Is There a Difference Between a Hook-Up and an Affair?

[studio781]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but I have a question. Do you feel that an affair is more emotional and sexual, wanting to see each other and spend time together, and a hook-up is just totally no strings attached? The reason I'm asking is I am married and have fallen for someone else, someone I want to sleep with, but he really has no interest in me other than calling me last minute to hang out, knowing that we would have sex if we got together, but I feel I need more emotion from him, wanting him as a friend and a lover. Every time I ask this guy out he's never available, never offers another time to see me, but then he'll call me up to hang out, last minute. Never asks how I'm doing, etc. I feel quite uneasy about it. I want him so much but I still feel I need emotional involvement somewhat.

[Scotcha]

You could always.. Work on your marriage.

[studio781]

I know I need to do that or end it, it was just the chemistry with this other man was so powerful, felt I was falling in love all over again. I know it sounds crazy worrying about emotion while being married to someone else, really isn't fair and I don't want to hurt my husband, I just wanted to enjoy time with this other man, what I felt was so wonderful. I think for a long time I've been thinking of separating but didn't want to hurt him, he wants to stay married, but I seem to be missing something. I'm actually in counseling over it now.

[Beec]

I think that the advice you will get here will resoundingly and repeatedly tell you to one thing, quit CHEATING and work on your marriage.

 

You are certainly not loving your husband in even asking such questions. Didn't you vow to do that when you married him?

 

End the cheating.

[flower99]

l I want him so much but I still feel I need emotional involvement somewhat.

 

If you want him so much, why not get a divorce?

Working on a relationship out side of your marriage is a lose lose sitation & ends in pain for everyone.

 

How is your emotional involvement with your husband?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

You've not given us much to go on - but I do think you are opening yourself up to a LOT of hurt, and your husband too. Casual guy might well enjoy himself, but he's the only one.

 

I know it's easy to condemn, but why do you think your marriage is such that you are tempted into an affaire with someone else, and the only thing holding you back is that it might be a bit too casual? Do you think your marriage is beyond saving, and you'd like to leave your husband for this guy, or do you think you could have an affaire and keep your husband on the go at the same time?

 

I'm not condemning you, but seriously, I do think on the very little that you've written that you are laying yourself wide open to be very badly hurt. This might well be a point you would look back at in 12 months time and wish that you had gone a different path.

 

Tell us more about your marriage and why you are SOOOO tempted by this guy.

[Jetta]

There is no difference between a "hook-up" and an affair. Sex is sex isn't it? You'd be having sex with someone outside of your marriage and that is what an affair is.

 

I did this, it wasn't worth it, I'm regretful and alone now for the first time in my life.

[flower99]

You seem to be more concerned about what you Want, rather that what is right. Focus on what is right, more good comes from that.

 

Feelings are fleeting. Don't act on them. It's obvious that this man doesn't care about your feelings any ways. Your husband does & he is devoted to you. Work on that.

[studio781]

I know it's terrible to even talk this way. I think I need to hear from women and men who have had affairs. I am trying to work on my marriage but when you've been married for 17 years and something seems to have died, you try and spice up your life in some other way. Believe me, I have never thought of having an affair until I felt I was hit by a brick in meeting this other man. I just need to know if people think there is a difference emotionally between affair and hook-up?

[Meow18]

Honestly, it sounds like this other guy is only into sex and has no emotional attachment to you. I mean, if he only comes around for sex, that's a huge sign.

 

"but I feel I need more emotion from him, wanting him as a friend and a lover"

 

Since you are looking for this, you obviously aren't finding it through your husband I would assume? Have you talked to your husband about your feelings? Have you told him you aren't getting this from him?

[Scotcha]

A new connection with someone is always exciting.. Fantastic.. Thrilling..

 

But what about when that connection isn't so new anymore? Is your marriage really worth a feeling so fleeting?

 

Have you talked to your husband about what is missing in your marriage? Perhaps you can regain that emotional connection with him... You would need to give him a fighting chance though which would mean to end your affair.

 

(And to answer your original question.. An affair can be emotional, physical, or both while one or both individuals is "committed" to another. A hook-up is a one time occurrence, at least according to the slang in my area.)

[Jetta]

Read: link removed I am and learning a lot.

[studio781]

Jetta, I'm sorry you're alone now. When you slept with someone else was it only one time or was it an ongoing affair where you would talk with this person about your personal life or just met for sex?

[ImThatGirl]

I'll bite. Here's my answer.

 

I think a hook up - is purely for physical needs and desires.

 

I think an affair is often more than that. Filling voids whether sexual, emotional, mental.

 

You feel like something is missing in your life so you fall for the other man. You idolize this man even though it's completely on his terms - when it's convenient for him. I honestly believe that if you were to sleep with him, it'd be a "hook-up" for him but you would have strong feelings for him and eventually be heartbroken and possibly have a breakdown. Because then, it wouldn't only be being rejected at home, it'd be being rejected by someone else that your heart wants.....

 

Honey, please. I'm not going to lecture you that you need to fix your marriage.

 

But I am going to say that you need to evaluate your frame of thinking... Evaluate and analyze it and figure out exactly why you would be comfy with having a hook up or an affair. Search your heart and soul. It's gonna hurt. But find the root of this desire and try to work on it.

[flower99]

I just need to know if people think there is a difference emotionally between affair and hook-up?

 

 

Myself, I think at the beginning there is a difference, such as a one night stand/hook up- Verses an on going affair. (they are both affairs, but I do see what you are getting at)

Quickly a hook up if done repeatedly usually becomes an affair, because it doesn’t' t take long for sex & feelings to get intertwine for at least 1 of the 2 people.

but they both do the same damage.

[Batya33]

I know I need to do that or end it, it was just the chemistry with this other man was so powerful, felt I was falling in love all over again. I know it sounds crazy worrying about emotion while being married to someone else, really isn't fair and I don't want to hurt my husband, I just wanted to enjoy time with this other man, what I felt was so wonderful. I think for a long time I've been thinking of separating but didn't want to hurt him, he wants to stay married, but I seem to be missing something. I'm actually in counseling over it now.

 

Glad you're in counseling. When you took your vows, did you say "for better or for worse unless what I feel for another person is "so wonderful?"

 

Good luck.

[Batya33]

I know it's terrible to even talk this way. I think I need to hear from women and men who have had affairs. I am trying to work on my marriage but when you've been married for 17 years and something seems to have died, you try and spice up your life in some other way. Believe me, I have never thought of having an affair until I felt I was hit by a brick in meeting this other man. I just need to know if people think there is a difference emotionally between affair and hook-up?

 

It's all labels. An affair usually is between at least one person who is married, so the difference emotionally is that one or both people are lying to their spouses and that might make it more emotional to be together because of the drama that can come from a train wreck situation between two troubled people. A hook up connotes more of a one night stand or where you hang out and hook up once in awhile where the people might both be single and available. That might be less emotional but I don't think it makes a difference what you call sex outside of a marriage.

 

Not sure on the "you" you are referring to with respect to how people react after a long marriage that's gone stale. Some people like you see it as a justification to cheat, some people get divorced and then date other people, some people work on their marriage to spice it up from within.

 

Curious - why do you think it makes a difference that until you were tempted you never considered cheating? Would that make a difference to your husband?

[Scotcha]

I know it's terrible to even talk this way. I think I need to hear from women and men who have had affairs. I am trying to work on my marriage but when you've been married for 17 years and something seems to have died, you try and spice up your life in some other way. Believe me, I have never thought of having an affair until I felt I was hit by a brick in meeting this other man. I just need to know if people think there is a difference emotionally between affair and hook-up?

 

I am getting married this summer. I hope and pray that his way of spicing things up will not include stepping outside of our marriage.

 

To further answer your question: Both an affair and a hook-up would be a betrayal to your husband. It does not really matter what the difference is in your situation. One is not more justifiable than the other.. There is no "lesser of two evils".

 

You were correct in your first response.. To either work on your marriage or end it.

[studio781]

Meow 18, yes I have talked with my husband, he even knows my attraction for this other man. I started counseling to try and understand myself and why I feel so strong for the other guy. This other guy, who I haven't slept with, joked about me seducing him and if he was drunk he wouldn't care and that's what set me off. He knew how I felt about him and I got upset with that statement. I later told him I wanted to "make love" with him and I never heard from him again. I got my answer loud and clear but I was wondering if I was being unrealistic in trying to have an emotional attachment with an affair? Having him as a friend?

[ImThatGirl]

Oohhh, Studio! Take the hint from him. And stop talking to him all together. Is that possible? Get him out of your life so you don't feel tempted.....

 

Sigh..............

[Batya33]

Meow 18, yes I have talked with my husband, he even knows my attraction for this other man. I started counseling to try and understand myself and why I feel so strong for the other guy. This other guy, who I haven't slept with, joked about me seducing him and if he was drunk he wouldn't care and that's what set me off. He knew how I felt about him and I got upset with that statement. I later told him I wanted to "make love" with him and I never heard from him again. I got my answer loud and clear but I was wondering if I was being unrealistic in trying to have an emotional attachment with an affair? Having him as a friend?

 

I think the reason you felt that strongly was because something is missing in your marriage. You never promised not to be tempted, you promised not to have an affair. Someone you are that interested in cannot be just a friend.

[Teulada]

You want to be had by a guy who never contacted you again after you told him you wanted to make love with him?

 

Oh please, dont do it. Even if you do not work on your marriage, please, do not get involved with this guy.

[flower99]

I later told him I wanted to "make love" with him and I never heard from him again.

 

Wow....Thank God. That was your sign. Not to do it.

 

 

I was wondering if I was being unrealistic in trying to have an emotional attachment with an affair? Having him as a friend?

 

yes I think so. your being unrealistic to expect so much, while attempting something so wrong. It isn't satisfying, it's a temporary fix for a more serious problem.

having him as a friend, isn't possible because you have no desire to be friends...you want to be with him. it's lust & infatuation.

[Jetta]

It was a one night stand and I ended up losing the guy I was interested in over it. I never have had a one night stand and was sexually attracted to him. We chatted a several times, he got me drunk, and we did it.

 

 

I hurt a lot of people by that one indescretion. A friend who still loved the guy (he didn't love her but still), a man I was infatuated with (he said I hurt his heart). I left my marriage hoping the man I was infatuated with would forgive me, he didn't, now I'm alone. He thinks I'm a cheater type, he doesn't know or believe I've never done it before.

 

I hurt my husband over the infatuation guy. I don't think he knows about the one night stand, which was out of character for me and so not worth it.

 

I was having an emotional affair on my husband, which he was very aware of. Now my ex-husband is who I'm leaning on from the fall, really from both the loss of my friend (husband) and infatuation guy. Ironic isn't it?

[studio781]

I'm that Girl, you are so right. I know it's wrong for me to cheat but I had red flags with this guy but I kept emotionally opening up to him, how much I felt for him. Sometimes he wouldn't even return my calls. I kept pathetically begging him to see me, then one day he sends me a text to hang out and then jokes about sleeping together. I really needed the emotional connection, him really wanting me and LIKING me. I need to understand myself because I really have such a wonderful husband who has never cheated. Can't understand why I fell so hard for this other man. I was truly heartbroken to find out he didn't really have any feelings for me.