His EX is driving me INSANE!!!

[prizmpyxis]

I'm not even sure if this belongs on this thread, but it's confusing and it has to do with his ex so I might as well put it here. Basically, simply put, my boyfriend's ex is driving me INSANE and she's not even a part of his life anymore!!! I feel like the dumbest, most idiotic person on the planet because I practically stalk this girl and she has nothing to do with him and he wants nothing to do with her.

--Ok, so that's an exaggeration. I stalk her, but she doesn't know that I do it. Every day I log onto his facebook/myspace/google and look for new pictures of her, new messages from people, or emails. Sometimes, I do this multiple times a day, and it makes me feel so bad. At this point, I know who all her friends are, I know what she looks like, and I know almost everything there is to know about her...yet we have never had one conversation.

In the beginning of our relationship, this girl was constantly on my boyfriend's back, trying to convince him that he should be with her. However, eventually he realized how much it bothered me that she was doing this, and he told her to stop calling him. Since then, she has called him once to hang out and he declined this offer politely. So...he gives me no reason not to trust him. I have told him that if he really wants to hang out with her he can, and he says that he doesn't and will not. So why am I acting this way?

He dated her for 3 years, and from what I can tell she was madly in love with him and thought that she would spend the rest of her life with him..but he didn't really feel the same way. He claims that he just stayed with her because he was afraid that he would never find another relationship. I have been dating him six months, and we both feel that this is it...that we belong together. However, it's the little things that bother me...like how we can't have this *certain* song because it used to be their song, how I go over his house and there are pictures of her that his Mom forgot to take down, there are photo albums filled with pictures of them, notes, and just all the remnants. Last weekend I got so upset because I couldn't take it anymore and while we were at his house he ripped up a few pictures of her and threw them in the garbage. Then he went around his house and took down the pictures that his Mom still had up. They lost their virginity to each other, and I hate that he loved someone before me. I know that he loves me more and that I am very insecure but I can't help it. Does anyone else have this problem...or have any suggestions?

Thank You.

[SeaBisquit]

hey there. take it from me stop the insecurities, your going to push him away. he gives you no reason not to trust him. he is with you not her. feel free to pm me i am going thru the same thing.

[Caterina]

History is history. They've been together for three years. He doesn't like her anymore. When and if he starts to contact her, then you can start worrying. I agree with the previous poster. Forget about this girl, she's gone.

[EvaGina]

Okay, his parents are either nasty or just really oblivious...

I dont like thinking of my bf's exs either, but you have to make a conscious effort to relax about it.

You almost have to chant a mantra.

 

Tell him to change his facebook passwords, if you dont want to tell him you have been snooping (I know you know its terrible, so I wont lecture you) say that they are ebing hacked into or somthing...

[keytwist]

i'm so relieved to find that other people are going through what i'm going through. in my case, i'm now married to my boy, but i still find myself obsessed with his past girlfriends. one of them has a blog (that she hasn't posted to in over a year), and i've found some others through google. in particular, one sticks out as the main focus of my lingering insecurity. she was his first love, they were on again off again for a number of years, and tried to be friends well into our relationship. i felt she treated him (and me) poorly, and asked him to confront her. he fumbled it a couple times, but finally managed to talk to her. he's had a couple brief, civil, email exchanges with her and she's texted him on his birthday since.

 

i've gotten to the point where i've realized that he probably never thinks about her unless i bring her up, so i'm trying not to bring her up. it's kind of working- i'm trying to focus more on my own life and my assets and our relationship, and i think i'm finding that i get less excitement out of finding out stuff about her. eventually, maybe i'll get to the point where talking about her is a natural part of talking about his past.

 

at any rate, i was starting to feel really insane about the way that i felt and my compulsive tendencies. thank you for showing me i'm not alone and letting me know that other people are working on this too!

[scaredtodeath]

I know exactly how you feel- I still look sometimes if I think he won't catch me. It's a horrible habit, and it does nothing to make your relationship stronger. I sat my bf down one night, and told him about how that whole part of his life bothers me. He let me say what I wanted to say, and then I signed a contract to both of us saying I wouldn't bring her up again, wouldn't look at her livejournal anymore, and would basically allow him to not have to relive that part of his life. That helped me out a lot because I didn't want to let him down or break my promise to him, and it's made our relationship a lot better.

 

And about his mom having pictures- my boyfriend's mom called me by the ex's name the first time I met them. OUCH! They dated for two years when they were in high school, and we're way away from home at college, so I'm not an everyday thing in her life, which makes me feel better about it, but it really sucked.

 

If it makes you feel any better, people change as they grow, and more often than not, they become better people. He's learned since her and he nows how to act in a relationship and things are probably better for you and him than they ever were between the two of them. Who he is now, is better than who he was when they were dating. I more than likely would not have dated my bf if I met him during the time they were dating. And being 19, he's probably a heck of a lot sexier now than he was then- much more manly!

 

It's hard to think that someone you love once cared about someone else. It hurts, but he's not with her anymore. He's with you. Because he loves you and because you're special to him. Don't forget that. He picked you.

[DivaAlec]

Everytime I date a guy I have that same problem too. Actually my ex and I had a conversation about this a few weeks ago. I know exactly what you are going through. I think its normal to feel this way. If a boyfriend brings up an ex that he was really in love with or close to, I just tell him that I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it and I don't care. That way he knows that you don't want to know anything about the past relationship. For me, it's easier if he doesn't talk about the past relationship at all. PM me if you want because I have done exactly what you are doing.

[eleanorrigby1]

I am quite relieved to see that others feel like this too. Probably not as obsessed or insane as me! ha ha

 

However, I copied some links here of others (some are mine) threads, that are going through the same thing, threads that show how others feel, to show you that you aren't alone and that there are people here you can talk to.