10 years together

[cb547]

Firt time posting, so bear with me.

 

I am 37 and I have been married to a woman for 10 years. We have a son, 6, and a daughter, 4. We have done a great job raising the kids. they are sweet, smart, and loving. But it seems something is missing.

 

For the last 6 - 7 years, we both know that something was not right. We don't have sex unless we have had a few drinks. We don't have intimate moments. It's like we are acting. She says it feels like she has a roomate that helps with the house and the kids. We do care about eachother, but there is no "spark", no feeling that we have something.

 

She gets angry and shuts down a lot. She remembers things I have done and holds grudges. She tells me that this is not what she thought marriage would be like. She wants someone that sweeps her off her feet. Whe needs someone that is emotional and sensitive. She does not seem very happy at all. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help.

 

The problem is, I am not emotional, and not very sensative. I am a realist and a very logical person. She says that I am a good dad. I am a very involved father. It seems like the only reason we are together is because of our love for our wonderful children. I'm starting to feel like I want more too. I think that we might be better off both finding someone else.

 

She has threatened divorce many times and I have talked her out of it. But more and more, I don't think I want to talk her out of it. I think she is right. We could be happier with other people. I just don't know if I can deal with her being unhappy anymore.

 

Counseling has not been helpful. She always feels like the counselor takes my side or that I manipulate the situation. Or it is better for a while and then it falls apart again. I'm pushing for more counciling, but I'm not hopeful.

 

So, do I give in and get divorced? What about the kids, the house, the cars, our time together, our goals and dreams? Am I so affraid about all of this that I'm not addressing the real fact that we may not be right for eachother? Or do we just continue in an unhappy marriage? I think we both feel stuck. I feel like I'm hurting her more being married than a divorce would hurt her. But the kids... Like I said, we are stuck.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Mun]

Hello there and welcome!

Have you tried changing couselors? I'd say keep trying with the counseling.

 

Sounds like you are definitely missing that intimacy that's so important. I'm guessing you don't have a date night? You should and maybe even go as far as to have a trial separation in which you date each other....before you head for the divorce court.

 

I hope you are still interested enough in her to compliment her, flirt with her and such.

 

When you say she remembers things you've done would that by any chance include cheating?. Just wondering....

[Dako]

Sorry you're both unhappy.

 

Divorce is not easy, but you seem to be together for some reason, whether it's habit, fear of change or the children's welfare.

Do you see divorce as your only option?

If so, I'd suggest discussing it with your wife and try to agree that keeping it civil will mimimize the harm done to the kids. Fighting over terms and details openly or involving the kids as confidants is unfair to them.

[cb547]

Hello there and welcome!

Have you tried changing couselors? I'd say keep trying with the counseling.

 

Sounds like you are definitely missing that intimacy that's so important. I'm guessing you don't have a date night? You should and maybe even go as far as to have a trial separation in which you date each other....before you head for the divorce court.

 

I hope you are still interested enough in her to compliment her, flirt with her and such.

 

When you say she remembers things you've done would that by any chance include cheating?. Just wondering....

Thanks Mun,

 

I do still care for her, but It's like you would care for a good friend.

 

We have tried date night, but it just doesn't feel right. Everything feels contrived, manufactured. It feels like we are just going through the motions. Sometimes if we do have sex, I will do someting that she doesn't like (nothing weird), and i's over. Just like that.

 

No, It's not cheating. She holds resentments about everything. Things I have said to her. Nights I have come home late. Fights we had years ago. Mistakes I have made.

 

She has a hard time letting go of her anger and I can let it go immediately, which sets her off even more.

 

I'm not saying that I don't have my own issues. I am not very emotional or compassionate. But I never claimed to be.

 

Like I said, I hope more counseling works.

[jengh]

Have you considered a trial separation? Maybe for a few weeks to a month?

 

I'm young (20) and have never been in this situation, but I think you should pursue more counseling and as mentioned above, maybe try a new therapist, possibly let your wife pick this one out so she doesn't think they're "siding" with you.

[confused_male_32]

It's a blessing to have a wonderful family such as yours and it would be a shame to see it breakup.

Counselling will only postpone the problem but will not really solve it. What you guys are missing in life is thrill!!!

I don't know what you guys do for fun or on vacation but try some stuff outdoors. Get her involved in stuff which requires some physical exertion and has an element of danger to it. Go to Hawaii and try surfing, don't just lay on the beach all day and drink umbrella drinks. Go to Chile in the summer and ski. I know these are crazy things to do, but fear is an awesome aphrodisiac.

She needs to see you as a strong alpha-male in her life and not just a nice guy who takes care of the kids.

 

Imagine going down a steep ski slope where you think you will die every second but by some miracle you make it (most people are scared but rarely anything happens). You feel the adrenaline rush, endorphins bursting in your brains.

Bring her back to the lodge, rip her clothes and make love to her. Trust me on this, you would have not only saved your marriage but learnt something about yourself as well.

[chocolady]

Have you asked her straight out what she wants from you? Have you told her want you want from her? That is a very good start. Get a babysitter, crack open a bottle and SHARE as adults what you both want. How can you fix things if you don't know what the problem is or what you both want and need from each other?

 

I also think the spark gets dampened because women and men turn into mothers and fathers and don't set any time aside for good honest fun alone, especially sexually. It's so easy t put aside sex because of the children awake throught the night, in the way etc. Always, always make that time, it will pay off in plenty.

 

I think it's unfair for one to take all the blame, she is as much to blame for not communicating her wants and needs and you are to blame for accepting all the blame.

 

You NEED to talk about what you BOTH want.

[Mun]

I like confusedmales ideas. I believe that good therapist will not only talk with you but give you some "homework " to get both of you working together. Is any of that going on here?

[cb547]

These are all good ideas. I am definitely going to push for therapy, her choice for counselor.

 

We have had "homework" in the past. It never seems to keep up. Maybe both of us are not working hard enough.

 

It always seems to come down to the fact that she is not happy with the way I am. She wants me to be somebody that I don't know if I can be. I mean, I can fake it for a while, but when it comes down to the wire, I am not caring/sensitive/understanding/romantic enough.

 

It's hard for me. I grew up with in afamily that was not very sensitive. I played high school and college sports which don't foster those feelings at all. This is not an excuse. I'm sure it is hard on her. I'm not a mean person, just maybe a little stoic.

 

It' like she wants this tough guy, but I have to be the sensitive guy too. I'm afraid I'm not that deep.

[confusedmama]

I would hate to see a relationship of 10 years and 2 children go away because the "spark" isn't there. It must have been there to begin with or you wouldn't have gotten together. Maybe take a trip back in your memory as to what made it good in the beginning. You don't have to repeat those things but it might give you an idea of what is "missing" in the relationship.

As women we enjoy the little things that men do to make our lives easier, communication and actually listening to what we say (and sometimes don't say) mean a lot and go a long way to helping our feelings return. Did you used to buy her flowers, little cards, things to let her know she is important to you-not just the mom, housekeeper, etc-maybe you can start these up again and NOT stop after a while. It takes WORK to make a relationship strong.

I agree communication is a BIG part of it. SHe needs to know you are listening to her and care about her needs-not just lip service, not saying that you do that but it is a problem most of us have (myself included at times) YOU can't FAKE it, you have to want to give her the thinkgs she needs and you are the only one who can decide if you WANT to give her that. Is your marriage worth it? Are your kids worth it? Just like you had to practice in sports (and I know) you have to practice these traits also. JUST DO IT

[ghost69]

a lot of times kids change the spark aspect. priorities change, physical attributes of the other person fade to worse. the attraction is gone. all symptoms of being with someone for so long and having accomplished this much as well. you just need to spice up the bedroom side somehow. a counselor could help. you can go to an adult shop and get some books. not all books there are just for sex. there are encounter books that tell how you can just change the same old thing like having a drink into something crazy. it's the spice.

 

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