Never find someone.

[jammin_james61]

Anyone else out there afraid they won't find someone to spend/share their lives with? Being ugly, and kinda weird, I don't see myself finding one sadly. This has been the main reason for my depression since I was 13 and the kids at school (and even up to this day at 20) would pick on me for my looks. I also have a strong feeling that this is why I'm so weird and socially inept too. This destroyed my confidence and maybe any chances I might of had in creating any relationships. It really gets me down too when people claim to be far from shallow, when later I would hear them comment on how hot someone was

 

I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested in hearing anymore of the "Looks don't matter" stuff either. It's more than obvious in real life that they do, and no amount of E-talk is going to change my mind. I just want to know there are others out there that feels like me in hopes it will relieve my depression and ward off suicidal thoughts.

 

I don't mean to shut anyone down, but looks do matter, and if anyone esle says otherwise I automatically call BS in my head, so it won't help .

[grumbly_bum]

Hey dude, I know exactly how you feel. As I've found that low self esteem on how I look and how the type of person I am basically snowballs into depression, which will then keep rolling back and making and makes me feel worse about who I am. I've become so withdrawn from people that it's really hard to get out of it...

 

I guess the only bit of luck I've had with being butt ugly, shy, and socially akward is to try and offer people an alternative... Find your strengths, and try to push them really hard. I know it sounds easy, but it isn't. I guess that's why physcologists try and help you retrain the way you think about yourself, so your not instantly putting yourself down straight away, every time...

 

It's hard, but it isn't impossible. There will always be someone out there who finds you attractive, especially if you emphasis your strengths and don't stress over your flaws... Flaws are what make us all unique from each other.

[GQstatus]

Being confident has nothing to do with how you look. You could be an ugly duckling to 20, and prince charming to 1. Point is WHO CARES, what other people think of you. Your happiness comes from within YOU. Yeah it sucks when immature ***holes can't help but open their ignorant mouths and poke fun, but guess what? They are just as insecure as you are.

 

People who feel the need to make others feel like crap, are not happy with themselves. I could give you example after example, but it would turn into a novel. High school is prone to this type of behavior because everyone is trying to fit in and look "cool". You'll realize the older you get, the more others mature. If at 25 other 25 year olds are still acting like this towards you, you need to literally LAUGH at them.

 

Focus on things you like. If you like games, writing, sports, whatever, try meeting some people you have things in common with. Start working on how you feel INSIDE, before you worry about how you appear to others.

[AngelEyez]

Well Jammin' James, you're completely right. Looks do matter for A LOT of people. In today's society, people are obsessed with image. It's all because of the media. The media expects people to look a certain way. For example, I think it was until the 1960s...thicker women were preferred over the stick figures. Then Twiggy came along and all changed.

 

If you don't like the way you look, maybe you should change for society. If you're satisfied with the way you look, maybe you shouldn't change. I've never liked the way I looked either. Heck, I was overweight for many years of my life. I got called fat and ugly by everyone INCLUDING family members...goes to show you how mostly everyone is inconsiderate. I remember someone pulled the last straw in the summer of 2005. I remember it quite vaguely, but I couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't want to be fat nor ugly. I promised myself that if I don't lose the weight soon enough that I'd kill myself. It's pretty extreme...be skinny or die! In about 3 months, I lost 60 pounds. I went hardcore...and considering I lost so much weight so quickly, I got side effects. But, I live with it. Now, guys say I'm "hot" ...but I still don't feel "hot". I think I look better than I did before, but I wouldn't consider myself hot or sexy or beautiful. I hate myself for being sucked into what the media wants...but if you can't fight it...go along with it, right?

 

How exactly do you think you're ugly? What are the features that make you ugly?

[arwen]

Hey jammin,

 

I am sorry you feel so down about yourself. I think that what AngelEyez says is right, the media makes that people feel much more insecure about their looks than they otherwise would. I think that in real life, so many people feel the way you do.

 

Attraction is not based on just looks. And they way people see you is not objective. For me, unattractive has little to do with actual looks, but what someone shows about his inside. If someone hates himself, it shows on the outside, and that surely doesn't help, even the prettiest person can be unattractive if his/her eyes don't spark, or if the smile isn't real.

 

Arwen

[rabbitskin]

The first time I met my ex of 6 years I told my best friend the next day, "I kissed an ugly guy last night". He's not pretty- really short, and his eyes don't point the same direction. He never had a serious relationship until he was 26. I'm not saying that I'm super-hot, but I'm slim and pretty enough. He attracted me basically by being kind, and looking into my eyes when I talked. Mannerisms became more important to me than looks. I'm not saying that I wasn't shallow to begin with... just that people can, and are, attracted to people whom they originally think look bad. He also has a friend whom I thought was pretty ugly, who is now living with this stunning woman.

Besides, I wonder about myself somedays, and people are attracted to me... but I'm a girl and they usually want sex, or need company, or just someone to show off to their friends. I also despair of finding that special person some days, it's just that my disadvantages are different from yours. I think most single people feel this way, at least sometimes.

[Jetta]

Yes looks matter initially, but personality makes a huge difference ultimately it's the deciding factor. I know because I am attractive (at least in my face, I need to lose some weight), but I wish I had a better personality. I'm less social but people are often more welcoming to me, friendlier, etc. So I have 2nd chances on being more social.

 

With that said my ex husband who I didn't think was very attractive has more friends because he has a better personality. He's more approachable than I am. Okay he's not ugly but he has an obvious deformity (his ears aren't formed correctly). How do you think people with major deformities get along? It's their personality. I guarantee the more social ones are happier than the less social ones.

 

People get burned in fires, some are born without faces (now those are pregnancies I would want to end just because I know be ugly in this world would be awful). But personality really matters. My mom has a better personality than I do, but I'm prettier (we look nothing alike). She dates more frequently than I do because she's more approachable (happier, friendlier, etc.). Personality or attitude really matters more than you realize.

 

I know that being attractive helps me because without my looks I'd be screwed.

[grumbly_bum]

Having said it all this it can be really hard if you get depressed about the way you look... Anxiety, depression, low self esteem...

 

You become socially withdrawn, and then it's REALLY hard to make friends, let alone meet a partner.

[Pegasus]

I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested in hearing anymore of the "Looks don't matter" stuff either. It's more than obvious in real life that they do, and no amount of E-talk is going to change my mind. I just want to know there are others out there that feels like me in hopes it will relieve my depression and ward off suicidal thoughts.

 

Hi James,

 

I will not BS'ing you that looks do not matter because it would be insulting to your brain. I mean, I'm the one that looks awful too; I too was laughed at in school and even in my family. My face is just terrible. So now you know where I stand in this, to some serious truth:

 

1) Most of the girls will never give you a chance because of your looks

2) Even if you have something more hidden behind bad looks again, most of the girls will never give you a chance to show it.

 

I know this all because I'm going through it all my life and it's not amusing at all.

 

3) Most probably the girl you would want to have will never give you a chance

 

You'll have to put 10x more effort than most other guys to get what you want and that is ok in the end. You will appreciate it more when you get it. Maybe that is a difference you get from it. Guys that get girls easy, most of the time don't appreciate it enough because they know there is a lot of other girl they could get if they want to.

 

Where am I going with all this?

 

I actually had a first girlfriend when I was 23 or so....it lasted until 8 months ago (I'm 28 now), so it's never too late.

 

Most probably you can't change how you look and even if you can, is it really worth it? I'm not a big advice giver or anything but there is some song that says "Just be there, just live, stand in the light and the end of darkness will come…". And that is my personal truth I live by. Just be there…

[shadow34]

I have to disagree...

 

Dont conform to society at all........

 

You are a unique individual, we all are. You need to find that happiness within.

 

I totally uphold GQStatus post, well said

 

Looks are important in society to a lot of people yes and a lot of people they arent.

 

Believe in yourself, and the rest my friend will follow

[Carl5000]

Having said it all this it can be really hard if you get depressed about the way you look... Anxiety, depression, low self esteem...

 

You become socially withdrawn, and then it's REALLY hard to make friends, let alone meet a partner.

 

Your right, its just a vicious circle to be honest.. most of your life is down to fate and genetics and wether ur be happy, successful and live a fruitful life. Its easy for people who are blessed to just say 'oh, work on your confidence' yet you get confidence from your placing within the world and what other people value. Wether your strong, neutral or weak ppl are still very shallow and superficial its just that the weak are more aware of it. They have to face it every day of their lives.

 

I think insecurties, low self esteem aren't intrically bad in a way. Its just natural if your realistic about your position in the world and if its a bad situation. I remember this quote 'egotism is the very nature of the noble soul' and thats sums up relationships very well, and thats why they r so very difficult. How, can you have a truly successful relationship when ppl are very selfish at their core. Its a tough one, unless you have alot to offer the other person.

[shopyv]

I totally agree with you looks do matter. I am 20 also I was picked on pretty badly in school and so no I've never been kissed or had sex with a boy. I feel like I'm so worthless and ugly. I've thought about suicide byt all I think about is what will people think. I will be forever lonely and forever dreaming.

[daveygravey]

Looks matter to most people, and it is important - in a relationship you need to be physically attracted to the person. But usually when you fall for them emotionally they become better looking in your eyes anyway.

 

My ex used to tell me all the time she thought I was gorgeous, but she has recently ditched me after two years and is with another guy who she openly tells me isn't good looking. So if I'm better looking than this guy, why does he have the girl of my dreams? I'm not saying I'm the most handsome guy in the world, but I know I am better looking than him, yet he's got an absolutely beautiful girl right now. How'd he manage that?

 

My point: it'll happen eventually. I too am really down that I will never find the 'one'. I'm not interested in flings or one night stands, I want a committed relationship. And at 25yrs old I'm scared that it's too late for me. I don't consider myself ugly, so that isn't what bothers me, but for other reasons I just don't think I'm going to find that special girl. I thought I had, but she ditched me for an ugly guy!

[Pegasus]

you're right that looks do matter, but as other people have said, there are more important things.

 

I would really like to comment on this - I am ugly but I have a really beautiful and really smart girl. I don't base myself on my looks, I have different things that make me important so even if I'm ugly that does not define me. So, work on your strong sides (and you do have some for sure) and things will be just fine....