I've dated a lot of men... but I've never had a good relationship

[Kalika]

Hey everyone,

 

There's something that's been bothering me lately. I've had a lot of boyfriends in my life, but never a good relationship. I am honestly beginning to feel like I'll never, ever find anyone. I've never been in love. I can see myself being one of those 30, 40, or 50 year old women that are alone, either because they never married, or because they are divorced.

 

I don't know what it is about me, but I pick lousy men. I think I've found a decent one that has every quality I want, and then he always turns out to be a huge jerk -- cheating, compulsive lying, abusive ... you name it, I've dated him. My pattern is terrifying to me because I have a son, and I don't want him to see or experience this with me.

 

I don't know what it is about me that attracts these guys, because I am not attracted to bad boy types myself, nor do I (intentionally) go out of my way to attract them.

 

Please, if anyone can give me some insight, I'd really appreciate it. I'm so scared for my future. I refuse to be with someone that would treat me or my son badly, just for the sake of having someone ... but with my history, I think I'm going to end up being alone forever.

[isisastaria]

Ummm...you sound just like me. I don't know how old you are, but I am 29 and divorced with kids. I am finally in a relationship I am working hard on. I was just engaged in dec. 06. It's really really hard for our type, but you probably need to just take a break from men altogether and just work on yourself. School, career, son, whatever you need. And get counseling. If cost is an issue, see if you can find free care. Something happened along the way to make you feel unlovable. I will bet you don't put up with any crapp either. Try making a list of thing YOU WANT in a guy. Not things you don't want. send me a message anytime...

[pacopaco]

Hi! you won't be alone forever, but maybe you need to be alone for you and your son for a little bit. do you feel you always need a man in your life? you shouldn't it. The only person you need is your son, and you are the only person he needs.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that "like attracts like." if you feel you need, then the men you are attracting are probably the same in that regard. Try this, if you are attracting men, there is nothing you can do about it, but you can get to know someone. Take it slow, very slow. whether in a romantic situation or otherwise, a person's true colors will come out eventually.

 

Know Thyself, first, because if you don't, know one else will. I hope that helps.

[Kalika]

Isis -

Wow girl, you got me figured out pretty well You're right, I don't take any crap, but the kind of crap the guys dish out is not minor stuff.. It's usually big enough that it would be considered a big red flag..

 

I took several years off from dating actually.. It didn't help much. The minute I got back into dating, it was the same old pattern, just the same as I'd left it. It was so discouraging. The thing is, I KNOW what I want. I just don't know any men that fit even the GENERAL description..

 

Congrats on getting engaged. I really hope this guy is worthy of you!

 

"like attracts like."

 

This is so true pacopaco .. but honestly, I don't feel that I come accross as needy per se. I definitely don't go for any guy that wants my # and tells me I'm cute.. I am also pretty independent once I'm in a relationship. I don't need (or want) to be around the guy all the time or anything like that.. If I had to guess at the kind of vibe I'm radiating, it might be low self esteem or insecurity, or something like that. But I have no idea how to change that.

[Luke Skywalker]

My advice to you is to read Joshua Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye".

 

Bye this book and read it. You are a person that I can see this book can change your life and help you meet the right person.

[Kalika]

Hey Luke,

 

I'm something of an atheist, so I think most of the book's message would be lost on me..

Thanks for the suggestion though

[pacopaco]

Isis -

If I had to guess at the kind of vibe I'm radiating, it might be low self esteem or insecurity, or something like that. But I have no idea how to change that.

 

There is your answer. let me tell you about me. My whole reason for being on this forum is that last year my girlfriend of 7 years cheated on me and had a full affair with her boss. I'm getting so much better now, but more on that some other time.

I knew she had low self-esteem, and a bucket full of insecurities. I loved her for her faults. Who did she cheat with? a manipulating, insecure, braggart man, who (by her words) will always have to bring up how "secure and confident he is."

People can read each other. we all do. These are things unspoken, and that is why like attracts like. A confident man would not have had an affair with my ex. He knew about me, and they both still chased each other. Like attracts like.

[mintblossom]

how do babies say it? - wahhhhhhh. i've never had a good relationship either. i've only dated losers. i think that's so sad. i am too good for that. so now, i don't date. being out there, dating, being broken and tossed around by losers? oh heavens, no more.

 

when i think about it, my first bf forced me my first time (i believe that's called rape). he also broke up with me before x'mas so he wouldn't have to give me any presents. he was an engineer. so i said to myself, it doesn't matter if a person has an education. the second one. oh my god, he is crazy. a former gang member (i thought he reformed because i believed in the power of people to change), stole cars, he was crazy abusive and didn't even have a high school diploma. i thought he was from a normal middle class family but i think i was fooled. the third one....not even a bf but an alcoholic and addict. he hid it but i started to see that he seemed to be not really there. i thought he would be mature. but all he ever did was lie, not to mention he was abusive.

 

and well, all the rest of the men that came up to me (I did not get involved), tried to use me for money or get me to sleep with them or do sexual favors, push me around. once, i had to threaten to get out of a car if the guy wouldn't stop pushing my head down and i kept pushing him away (SO GROSS, I get nightmares). now i think of it, i should have opened the door and run. one tried to get me to be his mistress (this dude was like 70 years old!!). weird guys approaching me at the library, bookstore. i started to wear a big freaking sweatshirt and cover myself up to look unattractive to ward these creeps off. i feel i can't even wear something pretty incase some man comes up to me.

 

on one hand, i would like to date someone nice, normal, just to prove i can. just to know i can. break the cycle. have somebody good for once.

 

on the other hand, i just want to be single because it sure makes me wayyyy happier and less stressed out. i don't even want to deal with games or abusive behavior or verbal abuse or just plain rude behavior. i can't stand people that lie or try to use others.

 

oh, and don't even ask me how could i have picked some of the men. mabe picked is not the word...let myself near? they brought NOTHING into my life except pain and abuse and trauma. believe me, if i could go back in time, i would give myself a good talking to. oh not even that, i think i would carry a bat around. sick of it all! never freaking ever again! I WONT BE THAT GIRL - and by that I mean the girl they try to get me to be and make me out to be. I am way better than that.

[isisastaria]

Yeah, there is a reason you are picking guys with big red flags attached. I've had one try to KILL me!

I know where you're coming from!

You have the answers to that deep down. You just need to stop, pull them out, and look at them without denial.

I think that could be your best bet. You deserve a guy who will respect you, love you, protect you. NOT hurt you...Good luck

[Kalika]

Paco-

You are definitely right about like attracting like. It's just the laws of attraction, really.. I can see why your ex cheated on you with someone like that. I'm glad you're getting better, I hope everyone here played a role in that healing

 

Teardrops - Err.. wow.. I'm sorry you've been through that. I will definitely not be trying to compare horror stories with you, even though I have been through some of the same experiences, unfortunately.. So I guess we should both take very seriously whatever advice we are given here. Or if you need to, you should seriously consider starting your own thread, because you may be able to get insight about how to move beyond past abuse.

 

You have the answers to that deep down. You just need to stop, pull them out, and look at them without denial.

 

Definitely Isis.. I really need to do some soul searching. Despite all the wonderful things I have in my life, I'm not happy, and I'm ashamed of that because my life is very good in many, many ways.

[mintblossom]

I'll be fine. Just feel compelled to write and express. If I am free to express my thoughts, feelings, opinions, in time they will pass.....but I am happy to just have the opportunity to have a voice and be listened to.

[Lily04]

hey,

 

I feel the same way.....but I'm learning what I want in men and seeing it's slightly different than what I wanted in the past and I think that was due to my insecurity & issues I had in the past. I just started online dating again for the first time since August and saw that the type of guys I would respond to weren't the type i'd think of before....I am still attracted to intelligence & wit, to complement my own and that's what I generally find sexy. but at the same time I'm looking for compassion & a down-to-earth quality because I found that I really value that, and that wasn't necessarily what I was looking for before. I think through experience we learn what we want and what we don't....it seems like you were deceived in the past and that's hard. I know I was, but luckily I can quickly spot when a guy doesn't seem genuine so I don't get too involved and then get hurt. I was really hurt in the past when guys I were obsessed about didn't want to date me...but now that I am more confident/secure, I don't care that much if a guy isn't interested and move on.

 

Part of it is learning to deal with yourself/your issues and being confident with the decisions you make, and part is general intuitive skills...listening, picking up on things that don't seem quite right, being objectively smart about things, questioning whether what he's saying is really consistent or seems a bit sketch... does he seem *too* smooth in a way? there are some things that tip me off... if he seems like he's moving too fast, seems like a player, overconfident or arrogant/elitist (that turns me off)...with confidence you can also move the relationship at a pace that's comfortable for you. If, on the second date he tries to get in your pants and that's NOT OK with you (that has happened with me in the past) you can tell him. The guy I was dating at the time was somewhat arrogant so i wasn't really nice with tellign him.....I was just like "honestly, I can do better" and left... but with someone you care a bit more about you can be like "this is going too fast, can we take it slower..." Judge how he responds, his reaction. Remember: actions speak louder than words....and trust your instincts.

 

hope that helps.

 

lily

[anna_k]

Oh my goodness, I am really feeling this thread. The stats of my dating track record are so tragic, dramatic and obvious that I've had FOUR people pull me aside this year to quietly say "I'm concerned about the type of guys you're dating...". One woman said "You seem to pick the ones who are interesting...not necessarily ones who are interested in a relationship."

 

I'm no longer of the opinion that nice, normal guys are boring. And whilst I find myself attracted to the bad type..it's less to do with their behaviour and more to do with the way they look. I don't know what worse and more embarrassing to admit. But hey, at least I admit I'm an idiot. I find that all of the guys I've dated are in some way arrogant and outwardly confident but privately they're pretty vunerable. Like attracts like? I'm not arrogant or outwardly confident. I've got the martyr complex though. It's very very BAD. I believe it's the source of all my dating problems.

 

Someone told me take responsibility for who I attract, who I date and what happens to me. I do of course but they question is no longer "Oh woe, why me?" it's now "How do I break this trend?"

[musicguy]

I'm a guy and I'm the same way with females. (though I don't date a lot) I seem to attract the emotionally unstable girls and try to be the knight in shining armor to save the princess.

[Kalika]

Anna - At least you're finally starting to see the pattern.. That is hard I think.. It took me years just to see that I was dating men that didn't even pretend to not be losers! lol..

 

So for those of who know what we want, and can see the pattern.. other than take it slowly, what else can we do?

[Mun]

I think you're on the right track. You can now look back and know what it is you don't want. It's time to work on a quick escape route the next time you find yourself seriously attracted to one of these types. After all, they can't hurt you if they don't have access.

 

My friend says " you don't go looking for a good guy, he just shows up" I hope it's true and that this happens for you. I'd say the best way to make way for him is to steer clear of the losers.

 

Make a promise to yourself that you won't date any more fixer-upers. The minute you spot one, keep on walking.

It's a good place to start....

and the therapist would ask " why do you hate yourself? Love yourself and treat yourself well...it will bring better things into your life"

[FortunateOne]

In the thread below about the traits women want from a man I posted ten traits that I try to achieve on a daily basis so that I can be the best man to a woman.

 

 

 

These traits are the way I sort throught the emotionally unhealthy women that want to date me. Yes, it may seem too demanding, but it's what I perceive a good healthy woman should be if they want my time. Just like women want a confident man, well, I too want a confident woman. This is how you'll find a quality man, but it comes at a price. You must soul search and create an identity that will be attractive to a quality man.

[Luke Skywalker]

Hey Luke,

 

I'm something of an atheist, so I think most of the book's message would be lost on me..

Thanks for the suggestion though

 

It still has lots of practical advice.

[anna_k]

I'm a guy and I'm the same way with females. (though I don't date a lot) I seem to attract the emotionally unstable girls and try to be the knight in shining armor to save the princess.

 

In med school, one of the Senior doctors said to a group of us: "Most, if not all, of you are here because for some reason you didn't feel like you were cared enough for in childhood. That's why you're going into the business of health care now. You just don't realise it." With the exception of those who just love biology or the mechanics of the body, he was saying how some of us were tired of feeling like we have made no difference...we want to be of use. *

 

Similarly, I feel the whole martyr/saviour complex has to do with the fact that I just want to feel and be really important and special to someone. I'm not sure I can explain it properly....

 

I've had people on the periphery say "You think you can save him? What makes you think you're going to be the one?" Maybe by feeling like we need to save and rescue, we're not really accepting them for who they are? I never really thought of it that way.

 

*I'm generalising and relaying someone else's opinions. Don't shoot me.

[SarahRose]

Good thread and has got me thinking about the relationships i have been in.

 

I haven't had that many relationships. I would just get bored and run away when I was in my teens.

 

Or I would hang on to one guy much further than I ever should have.

 

Hmmmm that seems to be my theme. Not knowing when to let them go. I keep thinking about them as they were when we first me and not the now.

 

Maybe I have some sort of abandonment issues?

 

I think my pattern though is things start out very well and they are sweet and attentive and all that and then just when they have me hooked, they pull back and become distant. The sweetness, caring, and affection goes right out the window. They started out as givers and ended up as takers.

[mintblossom]

 

Or I would hang on to one guy much further than I ever should have.

 

Hmmmm that seems to be my theme. Not knowing when to let them go. I keep thinking about them as they were when we first me and not the now.

 

I think my pattern though is things start out very well and they are sweet and attentive and all that and then just when they have me hooked, they pull back and become distant. The sweetness, caring, and affection goes right out the window. They started out as givers and ended up as takers.

 

oh!! I so relate to the above......I hang on too long. I care TOO much.....but why? It's not like they care about me at all.

 

And the blowing hot and then cold thing....so cold. But I'm breaking the pattern now though. I just can't go through this anymore. I don't want to be around a guy that treats me this way..or others that way as well. It just ain't right.

[SarahRose]

oh!! I so relate to the above......I hang on too long. I care TOO much.....but why? It's not like they care about me at all.

 

And the blowing hot and then cold thing....so cold. But I'm breaking the pattern now though. I just can't go through this anymore. I don't want to be around a guy that treats me this way..or others that way as well. It just ain't right.

 

I agree. I keep thinking they care and they keep saying they do but their actions don't quite match up. They seem to just go with the flow and they don't want to break up either.

 

Like my xhusband. I've had to deal with him more lately and he has never gotten over me. He hasn't dated anyone since I left several years ago. I know that he still loves me but his horrid behaviours towards me just can't be overlooked.

 

You mentioned how they treat others. Both my current bf and the x are always so nice to everyone else but me! Going out of their way to do thoughtful things. What is up with that?

 

I have told my bf that his neglect hurts me and he responds with that's the way he is which is such bs as he was able to be attentive before and he is towards friends.

 

He knows how to be kind but is choosing not to for some reason.

[mintblossom]

Exactly. That's it exactly..I don't get why the guys I've dated keep on being nice to everyone else BUT me. Nice to their friends. Nice to strangers. Nice to acquaintances. Nice to the cashier at the fast food restaurant. Nice to the bum on the street.

 

Nice to everyone. But to me....it's just coldness. or rudeness. or just hurtful. I don't understand why. I used to think it was me...If I was only...X (prettier, smarter, funner, more of a partier, wilder) then he would treat me different.

 

But well, in the words of popeye the sailor man....I yam what I yam. So I just gotta step away from situations like that. One day perhaps I will find someone who treats me right 24/7, rain or shine through all four seasons of the year....and then some.

 

Until then, I have to treat me right.

[SarahRose]

Yes teardrops! You are worthy and treat yourself right.

 

Maybe someone will have some insight on the treat everyone nice but you deal.

 

At the beginning of my marriage I did think it was me. If I just did something different he would stop being mean to me. I played a trick on him that proved that he was just taking things out on me and there really wasn't anything wrong with me.

 

He loved a certain kind of pie and one day I decided to bake one for him and went to a lot of trouble to do it and he wouldn't eat it. Took one bite and left it. I'm an excellent cook too.

 

One day I thought of an experiment. He loved pies from this certain bakery. I went and bought a pie from there. Took it out of the tin pan it came in and put put it in a glass baking dish. I threw everything away at a dumpster away from the house so there was no evidence I had bought the pie.

 

He gets home from work and he sees the pie and says looks like you've been busy. I just nodded. Later I serve him a piece and once again he takes one bite and leaves it. Right then I knew he was just being a jerk to me and it had nothing to do with my cooking.

[mintblossom]

It is very saddening to hear that. You deserve much better than that......you really do. I wish someone would bake me a pie - hee hee.

 

He doesn't value you at all. I don't understand why they don't see the value in us. But there's got to be better out there.....there's got to.