it - I never have - and to be totally honest this is the first time its happened to me (lol at least that I know of) and I'm 33.

 

Mavrick - when the next opportunity to cheat comes up - that'll be the test of your conviction.

 

the opportunity has come up a lot.... I've been in relationships with lots of people, and I've never had a problem saying no to a girl that wants to sleep with me..... So I hope I passed your test...

 

I'm well aware it was a choice I made, and I make the choice NOT to everytime.....

 

also, puppeteer I'm a bit confused on your statement... you're saying that by forgiving someone of a mistake allows them to sleep with whoever they want to??? I'm not trying to change anyone's mind, but I feel like there are people out there that make mistakes early in their life, and if everyone had the view that "once a cheater always a cheater" there would be ALOT of miserable people out there....

[EvaGina]

^^ exactly.

My father cheated on my mother when they were first married and left her stranded in a country where she knew no one, they got back together and he hasnt strayed since.

 

People get scared, they do stupid things.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you really have to take the cheating in context... i think there are cases when it does happen once and the person feels tremendous remorse and has one of those 'dohhhh, what was i thinking' moments that burns into their brains and they don't do it again, and do everything they can to repair the damage they did to their relationship and partner.

 

then there are those who engage in longtime affairs, or affairs with multiple people... who feel a sense of entitlement to do whatever they please. but these types of people usually have a whole cluster of other behavior problems that point to the fact that they are self centered and selfish, so cheating will just be one of a various array of bad behavior, lying, treating their partner badly, using other people, giving very little back, etc.

 

most of the time the behavior that points to an unrepentent cheater is usually there, but we are all in a love haze (at least for a while) until the reality crystallizes... but i would definitely do an evaluation and not say that all cheating is alike, just like all people aren't alike, and look to the context to decide whether the person has learned a lesson, or is just warming up for a lifetime cheating marathon...