I "DO" Need Your Help, Please!

[ImThatGirl]

I know you are all probably so tired of my back and forth with my "relationship."

 

It happened again..... I tried to discuss something with him Friday night, he blew up, and walked out. I told him if he couldn't have a discussion and would rather walk out that he was walking out of my life - it would be over. I sent him several text messages to get everything off of my chest. Saturday, he sent me a text "I think maybe we just need to take a break." My response "how will that help?" No response from him. I sent him a text that night that said "I hope you know this is not a break. It's done."

 

Don't know why I did it..... But I looked up his name on myspace. Low and behold, he created a new one with "dating and serious relationships" as his interests. Fortunately he has his profile set to private so I can see nothing more than that.

 

I really know that our relationship is over and should have been a long time ago. But his putting "dating and serious relationships" as interests feels like a knife in my heart. I'm having difficulty grasping why he stayed with me and how it can be so easy for him to move on after a couple of days....

 

Please offer your words of encouragement... Just once more I promise! I need to heal and move on and not let this cut me like a knife... I don't have time for this. Mind you - - - I will be strong and great with my children. It's the night times that are hard. I can't sleep or at least have difficulty falling asleep so I sit and think and think and think!

[EvaGina]

He knew you would look at his myspace, he wants you to hurt.

 

Im glad its over for you tho, although it hurts now, its hte start of healing. think about how bad it would be if your problems with him were still dragging on in a years time!??!

[Jason1080]

I guessing you have a myspace as well? Brighten up your myspace and change it. Make it look like your happy (which you will be). He will surely check on it to see your status, once he sees your happy, hes gonna feel like he failed trying to hurt you. Also, just smile more. It helps.

[ImThatGirl]

He knew you would look at his myspace, he wants you to hurt.

 

Im glad its over for you tho, although it hurts now, its hte start of healing. think about how bad it would be if your problems with him were still dragging on in a years time!??!

 

 

Thank you! I have a friend that's been going through this for 8 years! Whew.. 7 months was too much for me!

[ImThatGirl]

I guessing you have a myspace as well? Brighten up your myspace and change it. Make it look like your happy (which you will be). He will surely check on it to see your status, once he sees your happy, hes gonna feel like he failed trying to hurt you. Also, just smile more. It helps.

 

 

Thank you, Jason!

 

I suppose that may be why he put that as why he is there. Saturday night, I was home alone because I hadn't made any plans (he and I were supposed to go bowling.)

 

Instead of feeling all sappy, I took a bubble bath, put on a happy face, went and bought new aromatherapy candles and took new pics for my myspace page. (My avatar is my main pic.) So yeah - that probably ticked him off but so be it! He set his new Myspace page up on Sunday, the day after. I'm sure it was mostly to get in touch with the few friends he has left but also due to my putting up new pics.

[ImThatGirl]

I do have to admit. I sent 3 messages immediately after seeing his "dating/serious relationships." Before talking to my dear friend NolaDarling and posting here.

 

1) Hmm, Isn't That Interesting

2) And ya said I'd be the one looking to replace you quickly.

3) Why did you even bother staying with me? (this one was more lengthy.)

 

I will not respond if I get a response from him!

 

I guess I should also note that this is the first time I changed my Myspace status to "single" so that was probably realization for him as well..

 

I just can't imagine dating again... Not yet.

[L.J.]

Hey ITG,

Sorry to hear what you are going through but it's an astute decision though. There's no intrinsic value in this relationship if he walks out every time the wind blows cold. You've deprecated his behavior for quite some time already. We've talked about this. Now you have the strength to strip the romance of the pretense of beauty.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

First of all, this is a place where we all come to rant, vent, cry, smile. You don't need to apologize for posting about your situation, we care and want to help you (and cheer you up!).

 

So. I think in fact that what you did was GREAT. And that is also why he put up that dating profile. His pride was hurt, so he did this little thing to hurt you back. Quite lame, don't you think? You stood up for yourself. I am VERY proud that you just said 'it's over now'. It would have been so easy for him to just stay in a non-committed situation and do whatever he likes. A break would not have helped anything, clearly he doesn't see why things are bothering you. A break would probably mean that YOU had to change (and stop 'whining' about problems)-- I have been there with my first bf (now long long ago, we've been apart since early 2003). I would feel unsatisfied, address it, a drama would arise, and then HE would suggest a break. Huh?!

 

Girl, you did the right thing. He's not the one you should be with, and him putting up that profile even emphasizes that. He was too weak to be honest and break things off in a decent way (or commit and change his behaviour). You showed pride and walked away, and then he posts an ad? Pity the girl that responds to his ad, and be proud of the decision you made.

 

((HUGS))

 

Arwen

[arwen]

I do have to admit. I sent 3 messages immediately after seeing his "dating/serious relationships." Before talking to my dear friend NolaDarling and posting here.

 

1) Hmm, Isn't That Interesting

2) And ya said I'd be the one looking to replace you quickly.

3) Why did you even bother staying with me? (this one was more lengthy.)

 

I will not respond if I get a response from him!

 

I guess I should also note that this is the first time I changed my Myspace status to "single" so that was probably realization for him as well..

 

I just can't imagine dating again... Not yet.

 

I wouldn't post on his profile. That is 'his' level. You're too great for that!

 

Is it clear that they are from you, those posts? It just creates a vicious circle imho. I think that you will wait IF he replies and WHAT. But the truth is, you don't need him at all. Erase the history from your pc, the cookies and all of that. Brighten up your own MySpace with cool pics of you, the kiddos and your friends. Be the fab person that you are.

 

 

 

Arwen

[lizziebee]

ITG-Good for you with the tx msg I mean...The myspace thing? Could be a game, don't let your mind wander, not safe there alone anyway, thats why we are right here where we should be. Yes, something could draw you back but right now the way I see it, you are holding all the marbles, and plus you did not lose any of your own! You are doing fine and the fact that you wrote about your kids show where your heart and priorities are...be you, take care of you, keep yourself safe...I hope this helps.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you everyone!

 

L.J. - Thank you thank you - you remember and you were very helpful before. Thanks for posting so much!

 

Arwen - Thanks for your encouragement to post. I am so tired of being the jack in this! We're together/we're not/we're together/we're not. You are absolutely right, as is L.J., it's time to get over this and stop prolonging the inevitable. Those 3 messages I already sent - they were like private myspace messages, not actually on his myspace page for everyone to see.

 

Lizziebee - Thank you!

 

I think in a way I am holding all the marbles... I know he has noone in his life because he's avoided and shut everyone out. I'm now added to that list. I have felt positive and confident for some time regarding this situation...

 

But dang it - - - he's gonna date someone else!!! Chances are he may not even be interested. He often said to me - "I could care less if I'm single for the rest of my life!" Even when we were getting along he said that once. Fact is he's not leading a life of pride, dignity, or confidence, or honesty for that matter (regarding his ex and his six week old daughter.)

 

I did everything for him and would have continued to if he would have at least made an effort. One of the messages he sent me Saturday said "You deserve better than me!" Darn right I do!!!

 

Sooo yeah - I know I'm getting the good end of the stick by this being finalized. It just hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I also woke up grouchy about it this morning but I have my happy face on! My son has a two hour delay so we're hanging out watching a little tv and my daughter is still sleeping.

 

Life is beautiful. My children are beautiful. My heart is beautiful. I will not prolong the inevitable. I will reach out and welcome the future and the happiness we already have!

 

And I will post here when/if this situation starts eating at me...

[Vynde]

Hey imthatgirl,

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this anguish. I can relate to the constant barrage of various emotions that clobber you on a sometimes hourly basis..

 

Ill tell you one thing, and that is you should stay away from myspace. Sure, pep-up your site, make it cheerful, amusing and all about you. But please make sure not to even glance at his right now. Keep in mind that right now "Nothing" good can come from looking at it...

 

I found what has helped me is the old "out of sight out of mind" technique. Remove everything you can that reminds you of him, even if it’s not his. Don't throw it away... maybe just pack it away.

 

Don't send him anymore txt messages - Your giving him an upper hand which in turn makes you feel more helpless which translates to you feeling upset more and more. Try NC. Stick with it. It might not give you the upper hand per say; however it will give you a sense of control in that YOU now decide to respond if he should happen to contact you..

 

Regardless, its time to focus on yourself, as hard as that is right now. I know for me, I reconnected with old friends, restored relationships with family, concentrated on my health and fitness and focused on becoming an independent person, trying to understand that "I don't need that person to be happy". The goal here for you (us) is to become happy with ourselves (a task in itself).

 

It’s very easy for me to tell you how to go about this, very hard to follow through with it. I know even for myself, knowing all this information doesn't help all the time. I do know that it gets better, regardless of how you’re feeling right now.

 

Hang in.

 

John

[Batya33]

I am sorry you're going through this and agree (particularly with EvaGina) about the myspace page. And be careful about what you post on his public myspace page and on yours since I think you mentioned way back that you might be interested in a new job - employers have been known to look at myspace pages to see if they're appropriate.

 

Look, you decided it was worth it to give it another shot - for solid reasons, right? You needed this to play out as it did - you were not ready to believe it would be the same pattern again. So, yes, he should have put in effort, but you wouldn't have tried again if you hadn't seen him putting in effort, right? So, the good thing is that now you have an even stronger arsenal to rely on the next time you think "one more chance" - if you have to write out each time you believed it would be different this time to help you, do so!

 

As far as him being back in the dating scene - the myspace page is very "in your face" and meant to be - it doesn't mean that he will find someone or even if he does, find a quality person or someone he is happy with. The less you look at the page the better because it truly exxagerates things and makes your imagination go places it shouldn't.

 

Good luck!

[arwen]

Life is beautiful. My children are beautiful. My heart is beautiful. I will not prolong the inevitable. I will reach out and welcome the future and the happiness we already have!

 

 

Read this again whenever you are in pain. Because no matter what kind of jerk he was, you had feelings and they got hurt. You are a strong woman, you will feel better soon I am sure. I am glad to see that you know inside that you deserve something better than this.

 

Arwen

[bigheart09]

ITG,

You are such a wonderful, caring person. You deserve better than what he can offer you. Just stay strong and stay positive. I agree with others when they say dont look at his myspace page. Just focus on yourself and your kids. Contact me anytime you need to talk.

HUGS

[flower99]

"Life is beautiful. My children are beautiful. My heart is beautiful. I will not prolong the inevitable. I will reach out and welcome the future and the happiness we already have!"

 

 

Read this again whenever you are in pain. Because no matter what kind of jerk he was, you had feelings and they got hurt. You are a strong woman, you will feel better soon I am sure. I am glad to see that you know inside that you deserve something better than this.

 

Arwen

 

I totally agree!

You do have a beautiful heart. You put your whole heart into this, You gave it your best, but it just isn't working. You're wise not to prolong the inevitable. It is far better than dranging it out for years. (it took 3 years before I realized) you are a smart women

But knowing you did your best is reassurance & allows you to put it behind you. Knowing in your heart you did all you could & you're doing the right thing to move on. You deserve better than this, and there is far greater out there for you!

You've been strong & wise this far,I am certain you have a bright & happy future ahead of you. You've got a great attitude & a good head on your shoulders. hugs & smiles **

 

P.S Arwen is right, don't apologize for your post, We are hear to listen & help however we can, no apologizes.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you all! I'd love to comment on each of your points but don't have much time or energy. We've had a busy day... My son's school got cancelled and two of his friends came over to stay plus my daughter being home. Whew!

 

It's eating at me. I know I am not a "victim" here. I saw all the red flags and ignored them. But I still can't accept that he just washed me out of his life without a thought. I'm so angry that he stayed for so long. I don't understand and I'm very angry.... I want to make it go away! Only way I can imagine to get it out of my system is to go to bed now and get up in the morning. But obviously that's not a possiblity.

[flower99]

But I still can't accept that he just washed me out of his life without a thought. I'm so angry that he stayed for so long. I don't understand and I'm very angry.... I want to make it go away! Only way I can imagine to get it out of my system is to go to bed now and get up in the morning. But obviously that's not a possiblity.

 

I am so sorry for your pain & anger. Garanteed you are not washed out of his life & thoughts. I think He's put on a face or blocked his own feelings. One day, he will miss you & he will look back. May take him years or it may happen the day he thinks he's lost you, when you start to move on. But it will catch up to him. it hurt so much to feel as though you were so easy to let go, but I don't think it's possible, you are still in his thoughts & heart, though he will not show it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there are many people out there who see other people only thru the eyes of 'how useful is that person to me', and if you stop giving them what they want (or need anything back from them yourself), then they just drop you and go looking for someone who will give them exactly what they want.... but that is not a real relationship, that is like a toddler who just moves from toy to toy and drops whichever one he's not interested in at the moment...

 

so if he did just 'drop' you without any thought, it is a reflection of how immature and shallow he is, NOT about who you are or what you have to offer or had invested in the relationship.

 

i dated a guy once who told me that he knew he 'didn't love anybody the way he should...' at first i wrote this off to modesty or lack of self esteem, but i learned the hard way that it was really true... his life was a revolving door of women, and what he really wanted was A woman, not any particular woman, so if he didn't get immediate gratification for what he wanted, he just wandered off looking for the next one who would.

 

your ex drifted out of his last relationship and left his pregnant girlfriend, then drifted into your life, then kind of floated in and out of everybody's life based on his particular mood or need. that is just a self centered person who doesn't seem to recognize that he really needs to commit himself to those he gets involved with. he took up with you really easily when he left his ex, and now he will most likely do it again when he finds someone who will have him...

 

so it is painful to you now, but you should feel very good that you are a person who cares and makes a commitment and tries, but this is a case of the old expression that you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. he doesn't seem to really WANT to be obligated (or more importantly really be connected) to his partners, so you are better off learning that now and recognizing that this guy is definitely NOT long term partner material.

 

so once you get over the intense grieving period (which everyone must do, and you will), then you will see him with a little more perspective and not be so devastated. you are a loving and caring person who deserves someone who is the same, and he seems kinds of shallow and wishy-washy, just wandering about without respect to how much pain he is causing other people. you just don't need these endless wandering in and out cycles he does. you feel bad now, but think how bad you would feel you had a child with him and he wandered out then, instead of now, when at least you are able to get him entirely out of your life and not be reminded of him endlessly.

[ImThatGirl]

I hope you all know how amazing you are and how helpful you have been to me!

 

I've been working under a little more pressure than usual this week with my little girls collarbone sore and healing and attempting to get work done from home and then the my son's school being closed for a fog day yesterday..

 

My daughter went to her dad's yesterday afternoon. It felt good to get out of the house for a bit. Nice fresh air and sunny day. I decided I'd take my son to dinner. We got to dinner and wham! A lump in my throat and tears in my eyes! I couldn't let it out because I was with my son. I succeeded at hiding it and holding it in until after he went to sleep. We had a good dinner, plenty of coloring and talking. We went to the hardware store too so I could get tools for fixing his xbox, which I did successfully when we got home.

 

I think somehow it all just hit me "I'm all Alone!" Of course being all alone is better than being with him! I haven't been that emotional for a long time. I think I just crashed from exhaustion from everything from the week. And then the panic of "I'm all Alone..." Yet I am very independent and know I will get used and enjoy being single.

 

I talked to a friend took a bubble bath, still felt crumby. Talked to another friend - started praying and praying... I started feeling better. Stronger.

 

I started to get on the computer last night but realized my cats had chewed my mouse cord apart. God works in mysterious ways, eh? I needed to get away from the computer!

 

I was just about to go to sleep and an old friend called and we talked for a long time...

 

I feel so relaxed, confident, and positive today. And I have to say - it is because of wonderful people like each of you that help me see the positive light and give me a shoulder to lean on. Thank you, each and every one of you!!!!

[flower99]

I talked to a friend took a bubble bath, still felt crumby. Talked to another friend - started praying and praying... I started feeling better. Stronger.

 

I started to get on the computer last night but realized my cats had chewed my mouse cord apart. God works in mysterious ways, eh? I needed to get away from the computer!

 

I was just about to go to sleep and an old friend called and we talked for a long time...

 

I feel so relaxed, confident, and positive today. And I have to say - it is because of wonderful people like each of you that help me see the positive light and give me a shoulder to lean on. Thank you, each and every one of you!!!!

 

Wow that's awesome...God does work in mysterious ways.

If you get a chance you should look up James 1:2 it's an awesome verse & 1 corinthians 10:13 My two favorite verses that help when I'm struggling. They are encouraging.

[L.J.]

I think somehow it all just hit me "I'm all Alone!" Of course being all alone is better than being with him!

 

Note To Self:

Stop knocking on that door of unhappiness! Look at the bright future and the endless opportunity ahead of you!

 

When we live our lives long enough for or with others, it's easy to forget ourselves. Sometime our expectations are focused on the people around us, what we want them to be, who we want them to be. We only want the best for them.

 

Maybe it's time to focus on yourself. Push boundaries ... is there something you want to live for? Be the person you want to be .... for yourself, for your kids? You are NOT alone. We are here with you.

[ImThatGirl]

I feel good.... I haven't had the urge to contact him. I'm still hurt and a little bit bitter about everything but it's okay!

 

What I've been up to..

 

Busy with my children. My daughter is actually at her dad's til tomorrow so I could come to work yesterday and today. I miss her! She's such a bright light and much fun at our house. My son and I were talking about how we miss her last night. My son and I went to get a new xbox game last night. A good friend / old co-worker called and invited us to dinner. We went. And we had a great time!

 

I've been in touch with one of my ex's old friends. He was best friends with her husband for 17 years and then just dropped them out of his life in the past few months. She knows what it feels like to be tossed out. She has been very helpful and I think our communication is healing for both of us. I see she and I becoming good friends as we have alot in common: family/children oriented, etc.

 

And lastly........ Not sure what everyone's take will be on this. But I am going out with an old friend tonight. Actually, I met him online over a year ago. He asked me to go out to dinner with him several times but was very patient. I got in touch with him last night to see how he was doing. We decided to go bowling and to dinner. I'm going to be very clear that I just want to get to know him better. And out of all honesty, I'm sure I'll enjoy his company, but I mostly just want to live and laugh a little or alot. I want to be positive. I want to enjoy life. I do not want to spend a Friday night at home with the possibility of obsessing about my ex. Is that okay?

 

Tomorrow, I'll be a busy mama! I'll have my two children and my three nieces will be coming over for the night! I can't wait! Gotta think of some fun projects for all of us. We're gonna have a great time!

 

Just wanted to check in with everyone. Thank you again!

[L.J.]

Indeed you are not alone. You have virtual friends and a good support system in the real world. Seem like you're doing all the right things, getting in touch with old friends and reconnecting with not so old ones.

 

Everybody deserves to live and laugh a little... or a lot. Why would you want to stay home on a Friday night obsessing about the negative? Go bowl and dine .. have fun !

[bigheart09]

ITG,

You sound great!! Have fun tonight!