Cyberchick Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Hey everyone, May bf and I are talking about getting married in the summer of 2008. We have talked about the possibility of living together before we get married, which I'm in favour of in some ways, but I also have a very traditional East Indian mom who really disapproves of the idea. I'm 30 so I know I'm old enough to make my own decisions and I may still do it. I just don't want to disappoint her, as she is my only living parent. And I think I could be just as happy not living with him before we get married. I'm not especially attached to either decision. Just wondering what people think about living together vs. not living together before marriage. Thanks for your input. Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Hey everyone, May bf and I are talking about getting married in the summer of 2008. We have talked about the possibility of living together before we get married, which I'm in favour of in some ways, but I also have a very traditional East Indian mom who really disapproves of the idea. I'm 30 so I know I'm old enough to make my own decisions and I may still do it. I just don't want to disappoint her, as she is my only living parent. And I think I could be just as happy not living with him before we get married. I'm not especially attached to either decision. Just wondering what people think about living together vs. not living together before marriage. Thanks for your input. In my opinion, it's smart to live together before marriage so that you can figure out whether you can live with the person. It entails giving up personal space, giving up the possibility of going home and having along time to yourself etc. Living together can change a lot in a relationship and so I think it's best to find out how it will be before you get married. Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 I have been on both sides I think living together before marriage does not prove a thing. Living together has its benefits ..sure....but I wouldn't do it again...because it is too much like "playing house". I believe if you're going to live with someone...give it 1,000%.........that includes saying "I do". Yes....it's the old fashioned girl in me.....but I believe in living with someone..as long as there is a wedding date set. Otherwise.....dating someone, and maintaining your own space insures the same thing you basically have when just "living with" someone....an "OUT"... Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 I wouldn't do it again. I think there needs to be some sort of level of commitment first. I lived with my ex for 10 months before I left him...we both had kids involved and everything....but every time we got into a disagreement..he would say "If you don't like it...LEAVE!" (His soloution instead of working on things. So one day I did just that. I left. He seemed not to like that either. But he was never going to marry me, and I just couldn't take the "If you don't like it, leave..." stuff.... I am engaged now. I will NOT move in with him until we are married. And if we disagree...he actually wants to talk it out...and he would probably be okay to just live with..but for my kids, for them to know we are going to really try to work things out when we disagree....I want for us to be married. I have been through one divorce, things would have to be pretty hopeless before I would have another... And guess what...when the ex bf found out I was getting married...he started calling and emailing me again. Too late ! I found someone who does not have the "get out" mentality. And I am planning on keeping him till we are old and shriveled. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 I have been on both sides I think living together before marriage does not prove a thing. Living together has its benefits ..sure....but I wouldn't do it again...because it is too much like "playing house". I believe if you're going to live with someone...give it 1,000%.........that includes saying "I do". Yes....it's the old fashioned girl in me.....but I believe in living with someone..as long as there is a wedding date set. Otherwise.....dating someone, and maintaining your own space insures the same thing you basically have when just "living with" someone....an "OUT"... Lady Bugg I sooo agree with this... I like to think im open minded and liberal bla bla bla.. it has nothing to do with sleeping with each ohter....but but one thing is if people are commited to give up their apartment and move in with someone then why aren't they commited to get married? Living together with no plans of marriage is like saying "I like you... but don't know if I REALLY want to commit to you... maybe lets play for a bit... because we are not married I can always back out" Living together is like saying" I like the benefits of having cheaper accomadation and pretending we are married.. but should anything happen where I have to really work at it or if tough times come upon me.. I want outta here' just the way I see it Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 The OP said she and her bf do have plans to get married, and a time frame...but everyone is talking as if she doesn't. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 She also said that she would be quite happy not living with him.. Depends how much she wants to abide by her parents... The ones who gave her life.. Just because one doesn't depend on one's parents anymore, I don't see that its a reason to go against their wishes.. sometimes its just a sign of resepct.. especially if its cultural The wedding is only a year away.. so why move in now.. This way your parents will be happy.. and you will be happy too( you said you'd be happy to live without your boyf) Link to comment
poloplayer Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 Hi, I've been on both sides as well, and I do not think you should move in together beforehand to "test to waters" like others have already mentioned. I am an open-mided person, but what I have experienced and witnessed with friends that began living together with their partner is...odd, to say the least. I too thought that living together would be a great test to see if we were really right for each other. But this is how it went: Although there were strong feelings and solid commonalities and talk about living together beforehand, what happened in effect was a lease on the relationship. This test was ultimately set up as pass or fail. The fact is that we weren't married, so, if we don't really get along then we are not right for each other. Perhaps there is some truth to that, but in hindsight, I think that the premise of our test is what bit us. We were not at the same level of commitment that marriage entails, so if things go sour then it's okay to walk away without a bitter seperation or court battle. Now the perception of divorce becomes more liberal as well, and in the end, you can terminate your lease with your partner. I think that the level of commitment trumps any other excuse of why it didn't work out (and for the record, I wasn't an angel - both parties had faulted). If personal space and alone time is that important, then please figure that out before you get married. Playing house is not necessary to see if you are ready for marriage yet or not. You are a grown woman and can decide to do as you wish, but a year is not too far off to please your parents out of respect unless there are some convincing reasons why you should move in. Link to comment
Cyberchick Posted February 17, 2007 Author Share Posted February 17, 2007 Hey everyone... Thanks for your feedback, it helped alot. I'm still undecided as to whether or not we should move in, but the fact of the matter is, I will still be living at home ( I'm living with my mom while I'm in school, finishing my masters ) until December of this year. I'm pretty sure our wedding will be June/July 2008, so it's not a huge long wait. I'd like to move out in January possibly and get a place, or just pay my mom rent and stay where I am until the wedding. Living together is somewhat enticing, but I like the idea of us living together out of a marriage committment. He is fine with whatever decision I make, I've never gotten any pressure from him to make one choice or another. Anyways, thanks again for the advice. Link to comment
MissyM Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 i thought it was smart to move in with my partner before I got married, but we're now quite a way down the line and there's still not sign of marriage, nor does there look liely to be. I've been tempted to have an affair (aparently I'm playing the victim whatever that means) and I feel like a 50 year old woman with nothing to look forward to in life. (I'm 27) Get married first. Someone said to me recently, "why would he pay for the milk when he already has the cow?". I rest my case. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 i think everyone here is missing the point. didn't anybody replying on here read the original post? she is getting married. this isn't before a commitment as some of you are putting it. this isn't just a roommate. i think you should live together first. if you get married and just move in, you might feel like you aren't married all over again. it would be another aspect of your relationship that you aren't familiar with and have to get used to. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
MissyM Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 i think everyone here is missing the point. didn't anybody replying on here read the original post? she is getting married. this isn't before a commitment as some of you are putting it. this isn't just a roommate. i think you should live together first. if you get married and just move in, you might feel like you aren't married all over again. it would be another aspect of your relationship that you aren't familiar with and have to get used to. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... I read that they are "talking about getting married Summer 2008". Talk is cheap. Get married first. Link to comment
anydaynow Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I think if you are just as happy not to live with him, why not stay at home with your mom until then? You'll make your mom happy, for one thing. Plus, when you are officially married, she might feel like she is losing you a little to your new family- your husband. Give her this time before the wedding. It's easy for you to respect her viewpoint since you aren't dying to live with your partner right away. If you stay at home- he doesn't mind, you don't mind, and your mother is happy. If you move in with him- he doesn't mind, you don't mind, and your mother thinks it is a disgrace that you are living in sin. On the non-mom side of things, I think that if you love someone enough to marry them, you will love them enough to work living-together-issues out. This might mean you have a fight about the right way to fold the towels or some other silly issue. But that I think is normal, and easy enough to get over if your relationship is strong. Plus, I think it will make your marriage seem more exciting if living together for the first time is tied in with it. Otherwise, you get married, and go back to exactly how you were before the ceremony. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 sorry missy, skipped over the word 'talking'. if you get engaged, then live together first. i don't think anybody should get married without first having lived together for a little while. you have to feel the other person's homely style. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
justpaisley Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 It's not necessary to live together before marriage, nor is it always helpful, as evidenced by the statistics showing that those who live together before marriage suffer a higher divorce rate than those who don't. If your communication skills are strong and you're able to compromise on other facets of your relationship, your cohabitation after marriage will follow in that tradition. You'll be just as able to compromise on who showers first in the morning or who sleeps on what side of the bed or who does the dishes what night as you were able to compromise on anything else. Plus, you haven't said how long you've been dating, but if you've been to his place enough and he's been to yours, you both basically know how the other lives. I think it's great that you're so respectful of your mom and her values. If it doesn't matter to you either way, living with him or not, then stick with your mom. It'll make her feel better about your marriage. Congrats on that masters!! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 defying your mother doesn't sound like what is happening here. you need to do what you think is right and if you make a mistake, learn from it and grow. your mother only tries to look out for you like any good parent would. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
Aurian Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 I kinda wish I was able to live with my ex-husband before marrying him. He was nice during dates and vacations together, but when we lived together it was horrendous and abusive. No matter what I did, nothing pleased him because I was his wife and should know how to make him happy. I wish I could have lived with him for a bit and seen sooner what he is like when he is not pretending to be his best. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 I think this thread may be helpful to you! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 i agree with aurian. i would never marry a girl that i haven't lived with. it is a completely different side to someone. how they live in their home is the other half of their life. you technically only know their 'outside the house' personality. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
Leonhart Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Couples that live together prior to engagement (or marriage, of course) tend to divorce more often. Probably a variety of reasons behind it, but it's true. Link to comment
melrich Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Research (White 1987) shows that 38% of couples who lived together before marriage divorced within 10 years against 27% of couples who did not live together. However this research is balanced by attitude to divorce. The couples who lived together stated they were far more likely to pursue divorce if the marriage were unhappy where the more "traditional" couples, those that did not live together prior were far less likely to pursue divorce if the marriage was unhappy. As the researchers noted, the only sure sign of an unhappy marriage is a divorce. Marraiges that stay together are not necessarily happy. So it depends on how you equate success. Is it staying together or is it being happy. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 did they look at the demographics of those statistics. i bet most of those divorces were people that lived in the city and not some rural town where the divorce rate changes. people in rural places are less likely to divorce and are more traditional versus people in the city. i bet this is where the statistic changes. 33% isn't that far from 27% ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 also, i bet there are less 'traditional' people that live together after marriage than untraditional people that live together after. i bet the ratio is like 100 to 1 untraditional to traditional. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
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