husband cheated and is now avoiding confrontation

[santh2007]

Hi,

Sorry this will be a long post. I have been married for 4 yrs to my H. First I was a housewife, dedicated myself to house and taking care of him. Never neglected anything breakfast, lunches, snacks, dinners treated him like a king.

He seemed very happy with me. The moment I would display a different opinion on a subject matter we are discussing, he would fly off the handle. I became a fusser. Slowly during arguments he called me abusive words. No matter what I did for him I could never be the submissive, husband respecting , wife. Well, to make a long story short, after 1.5 yrs as housewife i took up a job. We both moved to his dad's house where he also took up another job. I was ignored more and more each day. I gave him a cellphone as a gift. Whenever i wanted to talk or confront him about anything he would ignore me even more. It went to that point where he would not care whether i came back home from work or not. He would not ask or care. Just in front of his Dad he acted OK. I could not take it anymore.Seemed like he hated me from deep within but never could bring it to his lips. he started giving me hints to move out. He told me will join some spiritual organization after 6 months and leave his job etc, i should find a place to live.

Ultimately I moved out of his Dad's house after 6 months.

 

I was in deep depression and still deeply loved him. I did not contact him for 2 months after that i would call him up and ask him about his health etc. The i started asking him to go to marriage counselling. before he has always avoided going to counselling but always said he doesn't mind. This time he came to the counsellor but told me it will only be once that he will visit. In front of the counsellor he said the marriage was a big mistake, he does not have any feelings for me, all that he has is physical feelings and that he is trying to get rid of them. Refused to answer any other questions the counsellor asked him. She asked each one of us if we want to make this marriage work. I said YES and he said "I WILL NOT ANSWER THIS QUESTION".

That was the end of counselling.

 

OK, So I thought that this will end. But i still called him up once in a while saying I will be happy for his future. After another 4 months i came to a point where, i overcame depression, got detached from him(for my own good, forgave him, and was ready to move on).He called once a month, probably he sensed my happiness or whatever.

 

Now suddenly last christmas, he started pursuing me again, saying he wants to start fresh again. He loves me like he never loved anyone before. After 2 weeks i let him in. he was the nicest most caring person ever.

 

After one month, silly me, (i have online login for his cellphone). I logged in what did I see. One number to which calls have been made 7-8 times a day everyday. from 7am to 12.30in the night. Sometimes 5-6 calls in a span of 5 hrs between 8pm to 1.30 am. I confronted him, he said it was his guy friend, i could not believe this lie. I confronted him again nicely and he said that this was a more than good friend he used to discuss his problems with. Since he was extremely depressed when i moved out, he had nobody to talk to etc etc.

he refused to give me her name politely saying"IT WILL SERVE NO PURPOSE".

I asked him what they spoke about at 12 and 1 in the night.he refused again with the standard phrase"IT WILL SERVE NO PURPOSE".

 

I had many many questions and all he told me was this is a good friend of 10 yrs.

Later i called up that number and that lady told me her name but refused to speak to me.

With more research i found that that she was his tenant before we got married, lived 2 blocks from us while we were married, that he has been speaking to her right after 4 months into the marriage.I am not sure this is an exflame, that they fell in love/lust recently or what. Both of them have blocked answers to my questions.

 

Now he blames me for everyhting. I asked him"If she was such a longtime time good friend why didn't you introduce me to her when she was jsut 2 blocks away"--he tells me I was narrowminded, thats why.

I asked him how come they never spoke to each other when I was around-- he says i was narrowminded.

I ask him to be open with me and honestly answer my questions- he says i will twist what he said and use it against him. and my questions are silly and "IT WILL SERVE NO PURPOSE"

I told him that by this action of his i have lost whatever trust i had in him and he says: "You never trusted me anyway".

he says he has done nothing wrong"I was an ABSENTEE WIFE".

 

He calls me up when it snows and asks me if he could come and spend the night at my place so he can go with me to work and make sure i don't slip and fall. Well, i politely said no. I don't want to touch him anything.

 

This man i feel is a very smart liar and manipulator. He is at a high level manager, and i feel contantly manipulated by him. I dont know what to do.

He says "He will alwys love me whether we are together or not, I will never be alone".

But he refuses to answer any of my questions.

 

 

I thought only if he could be honest and open, maybe i could start again. But i don't see any light. He has used me and cheated and never been honest or open.

Now he says I have no right to ask questions because i am not physically intimate with him.So he is not answerable to me.

 

My heart and mind scream from within. Deep within my feelings tell me that he is inconsistent, that i have been emotionally and mentally abused and played around with. deep within my feelings tell me to leave him for good.

I am a spiritual person. never set an eye on another man, i never believed in divorce, and i am torn apart from within. Each day is difficult to pass. I go work , do everything i did before, but i am like dead from inside. There are times, when i just feel i will start crying in public. Now he says he has cut off all contact with her. But he will not answer my questions and says its up to me whether i want to continue the relationship or not.

Thats it- cold and cutt off.

Pls advise me. I can't take this anymore.

[ladyspirit]

HI there,

 

Please, PLEASE listen to your gut feelings. Yes, he IS manipulating you, so GET OUT and STAY AWAY!! Don't believe his words: believe what you are sensing in your self. I was just in such an abusive relationship, and so many red flags came up, but I didn't want to listen to them. I only wanted to believe what he would tell me, so I always hoped he was being truthful. Yes, manipulative people exist. The quicker you understand this, the quicker you'll get out and stop tricking yourself. You are responsible to yourself: so stay away, heal, and surround yourself by people who will treat you well. You absolutely know he is treating you badly. It is not your fault, but, it will be your fault if you ignore your COMMON SENSE.

 

Take care of yourself, be courageous: you can do it.

 

Ladyspirit

[Dako]

I'm sorry you're being mistrated by your husband.

Don't take this the wrong way, but some people use their faith to ease guilt. I'd be surprised if he's not one of these people.

 

You may not believe in divorce, but in order to deal with this mess, you'd be better off accepting it's over. He's been abusive and controlling for way too long, and hiding his affair behind his ego.

 

This guy seems very cruel and insensitive, and reconciliation will just get you more of his indifference, and you may even adapt to this treatment over time and expect nothing more from life.

You deserve much more than this.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Okay, normally I don't give cut and dried advice about other people's relationships - I say to try and work it out, offer suggestions etc. But for this post, I have no doubt.

 

Let this relationship go.

 

I think he's treated you badly, and is continuing to mess with your mind. I cannot see that he is genuinely attempting a reconciliation with you. I think that as lady spirit says, he has been manipulative.

 

I would however see a counseller if I were you - so you can talk this through properly with a professional. And come to some understanding of your marriage and its breakdown, and learn that you weren't to blame. Also learn how to let go.

 

Let your friends and family support you - be nice to yourself; cherish yourself. I think honestly though that you should not consider a reconciliation with someone who treats you like this.

 

Just my thoughts - take good care of yourself!

[radioheader]

i am so sorry that you are dealing with this...

 

i have been thru something similar...he had an affair with that other woman for sure...even if not physical...it was emotional...you should go get to a book called not just friends by shirley glass...a good read...really for everyone who cares about their marriage or wants to care about the next one!

 

i think he will truly never change...if you want to try to work it out, ask him to get into weekly counseling with you and see what he says...you will have to go thru intense counseling and see if he opens up and doesn't give you anymore "it will serve no purpose" crap! you will be able to tell whether he can change enough for you to get what you need and stay married...and it will take months of couseling to truly see if it will "stick" with him...if he refuses to go to couseling, then walk...no, run! but you also have every right to walk away from him now...that is what i would do...but you will decide what is best for you...

 

you will get thru this and find someone who will treat you with respect...you deserve that...we all do! good luck!

[Kalika]

My heart is breaking for you. It really is. He wanted a doormat, and I do NOT mean this rudely, but because of the kind of person you are, you tried to be that for him. You becoming independent and not wanting him any more are probably the worst things that could ever happen to him. He is depending on you being a weak minded person that he can use and manipulate.

 

I don't believe you are that person. You are starting to see through him. The problem you seem to be having is that you still can't get past him.

 

PLEASE, reread everything you wrote. If your best friend had written this, what would you say to her? Would you tell her to stay with this person?

 

Divorce isn't the best thing to go through, but he has told you that he blatantly doesn't give a poo for you. Why are you still trying to make this work??

 

PLEASE, PLEASE leave him. And go to counseling on your own. Stop talking to him completely. You need to heal from this. Go back to that counselor you were seeing, and ask her to help you find out WHY you still want to be with this man.

[Dako]

Honey Pumpkin is so right.

You aren't to blame for this. The cards were stacked against you from the start, despite your effort to make it work.

 

Some people see divorce as a failure, but It's also a new beginning for many people who find themselves at a dead end with a partner who gave up. To endure this for a liftime would be a shame.

[Mun]

Hello there and welcome to Enotalone!

 

He sounds to me like a very dangerous person. Please trust your feelings and get away from him. I am afraid for you.

 

From what you say I gather you are a very deep, warm person. He doesn't deserve you.

 

And you seem a strong person because even after all you have been through you are not "lost" . Try your best to walk away and not listen anymore to what he has to say, or he will continue to manipulate you. You can survive this. You are stronger than you know.

 

Leave him to his dramas and his lies. You're better than all that.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this is a pretty clear case of you need to get out... it sounds like he is just an incredibly obnoxious person and totally unwilling to consider anybody's feelings but his own. when he says things like IT WILL SERVE NO PURPOSE, he is talking about it will serve none of HIS purposes, like he feels he owes you no love, responsibility, caring etc. he is very abusive and uncaring, and will obviously not turn into a nice person.

 

he may be trying to force you to be the one to leave so he can blame the divorce on you and try to look good before his family etc. or he may be reconciling with you temporary since you can't sue him for divorce with adultery as the grounds. or he may just be floating from woman to woman based on his momentary and everchanging needs.

 

so really, you deserve so much better than this. consult an attorney, and explain the situation to him, and move forward with your life away from this selfish jerk.

[musicguy]

in short..leave the scumbag

[santh2007]

Thanks for such quick responses I got from all of you.

Yes my feelings scream from within "LEAVE HIM".

But my relegious background asks me to try.

Yes, he really doesn't care about me, i have realized that.

Maybe i am just emotional and foolish.

I am trying to be strong each day.

I am grateful for your advise and opinions.

[Dako]

You've certainly tried. You've attempted communication and counseling.

He has ignored you, and without him trying as you are, there really isn't much more you can do.

 

At some point, you have to decide if your need to keep trying is futile.

He seems to have already decided.

[isisastaria]

My only question is: What makes you think you are worth this abuse?

 

Then I think about it and conclude that I have another question: Do you think you can't get anyone else?

 

I know you don't believe in divorce, but was this ever a real marriage? A piece of paper can't possibly determine the intentions of his heart. You said four months after your marriage!!! WOW. Leave.

 

You are in the grieving process of a marriage lost. I think you already know it's over but are needing contact and support to get through it.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

[santh2007]

Your questions make me think..

No I am not worth the abuse.

Can I get someone else.. of course why not?

Why did I try so much? --because I took vows in front of God. he did too.

How can I break my relationship to God? or my promises to God?

If I divorce him Am I breaking my promise to God? That is one thing I always think about.

[santh2007]

yes, i am confused. I have also learned to listen to my GUT feeling. I ignored it for so long.

All your replies are very helpful. and the questions you ask are helpful too.

I should have posted my problem here long time back.

[Dako]

Although agnostic, I felt such a belief in marriage that when my wife left, I actually intended to carry the torch forever and never talk to another woman, because I took that promise of fidelity so seriously.I spent 27 years believing only death would end our marriage.

 

Unfortunately, as time went by, I was left pondering a loveless life alone.

My faith in the sanctity of marriage died as I realized one person can't sustain it, no matter how committted you are.

 

This may seem humorously obvious to unmarried folks, but after years of deep devotion, changing course is difficult.

 

If your husband is treating you in accord with your religious principles, I would see the concern with your vows, but you can't create a marriage singlehandledly.

[Mun]

Don't we believe God is love? Do you think God would want you to stay in a marriage that is slowly destroying you? I think not.....

 

He, on the other hand, broke his promises to you and the vows he took before God. You've done your part. You tried to make it work. I don't think you would be faulted for walking away now.

[anggrace]

Your questions make me think..

No I am not worth the abuse.

Can I get someone else.. of course why not?

Why did I try so much? --because I took vows in front of God. he did too.

How can I break my relationship to God? or my promises to God?

If I divorce him Am I breaking my promise to God? That is one thing I always think about.

 

He already broke the vows. A marriage requires two commitments.

God is understanding and forgiving.

[ladyspirit]

In my opinion, no worthy God would want you to get hurt.

And God, if there is such a thing as God, will

forgive you for leaving ( I gather you are Christian).

As well, God will see that you tried your very, very best.

Your gut feeling can also be interpreted as God telling

you to leave now.

There is a lot of abuse perpetuated particularly by the Christian

Faith ex: Always turning the other cheek perpetuates tolerance for abuse and sends the message that abuse is Ok. Some Christian notions need be revisited.

Religion does not have all the answers to survive in a healthy manner in society. An ideology/concept (religion) will not save you: you need to save yourself.

I don't want to insult anyone who is Christian here- I'm just stating my opinion.

 

Good luck.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Santh2007, you sound like a very religious person. If you're currently attending a church, you might try speaking with your priest, pastor, or other religious leader about the situation that you are in right now and everything that has happened in the past with your husband. It's in times like these that religious leaders are very important, because they can help guide you through the hard times without breaking from your faith. I think that your questions about breaking your vow to God are questions that are very hard to answer...and I hope that you have the strength to talk to someone about your situation and the decisions that you have to make.

[Northalius]

I understand your devotion to keeping your word you spoke before God, but you've already tried to work it out, and your husband refuses to! Do not go by his words alone, but his actions speak volumes!

 

Jesus said "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, then turn again and rend you."

 

Basically: Do not keep trying to be with a man that does not want to be with you, truthfully. He wants to use and abuse you; to take advantage of you, as he's done in the past.

 

If you just gave up without a fight, then I'd understand your guilt; but you've obviously tried, and tried hard to keep the marriage going. Your husband has not! It takes two to tango, my friend. And he's not a good dancer, nor willing to learn.

 

If God really sees it being important for you to stay with this guy, He'll tell you. Until then, do yourself a favor, and get away from this abuser.

[doyathink]

Some people see divorce as a failure, but It's also a new beginning for many people who find themselves at a dead end with a partner who gave up. To endure this for a liftime would be a shame.

 

Words of wisdom Dako!

 

God forgives all sin other then denying him as lord and savior!

He also states that if you have done all you can do...counseling and such...and if your partner has committed adultery....he gives his permission to seek a divorce.

 

Matthew 19:9 (King James Version)

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

 

Matthew 5:32 (New International Version)

But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery

[radioheader]

there is a book love must be tough by james dobson...it is a book about infidelity and how to handle it...he is a religious person and references it in his book...try to pick up a copy (library had it)...it is a good read...especially if you are christian...it helped me! good luck!

[santh2007]

I hope God gives me permission to seek divorce at this point.

Wonder, he avoids all answers, manipulates my questions and blames all his actions on me. Looks like he wants me to divorce him, instead of doing it himself. Maybe he doesn't want to look bad in front of God, family whatsoever. Maybe he thinks, if she stays after this too,

he can have all the fun he wants. And i I leave him then he is fine too,

since i was the one who filed for divorce , not him.

I have stopped all contact with him. I am trying to take time to gather all my hurt feeling together. Hope this pain goes away with time.

When i remember all the words of promises he gave me,

all the things he said how he can love no other,

how he can never be anyone else's, i can't help crying.

Weird, 4 days back , before I posted here,

he gave me the same answers to my questions

" I was an absentee wife","It will serve no purpose" ,

"You never trusted me anyways" phrases and in the same breath he declared

That" he loves me like he never loved anyone ever, neither will he, ever".

Even if i leave him and we live in two separate parts of the world, i will never be alone".

God, how miserable he makes me feel.

[radioheader]

you deserve to be happy and content...if this man is not willing to work at things and causes this much pain...it is time to leave...our God does understand that there are times in which we must leave ones we made promises to if the other party has broken their end of the deal...we are human...we are not perfect...nor does he expect that of us...he expects us to live the best life we can....and each of us has to decide what that means! i wish you peace...