do guys like to be approached first?

[daveygravey]

I think if I personally had received that note I'd have thought how cute it was that you were too nervous to speak to me in person!! But I know a lot of other guys would be put off by that. It's really hard to say whether he'll call or not. But I would say anywhere up to a week or so. Some guys (e.g. me) are just forgetful!

[scotty77]

If he hasn't called in a week I would forget about him.Personally I think a woman should only approach a guy if she has a pretty good idea that he is interested.I was approached by a woman at work a few days ago [who I am totally incompatible with]and she asked me out point blank if I wanted to go out sometime.Up to this point we had hardly ever conversed .She gave me her number but I have no intentions of calling her up.Hopefully she will accept my noninterest gracefully and be professional enough to not let it interfere with work.If you are going to approach some guy you are obviously going to have to accept the fact he may reject you but as I said I would try to build a little rapport with him first [unlike the woman who asked me out]to see if you think he might be interested.

[scotty77]

I think if I personally had received that note I'd have thought how cute it was that you were too nervous to speak to me in person!! But I know a lot of other guys would be put off by that. It's really hard to say whether he'll call or not. But I would say anywhere up to a week or so. Some guys (e.g. me) are just forgetful!

 

In my opinion no guy is going to be forgetful in regards to calling up some girl who he may or may not be interested in.

[matts0344]

Well, if it was me, I would definitely call you, as I think most men would. I also would think its cute that you were too shy/nervous to talk to me, but, I think if you talked to him, even just for a minute or two before you gave the note it would have increased your chances.

 

Good luck!

[cpc28655]

Speaking for myself only, I doubt I would call. That would just be way too odd for me to deal with.

[bvnstar05]

so the guy just texted me back saying that he's sorry it took so long for him to respond (2 days) and that he's flattered by my note, but he's already in a relationship. go figure

 

oh well, at least i know and i'll never have to wonder 'what if'. closure's good i suppose

[daveygravey]

Ah too bad, but at least you went for it! At least he did text you back and didn't just leave you hanging, and he was nice about it.

 

So next time you want to approach a guy do you think you're feeling braver now and would start a conversation with them??

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

Ah too bad, but at least you went for it! At least he did text you back and didn't just leave you hanging, and he was nice about it.

 

So next time you want to approach a guy do you think you're feeling braver now and would start a conversation with them??

 

yeah she should she did something lots of people fear

 

she should throw a party for it.......

 

 

 

just remember doods love it when girls approach them it makes our testasterone jump like antelopes.....

[Tony426]

At least they texted you back. I did something similar (gave her a note at her busy job) and the girl never called lol.

[shadow55]

yea they lkike it

[Shoeboxer]

Personally, nothing would make me happier to be approached by a girl. It's not desperate, it's flattering! Make the guys blush for once.

[Raiden]

do guys like being approached first by girls

 

Yes we do

[MissTee]

I approached my guy the first time we met. It shows confidence.

[GettingBetter]

so the guy just texted me back saying that he's sorry it took so long for him to respond (2 days) and that he's flattered by my note, but he's already in a relationship. go figure

 

oh well, at least i know and i'll never have to wonder 'what if'. closure's good i suppose

 

That's the thing I've been noticing. I'm attracted to the shyer girls. Unfortunately, shy and uninterested can be mistaken at the beginning. And, for the most part, when someone is uninterested, it's because they're already in a relationship. thereforeeee, most girls who I think are shy are instead in a relationship.

 

But, I would say guys liked to be approached first. Even though I'm shy, I am also old fashioned, so I would generally draw the line at asking the guy out, although I can imagine some situations where the girl might ask him out.

[Dev007]

OMG I love it when girls approach me first. It just relieves so much anxiety about what to say when you want to make an impression.

[mademoiselle]

Lol I don't even know you but I feel so proud of you! Hehe. I used to always sit back and let the guy do the approaching etc., and justified my gutlessness with the notion that if the guy won't come up to me, he's not interested or if he was, wasn't good enough anyway seeing as he couldn't summon the balls to ask. When I finally got the guts to ask myself, I actually felt empowered (Oprah style!) and whilst I'm still old fashioned and would prefer the guy to come to me first, I'd much more readily ask again. I really hope you feel just as empowered an more gutsy!

[Shock]

Wish women would approach me more often.

[TheDoors4414]

It depends entirelly on who it is. I mean, I fear rejection more than i fear death, and bumble-bees, so i would more than love for a girl to make the first move, combined with the fact that i am shy and kind of a wuss makes for a sad love life... Anyway, its your call, but lets be honost, what guy can turn down a girl that shows interest? I mean, thats the first step, then once you get to know eachother ext it will be blissful

[bvnstar05]

haha, thanks mademoiselle!! i actually do feel more empowered to approach guys first in the future. there will be times where it'll depend upon the situation, but for the most part, i do feel more confident. and it helped that the guy was really nice for letting me know, and letting me know nicely. so there's one hurdle jumped, just waiting for the next! thanks everyone!!!

[Clarity]

so the guy just texted me back saying that he's sorry it took so long for him to respond (2 days) and that he's flattered by my note, but he's already in a relationship. go figure

 

oh well, at least i know and i'll never have to wonder 'what if'. closure's good i suppose

 

I just read your whole thread and all I can say is "Wow!".

 

Even as a guy (but a shy one), I am inspired by it in so many ways.

 

Just to see a girl stressing over exactly the same things as many of us guys do and see her overcome her fears and just go for it is amazing. It didn't turn out the best in the end, but you did all you could and that's all one can ask for. I also take the bus to school and, as you say, you see the same people very often, and yes, I've seen some cute girls.

 

Personally, as a shy guy, I've just never considered starting a conversation with a stranger on the bus, for many of the reasons you mentioned, but also because I've always assumed that this is a venue where most girls do not want to be approached (I also see the gym as such a venue, even though I see some of the cutest girls there). However, I think those rules don't count when the girl approaches the guys... call me old-fashioned, but I think most guys would love to be approached anywhere by a girl (if the guy is single). Even if he's not interested in the girl, it's always an ego boost, as long as it's not awkward or in the workplace or something like that.

 

Anyway, thanks for chronicling your story and thanks for the inspiration.

[cpc28655]

I have given this some serious thought and I think I have figured out why it bothers me so much. There is a thread similar to this on plenty of fish. There is one lady that said Personal experience: every time I ask...they say no. "shrugs" ...oh well!!. Under this post there is a guy that says, Well, your asking idiots then, because any half intelligent man would not turn you down....

. Take a moment and consider the weight of that guys statement.

 

If a man says no to a woman for whatever reason, we tend to look down upon the man. Perhaps not to the extreme that guy on plenty of fish did, but the fact remains. I am a strong believer in both "equal rights" and "equal responsibility". So yes, women or men should feel free to ask the other out. But in order for it to to really work, I think we must reexamine what is meant by equality.

 

But I am just a simple cook, lol.

[Clarity]

I think reasons that most guys would love to be approached by a girl, even if the girl ends up being one they would not go out with, are two-fold, IMHO:

 

1) As in any situation, regardless of gender, someone likes you. Whether it be the way you look, you act, or something else, that can never be anything but flattering and a boost for the ego. It tells you that, at least to someone, you're desirable and you have redeeming qualities. Now I know that for some people, this is much more common than others, so obviously the impact of this is lessened if it happens to you all the time...

 

2) Even in today's society, men are expected to "chase" the woman, for the most part. As males, we generally have to "generate our own chances" of finding romance. So if some chances happen upon us without any effort, that's a bonus! Even if it's not a girl you'd want to date, you were presented in a choice where you had nothing to lose and a lot to gain!

 

3) If the girl is someone that you'd like to date, then 1 & 2 still apply, but you're probably 100x times happier

[GrandGuy8682]

Id rather have the girl make the move first so that I know she's interested in me.

 

I 100% agree here. I much rather the girl initiate contact. That's probably because I'm shy and I don't really have any experience handling rejection. On the other hand I don't have any experience being the rejector. Say I wasn't interested in the girl for some reason or other. I wouldn't really know how to reject her. But I'm willing to take my chances and have the girl initiate contact.

[Batya33]

It's interesting that the two previous posters who wanted the woman to initiate contact said that the reasons included being flattered and to get practice in rejecting. lol.

 

I agree that certain shy men find it easier to have the woman initiate contact but in my experience of many years of dating (and this only pertains to guys late 20s and up - perhaps things have changed drastically with the earlier set) even though it is "easier" on the shy guy, when the shy guy is sincerely and strongly interested, he will do the asking (as my bf did, many years ago, when he was shy, the first time we dated) and typically the women that men are in long term relationships with (whether they are shy or not) are those where they did the majority of the asking, calling, initiating in the beginning stages.

 

Obviously if the woman wants simply to flatter the guy or to make things easier on him that's fine - but making things easier can also come accross to many men as being overeager - for most men overeager does not translate to "girlfriend material" although it might translate to a few dates or a fling - some men won't turn down a woman who shows strong interest or because he thinks it's cool that she did the asking but typically that doesn't form the basis for a long term relationship if that's what the woman is seeking.

 

Sure, asking for the first date or a cup of coffee can break the ice and lead to a relationship, but if the woman keeps doing the asking (i.e. takes the man's role) it is unlikely it will become a happy long term relationship. I know of none in my general age group (give or take a decade - I am 40) and never have known of any over the last 20 years.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking - it's just not generally effective if the woman is seeking something long term - and I don't think men should do all the chasing or do any chasing, but i do think the man is more comfortable and it works better for the couple when the man does more of the calling, initiating and planning in the beginning.

 

To the OP - i am not at all surprised he declined your invitation - not because of you but I agree completely with CPC that if this guy had been truly interested, he would have done the asking - nothing to do with being shy, he just wasn't available.

 

and, yes I have asked men out - a few times I was rejected, a few times we had a date or two. I would do it again (if I didn't now have a bf) if I thought it would be effective at more than just flattering the guy or resulting in a few dates. Asking can show confidence - and it's never 'wrong" it's just ineffective. Perhaps things have changed for teenagers/younger people and perhaps things will change in the future. I think they should but it will require a real shift in mindset for men so that they are comfortable with women doing the traditional male role in the beginning stages of dating.

[Clarity]

Batya, I agree that if the girl has to keep asking, then that's likely not a good sign, but I don't think that a girl/woman initiating contact for the first time, just to let the guy know she's interested, has any bearing on the future success of the relationship. Especially in the case of a shy guy, once he knows that the girl is interested, he will generally be able to take control of things - it's the ice-breaker that is mostly the hard part.